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chicago95 · Aug 31, 2007, 10:03 PM

8 threads merged together for the full story

I recently discovered my ex girlfriend of 4 years in college/grad school is now married. I had always wanted to call her and reconnect but never did as I was the one that ended the relationship. I always thought she'd be available and I'd be able to win her back. It's been 5 years since we broke up. I have dated other girls and still she's always on my mind. She was everything I wanted and I blew it. She was smart, cute, and funny and had a great family. In short, I am convinced she was "The One" for me and I let her get away. Now, I have found her number and feel I have to call her in hopes of salvaging a "friendship" out of a relationship I ruined. Too many things have not been said that should've. Maybe I can't change the fact that she's married but I feel I have to let her know how I'm feeling and have felt.

Thoughts?

How long until song/pictures, etc. don't bring up vivid memories of us together. So painful, so sad, so full of regret.

chicago95 · Sep 1, 2007, 07:37 AM

I recently discovered my ex girlfriend of 4 years in college/grad school is now married. I had always wanted to call her and reconnect but never did as I was the one that ended the relationship. I always thought she'd be available and I'd be able to win her back. It's been 5 years since we broke up. I have dated other girls and still she's always on my mind. She was everything I wanted and I blew it. She was smart, cute, and funny and had a great family. In short, I am convinced she was "The One" for me and I let her get away. Now, I have found her number and feel I have to call her in hopes of salvaging a "friendship" out of a relationship I ruined. Too many things have not been said that should've. Maybe I can't change the fact that she's married but I feel I have to let her know how I'm feeling and have felt.

Thoughts?

How long until song/pictures, etc. don't bring up vivid memories of us together. So painful, so sad, so full of regret.

diya · Sep 1, 2007, 08:48 AM

I can understand your pain and desire to be her friend... which you may give a shot at. One should do what he or she wants to do at least once... so if you die today, no desires should be left undone. So see for yourself if she is willing to be your friend but if she doesn't then accept and don't look back. This is life and you need to take each day as it comes... live it because you live it just once! any clearer...

bushg · Sep 1, 2007, 08:54 AM

My thoughts are you let this relationship go for a reason. If she was so great then would you have really ended it? Often time clouds our memory of what was real, maybe you have just forgotten what made you break it off in the first place or time just makes your differences seem not as important. You may just be suffering from hurt pride, that she got married before you did. I say don't contact her ex's are ex's for a reason. On the other hand if you happen to see her and say hello, fine, but I would leave it at that.

Numb · Sep 1, 2007, 09:15 AM

You didn't mention why you dumped her.. if it was for the same reasons that people in here get dunped for (there are no clear reasons), then I'd shoot you if I was in her place.
And if you dumped her because she wasn't worth it, then I wonder why you'd want to contact her after 5 years? The only reason would be is that you got "jealous" in some way and it's a bit selfish if you ask me.

Again, just my insight based on the little things you mentioned.

JoeCanada76 · Sep 1, 2007, 11:08 AM

My thoughts are that the past should be left in the past. It did not work out for a reason and if she was truly the one for you, you would actually be with her right now. The thing is we all move on and experience different situations. This is a time that you need to throw that number a way and leave it in the past. Both of you went in different directions and you need to realize that it was not meant to be. After 5 years, to actually come into somebody else's life will just cause more turmoil.

Joe

s_cianci · Sep 1, 2007, 11:23 AM

As Numb suggested, it's not likely that she'd appreciate you contacting her now. And neither will her husband. Just let it go.

Illusion · Sep 1, 2007, 11:40 AM

It sounds like you are beating yourself up and not really being honest with yourself. You and your ex-girlfriend broke up 5 years ago and now she is married. You ended the relationship.

If you ended the relationship then there must have been reasons you felt she was not right for you. There must have been things or something that happened that you felt were not for you. Otherwise you would not have ended it at all. You would have stayed with her. Somehow you are blocking out the reasons you left and now discounting it. But the reasons you broke up were valid reasons.

If she was everything you wanted you would not have left. You would have known then and there that this was it.

Now listen, if you ran because you got scared and the relationship was moving on to a marriage - and you didn't want that - and so you left - then it was still a valid reason why you left. There is something here that you are not acknowledging to yourself about this relationship. Because had you really felt the connection and wanted her back you would have done it. Don't beat yourself up over this.

