[Fallon]

Hello. My son just turned 12. His father tells me and also now my son tells me that he wants to go live with his father. I have no idea why.
Currently, we have EQUAL 50% - 50% living arrangements where we BOTH live in the same town, only minutes apart, in the SAME school district, but in a different neighborhood. Our son can easily get to school from either house. He lives in my home one week, then the next week in his Dad's home.

Ever since his Dad's girlfriend moved into Dad's house, they have been pretending they are married, she even uses his last name and introduces herself as my son's Stepmother. She does not work; stays home due to some medical seizures , and State disability. She had her drivers license taken away. She does all the cleaning, cooking, arts and crafts, is there on every "No school" day and snow day, etc. She helps my son w/ homework daily as they said he "must" go there every day after school, since I work.

I practically raised my son myself until he was 7.5 and then when I finally left my sons' father (due to emotional abuse) my son went to live half the time with his father in a different house HALF the time (the Uncle lived there and took care of our son a lot, prior to the girlfriend moving in). It has been totally equal for many years.

I have a court date tomorrow as his father is now demanding full residential custody. He also stopped paying the child support to me over a month ago. I had to go get a second job, plus I also clean hosues sometimes, when I can, for extra cash. I HAD to.

Is living only 7 minutes away from me, in DAD'S house with the Girlfriend in the child's best interest? Is there a good reason why he should? Is there something wrong with ME or my nice condo? They claim some of this had to do with my son not liking my live-in boyfriend. The man does not do any harm at all to my son. All my son ever said was that this man "seems mad all the time" Which is odd, because that is not true. Some days he is aggravated about work, etc. and other days he's as happy as could be, singing in the house. It all depends on the day. That's just like everybody!

I want to keep it the same schedule as it has been for years. Of course I enjoy being involved in my sons' life, raising him, offering my thoughts, instilling my beliefs, values, etc. He's my only child. Equal. 50% - 50% in the SAME town, same school, even a lot of the same friends. I do not feel 2 days or so, a month, for "visitation" will lead to a better relationship with my only son. We will grow apart slowly over time. I will no longer know anything about him, his friends, his likes or dislikes. He will be solely influenced by only ONE parent, his father, and the father's girlfriend who is with mostly over there (Dad works a lot and goes out a lot at night for his volunteer work)

Will the judge award full residential custody to the father? For no apparent reason?
This case hears tomorrow, WEDNESDAY. Any chance I will get any child support money at all?

Nothing is on paper, no court was ever involved before. This is our first time going to court.

[Greg Quinn]

Sounds a lot like your X is screwing you over. Isn't it funny how they turn like that? I hope you can tell your lawyer the same thing you told us here about your live in boyfriend and give more details. These things usually hinder on what the child at that age wants and it seems to me he has been "prepared" for this. I know how easy it is to manipulate kids and to do what he has done is very shallow. The system shouldn't be used like this when it isn't necessary I'm sorry you are going through this and good luck today. I'm rooting for 50%50

Tell me the out come or if you just want to talk that's cool to.

[Greg Quinn]

Oops tomorrow. ... My mistake. Maybe you can sit down and discuss carefully with your son what that can do to affect your lives and mention the 50/50 thing. I'm not a big fan of 50/50 child support though. Also... You need a lawyer if you don't have one. Judges usually see that it is important to keep it more fair now for the child's sake, but if your son wishes it, it may be granted. But I'm Canadian and I'm not sure where you are from.

[ScottGem]

I'm afraid, under the circumstances, the judge may very well award full time custody to the father. There is really no way to predict what a judge will do, but in this case, with a stay at home mom and the proximity that would allow you generous visitation, it might go that way.

One thing that is in your favor is he NEVER should have stopped child support. If and only if the judge awarded him full physical custody could he stop.

