[Canada_Sweety]

My gosh.... I wish I had thought of something as wonderful as that!:p You're wise and I love your step-by-step method. Thank you:)

[Ash123]

My gosh.... I wish I had thought of something as wonderful as that!:p You're wise and I love your step-by-step method. Thank you:)

Thanks CS. It's a product of... fatigue and a momentary reflection on a full life.
Hope some folks can benefit.

[Canada_Sweety]

I think I've actually used the step method:D

[HaRLoS]

WOW! You are a very helpful person! THANKS!

[DazzaB]

Ok, I have followed this.. but now I am confused...

My girlfriend (or should I say, my ex) has texted me twice today to tell me she is thinking about me and she loves me.. should I reply to this?

She also texts me every night to say night and that she loves me..

[Ash123]

NO WAY. No response yet.

She will be OK.. I know you are feeling... Mean or something.
But, now you have the power... Like it?
So, now is the time to decide if you can do anything better with her the second time.
Each day that passes you have to ask can you bear another break up AND
Do you even WANT to go out with her at all?

You must wait or you all will immediately cycle BACK to where you were.
I would advise (and I have been through this MANY times) to give this time.
Or until she ever comes up with something concrete that
Makes the past and the future workable. She won't likely come out with an
"i'm sorry..." but a clear willingness to talk and admit some fault or vulnerablity
To you is important. Responding will not help your cause.

Think about the good and the bad of your relationship. You have her back now. Do you really want her?
Ok, next time she texts, writes, calls let me know. This isn't so much about anything but giving yourself
The sanity of mind now to make a clear decision. Breathe - and talk to you soon.

[DazzaB]

NO WAY. No response yet.

Now you have the power...Like it?
Ok, now is the time to decide if you can do anything better with her the second time.
Each day that passes you have to ask can you bear another break up AND
do you even WANT to go out with her at all??

You must wait or you all will immediately cycle BACK to where you were.
i would advise (and i have been through this MANY times) to give this time.
At least a month - and see if she ever comes up with something concrete that
makes the past and the future workable. She won't likely come out with an
"i'm sorry..." but a clear willingless to talk and admit some fault or vulnerablity
to you is important.

She has already said "sorry but I just need a break, we have met up every day since we started going out and I've been taking advantage of you because we've seen each other that much. I need to realise what I'm missing. I'm sorry and I know I'm treating you like dirt".

So she has already said sorry.. I will give it a few days and then maybe reply to her and say "You're the one who asked for the break, why do you keep texting me?".

[hettie]

Well said now where were you four months ago when I was doing the exact opposite of your wonderful advice she speak wise words people listen closely

[Ash123]

Ok DaazaB,

SINCE YOU ARE UNDER 18 I'M NOT Going to INTERFERE IN THIS TOO MUCH.
BUT, LET HER BREATHE - THE "SORRY" CAME WITH A "I NEED TO REALIZE" -- don't forget that. She is a brush fire that only needs a little gasoline to flare up again... take you time.


**JUST REMEMBER: DO WELL IN SCHOOL, FIND A CAREER, AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR HEALTH... IN THE END THAT'S THE BEST WAY TO GET THE BEST GIRLS.

Don't stress too much now. You'll have enough to worry about later. The more you do the above stuff the less stress later... REALLY.

[samesame]

I wish I read this a few weeks back, because than I would have liked to have used steps 1-3. Oh well, step 4 is a start as well.

[Canada_Sweety]

Hmm.. how is that holding up for you?

[ruby07]

This is great advice. Its been about a week and a half since we broke up.
I'm trying my best to follow through but its just so hard.
I haven't contacted my ex and he hasn't contacted me. I get urges to call but I know that will only push him back. I really hope he realizes and comes back around. :(

[samesame]

Ruby07, stay strong. Every time you make contact u lessen your chances of ever winning them back, and u only torture yourself more. I'm in the same boat right now, so I know how hard it is too.

[PAMD]

I think this is wonderful advice as well. However during my breakup she mentioned to be strong... will me not contacting her give her the impression that I am strong and doing well (even though I'm a wreck) and make it easier for her to justify her decision?

[Jiser]

When you break up, there are so many emotions flying all over the place. You are hurt, angry, dissapointed, was it me? You should not be trying to look for reconciliation, you should be looking towards you. Improve yourself and your life and get on the path to the new you. No contact helps with this...

The future is bright but only if you make it so, don't live in the past, learn from it, or nothing will improve including any relationship with your ex.

[Ash123]

I think this is wonderful advice as well. However during my breakup she mentioned to be strong...will me not contacting her give her the impression that I am strong and doing well (even though I'm a wreck) and make it easier for her to justify her decision?

Sorry PAMD,

Maybe Re-read the initial steps. There are rarely words after the first week that can help unless you are on a "break" for a set amount of time... If words MUST be spoken that are vital to a misunderstanding - say it THEN... or months later when you are clearer headed.

I truly believe (based on every happily married couple and every unhappy couple I know) that soulmates/functional couples can survive a break - but how you break is key.

(Breaking a lot, breaking for spite, for sex, for money, for power, for attention, for a mood swing) is not healthy. Breaking because you are hurt, unsure, scared, trying to be practical, for age, or timing, is OK. I think people know if they can last a lifetime but go on and on for the wrong reasons... It's learning the good from the bad is what let's us find the right person. The person who has our back and is a teammate who will sacrifice for us - and us for them...

Communication is very hard at the point of a break. BUT THE BREAK CAN BE AN OPPORTUNITY**
So, try to listen and speak what you need as well. A healthy couple with potential will get through this,
and BENEFIT in time. If they are not to be, this is the opportunity to find the RIGHT person! Not getting buried in confusion, pain and sorrow for too long is the key for realizing this is also an opportunity to meet Mr./Mrs. RIGHT.

