[deltasis]

I am writing as a deeply concerned sister. My brother left his overbearing, controlling, self-centered wife about 6 months ago. It took a lot of courage for him to leave. He is a good father and loves their children more than anything in this world. He took them to school everyday and got them ready for bed and read a book to them every night. He helped with the cooking, cleaning & laundry. She was a stay at home mom for about 8 years and went back to work last summer and earns a decent paycheck ($36K/yr). The marriage had been over for about 7 years and numerous marriage counseling sessions failed to help. They have 2 small children ages 7 & 9. Since he left, nothing has changed financially for her as she still receives his entire paycheck from his daytime job
($6K/month); continues to live in a nice home and drives a luxury SUV. He has a second job as a paper delivery person and lives off that paycheck ($800/month). However, she is very bitter about him leaving; “how dare he leave me” attitude. She does not love him but only loves his salary. She has told him she is not going to sign any divorce papers because it’s not the Christian thing to do. She has made many threats of how difficult it’s going to be for him if he tries to sue her for a divorce. My biggest concern is she tells the children that their father has abandoned them and what he did was “not right”. She refuses to let him take the children to his home to visit or spend the night. He only gets to visit them on her terms for a few days a month. She refers to any item that he or his parents have given the children as “junk”. She has told the children they won’t be able to go to college because she can’t afford it because he left. She calls his family and friends asking them to tell him he did the wrong thing by leaving her. These are only a few examples of her behavior. I think she is trying to punish him for leaving her by not letting him spend time with the kids. I’m afraid this is some type of emotional abuse for the children and maybe him as well??

[GlindaofOz]

I would say so. What this woman is doing is detrimental to her children and its all to satisfy some petty need for revenge.

You brother needs to take her to court and get this divorce done. And I would remind her that the way she is acting isn't very Christian either.

[cornedbeef]

Hi' I feel deeply for your brother as I have been through a marriage of 12 years with a controller who basically wore me down over the years. I was drained financially, mentally and emotionally and left as a former shell of myself. It is only now when I look back over those horror years that I realise just how much control she had over me.
One day something hit me and I decided nothing could be worse than the life I was leading and so I summoned up the courage to leave. I have slowly regained the person I was and more. Namely the life experience and knowledge that massive mistake tought me.
I have children too and found the best way was to explain to them that my love for them would only grow stronger and that 2 people staying together and being unhappy was not good for anyone. The main thing your brother must not do is moan to the children and try to score points too. They will work out for themselves who loves them unconditionly and if their mother continues to run your brother down they will more than likely work out that she is not such a nice mommy as they thought.
I can only talk from my own experience because there are no hard and fast rules. As long as he remains strong for the children they will value him for who he is and not his money etc. As for his wife he needs to she her for what she is... an insecure person who has a need to control. At the time I would not admit to anyone that I was terrified of her. But now Ijusst see her for what she was... i.e pathetic and a poor mother. Now the kids are older they have far greater respect for me than their mother because they are old enough to see for themselves. Hope he stays strong because he will reap the rewards in the end. Good luck to him. By the way if he has use of a PC there are a wealth of support groups out there who will help him feel so much less alone with it. Good luck.Regards Richard

[talaniman]

I honestly feel that this is your brothers issue to deal with, and as Cornedbeef has very eloquently said, as his kids get older, they will see, and judge things for themselves. Love your brother and support him. What goes around, comes back around.

[Fr_Chuck]

He needs to file for divorce, get child visitation ( try for joint custody) and a normal child support amount.

He is being taken advantage of

[s_cianci]

Sounds like emotional abuse to me, through and through. Your brother is going to have to drag her through the courts. That might wear her down and let some of the wind out of her sails. Either way, she'll have brought it on herself.

[hatsbani]

I was inspired and strenghthened by the personal disclosure, supportive advice and friendship offered by corned beef.