[jaymaze]

I've been dating a girl for 4 months, doesn't seem like a long time but it sure was. I'm 26 and she's 31... we started seeing each other right after she got out of a 5 year relationship in which she thought she was going to marry the guy... she actually says she finally cut the cord with him when she met me and realized what she had with me. Anyway, things took off between us right from day 1 and we connected on a level that neither of us have ever experienced before.

This relationship was truly AMAZING. We laughed, joked, had stupid secret handshakes, knew each other better than anyone, sacrificed for each other, spent all our free time together and were passionate beyond anything that can be explained. I truly believe that she is the one. We both had thoughts about moving in together and having a future together. We talked about future events and how we were going to find a way to work things out when I start law school next month. We got to the point where we were basically living together, spending 4 or 5 nights a week together.

The only problem was that she never could fully commit 100% because she was still emotionally scarred from her last relationship. I always told her that I thought she was worth it and id be there with her until she was ready. Well she recently went on a vacation to another country and came home and admitted she had met a guy there that she kissed. I forgave her for it because I knew her commitment issues and we moved on. However, last week I found out that she was still in contact with him behind my back and had even texted him calling him "baby" which was her little pet name for me. I was furious and walked out only to talk to her again 2 days later after I had calmed down.

She had no explanation for her actions except that she was scared of where we were headed and panicked. She has no feelings for him, he lives in a different country for godsakes and she doesn't even know him, but I guess it was sort of an outlet for her to get away from this commitment. The bigger issue is that she decided that she needs space to figure herself out. She admitted that I'm everything she's ever wanted and that she wants nothing more than to love me and be fully committed to me but she just can't bring herself to do it... she just claims that she has an emotional void that she needs to fill and that she needs to be alone to figure out who she is and what she wants... meaning ZERO contact with me whatsoever. Its absolutely tearing me up inside having to go from talking to her and being with her 24/7, to not being able to speak to her at all. I guess what makes it so hard is that I know she WANTS me in her life but she can't bring herself to take it. All she's ever wanted was to be married and have a family and she knew that with me she was headed in that direction. We're both putting ourselves through this miserable hell of not talking... we're both losing sleep... we're both walking around in a fog all day... why would she consciously choose to put us through this?

She admitted she's miserable and she WANTS to talk to me because she misses me so much but that this is the only solution she could come up with so she can't talk to me. Her head is telling her to take a break while her heart is telling her to be with me. I just want so badly to call her and talk to her about it but I don't want to impose upon her space. I feel like if she takes this time to herself she's just going to move on and its over between us. She refused to say goodbye because she feels like she just needs this opportunity to be alone and figure out if she's ready for a full commitment to me. We haven't spoken in days and I'm a complete mess. I know she needs space but isn't there another way? If she cares about me as much as she says she does why is she so willing to walk away and risk the possibility that she'll lose me forever?

[Haplo]

Because people need space to figure things out. Have some faith, she sounds like she has genuine feelings for you, but if you intrude on her now, you will make things worse. Just enjoy yourself, hang out with your buds and hold her in your heart. She'll figure out what she needs to do and then you'll be good to go.

[Michelle0410]

GIVE HER HER SPACE AND USE THE TIME FOR YOUR OWN GOOD AS WELL!!

I am sure you are scared of losing her, but worse if you don't give her what she ahs asked for you will continue to push her further away, and that's the last thing that you want to do I am sure. She very well may have gotten out of one relationship and jusped into another one entirley to fast and now she is a little nervous. Everyone needs a break at one time. I know it's hard, but it will get easier and if you are meant to be things will work out. If not let it go, and try to move on. If you were only together four months, it was still new, so of course it was still great. She just needs some time it sounds like, so try your best to give her as much space as possible... If anything she will realize how much she needs you too... You never know what have until you don't have it anymore. =) Hope things work out for you!!

[mckenzie134]

Tricky one. Maybe she's gone back to the ex??

[Copperhead6]

Sounds like a tough situation. People develop patterns and if she abandoned the first guy for you, the same thing just as likely could happen to you. Remember she was someone else's soul-mate before you came into the picture. The overseas thing is not a good sign at all and the fact that you forgave her so easily "because you are aware of her fear of attachment" is by no means acceptable. That just sets the bar at what is acceptable in your relationship. I could definitely see where u guys need to slow down, especially after she just jumped out of that last relationship and was spending 4 to 5 nights a week with you. I would almost guarantee she is not taking this near as hard as you are.

[jaymaze]

See the thing is that she actually is taking it hard... we have a mutual friend who introduced us who has told me that she's very upset and misses me and really wants to talk to me. Furthermore when we spoke a few days after breaking up she was in tears over the phone and had a very hard time saying goodbye.

When I told her I feel like this is goodbye forever she stated, "how do we know this is forever...i just need some time alone." I know she's not taking it very well so its hard to accept that she cares about me that much and misses me like crazy but still won't talk to me.

