[marinda]

I am 34 yrs old and I lost my mom through cancer 7 months ago.
My sister and I took care of her on her last 6 months. She wanted to die at home. I have been married for 8 yrs . Will never have children of my own.
13 yrs ago one of my sisters was murdered by her husband.and she left 2 little girls behind. One 5yrs old and the other 3.
My mom was the one who raised them. Well the 5yr old is 19 and has a daughter of her own. She lives 8 hours away.
When my mom knew she was losing her battle, she asked me and my husband
To raise the 3yr old which is now 16.
She also asked me to take care of my dad.
Life has been so hard for me since my dear moms passing.
My heartis always acheing for my dad and my niece.
My dad has always been a shy man. He doesn't speak english.and since my moms death he is so sad and lonely.
My niece keeps to herself so much that sometimes I feel like Im smothering her because I just know how she truly feels.
I have been seeking mental health for three years now.
And its getting harder and harder to tell my counciler the whole truth on what I'm doing to not feel pain.
I feel so worthless without my mom. I have always smoked marijuana since I
Was 15. But lately I find myself smoking meth more.
This is something that I have to keep From my dad and older sister.
My whole family always knew about my marijauna use.
But there is no possible way that I can ever let them know about the harder
Drugs I've been doing.
All my life I have always tried to do good for my moms sake and now that she is no longer here I just don't know what to do.
I can't take this pain out of myself . But it is killing me more that I can't take iout of my dad. I have never truly loved myself. But I love my dad and family more.

[serialwife]

Marinda,
I think it is very important that you see a grief counselor. Someone who can understand exactly what you are going through. You cannot take care of everyone else until you take care of yourself. You admitt to smoking marijuana on several of these forums. To each his own on the pot thing. You really need to get off the meth though. Everyday I see families ripped apart by people who think they are hiding meth use from their family. It's super addicitve and plays havoc on your body. I know several teenage girls who look like they are 50 because they have been smokin meth. It is also the drug that is being most tracked by law enforcement. The meth will not help you cope, it will just make you worse in the long run. Your drug use is going to hurt your father a lot worse. Plus what kind of example are you setting for niece. If you want to talk you can email or post. I work with people in your situation frequently.