Your energy will be strong, so keep your eyes open :-)

[Desire03]

After a time on this site and some significant personal relationships, I've compiled a short list of essentials for those suffering in the throes of a break-up. I hope this can provide a guide for the pain we all have had to endure (and can even benefit from).

1) Be cool.

If you are the breakee (and most people on this site are) and you realize you are being cut loose...let the white heat and noise in your body and soul stay inside. The breakee is likely anticipating the worst and unless you have caught them cheating, hold your tongue and listen. You see, if you want to get back with this person, the impression you leave at a dramatic moment counts a lot. The breaker will feel guilt and doubt following the break up. They will not be sure if they have done the right thing. Let them stew.

2. Leave them thinking.

As you listen and suffer in the sudden pain of rejection, think of a golden moment in your relationship. Something that you both considered a high point. If your relationship is not totally dysfunctional, that time may have only been one rough patch away. Is it worth mentioning casually? If so, just make it the last thought they have.

3. Give.

It is human nature to go back to what makes us feel good and what we know. If you can give love at this moment - even if just in a touch or a smile - it is powerful. Why are they letting this go??? they wonder.

4. Survival Mode.

Now begins the well-known No Contact period. No texts, no calls, no letters, no emails, no stop-bys....This is for you. And for them. For you it is protection and stops the cycle of waiting and wondering. For them, it shows them that they must live with their choice. And the LESS you do, the MORE power you have.

5. Silence is golden.

If you maintain silence then you put all the pressure on your Ex. No easy let downs. By doing less, you do so much more. And it lets them think about what they lost. Every break in silence before your Ex reaches you lowers your value. The work you did was IN your relationship. Whatever you did will now pay (or not pay) dividends. It is what will fill their head as they go through their day. (Note: If your EX left you for someone else, then you must go silent right away. Skip 1-3. This relationship is likely over and should be unless well, your EX has....well, an incredible explanation.)

6. "How long do I go silent?"

Forever. What this means is that unless your Ex contacts you, you should stay silent.
Many EX's circle back. And when they do, wait! Wait and think.
Ask yourself: Do I even WANT to get back with this person? Is it a relationship I want? Was there willingness to part a natural human response to learning about themselves and you, or was it callous and thoughtless? The period of silence before a "circle back" could be 2 days or GULP (2 years). If your Ex re-establishes contact and your relationship had a lot of good communication to begin with - you might find that friendship can be an Ok alternative and downpayment on a later more-serious time for you - as long as it is on your terms and time schedule - maybe even after you have another person in your life.

7. When do I panic?

Never. Every break you do this way makes you a better lover and closer to getting Mr. or Mrs. Right......If you chase or plea or beg you may get him/her back but in the long run it is a fissure that will always be there. Many of the happiest people I know had at least one "test-break" and then got serious. They spoke after a break at some appropriate point and had no agendas, just a realization that humans need to process things and that they were ready. The Breaker does have the responsibility to prove they are more committed - and again, the breakee has less pressure in this dynamic...so enjoy the role of entitlement for a while - but don't be mean.

8. If I re-unite with my Ex, how do I do it?

Don't hold a grudge. If you are going to go "another round" don't sabotage yourself by going back with revenge or bitterness....Instead, communicate. A lot.
Make it clear what hurt and what you want to work on. If this person has real potential
they will be excited about finding out what makes you tick and what makes you happy.
And you should do the same.

9. If I feel like I want to die, how do I survive 1-8?

Time. Time is a powerful thing. Get a calendar. 90 days is your goal.
Cross the days off...and better yet, write the emotions of the day in the box as you desire...write what you feel about your EX when you wish. You will see the adjectives change over time and you may be surprised to see that over time the intensity changes.
If you were married or in a relationship for a long time (5 years+)....you may need an entire calendar. Factor about 2 months per year. If you need more than one calendar, or cannot sleep or eat predictably for more than 3 months, I heartily suggest a good therapist. (Note: A General practitioner M.D. can suggest one if a friend cannot).

10. So, what is the goal of all this work?

The right person for you is the one that makes your life better and whom you wish to make their life better. The right person is one that HAS YOUR BACK! If they do not, and/or you do not have theirs, then you are chasing pain, and preparing for your future offspring to live in pain.
That's pathetic. Look at your friends? Are they loyal and hardworking and care about who you are and what you feel - and are there for you - especially in a crisis? If so, you are emphasizing character and laying a life foundation. And your partner can be all that and MORE!!

Breaks CAN actually heal us for the better, as long as we fight to get the best of them. That's the challenge of life. How do we handle adversity??? If you handle it well, you are a rare person and are guaranteed great things. It's NOT EASY. I hope the 1-10 will make it a little easier. If you have to rush right to #4 it's OK. Just get yourself to as sane a place as you can handle ASAP.

(If any of this ends up being useful for you let me know.....)


You now have the advantage! ;)

What do you do if you're the breaker... how do you handle this. What is you have to break it off because the other party won't when it need to be broken. What do you do then?

[kingdktgrv]

I have a girlfreind who says " I need time to 'grasp' my emotions about you"
She says that she still loves me but just needs to realize it again.

What is up and what should I do?? School starts on Wednesday and I have classes with her.

[Ash123]

Sounds like a woman!!

give her space...

adds to your value and lets her not stress... smile when you see her if you can.
But don't pressure her... then, stay away. And stay busy.
let me know how it goes...

[Jiser]

Hello I am drunk and intoxicated. I say stay single! PUT YOUR HANDS UP!! WOOP WOOP