[computergeek101]

:confused:
Hello,
I am writing for some advice perhaps. My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years and we have a great marriage but there's one problem to speak of. My mother... Now, I know my mom loves us and loves me and I am not disrespecting my mother or anything because she would do anything for either of us but that seems to be the issue at hand.
My parents are very helpful, financially emotionally etc... And that always helps but I feel that by us borrowing money for a new home, we owe her now and she can come and control this situation by stepping on my wife’s toes about things such as where the couch should be located, where the pictures should go. What size bed we should have etc. I myself really am oblivious to it but I am learning of pent up animosity on my wife’s part and want to alleviate it as soon as possible.
I love my wife and my mom and it's really a rough spot to be in trying to keep my wife's toes from not being stepped on and my mom's feelings from being hurt. My mom always said that she loves to be involved and wants to help but it seems that she is intruding. My wife feels that our new home is beautiful but every executive decision that has been made has been second guessed by my mom or me... I just wanted to move the TV farther from the couch...
I do understand where she is coming from but don't know how to approach it with my mother without hurting her feelings. She is super sensitive and again, Her and my father have helped us out financially within the last 6 months with a loan which I pay her monthly and I pay interest.

Should I consider that a business transaction since I am paying interest. Is it ungrateful for me to ask my mother to please try to step back a little bit. Am I obligated to have my mom involved in every aspect of our new home process since she has monetary interest where the home is concerned? How can I make my wife feel better about the situation and make her know that she is my number one and not my mom? Again, I love my mom very much but my wife is not happy. Please provide any feedback/opinions you may have concerning this. I truly appreciate your time in advance.

[Chery]

Sorry you are caught in the middle like this and hope things eventually get better. Have you had the chance to talk to your father about this? If he can see in any way what you are going through he might be able to talk to his number one and ask her how hard things were then, and to back off a little to give you a chance. He probably knows his wife better than anyone else, and I'm sure he knows you love her, but ask him to remember back when they first started and what a mother can do. Ask him if he ever had to decide between his mother or his wife, maybe this might ring a bell.

In my opinion if papers were signed for the loan and interest is paid, this is a business deal and should be treated as such.

Send mom flowers with a nice card thanking her for helping you get a start in providing for your OWN family and that you hope she visits every now and then on holidays, but to give you and your wife a chance to settle down and let your wife do as good of a job as she did, and if it would be OK if your wife could contact her for advice once in a while but that she would really like to try some things on her own. Good luck!

[jduke44]

I agree this is a tough situation for you to be in. I personally don't think it would be right for your mother to try to control matters by lending you money(if that is what she is doing). If that seems to be the case and she does this every time they lend you money, I would recommend you not borrow money from them unless it was an absolute emergency. I believe within reason that parents should help their children out. I don't think they should use it as leverage to control their children's lives. If it is a gift, it should be treated as such, if it si a loan, again, it should be treated as such. My mother paid for my brother's pool supplies since she had to knock her pool down. The way she handled it was she wanted to control who used the pool and who couldn't. My mother is very sensitive about these things too, but as a third party, I felt I needed to tell her that she shouldn't do that. It is their house and they should be able to invite whoever they wanted. She agreed, but I bet that won't stop her the next time. I like Chery's answer to see if your father could talk to her. Someone needs to talk to her. If it is not your father, it really should be you. Be sensitive to her feelings, but let her know she is being a little overbearing. One thing I have to stress you should always support your wife. Especailly in the matter that is most important to her. However, you do need to still repsect you are mother and ytour wife should respect her also. I laways liken it to disciplining children, if one spouse doesn't agree with the discipline from the other, never ever show that in front of the children. Talk about it out of sight of the children. I think the same thing should happen with parents. I hope this helped and wasn't too long to read.

[Wildcat21]

Hey - this is simple - listen to what she has to say. LET her be involved.

Hell, move the couch where you want it when she leaves.

She may have some good ideas??

