[familyman2]

Hello to all my old friends here. I had to start a new post because the old one began to steer way off course. So to begin here I want to vent on how my lawyer is frustrating the hell out of me.

When I first went to her I was seeking somewhere near sole custody realizing I would wind up with somewhere near joint. But she just did her bare minimum working just enough to achieve the status quo. I had a lock tight case, and she blew it.

Furthermore, she gave away more visitation time than I agreed to. I had a written statement that my ex could visit on alternate Wednesdays... she gave the ex every Wednesday. On Fridays when there is no school, I get them until noon. But on Mondays when there is no school, she gets them until 5PM. And because I fought to put the kids in school with me, they gave her an extra 26 days during the summer. These are all things I didn't agree to, never received the document for review before it went to the judge, and never signed it. I'm not trying to keep the kids from their mother, I just want a fair resolution. With this plan I basically get downtime with the kids M/T/TH, while she gets
W/F/S/Sun, and most of the summer. This is not acceptable to me, nor do I think it is fair.
I feel like I was railroaded by both attorneys who just wanted to get through this case.

My first hearing is in a few weeks. Right now we are working on the financial part of the case. So the situation is getting sticky.
I want to talk to her about the custody thing, but don't want her to get too ruffled to care about the financials.

I want to fire my lawyer, and report her. But it is getting down to the wire, and finding a new lawyer, and getting one up to speed seems dangerous.

What are my rights here? Can I ask my attorney to file for a modification of the custody agreement? Would it be worthwhile going to another attorney?

[ScottGem]

You can certainly fire your atty if you think she isn't getting what you want. But remember divorce is a negotiation. Maybe she is getting you the best deal she thinks she can,

[tawnynkids]

I would at the very least take it to a new attorney and see if there is something that can be done under the circumstances. It can't hurt to find out what another (or even a couple more) would say. Not having agreed and submitting "agreements" to the court without your signature at the least sounds like ineffective counsel. Since the divorce isn't final in it's entirety I would try now because afterwards it will need to be presented under a modification which will probably require a change of circumstance and be far more difficult if not impossible. You are paying for services that should be performed to the best of their ability and not explaining why and keeping you fully informed especially if they can't get you what you want is something you should be getting from your lawyer at the very least. So, take it to someone else and see if there is any possibility they can somehow file a motion to re-review or at least what you could do in the immediate future to rectify this. Good luck.

[Fr_Chuck]

First your attorney can't give anything away, if you don't agree and sign it don't happen.

Next your attorney can not do any more or less than you tell or allow them to do.

You can see if you can get a time ( put things on hold) to allow you to get a new attorney. But in child custody, there is no "slam dunk" and even the best cases lose before some judges no matter what for some reasons

[mnunn]

I also had an atty that I had heard was so good. Very hard to reach and her prices began to escalate and she prolonged everything. I ended up doing most of the papers myself and then she asked when I became an atty. Well, you do what you have to do when you have so much to lose! I was too far involved to switch at this time and it is very costly to get another atty and then start all over. I also realized during mediation how little she knew. I had become consumed with learning as much as I could. The mediators made major mistakes but in my favor and I never said a word. They scolded me for not settling sooner and afterwards they saw a smile on my face. The experienced mediator then asked me "said there was more wasn't there ?" and I only smiled. Because they forgot to mention other assets but the way it was worded in divorce, they became mine. I did not do this maliciously, but the courts do not look at fairness in a divorce. My ex was a drug user and I had supported him for years. He ended up with what they thought was 1/2 of estate in settlement. No fault and community state.

Good luck!

[talaniman]

Your just getting started in this whole messy thing and if your already frustrated, you will be more so later I think it would help to look at the bigger picture, and get through this process of give and take. You will not get everything you want, your way for sure, since the other side is as determined as you are. You must understand that from the start. To bring in another attorney at this point for basically a few less days of visitation, may not be better in the long run, especially with property and assets still unsettled. Better to detach yourself for now, and wait for the final product, that requires your agreement. AND HERS.

[familyman2]

Point taken Talaniman,

I have since taken many deep breaths. I'm still a bit upset about these things, but have
Decided to ride it out until after the initial hearing, which is in a few days.

If I am not satisfied with the final outcome what are the parameters of an appeal?

One other tidbit: The temporary court order stated that she has to give me the address
Of the new residence where my kids are staying. She has yet to give that to me. I have
Asked for it via email several times, and she just tells me to drop the kids off with her at the local market. Isn't this contempt of court? What are the consequences?

[talaniman]

If I am not satisfied with the final outcome what are the parameters of an appeal?

You don't appeal, you keep negotiating. This can go on forever.

Isn't this contempt of court?

You report it to the court, and a judge decides.

[familyman2]

Well, this divorce is winding down. I didn't get the kids as much as I wanted, and I wasn't thrilled about the money distribution. But neither was she. So I guess this is the nature of divorces. No one wins, but the lawyers.

