[Questionguy]

I'm trying to figure out what's going on here.

Here's my situation: A year and a half ago my high school sweetheart emailed me out of the blue. I'm trying to figure out where things are going, good or bad, I'm often confused by the situation. Here's background: We dated for 2-3 years in high school, lost our virginity together. I went off to college, met someone else, broke up with her. She got married, has been for 11 years. I've been married for 6. She has 2 kids 1 & 4, I have one on the way. We have not spoke since I broke up with her (1989?), I'm 35 she's 34. She moved out of the area, but has moved back.

Since she emailed me out of the blue we have exchanged emails anywhere from everyday to once a month. The first few weeks were a bit rocky, we were working out things like why I cheated on her, healing old stuff.. etc. Next we talked about telling our spouses we were communicating, ultimately, we decided not to. The past year has been talking about kid stuff, since were both going through life with newborns, spouse stuff, and just day-in day-out stuff. It has been nice and we get along quite well and see eye to eye on most things. It's been a nice friendship actually. Don't get me wrong, I am attracted to her, but I can't really see this turning into a affair. Also, her husband has made her a bit of a golf widow, and my wife is a workaholic. In the past months she has turned into a stay at home mom and I own my own business and work from home.

When we first started emailing each other we said "this is not anything, nothing more than two old friends catching up" We have not mentioned anything about our relationship since. At this point we have nicknames, and talk pretty frank about most things going on in our lives. She wants to send a gift when my baby arrives, under an alias. I really felt weird about it, but she insisted and I said OK.

My question for you all (I'd love to hear from females)- What is this? Why did she email me 15 years later out of nowhere? Where is this leading? It's so stupid, but I feel a bit out of control. Thoughts?

[shenda]

In life, whatever we do not define, is given the ability to carry on without boundaries, it will be allowed to be. To merely exist which has the propensity to take on a life of its own because the relationship has not been clearly defined, expectations are not clear. What does that mean? It means that a tangle of emotions will be vested into the atmosphere without precision purpose. It's normal to wonder the fate of an old love, most decent people hope that life is treating them well, while others seek to know if this is true. This is healthy and normal, we can't discount people, disregard them, as if they had no significant effect, especially, fond memories; however, to keep it healthy, eradicate the fear of telling your spouses. There is no harm in an old friend befriending the family. All parties need to be involved as not to create an insecure environment, and a secret society of intimacy. Currently the position taken creates an atmosphere of intimacy with your old lover instead of your wife. Your wife should, above all, remain your pillar. It is too easy to lean upon your old love, share with her things that ought to be shared with your respective spouse. This emotional bond will manifest in your marriages, if it remains, as is. The tendency to be free, to be open is present because your old love has not the same expectation of you. This is your opportunity to express yourself guilt-free. To be at liberty with your core self; however, keep in mind, the woman worthy of this, is your wife. Be careful that this relationship does not substitute for the reality of your life. It is great to have an atmosphere where you can be free, be at liberty and still know that you are embraced, respected, honored and loved. Keep your priority in focus and this supplement to your existence can create a stronger, more confident core person. However, know why you are willing to carry on this communication without your spouse awareness. Why do you feel the need to hide it? If you are not entertaining alternative motives, include your wife and insist that she includes her husband. Keep the relationship out in the open as not to act upon private fantasy. Think about it, that which is not known can not hurt, so we say; however, what is done in the dark, always come to light. It is impossible to carry on this relationship and not have it affect your marriage. It plays out in some form. Lack of spousal attention, you no longer rely upon your wife for conversation because that is being filled by someone else. Sharing time, quality time helps our spouses know us, which is often important. To be known by someone. I can only guess, but maybe your old love feels that above all, you knew her best, which has caused her to seek you out. If so, encourage her to avail herself to her own husband, be open to her own husband. Emotional bonds are not easily broken; however, if you can give this relationship a name to create boundaries, all shall be well. Open this relationship up, include the respective spouses, you are attracted to your old love, she is attracted to you, this is a recipe for misappropriated affections. Like an old song "If you can't love the one you want, love the one you are with"... I am not saying, nor suggesting that you will tip out on your wife; however, whomever has our time, attention and focus; has us. We can not kid ourselves. The more time you avail to your old love, the more she will expect it. It is a way to cope with life; however, it is much more assuring to share ourselves with our respective spouses. Less guilt and imagination to contend with. We can remain sober, make conscious decisions. I applaud you for taking the time to consider, to become conscious of the situation instead of contemplating due to consequences.

[Wildcat21]

I believe this is a form of cheating. You need to end this communications and spend your thoughts and energy making things better with your wife.

