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Oracleofwisdom · Aug 17, 2007, 03:51 AM

I lye in my bed at night, I don't hear a sound, not a faint noise or breathing, or sheets rustleing as they move in there bed. Not a door opens not a light is turned on, no sound of faint creaping around, no floorboards creaking, not even the sound of soft carpet being stood upon. Its like a massive rush going through my head, then I remember, what its like to be safe and secure. I felt that way when they were with me. And when I knew where they were and how they are, when I saw them every day. I was able to hold them, hear them feel them brush past me in a rush to go and play. To cuddle them wrapping my arms around them with love and feel there soft skin of there gentle little faces. To see them look at me with love and admeration the sparkle in there eyes, the way there little cheaks rase when they smile. I love them so much I can hardly bare not to be with them. When there here its all OK, and then I have to take them home and it starts all over again. I have considered the easy option but love them too much so I am stuck in this painful cycle called life. To my kids, I miss you more than you will ever know. I love you enough to die for you, there is nothing I won't do for you. All my love always Dad

NeedKarma · Aug 17, 2007, 04:37 AM

Go for sole custody.

Oracleofwisdom · Aug 17, 2007, 04:49 AM

This is more about me than it is them, they have settled well and adjusted way more quick than me. Its almost 2 yrs now. They have friends and Family where they are, how can I say I love them and take them away from there mum just because I want them. True love is sacrifise. It just hurts like hell. In the UK women almost always win,she don't work because she is looking after my daughter and Im at work all the time so they would have to go to a sitter, the court will not look favorably on me. (I live an hour and a half away from them.) thanks for your post.

Marily · Aug 18, 2007, 03:02 AM

Maybe you should try talking to their mother, why don't she want you to see your kids, this is unfair and selfish of try asking her if you could only phone them at night just to say goodnight maybe it will soothe your heart a little if you hear their voices. I really feel for you

Oracleofwisdom · Aug 18, 2007, 03:06 AM

Thanks, she won't talk to me, period. I have to text or write. I call everyday for now, but she is trying to stop me, I fear she willwin, then it will hurt more. I was sein them every weekend then every Sunday, but she just wants me to see them one weekend now. I kind of understand but most gus would get to see the kids mid week. I live too far away when I'm working its too late by the time I get there. She knows this, but even if she didn't she is not giving that as an option. She is pushing me out.

Marily · Aug 18, 2007, 03:13 AM

Forgive me for asking but what has caused all this

Oracleofwisdom · Aug 18, 2007, 03:16 AM

I left, not for anyone I would add, for good reasons.

Marily · Aug 18, 2007, 03:23 AM

My guess is she is still hurting because you left and is using the kids to get back at you, but I might be wrong

Oracleofwisdom · Aug 18, 2007, 03:29 AM

No I don't think your wrong. But she knows why I left, and I am not in the wrong, its took counciling for me to be able to say that

Marily · Aug 18, 2007, 03:39 AM

Maybe you should talk to a social worker, sorry I ran out of ideas, honestly wish I could have helped you

firmbeliever · Aug 18, 2007, 07:26 AM

Work harder, live life better and hope to be there for the kids when they need you.
That's the best advise I can give to anyone who misses their kids like you do Oracle.

By being depressed and helpless and giving up all hope will not help you or the kids.
As you said if they are living a good life, be happy for them, encourage them to be happy.If at any time you are able to see or meet them will they not want to see you are OK with them being happy.
The children needs assurance not guilt , and they will not understand that it is not them at fault but will assume they have done some wrong to make you sad.

So please until something constructive can be done,pull yourself together, be healthy at least physically so that the mental stress lessens even if it does not go away.

I know it must be very hard for you,I sympathise with your situation but it has been 2 years as you said... so don't give up hope of seeing them regularly,work towards it,ask a lawyer for visiting rights etc(I don't know the law in UK).

Take care of yourself, show her that you are stronger than she thinks, she wishes to hurt you as Marily said through the kids, don't let her get to you, maybe she will get tired of it and if she is a good mother then she will see that the kids need to see their father to have a balanced life.

Oracleofwisdom · Aug 18, 2007, 12:52 PM

Thanks for your post. Don't missunderstand me, my kids don't see how I am when they are not with me, if they were older they may percive I not on top form but there not old enough, and even if they were they would have to be good to know how I am feeling. I know kids can tell, that's why I make such an effort, but then I don't feel this way when they are with me. How I feel is not guilt, I miss them, under the situation I left it was for there benefit, I can't feel guilty about that. Trust me I could not work harder in any form if I tried. There is nothing I wouldn't or don't do for those kids, hell that's what got me in this position in the first place. Finally she won't get fed up that is how she is, she will do this to me in one form or another for the rest of my life. If I could get some form of a restraining order I would, but how can I when she holds the key to my children.

Ps some of what you said has helped.

firmbeliever · Aug 18, 2007, 01:02 PM

You are a great Dad, and I am not judging your actions,
You just need to get out of the sadness and loneliness of being away from the kids you love dearly.

I have another idea...

If you have time on your hands and your memories of your kids seem to consume you.
Write each incident, with vivid details if possible, when where and how's and who.
Someday when you can, gift these writings to your kids.
That way you will be able to deal with the loneliness plus it will be a book of memories for the kids.
Or maybe if you're the artistic type, draw scenes/places you have been to with the kids.

--------------
Amazon.co.uk: Divorced Dad's Survival Book: How to Stay Connected with Your Kids: Books: David Knox,Kermit Leggett
Marriage Breakdown, Separation & Divorce
Parents Protest Group defending Fathers Contact Rights to Children

And some links for you... hope these help you in someway

Oracleofwisdom · Aug 19, 2007, 03:13 PM

Thank u.

shatteredsoul · Aug 20, 2007, 07:18 AM

YOur love for your children is so evident, as well as your lonliness without them. Maybe you should reach out to other dads that are experiencing some of the same issues as you. IT is the most difficult thing to have your family split apart. Even if it is better for the kids, it breaks you up to not have them with you. I really feel your pain and I understand your struggle, my father went through the same thing and he could barely handle it. Remember that this will get better. Try to find things to do that can make you look forward to seeing them and excited for it. Maybe a project you can do together, or a trip to plan to spend time. Focus on the times that they will be with you and try to remember this will make you stronger. They are children who grow up and eventually don't need or want us around when they realize their independence. This is part of that, but in a different way. Continue to find support from others, and express your feelings. I think a journal is a great idea, and like someone else mentioned, you could keep it for them later on. They will understand how much you love them and have sacrificed to do the right thing. I wish you the best!

s_cianci · Aug 24, 2007, 11:05 AM

Have you taken legal action to get visitation with your kids? If not, you really should. I don't know about the UK, but here in the US no court would deny you that.

Jiser · Aug 27, 2007, 02:42 PM

I have an older friend who went through a similar problem. They broke up and she took the kid to her native Scotland whilst he is near reading. You can see the problem there... He was heartbroken. He however has visitation rights. I advise you see your solisiter.

startover22 · Aug 31, 2007, 03:24 PM

I have a good idea if you are up to it, I don't know if it is pass the point, but I honestly think if there is hate between you, don't show any, let her show it. If you can bring yourself to write a beautiful long letter about your feelings on this and just send it to her and if she will not let you talk every day to your children, buy a bunch of stamps and write about something everyday and send it to them. This may make them feel great and you feel better about the current situation. I wish I could help more and my heart goes out to you. I wish you luck in the upcoming days, you sound like a terrific, loving person. Some of the above answers were really great too. I wish you loads of love from your kids!