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anjeal · Aug 4, 2007, 04:04 PM

Hi, I've been married for 13 years. I am a 35 years old, hispanic woman who grew up in a (not perfect) stable household. My husband is 45 year old, caucasian man who has 2 younger brothers and 2 older sisters which all but the youngest grew up in foster care. His parents fought constantly when together. Both mentally unstable. Father's mental issues were due to being a medic in the army and the mother I'm not sure. I do know she is schizophrentic! One of his brothers is institutionalized for mental problems and his sisters are struggling with their mental health issues, but appear to have a good head on their shoulders. My issues are this. Violent behavior is not something that I was commonly exposed to as a child. The one incident I can remember is vague. My dad hit my mom, I was 7 years old. I blocked that entire year out of my memory. Sister reminded me. So, obviously I don't deal with violence well. (who does?) The first negative thing my husband said to me 13 years ago was drop dead. I was devastated. I laugh now because I've been called every bad name known to man since. If that's not enough recently he's become physically abusive. I left for 2 weeks. All 3 kids are displaying anger issues and are very confused. After a year into our marriage, I escaped the mental and emotional abuse by using drugs. Too make matters worse, I had 2 affairs. First one for drugs, second one for love. Both terrible wrong and evil, I know. I am not aggressive at all. Until recently, I've never expressed my true feelings to him. I stopped drugs, got help. He helped me and admitted to almost driving me to the point of having to stray and escape reality with the drugs. But, he's never forgave me REALLY.
He's been recently diagn. With diabetes and is in chronic pain. He needs me more than ever right now. He is even more mentally and emotionally abusive towards me. I left again today because he threw a skateboard across the room because I didn't take time for him and rub his back. I don't want to rub his back. I don't want to sleep with him. I love him because he has a big heart. (I know I'm not making sense) I've witnessed and may even know him better than he knows himself. But, I am tired! I work full time, raising our 3 kids and trying to better myself and our kids. (emotionally, spiritually and financially) He says me leaving is being selfish. He says it worsens his pain with the stress. He even said sorry to me. (shocking) So, am I selfish for wanting to leave? Or should I stay during his ailments to help him.

jrb252000 · Aug 4, 2007, 04:13 PM

You are not selfish for wanting to leave, you and especially your kids do not need to be subjected to abuse. If he wants you to stay tell him he needs to go to counseling first and anger management classes. I understand he has a medical condition and you feel for him but your kids well being needs to come first.

anjeal · Aug 4, 2007, 04:37 PM

Thank you for your response. I wish it was that easy. I have one son (11 years old) who panicks whenever he thinks of us leaving his papa alone, one son (12 years old) who understands and in the past has even suggested I leave and a daughter (7 years old) who loves her father to death, but tolerates him for that only reason. The ideal answer is for him to leave our house, get the help or whatever it is that he needs and let the four of us live in our house so our kids can continue their lifestyle where they are comfortable. But, that to me is too easy. He is apologetic and asking me to come home,right now. I hate this.

jrb252000 · Aug 4, 2007, 04:49 PM

You need to sit down with your kids and try to explain that their dad needs some help and he may need to leave for awhile to get it. Tell them that they can still talk and see their dad.
If you stay this cycle will continue and your kids will grow up thinking it is okay. I understand with kids it is very hard but what if an argument gets out of control and someone gets hurt or worse. You don't want child protective services taking your kids away.

anjeal · Aug 4, 2007, 05:15 PM

You are right and I appreciate your honesty. If my gut feeling is to separate from him, then I should for once in my life start to listen to ME! Cause contrary to what my husband thinks I am smart. Right now I have him on the phone and he is AGAIN reminding me of every mistake I've made in my past with him and how I purposely sought him out to hurt him. Our issues are deeper than his ailments. Every woman in his past has done him wrong, including his mother. Anger, mental, health and thoughts of me purposely deceiving him or seeking revenge. OMG, this man doesn't even know me!

jrb252000 · Aug 4, 2007, 05:20 PM

I hope he gets the treatment he needs. Stay strong for your kids. They may not realize it now but one day they will thank you. I wish you the best of luck.

