[hair2007]

I've been through it for 5 yrs... just ended again 1 month ago, he always wanted me back, and me like a dumbazz was there... kind of think the same as u, used me for comfort, until maybe something else came along. Well it did, 2 weeks into being "back" I found out he was pursuing his new nieghbor, but said to me lets take a break... well fast forward till now he is with her and could careless if I fell of the face of the earth!! And I have to see it every day, they live right near me...

When he had or has no one, he will climb mountains for me, but when he thinks there is a chance with someone else " he needs a break" please, it makes me so sick to my stomach that people can be so self centered for so long and use such lame excuses according to their day.

I'm not sure who was the bigger idiot, me for loving him and trusting his words or him for playing me like a violin for so long... it just all sucks, I feel bad for u, it sounds like you are so hurt and only time will help a little.

Some people make love so hard and confusing, and they enjoy using people I think...

[rol]

Yeah time is amazing and really helps you heal... I was fed up hearing people say this but its so true.

You are in the anger stage now Mckenzie, I can tell this by your latest posts... you will be fine..

[Geoffersonairplane]

But i think the difference between us is that i dont so much see them as games and tactics. I see it as having a healthy and balanced life and relationship. You should have other things to do sometimes.Don't change your life to suit your new partner. That isnt a tactic. That is just having balance in your life.

Exactly.

I think you mckenzie, are confusing games and tactics with having a healthy and balanced life, something we should all do. The reason I think you are confusing the two is because you still resent her and are bitter about what happened and somehow blame yourself for not having made certain choices about how you dealt with her. You feel it was your fault that you had not engaged in some kind of game playing/tactics to make her more interested in you.

The truth is that perhaps you became too involved and lost more of your own life through your attachment to her, your attachment to the relationship and the importance of her became more of your life. This is not because you did not use tactics, it is because you loved her but lost sight of balance in your life and this is a big lesson you need to come to understand that you have learned.

You need to identify the fact that this lesson is staring you in the face and if you are wise, you will begin to see that in a way, you have been dealt a very lucky card at a point in your life where you still have a long way ahead of you and the knowledge to put things right in your own life for your future.

With any luck, perhaps this kind of thing won't happen again, maybe it will but being human is about making mistakes and learning from them.

[mckenzie134]

Your all right I am angry and I have everyright to be. I hate being told by a girl that she hopes she's not contacting metomuch and doesn't want be to get bored of her but just needs to her my voie at night and the breaks upor breaks a couple of days later saying I'm her whole life and she is to dependent on me and she shouldn't be likeht. She loves me but not sure ifit is a love forever. Of course I'm angry she ook my valentines present a week before and did not break then she should have she told me she was thinking wha she wanted foraa year and saometimes she thoghthow great it was ut saidshe was not always happy. Im mad to because after we were together 2 years she said after she went on a holiday her feelings hadchanged and she said she new I was the one and we would never breakup and she was so intowanting to be around me and saying we are a couple and do everythng together,This makesu upset as she can just change her mind yethellwhen she was away she missed me somucgh then and kept saying your not going to break up with me when igo away, Well I feel lke I should have given her sometreatment like she gave me and let her think about things, She told me whennshe brokeup if I did I to hershe would have been devastated, I'm so angry she can be like this especially aftewr we had such a great rekationshipGeez she pisses me off... I the oshe neededme so much and then didn't.. Really makes me still angry. Took me for granted..

[mckenzie134]

I just feel liketo kep her I needed to make her feel like she needed me I know this is not always a good way but this is what she was like she needed to miss me and I've said that a lot bdi jknow maybe that shouldn't be the way but that is whatshe liked she had to be 100% positive I was the one and to do this she had to knowthat she couldn't live without m. She used tosay the one I spend my time with will be soneobneni can't live without!! Now I realise though forher to see thisshe needed timeapart from me to know that but why wouldi wantt o give someone a break for her to know this so someone tell me how was she going to klnow that she couldn't live without me while we were togetheri thought it was going to be hard to show her she can't livewothot m while we were together but that's what it seemed like. That's why I talk about being distant and unavailable becasuse this did make her realis. Thanks...

