[mikehst]

Errr I agree with everything but the last sentence... I liked myself better when I was with her s o I guess I'm fked there.

[a1b2]

That was a brilliant one there.was really helpful.wonder were u got dt from.basically summarizes everything about breakups

[JonLR92]

Man you got it going on bro, that must have taken a while, but that's was really good man keep it up

[DJ1963]

Very acurate discription of some the things I've been feeling up to this point. Thanks friend I was feeling all alone but this proves that most of us dumpees all go through the same things

[keep_fallin]

Thanks so much I really appreciate it how you did that and it really helped me so again I say tha;) nk you

[Jiser]

Keep on the high road to healing with the good old No Contact A.K.A NC

Poster has it all there, practically down to the bone and then the celluar level. The happy single alternative is allways predictably going to be the best option during your recovery phase. Stick to it and in time the ex will be just a fading memory, much like the sh*t you accidentally trod on the other day. Might I add it took a painstakingly long time to scrape it off!

[outsiders]

Okay I think it feels better now that you've convinced me I'm not psychic.. I'm a normal person reacting to a normal situation in a normal manner! Great !

[outsiders]

I thought Id reached the stage I'm spendin weekends wit my friends like I always did and having a laugh enjoying the stuff I used to enjoy and manage to go hours without thinking about her once. And then suddenly last night It all came back. Almost an year now of being without her, and 3 months of no contact (feels good in sober moments) and I still keep telling myself she'll come back because no one can love her like I did. Perhaps I'm in to denail just lying to myself. She started seeing someone in April and we talked on fone after which I've had no contact.

Will I ever, ever NOT want her back? Not really ? No ?

Good job though I found myself agreeing to almost everything you said. And yes it helps to know Im not the only loser.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Good job though I found myself agreeing to almost everything u said. And yes it helps to know Im not the only loser.

Someone breaking your heart doesn't make you a loser.

[mckenzie134]

You'll finally realise she left you and if loved you wouldn't have done this! That's when you won't want her back! This will most likely occur when you find someone else who loves you and then you will know what the difference is! To be loved by someone you can truly love back...

[outsiders]

Thanks guys maybe your right but right now I do feel like a loser - being jobless for an year by the end of this month. Ive been job searchin online but secretely I keep hoping no one hires me. I've read your post a few times now friend4u, and I think you are a genuis !

You've helped me analyze and think about the positives that have come out of my failed relationship. I've managed to quit smoking. How? I've hardly been out of my house and I don't smoke inside so Ive managed to completely remove tobacco from my life - even when I'm drinking I don't feel desperate for a ciggerate these days.I've lost a bit of weight too - I was like 210 lbs at 6'3 and now I'm less then 175! That makes me feel like I've achieved something !

But I still can't give up on her?why? Because she's 20 and I am be 24 on xmas eve 2007.. I tell myself she'll realize when she's mature enough,that I am the one for her. Lol now that's loser mentality isn't it ? I am sure would agree.

Anyway I need some advice guys, her birthday is coming up and how do you suggest I deal wit it? Should I just send an email, or flowers or a card/gift through post or call her? Or do I pretend to fprget her birthday and move on. Almost 4 months now when I last talked to her, she told me she was seeing someone and that killed me - into complete cut-off.

[Geoffersonairplane]

But I still can't give up on her?why? because shes 20 and i am be 24 on xmas eve 2007.. i tell myself she'll realize when shes mature enough,that I am the one for her. lol now thats loser mentality isnt it ? I am sure wud agree.

No...

I disagree. That's not loser mentality, that is false hope mentality and unrealistic mentality. The false hope does not make you a loser, it makes you a human being with emotions. You've got to stop saying that about yourself because really, do you feel like that?

Its going to be like this for a while, you are going to feel the false hope, I know I did for some time. Trust me, unless you don't want to heal eventually and move on then you are no loser and even if you do spend some time in that period of transition which includes false hope in the grief process then you still aren't one.

In my book, a loser is a bad person who gets drunk all the time, abuses people including his wife or partner either physically or mentally, does not work or contribute to society in any way, has no spiritual value (however one measures it) and basically doesn't care.

You aren't one of them, that's one thing I would agree on, at least from what you say. I do think you need to change your attitude about getting work though, getting busy is what you need right now.

[friend4u178]

Hi outsiders , why don't you start your own post and tell us your story , then we can all try and help you. If we know the background we can advise you on your Birthday question. Have a nice day :-)

[Hottrodder246]

Pure genius... everything is so true!

