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Laet00 · Sep 18, 2007, 07:11 PM

Okay, so this is the situation. My b/f and I have been going out for almost one year. He is the sweetest person in the world. Last week he drove 3 hours to surprise me (w/a rose).

Before we started going out, I told him to not go clubbing unless I'm with him. He does drink socially once a month.. Anyway, so just recently I found out that he and his friend Mark (who got married a few weeks later) and another friend from school (female) went to a dance club. When I read this online I became so mad at him and briefly told him that I have lost trust in him. The next morning I called his parents and went crazy because I couldn't believe he had not only lied to me but broke his promises.

I have no problem with Mark but the fact that he went to a dance club made me so upset. Also, on top of that the girl that he went with has feelings for him and he knows that.. yet he still went. We had discussed her so many times and agreed that he wouldn't see her because she didn't like me. I'm so upset that he called her and invited her because he felt that he owed her because she got him through various courses in college. He also told both of his friends to not tell me about the whole dance club situation.

After his female friend left, my b/f and his friend discussed how weird she was acting etc. I am so mad at my b/f. He put himself in a situation in which he knew he would get in major trouble. I have not spoken to him since. He always told me that I cannot live w/out you... your top on my list etc. He hasn't even came to say sorry.

He was going crazy, and had his friend call me Mark's wife. I discussed the situation w/her and told her that I am willing to talk but w/his parents too.. I told her that I never want to see him and if he did come I cannot look at him anymore. She told me stories about him how when he first met me.. he knew he was going to marry me.. I'm not sure what to do..

I am so confused... we haven't talked and it's almost been a week.. I know that him and his parents are going to stop in my city this Sunday on their way to a family function.. I'm pretty sure they'll want to talk then but to me it's like I'm not out of their way.. I want them to come especially for me not because it's just convenient.

Please let me know what you think? Thanks.

VLynn123 · Sep 18, 2007, 07:37 PM

A few things I would like to mention. Maybe you should've addressed your concerns about him going to a dance club when you're not around instead of "telling him". A lot of people have issues with "taking orders" espiecially from the person they are dating. Second, why would you call his parents and get them involved. This is between you and your boyfriend. If I got into an argument with my boyfriend and he called my parents, that would make me even more upset. That would make me go to dance clubs every night. And lastly, you have to look and find the meaning on why he can't go to dance clubs without you, don't you trust him, if not, then maybe this is not the relationship for you.

nkychic · Sep 18, 2007, 07:39 PM

Ok, I assume you asked this question because you want some honest advice, so that's what I'm going to give you. First off, you didn't lose trust in him when he went to the dance club. You apparently didn't have that trust in him or you never would have made that a rule. In a relationship, although it's highly important to be with each other, you have to be able to trust each other do their own thing too. Now you told me he couldn't go to a dance club without you, and you are mad now because he told his friends not to tell you? You can't restrict a person of things such as hanging out with their friends and then get pissed because they didn't tell you when they did. Ok so the girl that went likes him? So what! He LOVES you! Just from what you've told me, I can see that much, why can't you. Not that I'm comparing men to dogs, but for example... if you chain a dog up day in, day out, and only go out to play with him when it's convenient for you, when he gets loose he's going to run. No matter how much he loves you, he's going to need that taste of freedom. You have to loosen that chain you have on him honey! You don't want to loose a good guy because of your own insecurites. Trust him to go out and have a good time. He can't sit at home and wait until you're ready. He has a life too, as I'm sure you do. You are his girlfriend, possible future wife even, but NOT his mother. Be there for him as a girlfriend. If you can't trust him, then maybe it's because you are insecure and not because he's done something wrong. All I'm saying is to step back. Take a look at what you've got. Forget about this dance club or whatever. Is he someone you could spend the rest of your life with? If so, don't mess it up by setting his boundaries so slim that he has no choice but to go behind your back.

I hope that you don't take any of this offensively. I'm honestly not trying to be mean, just trying to help you out.