[mckenzie134]

I am ma nadtal your right I probably will get through it but I really believed she was the one but how was I ever going to ake her reali this when she had such high expectations of what she should feel and of what love s he thought the person she stays with is someone she could not livewithout but I feel the o0only way she would have known this was to not have mmehow would she realise this while with me in her realionship. He only realise this when she went away for holidsys and 1 month without me but we were still together she then knew 18 months ago./ So how does she know this while we were together it seemed so difficult to be that one when she had a high reason of love and how she would know if she couldn't live without me I was going to be the one...

[Geoffersonairplane]

Really makes me still angry. Took me for granted..

Of course she did and yes you have a right to feel angry. I certainly don't think you should not be feeling angry, it is very natural to have these feelings especially early on after a breakup. I felt angry after my ex got engaged to me and I planned to marry her but things did not work out that way and it was like one minute she was there with me and making plans with me and we were so close and then the next minute she just threw me to the side like a piece of garbage and IT REALLY WAS LIKE THAT TOO. Within a space of less than 5 days she was gone and out having a laugh with her mates leaving me to try and put my life back together again.

I was so angry too and naturally felt like this for some time, still comes back sometimes.. LOL

You are only human and this will get better in time. Even in a years time, you might look back and have a passing resentful thought and that is not unnatural. No amount of time is going to change what she did to you, how she hurt you. You will look back at it a little differently but it will always be the same. No amount of time will change the past but it will help you heal. The important thing is to chalk it all up to experience and try not to live in the past because that won't help you move on.

You just get busy feeling what you need to and get through all this and in time, you will feel better. It seems that is exactly what you are doing so you will be okay in the end.

[Geoffersonairplane]

And just keep ranting on here about how you feel, that's good. Before you know it, you will be banging on about stuff like I always do.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Mac, you probably will not grasp that feelings can change really fast, until it happens to you, and it will. I think thats the hardest part, to understand how someone can change so fast. It happens all the time.

Good point tal, I think mac will be on the other side in time and will be the one who does the walking and then he will understand how this kind of thing works. It doesn't mean you will treat the next one badly but you may lose interest before she does. She might then be wondering how your feelings could change so fast and be ranting about being taken for granted while you are out having a good time because you would have already long emotional unattached yourself before she had a chance to. She will unfortunately be the one left behind grieving long after you have.

[rol]

True, also I think because we have gone through a hard breakup we will be less likely to go into another one wearing rose coloured glasses! And will really work on keeping a good relationship alive and be able to spot red flags and warning signs that things are going stale.

At least I hope! Ha ha

[samesame]

So what's the lesson learned in all this? The fact that feelings can change so quickly, and from the looks of it, eventually always do. Is the answer to not make yourself vaulnerable ever again? Always keep your guard up? I know I never want to feel like this again... life's to short to have the rug pulled from under your feet by someone you love and care for and invested so much time in, but they don't care about you. I've used this analogy before, but it's like the you're the family dog. Loyal to the family, and then one day after many great years, for some reason or another they can't have you anymore, so they just dump you in a field somewhere and drive away.

After hearing all the stories and advice, love sounds like nothing more than a temporary illusion caused by the selfish needs each person involved has, and when those needs are met or are not required any longer, the illusion is lost. I don't know, maybe I'm being cynical here, but it doesn't sound like there is much hope for "life long love". Sounds like you have more going against it than for it. Only thing that ever sounds certain is "you". And that's a pretty crappy thing... real and true, but it still kind of sucks to know that no relationship is 100%... and the person you thought was your 100% will probably let you down one day. I guess the only relationship that could ever be 100% is the one with children and their parents. I don't have children, but looking at my relationship with my parents it makes sense to me, because in that kind of relationship there is no selfishness or self interest there. It's pure.

Then again I'm probably just thinking negative and on a rant because I'm having a blue day. Anyway, just needed to vent a bit. Back to work (or staring at a blank screen) I guess. My 2 cents. Cheers!

[gmspitali]

On that note. Relationships are scary and even dangerous. After my experience I realized how cautious you have to be in finding the right person and seeing the warning signs early enough. God forbid, you get married to a person and have kids with them and then they decide to do something as awfull as to leave you with the kids. For many of us who are very young this thought might seem very distant but 4-5 years do come by quickly and sometimes and quite often (and I think especially relevant in our cases) the person whom you want to marry is someone you would have liked to have known for a long time to be sure and certain about their commitment. Then again, relationships have to be fun, exciting and enjoyable. Relationships are one of the greatest experiences and you will feel some of the best feelings ever through them, which is they are so hard to overcome when they end. But I believe somewhere in the back of your mind you have to have a degree of caution before you step in too deep. And I hope for all the experiences they have gone through with their ex will assist them in this. That is why you should not perceive this experience negatively but postively which without a doubt will prove useful in the future in your decisions. Maybe you should consider yourself lucky that this happened sooner rather later at a more crucial point in life. I do.