Yes, perhaps you regret the relationship ended. Ok, that is normal. The sadness that it was over. You have good memories to live by. Had it been right it would have gone on and you would have stayed together. Move on at this point. There will be another one for you and when the time is right you'll have your wedding day. Take care.

talaniman · Sep 2, 2007, 04:26 PM

Get over it, after all this time, and leave her alone. You blew it years ago, so let it go now.

AandZ4ever · Sep 2, 2007, 07:41 PM

I am only 15 and have loved my friends ex since 6th grade. I know how you feel. But you have to let fate take control if it was meant to be then it WILL happen but if not there are plenty of fishes in the sea (wow that rythmes!) haha sorry but leave her alone for now she is happy and married you would regret it if you tried to come between them because she obviously loves him. How would you feel if you were him? Lol hope I helped ansner my q's lol thanks

chicago95 · Oct 3, 2007, 05:39 PM

A few weeks I posted on hear and got some good feedback. A bit of background first. I regrettably ended a relationship with a girl I had dated for 4 years in college and graduate school. To make a long story short, I pushed her away for thoughtless and shallow reasons and destroyed what could've been a great marriage. I'm certain she was THE ONE and always will be. Problem is I contacted her after about 5 years after we finished grad. Schools in different cities. I regrettably found out she's married for about 4 years. My world fell apart after this news. If I had contacted her earlier, I know things would be different. I had always wanted to and she was always on my mind but never felt she wanted to ever hear from me again. I had to contact her and ever since we have talked for hours late at night while her husband heads off to bed. She says she's happily married. Our e-mails have helped heal old wounds and she and I e-mail frequently. So much to catch up on. So much pain. Is there is any chance to think of us ever getting back togetherr? (Her husband's almost 13 years older than her, and I think I could take him in every aspect of life) She would like to meet up again in person. Yet she wants to understandably run the husband first. I know he'll agree, but seems to me that there is some small glimmer of hope of winning her back if she routinely e-mails me and takes my calls. It was her and I way before him. This shouldn't've happened. Thoughts? Never been in this situation, never thought I would be. Always have been able to correct for a mistake. This is the biggest mistake of my life. :(

ConfusedandLost · Oct 3, 2007, 08:00 PM

You have to stop beating yourself up over this. If she was THE ONE the cards would have fell in place a long time ago. As the saying goes "if it was mean't to be it will be". You never contacted her in the past for a reason...

As for trying to win her back... you are absolutely crazy for even thinking of such a thing. She is very happy in her marriage for the past 4 years. You are about to embark on a mission to convince her to love you more than her husband and leave him. Would you want that done to you if you were in his situation? That is just the wrong way to enter this...

I would take this as a beginning of a renewed friendship and nothing more. From what I can tell she has not thrown out any signals as to wanting more. What happens if your plan does not work and you destroyed a perfectly good marriage and lost her as a friend? Think about this first long and hard... you think this was a mistake by letting her go... you are about to make an even BIGGER one by pursuing her...

madaman · Oct 3, 2007, 08:02 PM

No offense, but I think this situation is the dream of a lot of people who have been dumped. To move on, find someone else you love and the other person regretting it and coming back once its too late. Personally I think you had your chance, she's married now and you should just be friends (if that's possible).

GlindaofOz · Oct 3, 2007, 08:10 PM

I think you are fixating on this girl because its easier then moving on.

She is happy and married and has moved on. I think you need to leave her alone because its not healthy for you. You need to close the book on this relationship and move on. If she was supposed to be your wife she would be your wife. Accept that. Saying you lost her and now there will be no one else is ridiculous. If you keep fixating on her and keep saying you will never love again you won't because it's a self fulfilling prophecy.

Its been a LOOOOOOOOOONG time. Not to sound harsh but get over it. Its not going to happen. Move forward in your life and find someone who is available for you to love and want to be your wife.

nkychic · Oct 3, 2007, 09:00 PM

I agree with all of the below. Any form of a relationship with this girl (even phone/e-mail) is not healthy for either of you, ESPECIALLY for you! Things and people are in the past for a reason. I think like Glinda said, you need to close the book on this relationship. This chapter of your life is over. Now you need to move forward. If you keep moving back, then you will get nothing out of love and life than heartbreak. Cut your losses and move on, she has. Leave the past in the past and build your future. She's married and happy, don't you want happiness for her? If so, she's got that. Now you go find your happiness.
Good luck hon and keep us updated!