[a1b2]

This is really something,never read anything like this before.but I`ll just appreciate it if you let mi know your views on the two questions I posted last month,with their titles being "should i call my ex bf of 4 months" and "does my ex bf of 4 months still luv mi" will really appreciate it.knw I should have gotten the answers from here but I just want you to read my story and let mi know your own views.thanks

[Cher13]

Wow, I have never read something so true about the stuff I'm going through right now... thanks

[Inspired]

I really believe that it is so important to try and stay focused on yourself in a relationship. I don't mean be selfish but don't live in fantisy land and take everything as it comes, day by day. I know its easier said and done, especially for us women, but I am trying to live my life this way. Good luck to all and great posting friend4u!

[gagansahni]

Well, Simply Awesome stuff... u said it all... its so true... I would agree with you on all the things... but, there might be some ways to bring back your ex... there might be some circumstances which threw you apart... CIRCUMSTANCES is a BIG word my dear... Like in My situation... we did not break up till that... both love each other but... here's my story -------

I have been going around with this girl since 5 months from now and I know her since 2 yrs.She's is the most perfect girl I have ever come across.We fell in love and are committed.my family has already agreed to it and even her parents agreed with this.One fine day out of the blue moon her father expired, she has an elder sis and an elder brother who are settled in germany. Now its only she and her mom who are left in India and some close relatives. Now once her father has expired her brother does not even wants to talk about me and is not agreeing with this relation.he has not even met and has not even spoken to me.She is working, but her brother wants her to quit job and take care of her Mom.His brother came when his father expired in August and went back to germany and now is coming back again for 3 months in October 2007.They are from a well to do business class family and I work.

We both love each other a lot, but her cousin are keeping a check on her as well, as told by her brother... We can't take any step so can't elope and get married.We want to be with each other but I don't understand what to do.She can't even call me because her cousin is always around.

I am ready to wait for any time her family says. Now even she does not calls me so often like before because there's a check on her, she only calls me once she in office or alone. She is not in her state of mind as well and wants a change in life as well, after her father expired.I totally understand her situation and do not blame her at all for what she's doing with me because its not in her hands.Her sis/mom are by my side but I don't think so that they'll be able to pitch in here because her brother is the deciding factor now.

Please guide me what to do??

[sashala]

I've been on this site for almost a month now. When I found it, I was sure that absolutely no one in the world had ever, or would ever, experience the pain that I was feeling after my break up. Funny. I found a virtual world full of folks who have gone through and experienced the same things and felt the same feelings that I did. That helped a lot.

So, for all you newbies who ask the questions, "Will the hurting ever stop," or "Will my ex come back," or "Why did he/she do this," this is how it typically goes down.

You two break up--doesn't matter who does it. You immediately panic and begin chasing, begging, pleading, harrassing, phoning, e-mailing, IMing, stalking (okay not all of them, just pick whichever one you did). Most of us will likely do some things during this stage that will make you cringe when you think back on it, say after about 3 months.

You lose weight. You neglect yourself, your house, your job (how many hours do we all log on this site while we are at work?). You drive your friends and family crazy talking about the break up. You cry at the drop of a dime. You can't even comprehend that your life might not again include that "special person." You begin putting them on a pedestal, forgetting all of the nagging things about them that used to drive you crazy. In your mind, they have become omnipotent, all encompasing, all everything.

You convince yourself that you are a loser who just screwed up a relationship with "the best person in the world." You KNOW without a doubt that you will never EVER love like that again. You know no one else will come along who even comes close to being as marvelous as your ex (excuse me while I chuckle to myself here). You wear a sad face for the world to see (you should see my work ID taken 2 days after my breakup, it's just pitiful).

They (the ex's) remain steadfast in their denial to get back together. Many of them leapfrog into new relationships, immediately being exclusive with a new person. For those that do leapfrog, they appear to just "replace" you with a new model. All of the things you two used to do, they now do with someone else. Bowling, cuddling watching television, motorcycle riding, antiquing. Whatever you two did, likely they will just begin doing those things with someone new.

You hear about them and their new life. You are desperate for any crumbs of news about their life. Many of us make things worse here by trying to use manipulation to get them back--yet they stay away from us like we are the plague.

For those of us who do still have contact with our ex's we begin selling ourselves short. Doing stupid things like allowing them access to our bodies and then wanting to strangle them afterward when they remind us that "Sex does not imply hope."

You, in further panic mode, begin frantically searching the internet using phrases such as "break ups," "divorce stopper," whatever. You stumble upon this site, because your curious and lo and behold, you find all of us folks in various stages of this whole breakup bullsh*t.