[Greg Quinn]

It's also important to have some support with you when going to court for matters such as these. I hope you can find someone to be with you tomorrow. I always find it better for me not to be alone, it can be a scary place. :)

[Fallon]

From Fallon: Well, I do not have a lawyer, could not possibly afford to hire one, much less pay him/her when all finished. So I am going in totally alone. True, the live-in girlfriend is now called a "fiance'" (has been for 3.5 years) and she is home... but due to her medical condition, seizures. She cannot drive. Anything to do with driving falls to my sons' father after his work, or girlfriend's retired father that my son now calls Grandpa. Also, from what girlfriend tells me, she is now called "Mom" ( 1960s Donna Reed Fantasy)

Yes, my son's dad stopped paying child support ONLY because it was not court-ordered. Why? Well - due to several thousands of dollars of under-the-table unclaimed cash income from his DJ business over MANY years, he told me if I took him to court for child support I'd get very little , as his income on the books for his regular job alone would warrant a low monthly payment. He offered me $500 a month, which I accepted, as it was more, and I needed it. NOW he just suddenly stopped 2 months ago because he felt like it. I am sure Girlfriend told him to.

I do not know what will happen tomorrow. I may lose my son to "them" and who cares about visitation? Honestly, If I am a single woman supporting myself , I need to work. Two jobs, clean houses, etc. etc. so I may not even be home. And I can't afford to spend money on taking my son to expensive batting cages and video arcades and movies I don't really want to see, to make him "like" me - and just because his dad drops him off at my house and he's sitting around bored. He won't have any kids in my neighborhood to play with, as he won't be living there anymore, and all his friends are at Dad's house.

I want him to be part of my life, and me part of his. I want to do he normal everyday things like grocery shopping, chores, looking up homework answers on the computer, etc. and inviting his friends over to our home. All of that will just go away when I wind up seeing him only 1 or 2 days a month. Why even bother? It is SO SAD.
He's my only son, my ONLY family in my state. I cannot compete with his father and Girlfriend and their family members in NJ and the big house father lives in with the big backyard and bar b que and family picknics.

I guess single moms who have to work all day and can only afford condos just never win, we should be tossed aside when no longer needed, when someone better comes along, a better, bigger DEAL.
She handles all his money and the household bills.

[ScottGem]

Without an attorney, your chances are even less.

Do you have any proof of the $500/mth payments? If you can prove them, you might have a small shot.

[Greg Quinn]

That is very sad. You got me totally depressed, I think if your son is aware of how you feel he may retract any written letters that may have been written. It's ultimately up to him. My heart goes out to you. What you wrote here could affect the judges heart as well. But you need to start writing your defensive strategy now. They will have a game plan and poke at you. Do not show any resentment towards the step mom but make the court aware that she is the sole care provider for your son when he is there. Sometimes it takes a judge to set it right. I like the normal life you want to lead and feel that if you start working on this, I will stay up tonight and help you prepare for this. You get back to me.

Some of the things in here say you are more than fit to have your son in equal time. You need to modify it.

Quote:

I want him to be part of my life, and me part of his. I want to do he normal everyday things like grocery shopping, chores, looking up homework answers on the computer, etc. and inviting his friends over to our home. All of that will just go away when I wind up seeing him only 1 or 2 days a month. Why even bother? It is SO SAD.
He's my only son, my ONLY family in my state. I cannot compete with his father and Girlfriend and their family members in NJ and the big house father lives in with the big backyard and bar b ques and family picnics.

practically raised my son myself until he was 7.5 and then when I finally left my sons' father (due to emotional abuse) my son went to live half the time with his father in a different house HALF the time (the Uncle lived there and took care of our son a lot, prior to the girlfriend moving in). It has been totally equal for many years.

I have a court date tomorrow as his father is now demanding full residential custody. He also stopped paying the child support to me over a month ago. I had to go get a second job, plus I also clean hosues sometimes, when I can, for extra cash. I HAD to.

