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    Picassa's Avatar
    Picassa Posts: 42, Reputation: 6
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    #1

    Sep 4, 2007, 05:47 PM
    Treading lightly around future daughter in law.
    Our future daughter in law appears to be having some trouble with addressing invitations correctly, i.e. using official titles, and including spouses. The invitations also contained several of those store cards for gift registries. Because I am just the stepmom of her future husband and have not had any part of the planning of the wedding (though we are paying for a large portion) I feel like I shouldn't say anything. It's embarrassing to hear that our friends are receiving incorrectly addressed invitations, but isn't it up to her mother to assist her in this?

    Incidentally, we received a shower invitation from the bride with her own return address. Apparently her mother is hosting the event. I'm mortified that some of our friends may have received invitations to this self-hosted event as well.

    Is there anything that can be done in a subtle manner to avoid further embarrassment, or should I just let it go for the sake of the future relationship?:confused:
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #2

    Sep 4, 2007, 05:54 PM
    I feel your pain.

    I experienced a bit of this when I got engaged. My future mil started planning bridal showers that she planned to host and have at her house. I tried to tell her the "rules," but she walked right over me by naming her daughters as hosts.

    Since you are "only" the groom's step-mom whose money (not opinion) is what matters, do what I did--bite your tongue.

    Of course, this is only the tip of the etiquette iceberg, you realize. Baby showers, funerals, and family parties are still ahead. Brace yourself.
    danielnoahsmommy's Avatar
    danielnoahsmommy Posts: 2,506, Reputation: 297
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    #3

    Sep 4, 2007, 06:07 PM
    She sounds a bit tackey
    GlindaofOz's Avatar
    GlindaofOz Posts: 2,334, Reputation: 354
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    #4

    Sep 4, 2007, 06:11 PM
    It appears you have run into something all too common - an individual who was never taught proper etiquette and either does not know, does not care or is too lazy to find out the appropriate way to do things.

    It is hard to bite your tongue but I suggest it's the best thing you can do. My best friend is getting married and she has no clue on how to do any of this so I just suggested she take a back seat and let "us" (meaning her mother and I - I'm the MOH) deal with showers, etc. She finally just hired a planner who handled invites, etc.

    Some have no sense that they have no sense of etiquette.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #5

    Sep 4, 2007, 06:24 PM
    Buy her an etiquette book (Miss Manners or Emily Post?) as a shower gift?
    davimarti's Avatar
    davimarti Posts: 17, Reputation: 4
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    #6

    Sep 4, 2007, 06:28 PM
    It seems that for whatever reason each generation appears to have less emphasis on etiquette. Unless you are expecting the Queen , I wouldn't let it concern me. If I was you, I would focus more on developing a solid relationship with my step daughter-in-law and turn a blind eye to what you perceive are bad manners.
    Picassa's Avatar
    Picassa Posts: 42, Reputation: 6
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    #7

    Sep 4, 2007, 07:41 PM
    Thanks so much for the suggestions. Just as I thought, I will be biting my tongue! I appreciate the wisdom and experience everyone has shared. Manners are important to me, and I value the use of social conventions and common courtesies. I'm sad that some customs have fallen away in favor of just doing what's quick or easy.

    I had wondered about the etiquette book as a shower gift, but I've chickened out since other mannered friends would be there watching her open gifts (who have remarked about the issue). It seems like the wrong idea. I don't want to hurt her or embarrass her.
    LearningAsIGo's Avatar
    LearningAsIGo Posts: 2,653, Reputation: 350
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    #8

    Sep 5, 2007, 07:44 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Picassa
    Thanks so much for the suggestions. Just as I thought, I will be biting my tongue! I appreciate the wisdom and experience everyone has shared. Manners are important to me, and I value the use of social conventions and common courtesies. I'm sad that some customs have fallen away in favor of just doing what's quick or easy.