A milestone happened yesterday. When I brought my kids out to meet the ex for her visitation she was standing there with her boyfriend. (If you have been following this mess
You'll remember this is the affair she swore she wasn't having as she secretly moved my kids in his house, and told the kids to lie about it). I had been wondering what I was going to do if I ever saw this low life. Would I knock him out, would I thank him for taking her off my hands, would I lose my cool? Well... all I did was give my kids a big hug and kiss, told them I loved them, and then walked away without even acknowledging the ex and her dork. I was relieved because it really didn't bother me at all. It was such an obvious
Attempt of my ex to do one or more of the following: She wants me to pine for her because her ego can't handle the fact that I got over it. Or she wanted me to lose my cool
So she could feel justified in abandoning the marriage and being unfaithful. One of my close female friends said that a woman will do this in an immature and selfish way of showing how happy she is with her newbie. My friend also said that this is her unconscious way of telling me that she misses me. (This sounds like a stretch to me, but who knows).

In any event, she is still playing games, and I am moving on. She is a bit angry because
I got the kids in school with me, so she has to pay ME child support. I definitely don't need her money, but it is great that she finally has learned that there are consequences to her actions. Maybe she just brought this guy around me to send out a feeble jab...

[talaniman]

To your credit, you acted maturely and wisely. She can play all the games she wants, you don't have to. No one wins in a divorce, especially the kids, but we can ease the blow by acting like adults. Guess what? Your life has just started over, and you should enjoy it.

[familyman2]

Just more frustrations. Not quite sure what to do...

My ex is driving around in a car that is in my name. She has been ordered by the court to
Make the payments, reimburse me for my contribution, and pay off the car.
So far she has not paid a dime. She knows that if the car payments aren't made it
Hurts my credit. So I have been forced to make the payments every month as well as her insurance. If I take the car back then I am going to lose money on the resale, and
She won't need to pay for the car. I helped her get this car a few years ago because her
Credit standing is 0. It's shot. She promised to keep up with the payments, but hasn't.
My lawyer sent a note to her lawyer to have her pay me immediately, per court judgement. But she still has not made any payment.

Is there anything I can do? How can I get this enforced? My lawyers only advise was to
Repo it. But I don't want to ruin the good credit I have spent my whole adult life building.
This is very frustrating...

Can this hurt her case when we go to the final hearing? She is also supposed to pay me child support because the kids go to school with me. Again... nothing. I wish this could
Help me gain more custody time with my kids.

There has to be something within my rights to have this enforced. I can go to Child Services Dept for the support, but can I go to them for the car payments as well?

Just a lot of uncertainties here...

[ScottGem]

I think you are misunderstanding something here. The car is in your name, you are paying for it. When your lawyer says repo it, they don't mean have it repoed they mean that YOU take possession of it. If she wants the car back, then she has to give get financing and pay it off.

Your only other option is to sue her in small claims court and get a judgement against her to garnish her salary.

[familyman2]

I realize that I can take it back, but then she definitely won't make payments... I will look into small claims. Thanks

[Delilah P]

FAMILYMAN2, do you have an update you can share with us? How are your children? Are things amicable between you and your ex-wife? I know many of us would like to know how you have handled this difficult time in your life. Please post a message if you are looking in. Our thoughts are with you.

[familyman2]

Delilah, great to hear from you. And thank you again and again for your concern and support during this low point in my life.

The divorce has been taking ugly twists and turns. She keeps threatening to take the kids out of the great school I put them in and take them back to her town. She make these claims of abuse and uncooperative negotiating. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
My gut feeling is that she is trying to get out of paying support, which is very little. She is also thinking more about her best interests before the kids'. The kids love their school, they are getting straight A's, they are making friends and becoming stabilized. I have not missed one day of getting them to school. Yet, she wants to rip them out of this to get them to school near her. This is a crime! And the unfortunate thing is that I fear that the courts are biased, and they might give her the kids no matter what.

She continues to use the kids against me. I got a flyer about a daddy/daughter dance. I showed it to my daughter and in her excitement she asked if she could be my princess for the entire weekend. When I asked my ex if we could do this she replied "no, you can take her to the dance, but that is all". I emailed her and asked her to reconsider, stating that this could be a magical weekend for a little girl to always remember. We would go shopping for a new dress and shoes, get her hair done, etc... My ex emails back saying, "your days of control are over. You will not use my daughter to hurt me and make me feel guilty. She went into ranting about all the bad things I have done (all untrue) and that I could only take her to the dance.

I emailed back saying that my intentions had nothing to do with hurting her. It was merely a weekend that our daughter really wanted. It had nothing to do with me or the ex. But she made it that way. And in doing this she used my kid to hurt me, and it hurt the kid.

This is just a sample of what is going on. I am dealing with a very irrational person, who is making all kinds of false accusations to take the focus off her and to make me look like the bad guy.