<3
Leslie

chicago95 · Oct 4, 2007, 08:05 AM

Originally Posted by chicago95

A few weeks I posted on hear and got some good feedback. A bit of background first. I regrettably ended a relationship with a girl I had dated for 4 years in college and graduate school. To make a long story short, I pushed her away for thoughtless and shallow reasons and destroyed what could've been a great marriage. I'm certain she was THE ONE and always will be. Problem is I contacted her after about 5 years after we finished grad. schools in different cities. I regrettably found out she's married for about 4 years. My world fell apart after this news. If I had contacted her earlier, I know things would be different. I had always wanted to and she was always on my mind but never felt she wanted to ever hear from me again. I had to contact her and ever since we have talked for hours late at night while her husband heads off to bed. She says she's happily married. Our e-mails have helped heal old wounds and she and I e-mail frequently. So much to catch up on. So much pain. Is there is any chance to think of us ever getting back togetherr? (Her husband's almost 13 years older than her, and I think I could take him in every aspect of life) She would like to meet up again in person. Yet she wants to understandably run the husband first. I know he'll agree, but seems to me that there is some small glimmer of hope of winning her back if she routinely e-mails me and takes my calls. It was her and I way before him. This shouldn't've happened. Thoughts? Never been in this situation, never thought I would be. Always have been able to correct for a mistake. This is the biggest mistake of my life. :(

All right kind of new to this so going to try responding to the answers and see what transpires. First, you have some good points, but I've never believed in the "if it's meant to be, it will be" mantra. I made this relationship happen and it was astronomical from the first date. Both our families met and got along great. But, if I can screw it up, I will. Due to an uncertain future for me then, and a then clouded reasoning caused me to obsess about unimportant details (skin tone, religion, lack of exercise). Embarrassing and very petty huh? Deep down I knew these were shallow and unimportant... but wanted to think I could do better, though I knew she was the one for me. So, a great thing came my way and I destroyed it. We even talked about marriage--especially after 3 years of dating most of her and our friends thought it was a done deal. Maybe I was scared. So, how can one say it wasn't meant to be? I have found NO ONE like her since. Trying to move on but after 5 years of her always being on my mind and me chosing to not call her before she married is hard to deal with. It took me 4 years to finally listen my inner voice and alter academic fields for one I should've originally pursued. I fear this is the same case with my ex... however, she is no longer available.

Friendship is what I'm hoping for at least now. In a year or two, who knows. If she actually knows how I've always felt and things happen, they happen. All I know is that if this is affecting me after 5 years, it's a signal to me that I really goofed on reading the signs of life. Looking forward to meeting up with her again in a few weeks.

Thoughts?

GlindaofOz · Oct 4, 2007, 08:17 AM

You are just trying to rationalize your reasons for wanting to break up her marriage.

You had your chance and you messed it up she has moved on and is happy AND married. Its WAY too late and you need to leave her alone.

How would you feel if she was your wife and some ex-boyfriend popped back in the picture trying to woo her back?

You need to let it go. My guess is that you are obsessing on this girl because you believe that she held your happiness and that had you just married her everything in your life would've been great. You are deluding yourself. If you keep running after her what do you expect to accomplish? What you want her to leave her marriage to be with you? What if once you have her again you start doing the same things you did before or realize that you don't really want her just the idea of her? Have you done ANY therapy because you are obsessive about this woman and I think there is a lot more going on here then you are letting on.

ConfusedandLost · Oct 4, 2007, 08:43 AM

The past is the past, you are trying to fix what happened 4 years ago. Let it go and move on... the only thing that you should look towards is a friendship. To be quite honest I don't think you are quite ready for that either. Stop fixating on HER as a possible mate, you have a choice of the entire WORLD here... how many billions of people with a woman to man ratio of 3-1! Resolve whatever internal issues you have and go fishing... give up on her! She is happy with her life NOW, don't read into anything just because she agreed to meet with you!

You are chasing a DREAM that has been lost for some time now!