Is living only 7 minutes away from me, in DAD'S house with the Girlfriend in the child's best interest? Is there a good reason why he should? Is there something wrong with ME or my nice condo? They claim some of this had to do with my son not liking my live-in boyfriend. The man does not do any harm at all to my son. All my son ever said was that this man "seems mad all the time" Which is odd, because that is not true. Some days he is aggravated about work, etc. and other days he's as happy as could be, singing in the house. It all depends on the day. That's just like everybody!

I want to keep it the same schedule as it has been for years. Of course I enjoy being involved in my sons' life, raising him, offering my thoughts, instilling my beliefs, values, etc. He's my only child. Equal. 50% - 50% in the SAME town, same school, even a lot of the same friends. I do not feel 2 days or so, a month, for "visitation" will lead to a better relationship with my only son. We will grow apart slowly over time. I will no longer know anything about him, his friends, his likes or dislikes. He will be solely influenced by only ONE parent, his father, and the father's girlfriend who is with mostly over there (Dad works a lot and goes out a lot at night for his volunteer work)

Will the judge award full residential custody to the father? For no apparent reason?
This case hears tomorrow, WEDNESDAY. Any chance I will get any child support money at all?

Nothing is on paper, no court was ever involved before. This is our first time going to court.

[Fallon]

Well, I can try to print out the copies of the checks I deposited into my checking account. I think that is available on-line, at least for the last couple of years. But not from the beginning, YEARS ago. Also, he has all the cancelled checks he wrote me. That is the proof.
But aside from his dirty money that he holds over my head, I want my SON who seems to think I am using him as a money machine (his words) to get money from his dad to buy stuff. WHERE did he get that from?? Girlfriend? He also says all I care about is money (what?! ) Again, overheard that from Girlfriend? I do not know.

So my son is likely to be pulled out of school tomorrow and Girlfriend will be sitting there outside in the waiting area w/ my son on "her" side - so it is Three Against One (me). So if the judge sides with them, after talking to my son, then that is it.

I have already filled out papers to become a resource parent for a foster child. That will fill my house with life, and I'll be doing a part time job that does GOOD for the community and serves a purpose. I can quit my other two part time jobs. It's a big commitment but it is a worthy cause. Of course I need the money as well, to keep my condo, but it's more than that. I enjoy making a difference, I enjoy helping a child/ taking care of one, having a FAMILY - others in my life. I want that, I need that, and so do all those children out there who have no place to go and no home.

[ScottGem]

I'm really at a loss on this one. I feel your pain and I don't think you should give up. That would be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Its clear your son has been brainwashed to some extent.

But the only hope for you is to get an attorney who knows the ins and outs.

[sGt HarDKorE]

My dad and mom use to do that to me all the time, "who would you like to live with?" was the daily question and then there was bad things said from each of them.

My mom won custody of me and then asked me who I really wanted to live with, and I'm not sure what I said, but it tore me apart. Every time my parents were together they insulted each other. I listened to one of my dad's messages to my mom and he was cussing at her. I learned from there on that my dad wasn't the best dad. My mom is not a good mother either but she is like god compared to him. He lies to me a lot he will even kidnap me sometimes. He will tell me we are going to see like my aunt and then we will go down to Tennessee or something for a week.

My dad had a lot of money, a large house with a lake and more, but they saw through that.

Let the judge know that he is doing find right now where he is and yes you may be busy working, but it only shows that you care for your son and only want the best for him.

Don't give up, and if you lose or win, just try to be careful what you say to your son.

My dad does not care about anything that has to do with education and such, so I thought he was the best dad because he would let me do anything I want. When I was 9 years old he let me walk around alone in Disney world and I thought he was again really cool cause he let me anything. But now I see that he just didn't care.

Let the judge know that the only reason the son is over at his fathers house is because of the girlfriend. What happens if he dumps her? Then there is no homework helping, no arts a crafts, etc... Make sure the judge goes based on your ex, not the girlfriend. They are not married so she shouldn't affect the decision.