You voraciously read the posts. You search for news of those who "got their mates back." You're on the site constantly. You'll read the books and think "Ah I can do this. I can get this person back." You begin your "no contact" and for some of us, this will get a reaction from our ex's. For the rest, no contact is and will continue to be what you'll get and receive.

Time goes by. You'll do some stupid things. You'll call your ex when you shouldn't. You'll call when you've had to much to drink. You'll call even after 50 people on this site tell you not to. You'll show up on their doorstep, hating yourself all the time. Then you'll come back to this site and ask everyone to tell you why you were so stupid as to do whatever it was you did.

Then you'll get serious about no contact. This is where you LET GO , It'll hurt, but you try to stick to it. Here's the turning point for most. For those folks who have contact with their ex's, your no contact will either bring them sniffing curiously around or they'll be somewhere high fiving their friends thanking the God's that you haven't called.

Now's the tough time. Nothing but time works. Everday the ache in your heart grows a little less. It's only nanobits that it dies down by. But everyday it will get slowly better. You'll have setbacks. You'll run into your ex accidently. You'll run into mutual friends who'll tell you something about your ex that'll have you high-tailing it home for a good cry. You'll see your ex with their new "friend." You'll receive a phone call or an e-mail from your ex who "doesn't want to be in a relationship but still wants to be friends (with benefits if you allow).

Here's another important part. You need to truly sit down and truthfully look back at the relationship and understand what you did to help with it's demise. If you miss this part, you go through all the suffering for nothing because Buddy, you'll be back here again. This site is to teach you about you. To teach you how to be a better partner, a better person. Missing that lesson is detrimental to the whole process. It's the REASON that you're going through this. God (or whatever your higher power is) needed you to learn something about YOU. Don't miss out on the lesson.

Then one day you'll smile because you didn't immediately check your answering machine when you came in. And one day you'll decide to clean the muck that has accumulated in your house. And one day you'll go outside and admit to the universe that you surrender what control you thought you had.

And one day you'll decide to date again. And one day you'll go out on your first date and it will likely be a disaster. And then you'll either force yourself to continue dating or you'll decide that you aren't ready to date but you are ready to be out amongst people again. And many of you will have some quick reconcillations with your ex's. Many of us won't. But one day, it won't matter as much. Because time will allow you to catch yourself going minutes and then hours without thinking of the ex. And you'll begin to be able to think of life possibly without that person and not dissolve into a puddle of nothingness because of the thought.

And for most of us, sadly, life will go on without that mate. That's the truth, amigos. Don't want to dash your hopes but probably less than 3% of the people on this site get back with their mates. Sobering isn't it? But, as the site instructs, you must accept this before you can truly begin to heal or draw your ex back to you. For the lucky (maybe unlucky one's depending on how much work it will take to keep a mate that has wandered back) who get back with their ex's, many will find that the paradise they envisioned isn't reality and what they once thought was gold has a certain tarnish to it now. But they stay and try and make it work because it's comfortable or, if they are really lucky, it's meant to be.

But for most of us. Life goes on. And one day you'll find yourself having a gut busting laugh over something totally stupid and you'll think to yourself "I am getting better." And finally (thank God) you'll have sex with some new and find that a) if it wasn't good, at least you did it or b) it was so much better than with your ex you wonder why you waited so long to get back out there. And you'll know you're one the road to recovery.

I guess what I'm trying to convey here is, while each situation is unique, the characteristics of most of our situations are the same. Most of us will go through at least something that I've written here. So, when someone tells you on this site that time will help you get through it, believe them. When they tell you that "trust me, it will get better and you will stop hurting eventually," believe them. And when they give you good advice that your head understands but your heart rejects, take a moment to think before you react.

Don't beat yourself up if you do something that you wished you hadn't (calling, contacting, etc) WE ALL DID AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. And most of all remember that being happily single is an alternative. Even if society is beating it into your head that you MUST have a mate, take some time to heal before going back out there. There are plenty of good people to love, but don't go back out there broken, jaded about love, etc. Accept realty. Experience the pain. Learn the lesson. Actively try to heal. Remember the person you were when you first met your ex and get that person back.

And the universe will take care of the rest."

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COMMENT!!!

Well written and said!

[troubled in Greenville]

I'm going to make a copy of this and read it this weekend, over and over! My boyfriend of 2 years, dumped me 2 days ago. I feel like crap, and I look like crap! My stomach hurts and I have headache that won't seem to go away.
He was the first guy I loved after my 12 year marriage ended, due to my husband having an affair with one of my friends. I've compromised everything for this guy, his nutty ex-wife and 2 small children, I have no children of my own. All this only to be told, he's doesn't want to look back on this relationship 10 years from now and feel as though he should have done more as a single guy.
I am heart broken!