[klover]

Threads merged

First of all- sorry this is SOOO LONG and sooo scattered.

A little background.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 1/2 years.

I am 23... he is 26

This is my first relationship- yea I know
And this is his 5th. He's had very serious relationships-- he was engaged for 4 years(his first real relationship)

He moved here to my state to "be with me" - 900 miles. We had a long distance relationship for almost a whole year.

He just has been acting differently lately. We did get in a big fight the other night- due to both being drunk. Something that I'm not going to do anymore- out of respect for him and us. I've done a lot to try to make it up to him- to let him know how sorry I am... I've left him cards with apologies.. etc.( he told me what happened that night... I didn't even REMEMBER the fight at all!)

But he's just not touchy feely cuddly anymore. Even more after the fight. When I say something- it's like I'm not even there. Something/someone is always more interesting, or comes first.
It makes me feel horrible, especially after I have been putting so much effort into letting him know how much I care for him.
I ask him if he is mad still and that I am so so sorry & he just says to forget it. He tells me he loves me.
But this happens WHENEVER I try to talk to him. Somehow if my feelings are ever hurt and I let him know( like he begs me to do) instead of holding it in for months. He can never just apologize... he always turns it around on me... and then I'm the bad guy.

I feel like I've lost a part of him- maybe with the fight... or maybe he was feeling that way & the fight just backed up tha his feelings are changing.

I feel I have been very good to him & yes he has been sooo wonderful to me-- but there have some incidences that make me wonder... what is normal behavior.
To give you an example. 2 birthday's have passed and I have not received a single thing. Not even a card, a note. I would have been joyous with a blade of grass. This is after I had gotten him nice things for his birthday.

But again really-- I'm so low maintenance. Just an explanation of hey baby- I don't have the money right now... I'll make it up to you someday. Would have made me feel fine. Just to know he cares about my feelings.

What does the no gift thing mean/and no mention of the gift dilemma mean.. when he'll go spend his money on other things... even if their isn't much of it to spend.

I feel like I'll be a bad person if I bring up the fact that it hurt my feelings. And it's too late now.

Anyway I know this is all over the place.

I'm just confused. I still get so excited when he walks in the door. I love being with him. I want to talk with him and learn more about him
But I feel it's the complete opposite on that end.

I know he loves me, there's no way he's cheating- due to us "working" together and being around each other so much.
But maybe he's just not feeling it anymore... prob because we are together so much.

I want to be with him forever... but I want someone to be excited about me...
Like I am for him.

Any words about any of the matters I spoke of would be greatly appreciated.


- I used to be the one to call him when he was out of state-- he couldn't "afford" a phone.

I always paid for plane tickets etc.

There was one incident (when we were out of state) where he told me he'd call on Friday. So Friday came and he didn't call... so I stood up for myself and didn't call him. Well Monday night I thought-- well that's selfish of me-- what if something bad happened.

So I call & he picks up and says WELL HEY STRANGER
And proceeds to tell me that he feels really bad & wanted to be honest with me--- but he went to dinner with his ex-fiance on Saturday night-- she dragged him there... because she heard he was moving to PA( to be with me) and wanted to say her "goodbye" .and he WENT. Because he didn't want to be mean.
( she had a boyfriend... but I found out later that (from what my bf's mom told me )that she wanted to be with him that night)

This has made me feel terrible for a long time.

You see he can be extremely generous when he wants to be:) and he really is... but not with me most of the time haha

Ahhh okay enough- I'm going off on tangents.

Anything on the matters would be grateful... I'm just so confused.

[nagoli]

I'm feeling a sense of desperation in your description of your relationship. Perhaps he is detecting some "neediness" on your part. Men generally don't seem to like a needy woman. I'm not a man, but maybe it scares them? I don't know.

He must care for you if he moved such a distance to be with you. Are you sure in the bottom of your heart that he moved to be with you or was he looking for a free ride? If you are paying for everything... you must begin talking to him about these things.

He told you about dinner with his old girlfriend. If she still thinks enough of him to want to say goodbye... it at least indicates that he was a decent person.

Relationships take work by both people involved. If you are not getting what you need, you must find a way to talk about it openly and honestly with him. If you aren't happy... please ask yourself why you want to continue?

Don't "settle" for just anything. You will only get hurt in the end.

[Wildcat21]

I agree on the desperation part and neediness - these are not good. He sure senses your insecurities and THEY ARE NOT ATTRACTIVE.

I also think 100% you guys may be around each other TOO MUCH.

I really think he also needs his space - he needs to go into his cave for a while and think about things. Fights can leave scars - which don't automatically heal.