<3 Leslie

Laet00 · Sep 18, 2007, 07:50 PM

Thanks for the replies. I just think he should've called me. Besides going to a dance club isn't something you should promise someone about. It's just something u don't do because I'm sure he wouldn't want me going to dance clubs dancing w/random guys... He told me she was there for an hour and nothing really happened. But what about the discussion outside in the parking lot after she left?. I think that since he told her not to tell me.. she got close to him... I'm thinking that when he does come to visit me I'm going to tell him to give her my number and just say it's his... I'm also going to check his email accounts... she's getting on my nerves.. I'm not jealous.. her b/f for three years broke up w/her and day later was with a guy.. I really don't care.. but I just don't want to be w/him if he's going to do this when I'm not around.. at least tell me... I prefer a serious relationship built on trust..

Laet00 · Sep 18, 2007, 07:51 PM

I contacted his parents because I just didn't want him to say something wrong about me. I just couldn't speak to him... b/c I thought he loved me and I don't know I just trusted him so much..

By the way.. his female friend basically moved from her state to his state and city.. he thought that was weird yet he still called her!

nkychic · Sep 18, 2007, 07:56 PM

Back to the trust issue. You can't have a "serious relationship built on trust" while you go through his e-mails. This is the exact opposite of what you say you want. I think you both need to just sit down and discuss exactly what each wants of the other. See if once everything is laid out on the table, you both still want to be in this relationship.

You went from him simply going to a dance club to him dancing with random people. You don't know what happened there, ask HIM. Let him be the one to tell you. I'm sure had he known you would have "allowed" him to go, he would have called you. Like I said, you need to loosen up a bit. And leave his parents out of this. If you want a serious relationship, you all must work this out together.

Laet00 · Sep 18, 2007, 08:04 PM

I see what your saying. He hasn't called me or anything, I feel that he should take the first step. I thought he would have driven here to see me but he hasn't... I'm not too worried, because he is busy w/ school. Also, do you suggest I meet w/him and his parents this weekend because they are driving through my city... a few weeks ago before all of this he wanted to hang out for a few hours.. I think they are going to call me.. to discuss everything.. some of my friends said that it's at their convenience.. and I shouldn't.. and not only that they said I should say no and wait for a time when he can come alone..

Laet00 · Sep 18, 2007, 08:05 PM

Mark's friend did tell me that mistakes happen just give him another chance.. she told me that just sit and talk to clear things up

nkychic · Sep 18, 2007, 08:16 PM

Originally Posted by Laet00

I told her that I never want to see him and if he did come I cannot look at him anymore.

And you want to know why he hasn't called? Maybe he's not prepared for that kind of rejection you know? It's up to you as to whether you meet with him. Maybe this is convenient, but that doesn't mean he wants it any less. Sometimes convenience just plays a "convenient" role. Nothing major, nothing decision altering, just that. Give him a chance to explain. I think you should at least see him when he comes, even if it's with his parents. You can at least at this time tell him you are willing to talk and set up a date for when you can talk alone.

Laet00 · Sep 18, 2007, 08:35 PM

Wow, thank-you so much for your help.

nkychic · Sep 18, 2007, 08:37 PM

I truly hope that I really was of some help. Good luck and I hope things work out for you!

LivingtheLifeinFLA · Sep 21, 2007, 03:29 PM

You sound like a controlling little girl. Give him a break, he probably has to tell you what he has done every minute of the day.

Are you insecure?

You need to call him and say that you are sorry. How old are you by the way, 12?

MayMsredrose · Sep 22, 2007, 01:47 AM

I think you over reacting... do not you think so?? I do agree with you that what he has done is not right and you have given him enough hard time as a punishment for what he did... but I think it's more than enough... I would suggest that you meet him & parents... calmly explain what's bothering you... and see what's going to be his reaction... at the end he did not do something horrible such as cheating on you... Do not give her a chance to be the shoulder he cries on...

Ms.. Redrose