[confused26]

-We have been married for four years and I have a strong feeling that my husband could be gay... Here's Why 1. Early on in our relationship while pregnant with our first born I found a search topic stored on his computer called, "Gay Orgy bars," The person searching was looking for these bars in the town he lived in prior to meeting me and moving in with me (we met as roommates). I confronted him about it right away and his face turned bright red but he swore that it was not him he looked up that search but he blamed it on his ex-girlfriends friends. Well, I tried to believe him because I was pregnant and we had just gotten married and I was living the so called American Dream! But the cable bill came a few months later and he rented pornography without telling me while I was at work. I wouldn't even care that he was watching porn, but I still would like to know what kind of porn he was watching and why he lied about it, twice.
1. He is Not sexually interested unless I initiate sex. When we do have sex it's fast and quick and he is very selfish during sex, I also noticed he always has his eyes closed. When in the moment he has wanted to try anal sex with me, on more than one occasion.
2. Another thing that worries me is I have never seen him check out a girl nor does he comment about them. I often notice he talks about men a lot who have been nice to him or that he finds funny. He laughs and looks very excited anytime there is gay talk on TV. He is a good father to our two children but it is usually angry towards me and often verbally abusive and calls me stupid, he's admitted during fights that he is using me, hates me doesn't love me and just married me because I was pregnant. He sometimes apologizes for saying such things but then he has said those same things many, many times. No matter how good things are my husband is always miserable making me wonder even more that his underlying apologizes could be from living in the closet. I love him and this makes it even harder for me, I just want him to be happy? I talked to him recently about my feelings about the possibility of him being curious and I mentioned the search topic again, he got so ANGRY, but at the time he admitted while he was at a job for quite some time a man came on to him in the stockroom and touched him and another man at that same job asked him out on a date and he said no... He told me these stories support that he isn't gay otherwise he would have gone. My thought is why didn't he make it clear at his place of employment that he was straight if he is, and maybe those guys were feeling the vibes off him and that's why they felt comfortable enough to approach him and ask him out. It may be all lies... I just don't know, what do you think? I'm an attractive girl a good mother, I don't understand?

[smoothy]

-We have been married for four years and I have a strong feeling that my husband could be gay.......Here's Why 1. Early on in our relationship while pregnant with our first born I found a search topic stored on his computer called, "Gay Orgy bars," The person searching was looking for these bars in the town he lived in prior to meeting me and moving in with me (we met as roommates). I confronted him about it right away and his face turned bright red but he swore that it was not him he looked up that search but he blamed it on his ex-girlfriends friends. Well, I tried to believe him because I was pregnant and we had just gotten married and I was living the so called American Dream!! But the cable bill came a few months later and he rented pornography without telling me while I was at work. I wouldn't even care that he was watching porn, but I still would like to know what kind of porn he was watching and why he lied about it, twice.
1. He is Not sexually interested unless I initiate sex. When we do have sex it's fast and quick and he is very selfish during sex, I also noticed he always has his eyes closed. When in the moment he has wanted to try anal sex with me, on more than one occasion.

Anal sex a great, the wife and I both enjoy it so that in itself is not an issue. As far as eyes being closed. Some people are just like that, can't explain why, women as well. I'm an eyes open type myself. The part about not appearing interested in itself may mean something or not. There are medical as well as physical and mental reasons for that

2. Another thing that worries me is I have never seen him check out a girl nor does he comment about them. I often notice he talks about men alot who have been nice to him or that he finds funny. He laughs and looks very excited anytime there is gay talk on tv. He is a good father to our two children but it is usually angry towards me and often verbally abusive and calls me stupid, he's admitted during fights that he is using me, hates me doesn't love me and just married me because I was pregnant. He sometimes apologizes for saying such things but then he has said those same things many, many times. No matter how good things are my husband is always miserable making me wonder even more that his underlying apologizes could be from living in the closet. I love him and this makes it even harder for me, I just want him to be happy? I talked to him recently about my feelings about the possibility of him being curious and I mentioned the search topic again, he got so ANGRY, but at the time he admitted while he was at a job for quite some time a man came on to him in the stockroom and touched him and another man at that same job asked him out on a date and he said no....He told me these stories support that he isn't gay otherwise he would have gone. My thought is why didn't he make it clear at his place of employment that he was straight if he is, and maybe those guys were feeling the vibes off him and that's why they felt comfortable enough to approach him and ask him out. It may be all lies... I just don't know, what do you think? I'm an attractive girl a good mother, I don't understand?

He comes across as particularly arrogant from your descriptions. Don't take at face value anything said during the heat of an argument. Out of anger people frequently say things they don't mean.

Can't explain that search... but if other people have used that computer its always possible it wasn't him. Depending on how you presented the question it could be a defensive reflex. But most guys do check out other women, not all wife's are comfortable enough to let him comment on them, for example my wife usually sees them and comments before I am able to. But we have that sort of relationship where we can say nearly anything to each other. No its not a storybook marriage by any means. But we can still do that.