I think YOU need to learn to ne much more independent of him!! You sound OBSESSED with him and that's NOT GOOD either. A heakthy relationship is GIVE and take - YOU HAVE GIVEN THIS GUY WAY TOO MUCH!!

You need to learn to put other things in your life - school, work, WORKOUT, FRIENDS(ALWAYS GIRLS NIGHT OUT), hobbies, FAMILY, etc - THESE ARE ALL EQUALLY IMPORTANT.

I hate THE FACT YOU PAYfor everything - stop that!!

I wouldn't worry about the ex as long ashe moves.

WHY are you always calling?? Be busy, do other things. He is PART of your life, not your life.

I think you think it's him - but it's really YOU!!

[klover]

Thank you for your response!

I must say that the phone calls- were when we were away from each other for 1 year. And I didn't even call once a day. A few times a week-- I was just the only one doing the calling... because I was shelling out for the cell phone.

I find that VERY acceptable in my book:)


And yea the paying thing sucks.

As for being together... we "work" together... on a project. But when doing that-- we keep it strictly business... it's a rule we have:)

To the guys... what does the no gift on birthdays thing mean...

I mean I'm not that shallow--- just no recognition seems weird! Ahhh maybe a boy can explain!


I was in an upset mood when I wrote this-- so I apologize for being all over the place...

I make an effort to give him his space. I worked nights... and never got to go out with him very much-- for the past 9 months... due to me having to be into work at 10-11 pm. He would go out all of the time with the boys w/o me-- for the past 9 months...

But really... I know I'm looking to this thread for an answer that needs to come from him... but sometimes he's just really hard to get anything out of... okay make that all of the time. So I thought maybe some insight would be great!

If I ask him-- it seems like a chore to him.. . and that hurts... so I'm avoiding it.

When I've stood up in the past-- it's backfired... into turning it around on me...

But I think it just needs to be done again.


And you're right on the insecurities... he is my best friend and I tell him everything in my heart... but I think I tell him too much from my heart sometimes-- (which doesn't seem natural... to be a problem for me)
But that's just me

[klover]

To anyone who read my thread earlier

What does no b-day gift two years in a row mean...

I mean.. no recognition.

[Wildcat21]

For what you have shared, I see a lot of red flags here.

"no gift on birthdays thing mean...." = he is an inconsiderate JERK! Seriously. You're just seeing what's to come. He takes you for granted. He is not that into you. You're WAY TOO available to him so he thinks he NEVER has to do anything for you. Sure a guy should not buy gifts very often, but HE should on your birthday.

My strong advice is QUIT telling him everything - YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER put all your cards on the table. THEY WILL, AND IT APPEARS HE DOES, TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED, PERIOD, END OF STORY. I am not sure there is a lot of respect from him to you - not good.

I see you doing everything, for what you have said... something isn't right here at all.

You really need to learn to be more independent of this guy. I think you're way more into him than he is into you. I smell heartache coming. Heartache is avaoidable - maybe you have made him too much of your life - that's what happends.

In the future you need to play a little more hard to get - sorry say this - but does doormat come to mind? (Turttle - am I right?) - tough love here, but you need it.

Your interest level is WAY too high in this guy right now - it seems he can do no wrong - BUT, now, as you should, you're starting to get frustrated.

Please re-think this guy. I personally don't like this guy - he has his cake and eats it too. He seems to walk all over you.

[Wildcat21]

I gave my answer above. = Inconsiderate jerk.

[turtlegirl]

Consider why you're taking a step back and asking all these questions. Obviously we don't know you and don't have the answers, but these are problems that have been bubbling under for a while. If anything seems like a chore to him, yuck. Who wants that? And no recognition on birthdays is bull$#!*. He could write you a note on an envelope and pick a flower out of someone's yard and then take you for a walk. It's not about money it's about valuing someone and showing her that.

Why do you think you want to be with this guy? Seriously, try a pro-con list. It can't hurt anything to see your thoughts and values there in black and white.

Good luck.

[turtlegirl]

It means the person is a taker and you should high-tail it on out of there.

[sweety]

It means they are poor and maybe cannot afford a gift for you.

[turtlegirl]

No we're not talking about no gift we're talking no acknowlegement, which is free. Notes are free. Nice walks are free. Flowers or pretty leaves are all around right now. Thoughts are free. And I'm guessing she's had the same birthday for the past two yers, he could've budgeted out $10 in that time.

[Wildcat21]

Yes - he did nothing. He could have cooked, given a nice massage and drawn a bath, even a card. Something!

[klover]

Thanks for the replies guys.
Yes I agree... no he didn't have a lot of money... but he had a pad of paper and pen for free..

