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Sportsfanatic · Aug 10, 2007, 08:50 AM

After 9 years and some mistakes, I don't know if divorce is the answer?? My husband is a good man and after 9 years we have fallen out of love with each other. My daughter put a huge strain on my marr and things have basically fallen apart... I sleep in on the couch and he sleeps in the bed. I feel very strange when he touches me, partly because I had an affair that he isn't aware of... I made a mistake and am trying to make it right now... If my husband ever finds out about this affair, it will ruin everything and there will be NO chance of repair.

I am NOT in love with him AT ALL... But I LOVE THE PERSON he is.. He is an outstanding father and provider for our family... When I go out, I find myself wondering if I can be happy w someone else?? What is out there is quite scary... I am only 28 and just want to be happy, but I am so scared to make the move and leave my husband... Is taking a break the answer? Or are good men hard to come across and I should try everything to make it work?? I am staying now mainly for my child and because I am scared to be alone... Has anyone else had a similar situation??

jrb252000 · Aug 10, 2007, 09:04 AM

Your marriage is over if you ask me. You have cheated. If there is no love what else is there? Staying for the children is not healthy for the child.
If you want to try counseling it may help you find the answers you are looking for. If you want to rebuild with your husband then you need to come clean to him. It sounds like the guilt is already eating away at you. It is important that you are happy and only you know what is best.

Dennis777 · Aug 10, 2007, 09:05 AM

Hello.

Most relationships have times where one or both people think they are out of Love and want something new. It's because they let life take away the spark and excitement. You made a mistake so deal with it and put it behind you. You can't change the past but you have all the control of your future.

The key is to bring back the spark. Make life with each other exciting like it was at first. The spark was there before so it can be there now if you both want it to be. The question is do you both want to make it work.

If your ready to make it work let me know and I can give you some ideas on how to bring back the spark. If your not ready then get out now so you and your child can start a new life that has Love in it. It's not just you that is hurting, your child can feel the lack of Love also. Any time the parents are not happy the kids feel it.

Dennis777

Chery · Aug 10, 2007, 09:09 AM

You are going through a guilt-trip and it is poisoning every aspect of this 'relationship' Unless you make a plan on how to 'repair' this you will loose in more ways than one.

You will loose your self-respect and turn introverted or you might 'prostitute' yourself because of the feeling you don't deserve better.

You might loose your husband if you don't tell him of the reasons for the estrangement because any self-respecting man who is in love with his wife will not tolerate this state on a continuous basis.

You cold loose him if you tell him the truth, but at least the air would be cleared and a new start could be made by both of you - and this is what you deserve, as well as he does.

So, are you being fair to him, or to yourself with the way things are going right now? Does this really benefit your family life - is this what you really want for your child to live in?

So, dear something's got to give - make your choice and start living accordingly. Keep in mind that there are some pretty capable therapists out there to help people just like you.

No matter what your choice, good luck, and keep us posted.

kanicky73 · Aug 10, 2007, 09:12 AM

My first concern here is that you said your daughter put a strain on your marriage? How in the world can the entire blame of your marriage falling apart be put on your child. I am not understanding that part. If you are not in love with him then you need to end it so both of you can move on and be happy. Your child will adjust. But you can not force this relationship if you are not in love with him anymore. You need to search within yourself and decide if you truly are not in love anymore or if you have just gotten bored with the marriage and it can be fixed. And what I mean by fixed is for the two of you to rekindle the love you had and really work on bringing back the love and the passion.

Budhabelly · Aug 10, 2007, 04:53 PM

You could try and forget the past and move on, but look how far it got you; you are sleeping in different beds, and you feel strange when your husband is touching you?
I think that affair has affected you a lot more than you want to admit.
If you DO want to fix things with your husband, at some point you will have to tell the truth, otherwise it will probably keep eating you on the inside and you will constantly feel like a fraud.

Right now, it sound like you need to see someone for help! It sound like there is a lot you need to work on. When the time comes to tell your husband; well it can go only two ways as you know. I think telling him now, when your relatioship is so strained, will most likely result in a break up (dont forget he will ALWAYS be part of your life, since he is a father of your child, so you WANT to be on good terms with him, even if you do go separate ways). Telling him after you have been working on things gives you a better chance, and you will know you gave it your best.
As to wondering what's out there... grass is always greener on the other side. You could meet another person and in 9 years... he will be boring, annoying etc...

Good Luck!

Fr_Chuck · Aug 10, 2007, 04:58 PM

If you want to make it work, get him and go to marriage counseling.