[sGt HarDKorE]

From Fallon:
I guess single moms who have to work all day and can only afford condos just never win, we should be tossed aside when no longer needed, when someone better comes along, a better, bigger DEAL.
She handles all his money and the household bills.

I lived in an apartment until I was 11. Then I moved into a house but my mom lost it because she couldn't afford it and we are now in a condo. My mom works probably 18 hours out of the day, I don't even see her. I don't mind that as she and I are really different and she doesn't respect me, but she won.

[froggy7]

I am also conflicted about this thread. On the one hand, we have a dad who really seems to be making a good home for his son and girlfriend. (I'll grant you, I'd be happier if he and the girlfriend actually got married, but that's a separate issue.) On the other hand, we have a mother who is obviously devoted to her son, but is working several jobs, and, in my entirely lay opinion, sounds like she might be dealing with at least a little bit of depression. (Especially the post about signing up to be a foster parent... that makes me think that the mother is thinking slightly more about what is best for her than she is concerned about the son. Once again, just my impression based on limited information. I could be way off base.) And who has a live-in boyfriend (which makes me wonder what he is doing, since it seems like he should be shouldering more of the burden.) Both parents live near each other, making it easy for the child to see both.

If, as some people suggest, we don't consider the impact that the girlfriend has on the living arrangements, then we also shouldn't consider the boyfriend. In which case, I'd be slightly inclined to lean towards dad, but might keep it 50/50. If we consider the impact of both the significant others, then I have to say it does sound like Dad's house is a better environment for the boy to be in. However, given that you do live close to each other, I'd push for a lot of visitation.

Also, while you may think that living a week with you and then a week with dad is in the child's best interests, would you want to be moving every week? I know that I wouldn't.

And finally... you say that you left your son's father because of emotional abuse. And your son says that your current boyfriend "seems angry all the time". It might be worth it to see if you can find some sort of counseling to see if there is a pattern in this that you are missing since you are so close to it. It's possible that your son is picking up a different vibe from the boyfriend than you are, which may be part of why he wants to go live with his dad.

But this is really a case where I want to hear the other side's version of events. It seems like we have two adults, neither of whom are monsters, who just aren't seeing eye to eye on what is the best course of events. Getting the other view would allow a better understanding of what that course is.

[Greg Quinn]

Well in my experience... People stay up all night and ponder what they will say to the judge. I for one stand there like a panicked little kitten with an expensive lawyer standing next to me. I wouldn't know what to say if I knew what to say 5 Min's prior. I bet there are things you can do to get subsidized legal help if you are at a fairly low income, I have to assume you were served papers? And this is the first court date, I have never heard of a judge not granting at least three weeks for you to ready your own defence, or obtain a lawyer. You need to really sit down and really think about what is really important information that needs to be heard by the judge for him to see the true point. And write it all down, it took me 3 days to prepare an affidavit against my x and I kicked BuTT. Of course she was going for it all, and that made her look even worse. The trick is to explain what your son has said to you, that you feel was "brainwashed into his head." I'm sure it was years of it but you probably have little proof. When you are stating something you are not completely sure about but you assume, always refer to it as "I believe". This way if you are wrong and it is proven, you would not have lied to the courts. And that is important. Explain what you said earlier that you don't have a great deal of money and that the relationship was what it was and you live in a home that exceeded your single income financial means. $500.00 a month is very little money to a judge as I have many friends paying quadruple that here (Although I am Canadian). I hope you at least look at your rights when you go there and never ever be afraid to ask his or her honor any questions. If you do not understand something ask. It is a very confusing place sometimes, and sometimes it is just fine. I hated reading you're throw in the towel speech because it took me back to a place I was once. I see how children can be manipulated by one parent and hope you can get an extension tomorrow. I think you are entitled to 50% access to your son who is twelve, he is still a child who is vulnerable. Froggy7 made a few good points... Like... He's way off base. Okay I accidentally reread his silly message. Sorry, he just has some terrible timing. In all this there may be some sort of offering to help better the communication between the parents like, mediation or required parenting after separation courses, make sure you ask about these options if you feel like it may help get you a few brownie points. Remember that they probably have a lawyer and you need to expect the unexpected. People can get really dishonest in those places. So Keep me informed, I will check in a lot tonight.