Nice1 · Oct 4, 2007, 08:53 AM

Originally Posted by chicago95

A few weeks I posted on hear and got some good feedback. A bit of background first. I regrettably ended a relationship with a girl I had dated for 4 years in college and graduate school. To make a long story short, I pushed her away for thoughtless and shallow reasons and destroyed what could've been a great marriage. I'm certain she was THE ONE and always will be. Problem is I contacted her after about 5 years after we finished grad. schools in different cities. I regrettably found out she's married for about 4 years. My world fell apart after this news. If I had contacted her earlier, I know things would be different. I had always wanted to and she was always on my mind but never felt she wanted to ever hear from me again. I had to contact her and ever since we have talked for hours late at night while her husband heads off to bed. She says she's happily married. Our e-mails have helped heal old wounds and she and I e-mail frequently. So much to catch up on. So much pain. Is there is any chance to think of us ever getting back togetherr? (Her husband's almost 13 years older than her, and I think I could take him in every aspect of life) She would like to meet up again in person. Yet she wants to understandably run the husband first. I know he'll agree, but seems to me that there is some small glimmer of hope of winning her back if she routinely e-mails me and takes my calls. It was her and I way before him. This shouldn't've happened. Thoughts? Never been in this situation, never thought I would be. Always have been able to correct for a mistake. This is the biggest mistake of my life. :(

Wow! I believe that she stills has feelings for you. I also believe that she has committed the biggest mistake of her life. The way it seems to me, she doesn't really love her husband. If you truly love your significant other, you will not be conversing with another individual. It doesn't matter what part of your life they took place in the past. the past is the past. She needs to look inside herself and ask herself the question of what it is she really wants. When things didn't work between the two of you guys, she found a comfortable place and stood there. We can go through that situation, that's the reason why there is so much divorce. Sometimes it takes us a while to find our soulmate. You guys might be soulmates. She needs to be a lady and if being with you is what she really wants. She needs to be sincere with her husband and end it. If she has kids with him, thinks become more difficult. When we put children in the middle, we can't always be selfish. Life is not anymore about us, but about our children. Our children are the ones that will suffer the consequences. Still and all, I believe that she needs to rethink herself and figure out what is the best decision. Playing the down low ordeal is not a decent thing to do. You will bound to cause a tragedy. You should tell her to really think if she wants you in her life. If she doesn't want you around, tell her that you will be a man about it and move on. If they have kids, you have to be the bigger person and think of those innocent ones. Sometimes when something is not meant to be, is not. If it didn't work then, maybe it is because that's the way things had to go. Else, I believe you must give her her space, if she ever solves her life to look for you. Good luck!

chicago95 · Oct 6, 2007, 06:32 PM

Originally Posted by chicago95

A few weeks I posted on hear and got some good feedback. A bit of background first. I regrettably ended a relationship with a girl I had dated for 4 years in college and graduate school. To make a long story short, I pushed her away for thoughtless and shallow reasons and destroyed what could've been a great marriage. I'm certain she was THE ONE and always will be. Problem is I contacted her after about 5 years after we finished grad. schools in different cities. I regrettably found out she's married for about 4 years. My world fell apart after this news. If I had contacted her earlier, I know things would be different. I had always wanted to and she was always on my mind but never felt she wanted to ever hear from me again. I had to contact her and ever since we have talked for hours late at night while her husband heads off to bed. She says she's happily married. Our e-mails have helped heal old wounds and she and I e-mail frequently. So much to catch up on. So much pain. Is there is any chance to think of us ever getting back togetherr? (Her husband's almost 13 years older than her, and I think I could take him in every aspect of life) She would like to meet up again in person. Yet she wants to understandably run the husband first. I know he'll agree, but seems to me that there is some small glimmer of hope of winning her back if she routinely e-mails me and takes my calls. It was her and I way before him. This shouldn't've happened. Thoughts? Never been in this situation, never thought I would be. Always have been able to correct for a mistake. This is the biggest mistake of my life. :(

Nice1 thanks for your thoughts. Kids are not in the picture and I don't think they ever will... a point we both agreed on when we dated. Friendship is definitely in the future, but I'm not sure how well it'd even work as every time I'd see her it'd be a constant reminder of what I had lost and can't have yet. I guess one good thing is that I know I'll never encounter so much agony and pain again in this life. Death, sickness? Bring it on, I can handle that. Granted there are other girls out there, but I have yet to see one who emobodies all the traits I loved about her. I received an e-mail from her about how she saw nothing hopeful in my last e-mails years ago about us and so maybe she did as you say find a comfortable place with a guy 10 years older than her and divorce could be in the future. I'd feel bad for the guy, but darn it, if she had called me earlier all of wouldn'tve had to go through this. Thoughts on why she didn't call me earlier? It takes to to tango. Maybe I already answered this in that she saw nothing hopeful in my e-mails a few years back but then again she was always the type of girl to wait for the guy to call her.