hettie · Aug 4, 2007, 05:32 PM

You have seen firt hand the kind of destructive behaviour displayed by your partner because he was exposed to it as a child so for the sake of your children you MUST leave himto get on with it on his own if he chooses to seek help then great good luck to him and only consifer going back when you know he has sought help and conquered his demons otherwise for the sake for the children's mental health as well as your own physical amd mental health stay back hope it turns out well for you

anjeal · Aug 4, 2007, 05:56 PM

I get it! I need to stop thinking of my issues with him and his issues with me as well as his childhood issues and start being a better mom. I know what's best for our children. I am thinking like a child. I am now an adult! I should start acting like one! Feelings are what keeps me into these types of messes. I have too many feelings. Sorry, pity, shame, guilt! If I don't make this change my kids future is at stake, RIGHT??

hettie · Aug 4, 2007, 06:00 PM

Don't beat yourself up so much it is only human to have mixed up feeling even when it is bloody obvious we shouldn't we all been there and done it and anyone who says it cut and dried is lying nothing in this life is black and white gray areas always exist all you can do is try your best but sadly in this case I do feel the best thing we would be to cut himloose and get on with your own life and that of your kids I hope it works out well fotr you I really do you are a much stronger person than you think you are you will lfind this out in time

GlindaofOz · Aug 4, 2007, 06:40 PM

You have what is commonly referred to as "Battered Wife's Syndrome" the man makes you feel as if this all your fault and YOU are wrong for wanting to leave or wanting to be better.

Well darling, HE is the one who is wrong. Your children do not deserve to grow up around an abusive man. My mother was never able to leave, my father left us destitute. My brother and I wear the scars from that man and I can tell you my mom has apologized for not leaving. She says all the time she should have left when we were little, little kids.

Get your kids out of this situation. They do not deserve to be exposed to this.

Dennis777 · Aug 4, 2007, 07:14 PM

Hello

Don't think of it as leaving him, think of it as helping him get the help he needs and your kids need. If his family all have mental problems then its real and they need real help. If he Loves you he will get the help he needs to get you back, if not then he will keep hurting you and as time goes on hurting the kids. It never ends on its own so its leave now to help him or stay and let your kids see the abuse and then see their father in jail or dead from his anger.

Good Luck
Dennis777

anjeal · Aug 4, 2007, 08:43 PM

I pray that his heart is bigger than his mouth and in the end he finally realizes that he has wasted so much energy on his past that now his present (and I mean it as a gift) is now damaged goods as far as his dream family goes.. . and his future is his to determine and I pray for nothing but good for him. To me I see him as family and family to me is precious and forever. The father of my kids will always have a special place in my heart. But, that doesn't mean I deserve to be hit and/or put down. (Come on, I do enough of that to myself) Anyway, that's the difference of being raised in a loving family with a loving yet strict Mother and Father. I know everyone makes mistakes as we are all human, so don't judge anyone and always treat people the way you would like to be treated. OH, and IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, THAN DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL!

go-ask-mom · Aug 5, 2007, 04:45 AM

I don't know if I'm understanding this all... but if you are WANTING to keep your family together, it IS possible... but it will take everyone to be 100% fully invested in the process and time, time, and more time. Then there's a lot of learning and discovering of thoughts/feelings you both WON'T want to hear... but if new understanding and behaviors can be learned, then all will not be lost.

It will take Family Counseling for all... and also Marriage Counseling for you and your husband. This might be better to start individually and then the two of you together. Same for the kids... let them speak with someone without parental persuaion in the room... and then as a group/family. He will probably need some anger management help too!

Now, with all that being said, the FIRST thing you have to do is keep you and your kids SAFE. Maybe a temp. restraining order and keeping him OUT of the home... but if that doesn't work then you & your kids need to seek help from a shelter or some type of assistance for abused women & children. NOW! The services are out there... do not be afraid to ask! Counseling is free and most generally always offered & is something you'll ALL need... so take advantage of it- as I said above!

I don't see how the healing process can begin until after you ALL get some type of help. I also don't think you should be living together until AFTER the whole family has had some serious counseling sessions under their belt! A good counselor will be able to guide you in this direction- slowly back together as a strong family... but much needs learned and behaviors changed.