[Fallon]

Dear Greg: Well, the judge said the physical custody should remain equal and joint. For now anyway, as he father can re-file later in 3 months after getting a physcological evalution of the child. I just want my son to know that I love him very very much, more than he can imagine. Why he does not want to live with me I have no clue - makes no sense to me unless someone has been poisoning his mind by saying things to others, that he happens to overhear. I think it's just awful that people are doing that to him. Just awful. Poor kid seemed just fine on Monday and Tuesday - BUt then on Wednesday he seemed all sad, AFTER TELLING ME "why did you go and tell Daddy that we are having a great time and it's all fun - you told him that"?? When all I happened to mention was that he was "fine" and having a good time with the new puppy I got (my old dog just died).

[brokenhearted_mom]

Hello. My son just turned 12. His father tells me and also now my son tells me that he wants to go live with his father. I have no idea why.
Currently, we have EQUAL 50% - 50% living arrangments where we BOTH live in the same town, only minutes apart, in the SAME school district, but in a different neighborhood. Our son can easily get to school from either house. He lives in my home one week, then the next week in his Dad's home.

Ever since his Dad's girlfriend moved into Dad's house, they have been pretending they are married, she even uses his last name and introduces herself as my son's Stepmother. She does not work; stays home due to some medical siezures , and State disability. She had her drivers license taken away. She does all the cleaning, cooking, arts and crafts, is there on every "No school" day and snow day, etc. She helps my son w/ homework daily as they said he "must" go there every day after school, since I work.

I practically raised my son myself until he was 7.5 and then when I finally left my sons' father (due to emotional abuse) my son went to live half the time with his father in a different house HALF the time (the Uncle lived there and took care of our son a lot, prior to the girlfriend moving in). It has been totally equal for many years.

I have a court date tomorrow as his father is now demanding full residential custody. He also stopped paying the child support to me over a month ago. I had to go get a second job, plus I also clean hosues sometimes, when I can, for extra cash. I HAD to.

Is living only 7 minutes away from me, in DAD'S house with the Girlfriend in the child's best interest? Is there a good reason why he should? Is there something wrong with ME or my nice condo? They claim some of this had to do with my son not liking my live-in boyfriend. The man does not do any harm at all to my son. All my son ever said was that this man "seems mad all the time" Which is odd, because that is not true. Some days he is aggravated about work, etc. and other days he's as happy as could be, singing in the house. It all depends on the day. That's just like everybody!

I want to keep it the same schedule as it has been for years. Of course I enjoy being involved in my sons' life, raising him, offering my thoughts, instilling my beliefs, values, etc. He's my only child. Equal. 50% - 50% in the SAME town, same school, even a lot of the same friends. I do not feel 2 days or so, a month, for "visitation" will lead to a better relationship with my only son. We will grow apart slowly over time. I will no longer know anything about him, his friends, his likes or dislikes. He will be solely influenced by only ONE parent, his father, and the father's girlfriend who is with mostly over there (Dad works a lot and goes out a lot at night for his volunteer work)

Will the judge award full residental custody to the father? For no apparent reason?
This case hears tomorrow, WEDNESDAY. Any chance I will get any child support money at all?

Nothing is on paper, no court was ever involved before. This is our first time going to court.