[computergeek101]

Hi,
Thank you all for your timely replys. I am going to try to step back and back my wife with what ever she says even if I don't agree where the TV is :) I may try talking to my father who seems to be most intuned to my wife's feelings that I missed. I really feel that I had cut the appron strings but maybe not enough.
I do not ever ask them (my parents) for anything. Just this time I did because I didn't want to miss out on a good deal. I wanted to throw that out there for the record. I have a great job and make good money for not having a BA degree yet... working on it. Did the military thing instead of the college thing.

Anway, Please keep responding as I need all the imput I can get! :cool:

[Chery]

Now that I know you were in the military, maybe your mom missed you so much that she sees it as a chance to be with you as much as possible because she missed you. At any rate, thanks for thinking of my advice. Did you click the scale to rate me? If not, that's OK too, I just want to help as much as I can, and I know about military life since I was an NCO's wife and we were gone from the states a lot. Good Luck in your new home!

[fredg]

Hi,
Age old story... Mom can't accept things are they are, and wants to change them to suit her, or Dad does the same thing.
Forget about what you owe her, moneywise, in relation to these events.
A husband and wife can only take so much from their parents, and some parents will try running their lives for them. When you get to the point you just can't take anymore, then it's time for a talk with your Mom.
Ever watched the TV show, "Raymond"? Ever pay attention to Ray's Mom and dad? Walking in the house anytime they like, never knocking, never calling. It's a comedy show, but in real life, I have known parents just like this!
You have to talk with your Mom, tell her she is loved, she is welcome in your home anytime, but leave the furniture, cooking, and other things about our marriage alone. If we want your opinion, we will ask for it.
There is no easy way to do this, and it will make her upset for a little, but she will get over it.
It's your marriage; you want it to last??
Best of luck,
fredg

[shenda]

This is not a hard position to be in, once you locate your proper position. YOu are no longer under the dictates of your mother, anything at this point is mere suggestive guidance... you are a grown man who is able to think for himself. This is not to disrespect your mother, but to locate her. Too often when the fear of clipped purse-strings are in order, we buckle under the control of mom... You said it yourself, you make good money, have a good job; therefore, let mom know your appreciation for the loan while expressing your appreciation for suggestions rendered which will need to meet the approval of you and your wife. People will only intrude as far as permitted. You can not always spare the feelings of your mother without harming that of your wife. You must, in respect, correct your mother. Do not always anticipate your wife to be the understanding one... this is not good for your overall marriage health. Think about it, you would not allow the Loan Office at random, or at will to come into your home and dictate any type of affair, thus it is with your mother. She in this role, concerning the loan, is no different from the banking institution... she has no right dictate; however because she is up-close and personal and multi-dimensional in life, she can make suggestions, she is entitled to her opinion, free-speech grants her this liberty; however, your wife's opinion holds more weight. Your wife is your partner, one who must be consulted, one who's opinion is considered toward achieving final destination, it matters and it is important. You have given your mother too much leeway in this matter. There is a balance... honor your mother, respect your wife, live in peace and harmony... roles need to be clearly defined and if you expect your wife to understand the way your mother is behaving, you need to understand that your mother and your wife are two different women, raised in different era's and expect different things from you... mom wants obedience from you... your wife wants respect, consideration, love, honor, validation.. etc. There is a balance, it can be achieved; however, do not ghost the loan rec'vd justification of mom's intrusion. This is not your mother's home... she did not give you the money, she is not paying for it... You are and what is yours belongs to your wife and what belongs to your wife belongs to you... Be grateful just not manipulated. How far are you willing to let mom go, and as for simply agreeing with your wife for the sake of backing her is an outcry. Locate yourself... be pleasing to self... all will embrace in time. If you do not agree with your wife... tell her and ensure that she understands that this has nothing to do with your mother, it is you she is dealing with... it is you that she is married to; therefore, she should never feel that she has to deal with your mother vicariously through you. When she needs to interact with your mother, that is the foundation and stance she will confront... support, comfort, protect her, above all.

[computergeek101]

Hi all...

Thank you again for all of your helpful insight. This is a great sight filled with much wisdom. I seem to have run in's with drama here and there so I will be back. I am often good at giving advice, just not good at heeding my own! Again, Many thanks! :p