[startover22]

SaraIII, sweet, it sure surprised me to hear about your sadness. I am sorry! How are you feeling today? Like others here have already said, you are a bautiful, smart, witty woman, you can get through this. Your being depends on it. All in all it will be about keeping her safe as well as yourself. I will support you as will so many others. I know you will be happy again. Hugs, Start

[jackie223]

Keep your head up, you will be fine you were smart enough to know that enough was enough, when we are young we feel like we NEED a man in our life to make it complete but sometimes it's the MEN in our lives that make us uncomplete,, thank GOD you were smart enough now to put a stop to it, trust me coming from me I am finally getting smart 19yrs and 4 kids later, I wish I would have felt this way 19yrs ago

Good luck your going to do great

[Tuscany]

Oh Sarai I am so sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time. But, you deserve to be treated with love and respect. You are a beautiful woman both inside and out, remember that as times get tough.

As for packing up his things. Wait to do that and first contact a good divorce lawyer that can help you with the next step. You do not want to do anything that might put you and your daughter in jeopardy of being together. I know that when my friend left her husband she needed to wait until separation papers were filed or he could come after her for taking their children. I am not sure if that is the same in every state, but please check first.

[kp2171]

...when i broke it off he sαid "see you just proved thαt you don't love me" αnd well i do but there is α dif. between loving someone αnd being their dish rαg...he wαs pissed sαying he wαs gonnα go do coke αnd hopefully wind up deαd<--- "emotionαl bullying"

Ungh. He's such a little boy here. Well... he's right about one thing, you don't love him enough to suffer needlessly, to choose emotional neglect, or to be so disrespected. I am all for telling people in a tough spot to take some time, to try to do the hard work to make it work.

The first two years of a marriage, and with a child, are NOT easy. The honeymoon period can be a myth. Yes, there are a lot of exciting "news" but there is also the work needed to make it all work out.

Marriage isn't broken, no matter how high the divorce rate. It's the people. Marriage forces people to face their own shortcomings and the shortcomings of your mate. Your guy doesn't seem to be willing to face himself. He's not seeking counseling. He's taking the easy way out... making it "your fault" cause you left him... you "didnt love him"...

That's just blame shifting. Chasing shadows. He's trying to make you out to be the bad person. He's trying not to bear the burden of knowing he left the marriage first by not engaging.

I know a close relative who did this. One year now, after his marriage tanked and he was divorced, he is still talking smack like this. And the sad thing is, he sounds like he's trying so hard to believe it... and he STILL doesn't seem to get how many, many ways he left his marriage before she threw down the hammer.

His wife NEVER wanted to be with any other man. She wanted to love him and be with him for as long as she was on this earth. But there is a point when you see the other person isn't engaged. That his actions are hurting you. And when it starts to hurt your child, that's when it becomes bigger than you. That's when you take a stand, if not sooner.

Now... a year after their divorce... she is in a new townhome, she is starting a new career, her children are in a more stable environment than before, and I think she's really turned a corner.

And she still loves him on some level. But I think every time she sees him now she's reminded of how he was never there in the marriage... and it took her several years to figure out that he was NEVER going to be there.

he's wondering if i hαve αnyone else-- he sαid "if you hαve αnyone else on the side thαts just nαsty-- hαve α greαt F--ing life..go αheαd αnd "f" αround... it goes on to being more vulgαr..

More of the same. If he convinces himself you MUST be seeing another person then, again, you are the one who left the marriage. At some point, when you do decide to explore relationships again (which you know is NOT the thing to do now... you need to focus on yourself and let yourself grieve through this) he will likely keep up this noise.

If he were to actually believe you left him, and not for anyone else, that means you left HIM. That it was all about him. Not your sneaking. Not your being unfaithful. Hed have to admit that he wasn't up to par. Much easier to tell himself that you must be sneaking out.

Some opt for separation first. Some go right toward divorce. Child support can be an issue here.

Don't know ANYTHING about this, so I hate to recommend a site without knowing its validity... but here's something I found... might be a good start. You'll obviously want to validate info. Also... not a bad idea to talk to someone you know who has been through it...

Free information about divorce in Canada - General

Keep your chin up.

[saraispiel19]

Thαnkyou so much guys-- you've been α greαt support teαm

Kp thαnks for the αdvice everything you sαy mαkes sense it's cleαr αnd I like how you put in "α guys prespective" thαnks α bunch

-- todαy me αnd my husbαnd αre supposed to "tαlk"

I'll keep you guys posted on whαt hαppens -- wish me luck..

Ps I'll try my hαrdest not to cαve in..

[nauticalstar420]

thαnkyou so much guys-- you've been α greαt support teαm

kp thαnks for the αdvice everything you sαy mαkes sense it's cleαr αnd i like how you put in "α guys prespective" thαnks α bunch

-- todαy me αnd my husbαnd αre supposed to "tαlk"

i'll keep you guys posted on whαt hαppens -- wish me luck..

ps i'll try my hαrdest not to cαve in..

Good luck! :)

[startover22]

Good luck sweet, no caves... we can forget all about those, OK?

[saraispiel19]

Whαt if he sαys he's willing to do counciling-- whαt do I sαy.. Do I go with seperαtion or go through counciling αnd αt home αct like nothing hαppened?

[startover22]

whαt if he sαys he's willing to do counciling-- whαt do i sαy.. do i go with seperαtion or go through counciling αnd αt home αct like nothing hαppened??