Dear Fallon: You are yet another mom with whom I can completely identify with given our situations with our teen sons and their dads. I've just only started a custody fight for my son. He has been living with his dad since April nearly full-time, although I still have legal physical custody. For the past 15 years, I've been the primary caregiver, and now that has changed as my son only wants to live with his dad. The only reasons he gives me is that I've had him for 13 years, and now he needs to spend time with him. As much as I support that, I don't want to lose my relationship with my son. And I agree with you, 2 days a week is not enough to maintain that... you're lucky. Right now, I'm barely getting 30 mintues. My son and I have always had a very close and loving relationship - I don't know where this is coming from. I'm certainly not perfect, but he has positioned me as the monster-mother from hell. All of us live in the same town, less than 1/2 mi. away from each other. His father has remarried a stay-at-home mom, and between them both, they have the financial means to give my son much more than I could at this point in my life. I've been working on and off over the past 12 years so I could be home with my son, so money has been an issue. I've remarried, which has helped, but my son doesn't like my husband either. I'm hurt and confused, as you are. Please keep us posted as to what happens in court. I'd be interested to know. Wish you well. God Bless and hang in there! You're not alone!

[Fallon]

Dear BrokenHearted Mom:

I can relate to you SOOOO well, of course. I am sorry you are feeling hurt. I also am feeling hurt. My son is only 12. I don't know why boys do this. He also thinks I am horrible. Yet, I did EVERYTHING for this boy when he was young! He was my best friend.
I think that kids are basically selfish. They do what works and they like the home that gives them the most stuff. I also don't have as much money as his father and the girlfriend.

Well, I did go to court. The judge did not give his father custody. He said no reason to remove the child from my home. He said they can re file in 3 months, which they will do. "She" told me so (the girlfriend). They are going to get a full physco evaluation of my son at that time for "proof" of my "mental abuse" (? ) She wants to be Mommy!!

I was told by the judge that he reccomends Family Therapy and that I should choose and pay for that person. I already had a family therapist, but because of them, he quit ! He refuses to work with them, as he thinks it a waste of his time as they have an adgenda and they accused him of being biased and unethical. They accused him of lying! The judge said I can pick the therapist and THEY got SO ANGRY. It's got to be a loss of control, I think. They want CONTROL.

So I am currently looking into getting a new therapist, which has proved VERY difficult. I think I now have one, not 100% sure yet.

Please write to me off-line, as I'd love to talk more with you. Not a problem.
Believe me, I understand and I do feel your hurt.

---Fallon

{E-mail address edited out-<> Please use PMs to exchange e-mail address privately}

[Fallon]

I wanted to mention to Froggy that the REASON I was thinking of signing up to be a Foster parent is BECAUSE I did NOT want to work a 2nd job . I wanted to be sure I was HOME to take care of my son and make him dinner, etc. I looked on line for work at home jobs, but they appear to be mostly SCAMS that want your money. And the pay seems so minimal. If I took a job as a resource parent (foster parent) of course at least half the money the State pays you goes towards food, utilities and clothes for the child. And maybe half goes towards your time and your work in helping the foster child until their mother gets out of Rehab, etc. Yes, I do need to add income so my car does not get repossed or my cable TV and internet can stay on and my bills are all paid. I receive NO CHILD SUPPORT.

Fostering is a job, but a very very important job that HELPS children in their time of need. To me, that's a job that makes a difference! And my son used to ASK ME to adopt a boy that could be his brother. My son used to say he was lonely. There are no boys in our neighborhood. I thought that he may actually ENJOY having a same-age or close to his age boy to hang out with. AND I would always be home, not at a part time job in a store. I'd BE HOME. Why is opening my heart to child in need , as a job, being selfish?

I went to a seminar where they talked about the great NEED in my state for foster parents and "can you please help" etc. etc.

Because my son's dad make such a big stink about this idea, I now work a part time JOB outside the home for low pay, but only on the week when my son is living with his father. By the way, he has everything at both houses. Clothes, shoes, toys, furniture, etc etc at both houses equally. Although his dad does buy him better electronics.
He does not have to move every week. There is nothing to move.