If you recall, I was the one who didn't want this. I wanted to save my marriage and family.
This whole ordeal was her choice. I even agreed to an amicable divorce for the sake of the children. But when I heard that she secretly moved my kids into the house of the guy she was having an affair with (and had been supposedly just a friend), told the kids to keep it a secret, and told my kids that I was basically a bad person, all bets were off. I couldn't stand by and allow this to happen. It was then that I filed with a lawyer, filed for an emergency hearing, and told my ex that I would be keeping the kids until the matter was resolved. I wasn't about to let my 6 year old daughter to live in an undisclosed home with some man I don't know! But to this day she still tells everyone that I kidnapped my kids because I was jealous and vindictive. I told her she could visit with them and talk to them as much as she wanted, but I would not allow them to go into that home until I was able to do a background check on this guy, and get to know him if he planned to be a part of my children's lives.

Anyway, I am going on a bit too much. But this gives you an idea of the torment I am facing. She is using the kids against me, she hasn't paid anything for the car (and owes me 5K), making all kinds of outlandish allegations, and is threatening to take the kids back.

Even with the major roadblocks an frustrations I have kept it cool mostly. I have lost it a couple of times and given her a piece of my mind, but I am only human. Right?

The final thing is that I am very frustrated with my lawyer. She is keeping me in the dark, making many mistakes, and doesn't seem to be really fighting for me. It seems like the other lawyer is taking a client with a poor case (ex) and is kicking me in the butt.
Whenever I try to bring issues up she either claims it was my fault or that my concerns are irrelevant. It is too late to change lawyers, I think, because we have reached the mediation stage. So I though I would just voice my frustrations here.

Sorry for dumping all of this in one post Delilah. But it has been a while, and a lot has happened. I could go on and on... But I won't

Thank you so much for caring.

[talaniman]

Hang in there, buddy. All you can do is keep it real. Much luck!

[Delilah P]

I was so happy to see that you looked in and updated us! Thank you!

I'm so sorry that your ex continues to use your children to get back at you. And why she wants to 'get back' at you when you are the one who wanted to keep it together.. doesn't make any sense. Unfortunately, children are used like pawns in separations and divorces and made to suffer. It's so sad. No matter what anyone says, children will grow into adults and remember certain traumatic periods of their life. I have a neighbor who had gone through a divorce. His ex wanted to make his life so miserable because their 4 young sons clung to him and not her.. so she accused him of possibly molesting them. It was, of course, totally untrue. My point is that she didn't care how it would affect the boys.. or, how they would now think of their mother or father. The youngest boy asked what the word 'molesting' meant! That was 14 years ago. The wife didn't get her way.. the boys (now men) still 'hang out' with their dad.. their mom is off doing her own thing. She obviously didn't care what happened to her sons or what they would think of her.

I commend you for doing all that you can for your children, familyman2. I couldn't believe that your ex wouldn't allow you to make a fairytale/princess weekend for your little daughter after the father/daughter dance. It would have been perfect and something she would have always remembered. It was just a way to hurt you and not think about your daughter at all. So sad.

Continue with providing your children hours of happiness when they are with you. Know in your heart that as they mature they will remember their moments with you.. selecting certain special ones to remain in their heart. You are doing the right thing and you know it. You're not the game player.. your ex is. I hope that you will someday soon meet someone who will be nurturing to both you and your children.. someone who will love you for the person you are. Your children deserve that type of love, too.

Take care and post when you have a chance with any updates. Good news is always welcome! And, even when things aren't as you'd like them to be, it helps to talk (write) it out here. :-) You're doing a great job. Stay positive and strong. Your babies love you.

[talaniman]

I have a friend who was divorced, way back in the 80's, his kids and mine are about the same age (now 30's). She moved a few states over and he spent a lot of time and money just to see his kids. As they grew up, and became adults his older daughter, found a box of letters he had written his kids through the years and was livid with her mom for not giving them to her. Both kids hates their mom to this day, and they have gotten close to their dad. The point is her nastiness now, will come back and bite her butt, so your job is very simple, be the good loving dad you are, no matter what she, or the court do, because your kids will always love you for fighting for them.

[familyman2]

Thanks you all. Your support and words always keep me focused. By the way, the father/daughter dance was incredible. My little angel was beaming all night!

Now for some twist in the saga:

I just received a letter from my lawyer that the respondant's councel has moved and been adjudged to withdraw from the case. She fired my ex!

Sighting that she didn't meet her financial obligations and that there has been a complete breakdown in the atty/client relationship.

I can only imagine that the ex has stiffed her lawyer too. She has more than likely refused to heed her councel's advice, and has probably been her typical stubborn self.

So, what does this mean? Will this hurt her case? We are approaching the mediation, and I am wondering if this gives me a little more leverage realistically and psychologically.
She doesn't know that I know, and I will keep it that way. I don't want to take advantage of the situation, but this is a fight for what's best for the kids. And that is to keep them in the school they are in without the ex ripping them out and shooting for full custody.

Got to go. Kids are here!

[talaniman]

I think this will slow the process down until she retains another lawyer. I doubt she gets full custody, as that seems a long shot given your actions so far, a very, very looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong shot.