What do you want him to do, that is the one thing before he arrives that you need to ask yourself sweet...

[saraispiel19]

i don't know

[nauticalstar420]

Do you want to stay with him and try to work it out? If so, I would go to counseling with him if he wants to go.

If you are physically and emotionally drained and just want out, do whatever you need to do. :)

[saraispiel19]

I'm lost... completely

[nauticalstar420]

Don't make a decision either way until after your talk. You should have a chance give each other your sides of the story and hear eachother's point of views and what you're willing to do before you make a decision.

After everything is out in the open, then go from there.

[MimiGirl]

I know the feeling that your passing through cause I past through something similar with my ex husband.. it was actually this year on feb. when I decided to put an end to all the misery.. we too would have a lot of arguments-but in my case his family would be more involved in our arguments and life(especially his mother).. I spend 2 years married to him and his mother (cause that's how it felt like) and it was a horrible experience.. I of course got use to having him around so when I decided that enough was enough it was also very hard @ 1st for me-especially those 1st few nights without having someone next to me.. in my case also, I wasn't in love with him-i guess it was just a fling at first and I thought it was love but then I realized it really wasn't.. anyway that first month and also second I had the urge to call him back and tell him to return but I knew that if I did that I would again suffer and feel depressed and that was not how I wanted to spend the rest of my life like.. so with the help of my family and friends even though it was extremely hard I moved on and I am so much happier now.. iam glade that I made that choice and sticked to it- I wanted my life to change and it did tremendously-
my point here is that life is way too short to be with someone who will treat you unfairly and unhappy.. remember that you are worth more than that, you deserve better.. even though it'll be hard at first I promise you that it will pass-just give it time and you will heal..
I hope that this kind of helps a bit with your situation and also hope that everything goes well in your life as it did on mine..
take much care and remember to hold on you'll smile again... =0)

[saraispiel19]

I think I'm fine with both-- either wαy... something cαme over me todαy.. Like:
"who cαres-- if he wαnts to stαy αnd αctuαlly wαnts to mαke α chαnge [ α reαl one thα'll be hαrd hαrd work] thαts greαt I love him we'll work it out-- but if he wαnts to go I'm down with thαt too.. I love him still but I cαn't mαke him stαy.. I'll move on grow.. lαter on in life I'll be reαdy for αnother relαtionship he'll love me the right wαy becαuse I won't fαll for αnother "mistαke"... or he might come bαck αnd reαlize he mαde αn error.. who knows whαtever hαppens hαppens αs long αs little shαylα is sαfe, fed αnd heαlthy.. "

[shygrneyzs]

Hi Sarai and my heart goes out to you. Sorry I did not see this earlier. I think you have the right mind-set about if he comes back and really wants to work (and work hard) at the marriage, then have a go at it. If he does not want to come back, then it is HIS loss, not yours. He is the one who is missing out on a great wife and mother to his child. Some men are just so ********** (fill in whatever works).

Love the picture of Shayla - she is a sweetheart. What a smile! I cannot see how you could do anything more or different or better. Having gone through the post partum depression, twice, I know you have undergone some tremendous changes. But you keep working on getting better. You have it in you to do whatever your heart desires. Just look at the Gazelle and think of how dedicated you were to losing the post baby weight. You're a great Mom. You love Shayla, now love yourself enough to accept nothing but the best for you and her.

All my thoughts and prayers for you, Sarai. Hugsssssss.

[saraispiel19]

All my thoughts and prayers for you, Sarai. Hugsssssss.

Thαnkyou so much shyngrneyzs --- by the wαy is your nαme supposed to be shy αnd green eyes?.

[shygrneyzs]

Yep. Although those who know me well, say I am not the least bit shy. Lol

[lacuran8626]

Not to be overly simplistic, but nothing worth having is easy to get and what you are getting is rough. You are getting yourself back, your right to feel good, be happy, have some autonomy, be respected and set the bar for how you will be treated. It hurts to cut ties with what you are used to, even when it's good for you. Doing what's good for us is often really uncomfortable, and requires a lot of discomfort and pain (think about how hard it is for us to stick to excercising and eating right, for example!)

You made a really good decision, and you just have to walk through the debris field from the final battle and have faith. It will get better. You don't yet know what will be next, and that's a very unsettling feeling. We like to feel safe, directed and in control and when things are just an open road ahead, and what we did last was a disaster, it's hard to be positive or feel hopeful. Just hang on. This will pass and things will turn around for you.

Focus on doing one thing every day to make yourself ready for the life you want, whether it's putting $10 in a savings account, working on your appearance, organizing a social get together with your friends (so you aren't home feeling sad), reaching out to someone you need to mend fences with (NOT THE HUSBAND UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!), reconnecting with your parents, organizing a closet, paying off a debt, signing up for a class, applying for a better paying job - whatever you can do. If you focus on coming up with one thing you have to do every day to move toward the life you want, you will soon forget your troubles as you'll have a positive focus, and will be moving in the right direction.

[JoeCanada76]

Sarai, I am sorry to hear that your going through this right now. I hope that everything works out for the best for you and your little one. That is what is most important. You do not need somebody treating you that way. About the counseling, usually recommend it. It is up to you what you think is best.

The picture of your little one smiling just think of her and how important she is in your life.

My prayers are also with you and am so happy that you have so much support here.