If not, do him a favor and leave so he can find someone else that will actually care for him.

miss_icanhelp · Aug 11, 2007, 02:12 AM

When you were married, you made a vow and a covenant to God and to your husband with witnesses. This covenant cannot be broken. Marriage is not eat now, spit later. What you lack in your marriage is direct control from God. You have gone astray though you know that you have a good husband. The thing is this... There are two things you can do: First Option: The Truth that he doesn't know will not hurt him. You don't reveal your secret to him. What you can do is that you turn away from what you did and never go back to it. Work with your marriage now, and just see all the things that your husband is willing to do for your sake. Ask God for forgiveness for what you did, and I am sure God would give you another chance and make things right for you. Second Option: You may talk to your husband about it. Marriage is about honesty and trust. You must let him know what you have done and ask for his forgiveness. He may not forgive you immediately, but he must see that you are willing to undergo the very hard and long process towards forgiveness, reconciliation, and trust. If you feel that your husband will still love you no matter what, take option number 2. I would like to share what 1 Corinthians 13 says. It says Love is kind. Love is patient. It does not envy. It doesn't boast. It is not proud. It is not selfish. It is not rude. It keeps no record of wrong. It doesn't delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Love never fails. Ask God to help you if you choose to tell him your secret. But you must ask God for forgiveness whether there'd be any sexual intimcy involved in your affair. Because having an affair doesn't really need to involve sex. Even if the only thing involved is emotion, it can already be considered cheating... I hope I have helped.

pinky5 · Aug 11, 2007, 10:01 AM

Originally Posted by Sportsfanatic

After 9 years and some mistakes, I don't know if divorce is the answer??? My husband is a good man and after 9 years we have fallen out of love with each other. My daughter put a huge strain on my marr and things have basically fallen apart... I sleep in on the couch and he sleeps in the bed. I feel very strange when he touches me, partly because I had an affair that he isn't aware of... I made a mistake and am trying to make it right now... If my husband ever finds out about this affair, it will ruin everything and there will be NO chance of repair.

I am NOT in love with him AT ALL... But I LOVE THE PERSON he is.. He is an outstanding father and provider for our family... When I go out, I find myself wondering if I can be happy w someone else??? What is out there is quite scary.... I am only 28 and just want to be happy, but I am so scared to make the move and leave my husband.... Is taking a break the answer? Or are good men hard to come across and I should try everything to make it work???? I am staying now mainly for my child and because I am scared to be alone.... Has anyone else had a similar situation???

I feel the same way about my husband. Hes a great father, provider for the family. But also just like you, I'm not in love with him. I do love him but I'm so not in love with him. I never cheated on him, though. But to be honest, I think about it. There is nothing more that I would love to leave him. I will try to work out the differences, though. Maybe we can get that spark back. I don't know. I hope everything works out with you, too. Do what's in your heart. My heart says give my husband another shot, but I know it will take time. If you know there's nothing there to give him another chance I say leave him. I don't believe in staying with him for your children. You have to be happy too. And I think its not fair for your children to see you guys fight. That's my opinion though. A lot of people beg to differ. Good luck

beenaroundtheblock · Aug 11, 2007, 10:49 AM

"I have been riding this bike for nine years its an ok bike but I dont love it like I use to. The other day I ran this bike into a brick wall and bent the frame and screwed up the front tire. Should I keep riding it? But the bike dont know its broken can I still ride it?." From what I can tell, you need to start over or put in the effort and fix eveything, because I don't see you going anywhere on this bike/relationship

beenaroundtheblock · Aug 11, 2007, 10:53 AM

Oh and why is your daughter putting a "huge strain" on your marriage? Can fixing your daughters problem help in fixing your marriage? Could be your own guilt he has picked up on, men are not always as stupid as women make us out to be. But don't tell my wife... my 4th wife

beenaroundtheblock · Aug 11, 2007, 11:09 AM

If at first you don't succeed try try again. I agree there may be worse, get rid of that one and grab the next. Life is too short to wait on fate

robby3 · Feb 25, 2011, 02:41 PM

I have been married for 15 years and have 3 children. My husband is also a great guy and a wonderful provider. He is very generous, giving and loving. He is your definition of a "nice guy." I have felt that I haven't truly loved him the way that he deserves for sometime now. He is aware that I have doubts about our marriage but he is faithful, hard-working, and tenacious. He is doing everything he can to make me happy and make the marriage work. I do think that maybe we could both find happiness elsewhere but neither of us are prepared to subject our children to a break in our family. We don't really have terrible arguments or anything like that. I just don't have a true desire for him anymore and that really affects a marriage and relationship. We have a good friendship and companionship. He does love me. I am the problem. I have found that my personal answer with my personal marriage problems, at this point, is to make the best of it. I'm not brave enough to make a change. Whatever decision you make is heartbreaking. You are making some kind of sacrifrice either way. I'm 39, in good shape and cute... I feel like I only have a few good years left but I may spend them making everyone else around me happy and denying myself. I will have to find happiness in the happiness of others. That is a difficult realization.