I am sure your wife would consider this cheating.

There a lot bad that will come of this.

How would you like it if your wife was correspending with HER high school seetheart? AND had thoughts of cheating on YOU.

[Questionguy]

Thanks for the help.

[Questionguy]

I was PM'ed on this and accidentally deleted it. I'm sorry, please resend the message. Thanks.

[camarolyn81]

Question guy - what ever happened with this situation? I'm having a similar problem... I'm just curious.

My situation is a little different, but quite frankly very similar. I am the one who ultimately contacted him... honestly I'm still very much so in love with him! He's single - I'm not - I miss him. I miss his friendship and company. I'd have to say your ex was probably feeling the same.

[cathosaurus]

I had a friend recently stumble upon her ex whom she had not spoken with for 13 years. Within 24 hours of speaking with him she commented to me that what they had 13 years ago was so powerful that she would consider leaving her husband and 9 year old son to be with him again. Of course, she didn't mean that and later retracted it, but at the time, when the contacted him, that is how she was feeling... the first response to your post was very well put. If you can both openly discuss your relationship with each other and your spouses, then I think it is healthy. Anything kept a secret, even with no bad intention, implies bad intention and could be potentially damaging to either your spouse or your kids...

[camarolyn81]

I agree! Personally, I've tried not to keep secrets from my husband. He gets so explosive when it comes to my ex-husband. I'm trying to have a decent relationship with my ex because we have a son together. The problem that I'm having is I'm trying to forget my ex husband and move on with my life... like your friend our relationship was so powerful and on point that after 14 years with my husband I've considered leaving him to go back to my ex. The problem is - I know inteligently that's not a wise decision... sometimes its just better to let sleeping dogs lye.

[camarolyn81]

I had a friend recently stumble upon her ex whom she had not spoken with for 13 years. Within 24 hours of speaking with him she commented to me that what they had 13 years ago was so powerful that she would consider leaving her husband and 9 year old son to be with him again. Of course, she didn't mean that and later retracted it, but at the time, when the contacted him, that is how she was feeling..... the first response to your post was very well put. If you can both openly discuss your relationship with each other and your spouses, then I think it is healthy. Anything kept a secret, even with no bad intention, implies bad intention and could be potentially damaging to either your spouse or your kids....

Let me ask you this - do you think it's worth risking what you've come to know and love for what could be a fleeting affair? Personally, I don't think so and that's what keeps me in check, but it can be quite painful and a hard pill to swallow!

[EuRa]

Anything you do that you don't want to tell your wife about, or you tell her and she doesn't agree with it, is a form of cheating.

[Questionguy]

Hey - sorry to be so long - I didn't know this thread was still going on. :)

Where are things now? It's been about three years later or so since I was first contacted. Right now we still email each other, maybe every other week or so. My wife doesn't know, which is not comfortable with me. I don't think her husband knows either. The relationship it's self is very friend-like. We talk about what our kids are doing (we both have toddler age kids), where we're up to, what out spouses are doing.. etc. I think I can safely say our conversations are on the up and up. This will sound strange, but once or twice in the past years I've tried to assert to things being more than a friendship... which she quickly corrected me. It's not that I want more... but wondering why she is still friends with me, testing the water I guess (I cheated on her after high school when I went to college and she was still a senior).

Looking back on it... I'm not really sure if I'd want to be contacted again, if I was able to go back three years. As much as things are platonic - I have to admit there's too much mental anguish with re-hashing things and thinking about "what could have been". I could easily see if the two of us had any weaknesses in our marriages that this could blow up into something else. I can totally see how that happens now reading about others.

The friendship we have now is pretty interesting for a few facts: The one we're in now has lasted longer than the actual time we dated in high school. Unlike high school, there's been no sex whatsoever. I'm actually surprised with myself to have as close as a relationship with a woman I admire, and is attractive, and sex has no part in it at all. I'm not trying to be a pig (or am one for that matter)... just being brutally honest.

Anyway - this kind of situation seems to be cropping up everywhere with friends I talk with. I've also been contacted by two other ex-girlfriends (those only resulted in a few polite emails back and forth). But the situation has the ability to be very hazardous. Anyone thinking of doing this be very careful about yourself and the person you are emailing.

[Jiser]

So tell us about the other ex's. Nice update as well. Its strange that we still hold on to feelings from years ago but I guess some of us never do deal with the past exactley how we want.