[Skell]

Hey Mac. Its okay to be angry. It really is. But don't carry that anger too long or unnecessarily. Channel that anger into more beneficial sources. Rather than being angry and bitter at her all the time and thinking of ways to get her back. Take that energy and throw yourself into something else. Your work, sport, the gym, writing, whatever tickles your fancy.

The anger towards her won't change anything unfortunately otherwise all of us would be back with our ex's after the anger we had.

As Tal so brilliantly put it, it is so hard for us to comprehend how someone can change so quickly. I still cant. It scares us. At least it did me. And you wonder that if that person you loved could change so easily why won't the next. So rather than face that fear we get angry.

Its something that you will overcome but perhaps some of the things I suggested above and the advice from others will help you overcome it a little more quick.

[talaniman]

Tell you a secret to help you along, Instead of questions and confusion, ACCEPT people for who they are good or bad. Once you do and can just see it for what it is, and know you can't change them, then you realise you can only change,
Yourself.
Your mind
Your behavior or attitude
Your outlook, ETC

The key word is YOU R
As in YOU R IMPORTANT.

[mckenzie134]

Thanks I was very cautious for a couple of years and probably would still be with her if more cautious but I seemed to get sucked in and after 3 years believed I didn't need to be as cautious and looked what happened. I new I had to be but as hoping that I wouldn't as I seemed to believe what she said and she said I only say "I love you" to the person I want to be with and she seemed so keen, Ijust thought it was so great and it was, that's what left me in disbelief, normally I would have recognised the signs but there were no signs great to nothing. I needed some signs not a message the nigh before saying she wishes she was cudling then inviting me over for lunch then telling me that night she needs a break...

That's what was hard and I suppose chasing her made up her mind when in actuall fact she was just angry about one of my friends... I know that's no reason to dump someone but she is very impulsive and was probably angry so instead of talking and telling me she just wanted a break and well that's what she should have got. But easy to say now...

I think itr doesn't help when she asks for the break and says I want to workj on myself and not be dependent on you cause if anything happened I wouldn't cope without you.

Wouldn't cope without me yet she wants a break.

I think I'm understanding a litte maybe she really did want to be more independent yet I drove her feelings away...

[gmspitali]

It is really weird reading these stories because everything that has been written here and similar stories shared like many are almost identical to mine in one way or another. I sometimes wonder, maybe the female species was meant to behave and act like this under the circumstances and events of the way we behaved in the relationship. It is like god or someone programmed from start for them to just leave and break up after everything we did for them (not to say we didn't have our faults). But all in all we weren't bad boyfriends, at least that's what I was told by others and even my ex. I don't know, sounds stupid but its just really peculiar and that is why there is so much confusion and disbelief in why they just left.

[Superfed]

Yes, its easy for the dumper to walk away from a person when the dumpie is begging them to stay. But when the dumpie say's, "see ya" don't let the door hit you in the @$$ on the way out." It makes the dumper think like, "wait a minute, what's wrong with me?"

Truthfully, when some one wants to leave you, just let-um go and don't worry about getting them back.
Why would you even want someone back that has the smallest thought of leaving you??

[mckenzie134]

Why would you even want someone back that has the smallest thought of leaving you??

Yes very true...

[talaniman]

Truthfully, when some one wants to leave you, just let-um go and don't worry about getting them back.
Why would you even want someone back that has the smallest thought of leaving you??

Dead on! Its always about how you handle YOURSELF in these situations.

[hair2007]

[QUOTE=gmspitali]It is really weird reading these stories because everything that has been written here and similar stories shared like many are almost identical to mine in one way or another. I sometimes wonder, maybe the female species was meant to behave and act like this under the circumstances and events of the way we behaved in the relationship. It is like god or someone programmed from start for them to just leave and break up after everything we did for them (not to say we didn't have our faults). But all in all we weren't bad boyfriends, at least that's what I was told by others and even my ex. I don't know, sounds stupid but its just really peculiar and that is why there is so much confusion and disbelief in why they just left.[/QUOT

Not totally true, I'm a girl and my ex did this to me...