There's just too many family dynamics going on here with YEARS of mutual abuse from each of you in either mental, physical, emotional and even drug abuse. So there is no easy answer/cure all. The most obvious is to keep you and your kids SAFE and free from physical abuse!! So THAT is a must do ACT NOW! The free from mental abuse can come after you are all physically safe.

Good luck in whatever route you choose to take. It will be a hard path regardless of which way you decide to go but just remember that you and your children are worth every struggling step of the way. Your choices now will impact your children forever! Good luck hun!

LearningAsIGo · Aug 6, 2007, 06:55 AM

He says me leaving is being selfish. He says it worsens his pain with the stress. He even said sorry to me. (shocking)

That is classic abusive behavior. He's using guilt and lowering yourself esteem in order to keep you around to look after his own interests. This man needs serious help that you cannot give him and wanting you to stay is selfish of HIM. Your kids have to be put first (otherwise you're both being selfish). You do NOT want these children to experience any more pain and confusion than they already have, so please leave the home with them or get your husband to leave.

A women's shelter and/or the police will give you help leaving the home. Please start the end of abuse in your home.

helpme1974 · Aug 6, 2007, 11:05 AM

Originally Posted by anjeal

Hi, I've been married for 13 years. I am a 35 years old, hispanic woman who grew up in a (not perfect) stable household. My husband is 45 year old, caucasian man who has 2 younger brothers and 2 older sisters which all but the youngest grew up in foster care. His parents fought constantly when together. Both mentally unstable. Father's mental issues were due to being a medic in the army and the mother I'm not sure. I do know she is schizophrentic!? One of his brothers is institutionalized for mental problems and his sisters are struggling with their mental health issues, but appear to have a good head on their shoulders. My issues are this. Violent behavior is not something that I was commonly exposed to as a child. The one incident I can remember is vague. My dad hit my mom, I was 7 years old. I blocked that entire year out of my memory. Sister reminded me. So, obviously I don't deal with violence well. (who does?) The first negative thing my husband said to me 13 years ago was drop dead. I was devastated. I laugh now because I've been called every bad name known to man since. If that's not enough recently he's become physically abusive. I left for 2 weeks. all 3 kids are displaying anger issues and are very confused. After a year into our marriage, I escaped the mental and emotional abuse by using drugs. Too make matters worse, I had 2 affairs. first one for drugs, second one for love. Both terrible wrong and evil, i know. I am not aggressive at all. Until recently, I've never expressed my true feelings to him. I stopped drugs, got help. He helped me and admitted to almost driving me to the point of having to stray and escape reality with the drugs. But, he's never forgave me REALLY.
He's been recently diagn. with diabetes and is in chronic pain. He needs me more than ever right now. He is even more mentally and emotionally abusive towards me. I left again today because he threw a skateboard across the room because I didn't take time for him and rub his back. I don't want to rub his back. I don't want to sleep with him. I love him because he has a big heart. (i know i'm not making sense) I've witnessed and may even know him better than he knows himself. But, i am tired! I work full time, raising our 3 kids and trying to better myself and our kids. (emotionally, spiritually and financially) He says me leaving is being selfish. He says it worsens his pain with the stress. He even said sorry to me. (shocking) So, am I selfish for wanting to leave? or should I stay during his ailments to help him.

LEAVE

anjeal · Aug 6, 2007, 01:00 PM

In the past 2 days, I've left my home, my life, my problems. The moment I don't feel safe, I leave. My Dad called my husband and let him have it. He also called me and let me have it, too. I am emotionally, mentally and physically tired and worn out. I ran out of the house at 3 in the morning last night. He is afraid to leave and swears that things will change for the better. I feel torn. My family is over it already. They see me as the typical loser woman who MUST enjoy the abuse since I keep goiing back home. When I ran out of the house at 3am, I was running for safety, didn't know where I was going and thought to myself, "what the hell am I doing?" I am running from my home in order to be safe from harm and I am out at 3am in my pajamas, barefoot and surrounded by shady looking people.

jrb252000 · Aug 6, 2007, 01:07 PM

If you talk to your family and assure them that you are ready to leave for good I don't see why they wouldn't try and help you. You can look in the phone book and probably find a place for battered women and children. They can also help get you counseling and get you back on track.
It is going to be easy to leave however your safety and that of your children is in jeopardy if you stay with that man.