[Questionguy]

Strangely enough, one other girlfriend I dated for 7 years after the one above. We have emailed back and forth a few times, but nothing really has become of it, which I'm fine with. The second one was a previous high school girlfriend. She emailed me out of the blue. Turns out her husband passed away from cancer a few years ago and they had a baby daughter before he died. Our emails consisted of "what are you up to now" and then "great to hear from you". Neither ex effected me the way the first one has.

I do some media work for a religious group that travels around to high schools preaching on chastity. One demonstration they do is bring up one girl and five guys to the front of the room. They take out a piece of packing tape. The girl places the strip of tape on the first boys arm, then yanks it off. She goes to the next boy... and so on and so on. By the last boy, the tape doesn't stick at all and is covered with all kinds of hair and stuff from each boy's arm. The tape is suppose to symbolize bonding that happens during sex. All the stuff that sticks to is represents STDs, bad feelings, etc. It's a little strange demonstration, but pretty effective. After the first time I saw it, it hit home that's maybe why this high school ex and I stay in contact.

[LALA218]

I'm trying to figure out what's going on here.

Here's my situation: A year and a half ago my high school sweetheart emailed me out of the blue. I'm trying to figure out where things are going, good or bad, I'm often confused by the situation. Here's background: We dated for 2-3 years in high school, lost our virginity together. I went off to college, met someone else, broke up with her. She got married, has been for 11 years. I've been married for 6. She has 2 kids 1 & 4, I have one on the way. We have not spoke since I broke up with her (1989?), I'm 35 she's 34. She moved out of the area, but has moved back.

Since she emailed me out of the blue we have exchanged emails anywhere from everyday to once a month. The first few weeks were a bit rocky, we were working out things like why I cheated on her, healing old stuff..etc. Next we talked about telling our spouses we were communicating, ultimately, we decided not to. The past year has been talking about kid stuff, since were both going through life with newborns, spouse stuff, and just day-in day-out stuff. It has been nice and we get along quite well and see eye to eye on most things. It's been a nice friendship actually. Don't get me wrong, I am attracted to her, but I can't really see this turning into a affair. Also, her husband has made her a bit of a golf widow, and my wife is a workaholic. In the past months she has turned into a stay at home mom and I own my own business and work from home.

When we first started emailing each other we said "this is not anything, nothing more than two old friends catching up" We have not mentioned anything about our relationship since. At this point we have nicknames, and talk pretty frank about most things going on in our lives. She wants to send a gift when my baby arrives, under an alias. I really felt weird about it, but she insisted and I said ok.

My question for you all (I'd love to hear from females)- What is this? Why did she email me 15 years later out of nowhere? Where is this leading? It's so stupid, but I feel a bit out of control. Thoughts?

It all dependz on how u feel but then
Again think of wut ur doing or are gana do carefully
Because u might hert otherz such as your kids or wife
But something that happened ages ago and stuff should stay in the
Past as i been told but.. if therez still connection go for
It but like im saying u guyz both have ur lifezs made up already
And itz better if you talk this out by yourself think of something good enough then make ur move.. lala* :] but i think u should just let it go continue ur life

[HelpingHand3]

Why did she email you? Obviously because you were on her mind. Why did you email her back? Because you were flattered to think you were still on her mind. Why is it still going on several years later? Because you both are stupid! It pumps up both of your egos to think that you are still fondly thought of by a past romantic interest. Where is it going? NOWHERE GOOD and you can count on that.

You are both setting up a very bad situation. One wrong move on the part of your spouses and you already have a shoulder to cry on -- instead of working at your marriages as all couples need to do and have to do from time to time, you already have Plan B in effect.

What you need to do, if you love and cherish your wife and your family - AND THE FAMILY IS WHAT REALLY MATTERS - THEY WILL ALWAYS EXIST EVEN IF THE WIFE DOESN'T - is tell her that you appreciate being in touch with her but that for the sake of your marriage and your children, that communications MUST end, and let that be it. If not, you are GUARANTEED a disaster. And the sad part about all of it is that the children get hurt and that relationship will probably go the very same place it did to begin with - NOWHERE!

[speakingthetrut]

I think life is richer with friends of the same and the opposite sex. This person knows you from a very young age and can relate to you in a different way than your wife. Why is it OK for women to have intimate friendships with other women, but not men. It's a tragic double-standard. Everyone knows men have 1 dimensional relationships with most of their other men, so I think it's great that you've found someone you can talk to who understands you, and can be your voice, your advocate.

You can draw whatever boundaries you want, you're an adult. Don't let these paranoid, overtly religious folks dissuade you from connecting with another human in an intimate way. Make your choices because you want to, not because of what others tell you to do!