[Michelle0410]

Okay obviously there is a simple answer to this question but I need the encouragement that goes with it. My ex was court ordered to pay a monthly child support, its kind of high but for two reason's: a. he makes almost 5000 dollars a month and b. Hes never hom and I take care of our little girl 24/7 trust me that doesn't bother me one single bit. It hurts me bad enough when he's home and I have to send her with him for a couple of hours. He has seen our little girl maybe five times since she's been born, she's almost five months old. Okay well even though its been court ordered we talked about it and agreed that he would help me out on daycare and if I needed anyhting else I would call. Well now bills are coming in and it's starting to get a little bit harder, our little girl is out growing everything eating more, mom's know what I am talking about. Well when trying to talk to him about it he got very upset and was like if I pay you this amount of money what are you paying for? I didn't have an argument to go with it. I do not want to be one of those women that try to take the ex for all he has, I am not like that at all. Because he's never home I haven't had a chance to finish school, I have a 9-5 job I go to everyday so I can have my daughter on a reliable routine. I worked a t a rest/bar while I was in school making almost three times a month that I make now, I can't work there now because I would be away from my little girl way too much and I don't want to be that kind of mom. How do I explain to him that it isn't fair that I don't have a shot at making more money by myself, with him gone all the time, I can't rely on our parents all the time, it isn't fair to them. And that his child support will be for our little girl, because my car payment, insurance, her food, clothes, diapers, wipes, toys, everything can't be paid for with him just helping me with her daycare...

I need an answer other than take him back to court, because that's the last route I want to go again... Thanks

[tawnynkids]

You may never get him to understand. That seems to be one of the hardest things to get a non custodial parent to understand. There is 100% physical care of a child and 100% financial care. Fact is the more physical care one parent provides the more financial care the other parent needs to provide. It balances. The more time the child spends with a parent the more financial resources that parent needs to provide the child with. The more time the non custodial parent spends with the child the less child support is paid because the financial resources are reserved for that time the child spends with that parent. Those financial resources are for basic living expenses, anything over that, such as day care and out of pocket medical/dental expenses etc. is expected to be split equally between the parents.

Fact is though, you don't need to answer for it. It is carefully calculated by the state based on each of your incomes and the time each of you spends with the child. It rarely seems fair to the higher earning parent or parent with less physical time with the child. You aren't "sucking him dry" or "trying to take him for all he's worth" you are simply asking for what your child has a right to and is fair according to your state guidelines. Even if you wanted to "milk him" you really couldn't get more than the state says your child has a right to. It isn't likely he is ever going to really like that. If you had to literally pull out your daughters share of all the household bills/expenses and or pay someone for each service needed to provide for your child the child support rarely really covers even half of the total cost.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes you will need to sit down and figure how much you can earn, what classes may be possible on line even to increase your education, And then look at the court ordered child support. ( and don't even expect it to be on time after a year or so after he gets a new girl friend or gets remarried.

And expect him to even go back to court at some point asking to pay less because of various reasons.

It is time to understand that you will have to work, and that you will have to learn to live on that income plus the court ordered support

[macksmom]

So am I right in reading that he is not paying the "court ordered" child support, and only helping you with daycare?

If so... I know you don't want to hear it... but going to court is the only way to get the financial support you need for your child. If he is not paying the amount ordered for child support then you let him get off easy, and he knows it, so of course he is not going to try and help out. Especially if he knows you aren't going to take him back to court.

As Tawny said... child support is a simple formual simply based on your income and his. Nothing else plays factor. My daughters dad said he couldn't pay the amount the court said because he had a car payment, rent, and medical bills... the courts explained that supporting his child comes first and everything else comes last.

If you are wanting to get back to school, and/or a better job but can't because he doesn't care for the child, unfortunatey again I have to say go to court and have visitation set. I know you don't want to go back to court, but its obvious nothing is being done on his part to help on his own.

I would tell him that too... maybe that would put a flame under his butt to help out.

I know what you are going through... I'm 25 and have a 5 1/2 year old little girl... and her father stopped seeing her when she was about 14 months old, and didn't see her again until a few months ago. There were many times child support wasn't paid because he would "job hop"... I had to work 2 jobs, and take night and weekend classes at school. Unfortunately it may be something you have to do. I know its hard to be away from your baby, but sometimes you have to do it.

Good luck!

[Michelle0410]

Thanks so much, I would do whatever I have to make sure my little girl has everything she needs, I talked to him a little bit last night and it got no where, as for having visitaions set, he is on the road, he's home maybe a week every three months. I am looking into night classes right now, I have a good job I really do I just want a better job. I guess Im really wishing things were easier, welcome to motherhood right =) I love it though... She's my life I just wish her dad felt the same and was more willing...

[macksmom]

With the help of my mom, I was able to waitess/bartend during the day and weekends, and take classes at night. I know how you feel, it was really rough... I broke down when my mom called me while I was at work one weekend night and told me my daughter had took her first steps, and the time she called and said my daughter had gone potty all by herself for the first time. It really is rough, but you have to keep reminding yourself, you are doing this for her... you are bettering your life and getting a good education to give her everything she needs. After you get used to it, it actually is very fullfulling and you feel enpowered to know you did it on your own... without his help. You become a stronger person for it, and for your daughter.

It killed me when I heard through the grapevine that he dad had another kid (lil boy) and actually saw that child... I would always think, "whats different that he see that child, and not mine?" "was it because it was a lil boy, and I have a lil girl?"... you will ask yourself a million questions, and wonder why. But you just need to let him come to it on his own, you can't force him into wanting a father-daughter relationship. I know it sucks, it really does. When my daughter started preschool, she saw moms AND dads coming to get the other kids, and would ask me where her daddy was... the only thing I could think of was to tell her he lived far away, but he loved her, it was just that he lived far away (he lived like 10mins away). There was one time she was playing with one of her imaginary frineds (heehee) and I asked who it was, and she said "oh I'm playing with my pretend daddy"... its heartbreaking. But there will come a time when he grows up. It took my daughters dad almost 5 years... but I see the hurt in his eyes, when he realizes just how much he missed.

Just love her enough for you AND him. If you don't want to take him back to court, which I ended up stopping too, you need to be ready to do it all on your own... its hard, but you can do it :)

[Michelle0410]

Wow, reading that almost brought tears to my eyes. I understand everything you had went through, well I am beginning to understand. Every now and then we are on the same page, but we are both young I have no choice but to grow, he on the other hand doesn't have to, and it's not place to have to force him. I want to go back to working at the restaraunt/bar I used to work at and go back to school, but I don't think I can stand being away from Maddie like that, it'll just be really hard... I am looking at clases online right now, I know if I don't hurry and do it, I may never finish.

thanks for your advice and your story, it meant allot to me, you're an awesome person and I bet your little girl is as prescious as can be, she has a great mommy! =)

[macksmom]

No problem honey... you just seem to be heading down the same path I did :) But you can do it, it's tough, and some days will be harder than others, but don't give up!