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Needstobeneeded · Aug 9, 2007, 09:47 PM

I have been with my boyfriend for 8 or so months. We moved in together about 2 months ago and I feel in the last month he has rarely wanted to have sex. We only have sex on the weekends and maybe once during the week but before we would have sex almost every second day and a few times on the weekends. He says he is tired and doesn't want to stay up late when he has to work the next day. Or he even says he has a headache (which I thought only women said to men on TV or in the movies)

I feel like he isn't attracted to me. He knows it hurts me but he doesn't seem to mind but I don't want his pity sex anyway. It's just that when he wants it he gets it. Straight away. I wish I didn't have such a high sex drive because it causes more problems then good. I am constantly left feeling crappy, unloved, unattractive and so on.

I said to him last night after he rejected me once again that I can not handle the feeling of being turned down by my own boyfriend anymore.

I really don't know what to do. I know he loves me but I don't think I deserve to feel like this :(
It could be me and it isn't fair to blame him if he doesn't have a high sex drive.
Once a week just won't do it for me. I would prefer to not have it at all.

kp2171 · Aug 9, 2007, 10:18 PM

I don't have a perfect answer for you.

Physical or mental stress can absolutely stall or kill a sex drive. Been there. Done that. So he's maybe not lying.

That said, sexual compatibility is something you must consider long term. You cannot say "well, itll get better in time"... much of the time it gets, if anything, more complicated. I've had some of the best sex of my life with my spouse, but you'd damn well better believe it took work and effort...

So I wouldn't say its lights out just cause he's on a downswing, but you are absolutely justified in having your expectations met within reason... and if they are not, you shouldn't feel bad about walking away.

Scour the threads here and you'll see women or men who have been in relationships for a decade and it never got better.

You both need to compromise, but that doesn't mean you do all the work to get there.

rankrank55 · Aug 9, 2007, 10:19 PM

His sex drive is perfectly normal, hun. He is probably tired and probably does have a headache at times; it's not fun having sex when you feel like this. This does not mean he isn't attracted to you by no means! Sex is always more plentiful in the beginning and then once you start to get used to each other it calms down a bit and the real love making starts. If you want his attention try doing nice things for him when he comes home from work: rub his feet, make him a special dinner, etc. Don't pressure him about sex! Stand back for a while and just take care of him... he will come to you when he wants you. If you feel like your sexual needs are not being meet then pleasure yourself if he's not in the mood. Slip in the showing with him one morning; morning time is the best time to have sex because your not exhausted from the day! His unwillingness to have intercourse with you has nothing to do with YOU so don't bring yourself down about! Do stuff that relieves his stress and makes him happy and comfortable! Spice things up and don't nag him!

Needstobeneeded · Aug 9, 2007, 10:35 PM

I just feel like he doesn't care that much that I get upset and feel like crap. I would do anything for him and I just feel like it isn't the same in return.

Any tips to lower my sex drive lol

rankrank55 · Aug 9, 2007, 10:41 PM

I understand how you feel! Wait on his every need for a week or so and see what happens... it works wonders!

kp2171 · Aug 9, 2007, 10:44 PM

Absolutely not.

Denying you sex drive... well there is some merit is some self control, and I know you said lol, but really...

Outside of self stim to get a fix, I do think this is a real issue. He's allowed to be tired. He's allowed to have "off" days. He also should be on his knees now and then getting his ears pulled while you are getting yours.

So... a lazy lover isn't going to change without some cause. All you can do is all you can do. Talk, ask, tell... after that... I say its out the door. Or you settle for less.

Remember this... if you CHOOSE to stay you have absolutely NO RIGHT to b!tch about it. You know how he is... so you aren't allowed to say that you can change him...

You either accept it or you talk and see and then decide... but you can't say it'll get better and then complain...

Needstobeneeded · Aug 9, 2007, 10:57 PM

I have spoken to him about it. . I just want to stop feeling so down within myself. I do everything he wants and needs and if that is not enough for him I won't punish myself. But it is very hard to not feel down for me. Me leaving is not an option as I said first I would prefer to not have it at all then once a week when he feels like it. I would never break up with him over sex. It 's just hard to get rejected by someone who loves you.

smoothy · Aug 10, 2007, 06:16 AM

Oh I have to agree once a week is NOT enough. What sort of work does he do? How stressful is it for him... are there money problems... those are some issues that can lead to this.

In many cases sex is a great stress reliever (so is exercise)... but when under a lot of stress its easier to sleep than get up and do either.

kp2171 · Aug 10, 2007, 06:43 AM

I'm not saying that sexual compatibility is the breaking point when it comes to overall compatibility.

My partner and I aren't perfectly on the same page. She's a morning person, I'm a night person... which, of course, means I'm now a mostly morning person. Man I hate morning breath sex... well, hate is probably too strong... anyway... we also have a kid... and she also works mad long hours...

So neither of us have it as frequent as wed like. Its just too damn hard sometimes to get all the pieces together... but I do think we generally want the same things or at least close enough most of the time that the other doesn't feel neglected.

But it takes work. And I'm worried that his laziness in bed and toward your needs and desires is just the beginning.

Again, sex shouldn't be what its all about. But there are women who have written in here after a decade of frustration who say it was a huge mistake to pretend it was something they could just live with. But you can make your own choice.

You are trying to solve the problem, being proactive, seeking help and that's good for you. Just don't deny yourself too much... you sometimes get only as much as you demand in life, and sometimes you don't even get that... but that doesn't mean it isn't worth the effort. Hope he finds a way to satiate you and find that energy that he was willing to use to catch you. He should still be chasing you... just cause you are living together doesn't mean he shouldn't still be "after" you.