Gay comments are a bit troubling. I'm in my 40's, I know a few qay men, I can't say I've been come on to more than once that I recognized anyway. And I was clear to them without being rude and it wasn't repeated.

Personally I think the man has issues. On more than one level.

[cpalmist]

From the points you've posted, definitely bisexual. He the Dad of both your kids? You were unclear on that...
It sounds like an unhappy marriage but like most wimmens with kids, hate to fire the guy because of the financial support for self and the kids.

Best prepare self for worst as these things just seem to continue to escalate with time.

What a great time we live in! Men leaving marriages to go off with other men, wimmens leaving marriages to go off with other wimmens becoming more common - shocking in years past, Now getting to be ho-hum.

Best of luck - this is your life so do your best with it.

[confused26]

From the points you've posted, definitely bisexual. He the Dad of both your kids? You were unclear on that...
It sounds like an unhappy marriage but like most wimmens with kids, hate to fire the guy because of the financial support for self and the kids.

Best prepare self for worst as these things just seem to continue to escalate with time.

What a great time we live in! Men leaving marriages to go off with other men, wimmens leaving marriages to go off with other wimmens becoming more common - shocking in years past,. now getting to be ho-hum.

Best of luck - this is your life so do your best with it.

He is the father of both my kids who are 15 months apart, funny that we ended up pregnant for the small amount of sex we have

[gabra_123]

hate to say it but gay guys tend to be a bit more sensitive about randomly asking others out, they won't generally approach another guy unless they have been given reason to believe the other would be receptive to the idea. Depending on how he was raised, a good healthy dose of self loathing can make them want to hide it at any cost.

[americangayboy]

Whether he's gay, do you really want to be in a marriage with this guy? He seems like a jerk (this could be caused by the stress of living in the closet).

His interest in gay references, eagerness around men, the fact that more than one gay man has hit on him, and his disinterest in sex with women all point to being gay. None of these alone make him gay, but put together they make a compelling case.

Good luck with everything!

[GlindaofOz]

Do you want to be with someone who seems so, well disinterested?

There is no reason for anyone to ever live in a loveless marriage that has no passion or drive. If your husband is verbally abusive you have to ask yourself if you want your kids to be yelled at like that? Do you want your kids so suffer from low self esteem because their dad screams at them all the time.

To be honest. He is hiding something and I wouldn't be surprised if he was gay. Where are you guys from? That might help.

My dad is gay and he was extremely verbally abusive to my mother and us growing up. My mom told me that she knew he was gay and knew she should've left when we were little but she never did because she was afraid to be without a husband. Honestly, every day of my life I wish my mom left when we were babies just because of the abuse (again verbal abuse only).

Again regardless or not if he is gay he is verbally abusive and it will affect your children negatively. This isn't about you anymore its about protecting your children from future mental abuse. Please think long and hard.

[americangayboy]

I don't think the above "tests" will help anything. If anything, conducting these tests will just chip away what little trust there is in this relationship.

[GlindaofOz]

conduct some kinda of test that can prove that he is straight!!

eg..wathch porn together..c how he reacts to it...also watch romantic stuff..c his level of passion n romance.....throw him in the middle of beautiful gals..n c how he acts.

or u may try to seduce him in ur own way....then only u can be sure.

gud luck!

I think that would be completely counter-productive.

I cannot imagine any spouse (gay, straight, bi whatever) being down with getting thrown the wolves as a science experiment

[americangayboy]

Abhinandan, what are you talking about? Resorting to trickery won't help this woman. Also, what do you mean by "biologically not ok"? Your suggestion is one of the worst possible options for this woman could pursue!

[smoothy]

conduct some kinda of test that can prove that he is straight!!

eg..wathch porn together..c how he reacts to it...also watch romantic stuff..c his level of passion n romance.....throw him in the middle of beautiful gals..n c how he acts.

or u may try to seduce him in ur own way....then only u can be sure.

gud luck!

Most porn, even straight porn has guys in it... he may react to the guy and not the girl if that's the case and you'd never know unless he admits it.

Not all straight guys get off on girl on girl porn so that's a poor indicator. I know girl on girl stuff does nothing to me. Now two girls and a guy, that's something else.

[confused26]

Thank you so much for all your responses... Did I mention 75% of our relationship he has slept on the couch, he's a huge mama's boy but she is very old fashioned and she would have a very difficult time dealing with the truth if he is...

[smoothy]

Thank you so much for all your responses.... Did I mention 75% of our relationship he has slept on the couch, he's a huge mama's boy but she is very old fashioned and she would have a very difficult time dealing with the truth if he is.....

I'm sorry you had not just one but two kids with this man... He is a real work of art.