He told me this past birthday that he had something planned for me... but I never saw it nor heard of it again.


It's so weird- he's so generous with everyone- buying meals for my parents when we go out etc.

It's hot and cold
But I feel on the back burner sometimes...

He's wonderful when everyone else is around. But a lot of times when we get alone it's just blah. Doesn't make me feel too special sometimes.

I believe it's because he really doesn't feel he needs to impress me
But it should be about making me feel good. Not impressing.

Everything else is pretty good besides that! We're going away for a night this week. I think I will calmly confront the issue-
His behavior explains my insecurity with him... and I think it's a vicious cycle.
Cause as you all said & I agree... the insecurity thing... boys don't like it.

But I wasn't this way before we dated:)

I'll explain it to him... and if he truly cares for me- he'll think about how I FEEL and be sensitive to that... and not think about himself and get all defensive and turn it back around on me.
He talks about marriage all of the time...
I want that someday too. But we need to be there for each other 100% all of the time...
It comes natural to me... I just wish it didn't have to be a chore for him.

Do you agree that I should talk with him..?
Before the drinks are poured of course...

[klover]

Thank you guys so much

It's nice to be able to work things out here... before I take them on in person.

I really appreciate it...
Thank you for your advice.

[Wildcat21]

You do need answers to take this further. I'd go and drink coffee and slowly work up to it. There are some red flags here. It's seems you are way more into it than him.

[Wildcat21]

Talk with him before you drink.

"he told me this past birthday that he had something planned for me" - that's horrible.

Maybe he thinks "Treat them mean, keep em kean"

Some partners cause insecurites... and that means lack of trust = red flags.

You need some answers here.

He is generous to everyone? And not you?

[klover]

See everything has been good now... and I have second thoughts about bringing it up this Friday. I don't want to fight again.

Should I bring this up and get it all out--

He should be able to have a conversation with me about this & not end up hating me right?
If he cares for me... he should take what I say to heart... and not think I'm just trying to start a fight... because that's DEFINITELY not what I want.

Right?

I know I'm not perfect... but honestly-- I'm a very easy going person (as you can see) and I am very sensitive to people's feelings... so I try to be as tactful as possible when dealing with anything... but
It has become a power struggle in the past... on his part.

I have needs though... and if we're going to be together... we should work on fuflling the needs of each other...

Isn't this all common sense?

A simple talk is not out of line to ask for when a couple is going on 3 years?

[klover]

Wildcat...
I saw your other posts on tactics and what not...
And have been trying to do that... gaining independence...
I have nights off now- THANK GOD... so I can try to get out and have fun and establish other relationships (friends) with people
But this takes time. It was impossible for the last 9 months due to working over night tues through Saturday nights...

Should I take this time tomorrow to still talk to him- it will be perfect-- we'll be alone and in a calm relaxing environment.

Or should I basically try to "distance" myself from him a bit - and make him realize I don't NEED him - in a sense...

He has admitted things of that nature before-- in a drunk confession...
Saying he feels he isn't so great all of the time- because he KNOWS he's not going to lose me. Almost TOO Much trust huh haha.

He also tells me not to worry about things-- because he does not want anyone else... and he would be very honest with me if things weren't making him happy.

Should I take the opportunity and ATTEMPT to talk with him-- or let things go on and just try to establish my own now... that I have the chance?

I feel that if we're even just decent friends... I should be able to tell him something and he should want to respond.
I think he is the one with fears too... or he just doesn't care- which is even worse...

In that case- I want to get this over with... and find out if I need to move on.

Any take on this

[Wildcat21]

You do have to learn to put up barriers and tests. Be independent. Being needy and TOO available will make them run.

I would do both - talk and distance. Make sure to listen to what he has to say as well. He doesn't need to know he totally has you until maybe you are 70 years old - seriously - things like this end marriages. If you are tactful enough it will not end in a fight - don't think that. You need some answers. If he cares for you it won't end in a fight.

He did give you some answers here. He told you what I always advise. Never be too available. He needs a challenge as well. "because he KNOWS he's not going to lose me."

You need to make some minor changes in the way you handle things.

If you have certain needs and I was your guy - I would want to know.

Let it go will just build it even more. I had a gal do this to me - instead of communicating - she left. I think he would rather hear from you than not.

"a simple talk is not out of line to ask for when a couple is going on 3 years?" Exactly. I think you would feel better about a lot of issues - and I bet you progress further. Just be nice about it - don't attack.

[Wildcat21]

Oh, and yes -if your free time is opening up - get out and enjoy things with out him.