    I had wondered about the etiquette book as a shower gift, but I've chickened out since other mannered friends would be there watching her open gifts (who have remarked about the issue). It seems like the wrong idea. I don't want to hurt her or embarrass her.
    If you were my mother-in-law I would be quite happy that you held your tongue. I agree with you... I believe proper invitations should be made, but its best to preserve your future relationship. After all, its she that will leave a bad impression, not you. :)
    excon's Avatar
    excon Posts: 21,482, Reputation: 2992
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    #9

    Sep 5, 2007, 07:56 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by davimarti
    It seems that for whatever reason each generation appears to have less emphasis on etiquette. Unless you are expecting the Queen , I wouldn't let it concern me. If I was you, I would focus more on developing a solid relationship with my step daughter-in-law and turn a blind eye to what you perceive are bad manners.
    Hello P:

    I had to spread it around, but I wanted to say that I think the above advice is very perceptive and very sound.

    The world is changing - not necessarily better in my view, but many of the ideas I hold about how people should behave toward one another, aren't in vogue these days. I can rail about it and be a crabby old man. I knew some of them when I was younger and I DON'T want to be that! So, I bite my tongue and look beyond it. I've found some pretty good people too.

    excon
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #10

    Sep 5, 2007, 09:54 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by excon
    So, I bite my tongue and look beyond it.
    I have to spread it around too... Definitely developing a good relationship lands on the list above etiquette. Maybe P will get a chance now and then to advise this girl on etiquette and re other things.
    Picassa's Avatar
    Picassa Posts: 42, Reputation: 6
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    #11

    Sep 5, 2007, 11:04 AM
    Yes you are right. My gut tells me to lay low, and it sounds like from your experiences that's the best course to take at this point. DH and I just write the checks. SS and future DIL live about 2 hours away and when they are in town, they don't visit us unless they need something. This has never bothered us before, but now that our friends are being invited to the wedding and are also expected to generously donate to their future, it's a point of embarrassment. You should see the gift registry - mostly large furniture pieces and $200.00 appliances.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #12

    Sep 5, 2007, 11:14 AM
    At least the couple will not be including with each wedding invitation a deposit slip from their joint bank account "in lieu of gifts". Dear Abby is full of examples like that. Or having a "destination wedding" on Tierra del Fuego or some ridiculously distant site that will cost the guests an arm and a leg to attend.

    Count your blessings. It could be worse! Your friends won't blame you for something beyond your control.
    cozyk's Avatar
    cozyk Posts: 802, Reputation: 125
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    #13

    Oct 17, 2008, 11:26 PM

    Instead of an etiquette book, buy a wedding planner book that just happens to have etiquette in it. Just give it to her as a nice gesture, not a shower gift. Offer to help her with her invitations, or thank-you notes , etc and throw in some etiquette lessons on the sly.
    davimarti's Avatar
    davimarti Posts: 17, Reputation: 4
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    #14

    Oct 18, 2008, 02:54 AM
    #13
    cozyk
    Full Member



    Join Date: Jan 2008
    Posts: 212
    Instead of an etiquette book, buy a wedding planner book that just happens to have etiquette in it. Just give it to her as a nice gesture, not a shower gift. Offer to help her with her invitations, or thank-you notes , etc and throw in some etiquette lessons on the sly.

    Good advice... wonder how the wedding turned out?
    GeekerGirl86's Avatar
    GeekerGirl86 Posts: 19, Reputation: 3
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    #15

    Dec 11, 2008, 11:08 AM

    Ask if you can help with the invitations. Don't say why or anything.. Just offer help as a good furture MIL.. Step or not your still part of her fiancés life and she should be grateful for ANY additional help she can get.. But I wouldn't recommend flat out offering corrections.
    Starbucks21's Avatar
    Starbucks21 Posts: 282, Reputation: 23
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    #16

    Dec 11, 2008, 11:23 AM

    I'd lay a little low. To avoid further problems talk to her mother because the entire thing sounds like a miscommunication. Just offer to help on a few things. It does sound a little tacky... but she probably just doesn't know what she's doing because she's never planned a wedding before
    Picassa's Avatar
    Picassa Posts: 42, Reputation: 6
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    #17

    Dec 11, 2008, 12:03 PM

    Well here's a post script. They were married last fall. The ceremony was lovely. We've seen them twice since they were married. Once, when they came to pick up their gifts after Christmas, and another time at another son's wedding. All other family events they have been too busy to attend.
    DIL didn't write any of the wedding thank you notes. I offered to help, but that responsibility fell to my stepson. Fortunately, he is very good at writing, and did a great job.

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