[talaniman]

I think him being gay is the least of your problems. You have one helluva communication break down here, and I think you both should get some counseling, for his abuse for one, and get things in the open, so it can be dealt with. His being gay i.e. irelevant, as you and him are parents, and have not worked together very well. You say he is a good father, but allude he is a bad husband. I know for a fact this just started, so how long where you going together before you got pregnant, and why didn't the gay issue come up then?? How old are you both? I asked for details to clarify some things as I've seen many relationships of lust, end in children, and then fall apart as the lust wears off, and I think that's what's going on here.

[americangayboy]

Thank you so much for all your responses.... Did I mention 75% of our relationship he has slept on the couch, he's a huge mama's boy but she is very old fashioned and she would have a very difficult time dealing with the truth if he is.....

Every new detail makes him seem more gay to me. Although I don't think this marriage will work, you should consider family counseling. I'd also suggest that you stay away from religiously affiliated counselors because there is the possibility of homosexuality and I'm worried that they would just encourage him to suppress any homosexual feelings.

[cpalmist]

Leil Lowndes talks about 'Relationship Equity in her book, 'How to Make Anyone Fall In Love with You'. She speaks of how couples find value in each other - one point is that they are usually equal in attractiveness: if there is a major mismatch, then the other person is bringing some other thing of value to the table - her example was the dumpy Italian guy that was the life of the party though kind of homely but fun to be around for his very attractive babe wife. She valued his humor and he valued her looks so the equity was on a par. Somewhere after the marriage, she started to let herself go and started packing on a lot of weight, which meant she started losing value in the eyes of the man and he started to lay back on being the life of the party to keep the equity/perceived value in balance and so on and there you go, a spiraling downward in how each person valued the other.

I've seen and experienced this for myself.

Wife packed on a lot of weight and it really made the mechanics/physics of love-making more difficult and in some positions (woman superior) down-right painful so I got that wimmens deal of just waiting for it to be over with and done.

So the point of this is that we are assuming that y'all are taking a break from the heteroporno industry and are as hot as HOT can be, rippling hair, flowing muscles, thighs that can crack walnuts and buns of steel or whatever but we could be very wrong here. Sometimes when folks let themselves go, rather than facing the fact that have lost their hotness, its easier to start finding reasons the other person is lacking and how could it be that the other person wouldn't want to be jumping their bones like a trampoline every chance they could.

So have you as a couple kept your hotness? Have you keep the romance in your marriage? Are you still surprising and delighting your partner or are you doing shame and blame to him to 'make him love you again.

As far as gayness is concerned, most mental health folk will point out that our behaviors are pretty much on a bell curve. Super gays on one side and super straight on the other end with everything else in between. Normal is considered to be what 50.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 000000000000000000001% of the population does. I may have left out some zeroes though.

What is apparent in your posts is that neither of you are getting what you seem to want from the othe person. I've met a number of wimmens that had grown apart from their husbands and rather than divorcing, started working toward reviving their relationship. To a woman, they declare that while it was hard work, it was well worth it.

Please take the time to rate this response.

[americangayboy]

I whole-heartedly disagree that sexual preference follows a normal bell-curve. If it did, there would be a HUGE number of bisexuals and very few gay or straight people. Maybe most people are bisexual, but they certainly don't indicate that they are.

The way I understood it, 'confused' and her husband never had a very passionate relationship. I think the only thing that has really changed is the level of resentment each has for one another.

[cpalmist]

Valid points all. However, you are tending to overlook the power of how we are raised and taught in our early years. I don't remember being taught or given reading assignments about same-gender sexual relationships being good or even approved - that issue just didn't come up except when gays were brought up for derision. Nope, the emphasis was finding True Love and marrying the appropriate and approved opposite gender being next door or our school or college love/soul mate and so on.
The message is, and has always been, to choose to be abnormal is to choose to suffer at the hands of the normal.
So even though the distribution of bi's on the bell curve would seem to be a notable presence, behavioral and cultural norms would act to suppress the effects - or maybe them bisexuals are going quietly about their business and keepin' a low profile or just restraining themselves. That maybe the case as I don't remember the last time I heard someone described as a flamin' bisexual or the like... 'Cepting if you are a Republican Senator from a serious Survivalist state of Manly Men with Guns and Godliness on their minds...

[confused26]

I think him being gay is the least of your problems. You have one helluva communication break down here, and I think you both should get some counseling, for his abuse for one, and get things in the open, so it can be dealt with. His being gay ie irelevant, as you and him are parents, and have not worked together very well. You say he is a good father, but allude he is a bad husband. I know for a fact this just started, so how long where you going together before you got pregnant, and why didn't the gay issue come up then??? How old are you both?? I asked for details to clarify some things as I've seen many relationships of lust, end in children, and then fall apart as the lust wears off, and I think thats whats going on here.

We were together only a couple of months before we got pregnant, it did come up then I found the gay topic on the computer I tried not to believe it was him

[confused26]

So have you as a couple kept your hotness? Have you keep the romance in your marriage? Are you still surprising and delighting your partner or are you doing shame and blame to him to 'make him love you again.


There has never been true romance, I've been chasing him, we are both attractive still... This isn't a guilt trip if that's what your asking...