I guess I just need to wait until one of 2 things happens... either she will realize that I was the one for her and she'll come back and work things out or she will realize that she doesn't want me and it'll be over... im just a firm believer in going out and taking what you want as opposed to leaving it in the hands of fate.

[Canada_Sweety]

Just think about yourself... that's what a break is for...

[Ash123]

I've been there.

A past relationship can KILL even the best new one.

Solution: Be patient. Work on the friendship when its time.
Accept silence when she wants it.

4 months is not a lot of time but still significant to you. So, when she comes back just go slow... She may need a year to recover... And if you represent a potential life-mate already then you are in a tough spot: that is great! But it also means you are a nice guy... and women coming out of relationships want Fun guys... someone they can enjoy and take their mind off things - but walk away from guiltlessly like a sugar-free desert. But you don't want that...

Soooooo, hold the line. No flowers, Cards, texts, emails. But be nice and suggest something fun "when she's ready..." she will be. Hope it's worth the wait...

PS - break-ups are life's cruelest emotion... except for a fatality. Hang in there!

[wall12]

Just respect her desires. Whenever you push for anything, it tends to move away from you; therefore, give her the time she needs. Before you know it (hopefully) she'll realize how important you are to her and she'll come around. It's almost impossible that someone can just walk out of something so great and never come back. That said, you'll be fine. Focus on you and by the time she comes back, you'll realize that it was worth the wait. But one little advice: take it slow if things do work out with you two. It never was a good thing to just cut to the chase right away. Good luck!

[Canada_Sweety]

Just respect her desires. Whenever you push for anything, it tends to move away from you; therefore, give her the time she needs. Before you know it (hopefully) she'll realize how important you are to her and she'll come around. It's almost impossible that someone can just walk out of something so great and never come back. That said, you'll be fine. Focus on you and by the time she comes back, you'll realize that it was worth the wait. But one little advice: take it slow if things do work out with you two. It never was a good thing to just cut to the chase right away. Good luck!

Totally true!

[mckenzie134]

You must wait, no cvalls and hoppe for the best. Its really your best chance. Really no calls hope she calls!!

[jaymaze]

Some of the advice has been fantastic and very helpful... but let me add this now... last night she sends me a text message at 11:30pm that says nothing... so I write back?

She responds with, "sorry i was going to drunk text you but then i tried to stop it but i guess it went through anyway. if that makes any sense."

I wrote back "ok" and she wrote back "right"... THE END

I was so ready to not talk to her and give her space but now today all I want to do is call her and ask her what was up with last night's texts.

[talaniman]

You need to understand that she has unresolved issues with her last relationship, needs plenty of time to get over it, and you two moved way to fast. You have invested a lot of time, emotions into this in a very short time and now your paying the price. She needs a lot of time and space, so give it to her, and go back to what you where doing before you met her. She is not ready for what you want to give, so you need to back off and not pressure her and let her deal with her issues. Until she is healthier, she will never be happy and cannot give you a relationship like you want her to. I suspect it will take a long time for her to realise her other relationship is over and be able to let go and move on from it.

[jaymaze]

She claims to be completely over him and that I was NEVER a rebound... that she truly and genuinely cared for me and wanted a future with me... maybe I can't understand cause I've never been in her position before but I just find it so hard to believe that someone who is falling in love with someone else can walk away and risk losing that person forever...

I just can't figure out how one goes about "finding one's self" if all she's doing is thinking about me and missing me while we're apart... to me it feels like NC is meant for a dying relationship... not one that's just starting to blossom... I suppose that she's approaching it as "im 31, i need to make sure that im ready for this because its all or nothing now."

It must be a terrible feeling to know that you're loved and that you want to love that person back but can't find it within yourself.

[HaQueen]

Wow, your situation sounds a lot like me and my boyfriend. I actually was doing the same thing to my boyfriend, telling him we needed time away from each other so I can "think." Truth was, I was scarred of him committing to me so fully. As odd as that sounds, I've had not so good experiences with the guys I've dated and to meet a wonderful and committed guy like my boyfriend was almost too good to be true. I kept trying to get him to not like me anymore or give me the slightest sign that he was just like any other guy out there, but he never did. He was always true to me. Through time I came to realize that my problem (maybe like your girlfriend) was that I didn't let myself be vulnerable and open up to my boyfriend, for the possibility of getting hurt. On top of that, the fact that he wasn't like other guys I've met made me even more shut cause I thought "eventually" I would prove myslef right.

So what I'm trying to say is, do give your girlfriend some time to think all of this over with herself. She might be going through the same dilema I went through. When my boyfriend gave me time to think, I didn't stray away to other guys, in fact, I became closer to him and loved him EVEN MORE for respecting my wishes and being there for me. Good luck and don't sweat it, if you are true to her and love her and she IS worth it, she will come through.

[Geoffersonairplane]

People develop patterns

Very true. Patterns are common in people and I still have not quite worked out why they/we follow them. Perhaps a learned response to life situations. To respond to a similar situation by acting according to previous experiences. So life experiences and ways of behaving can have a knock on effect on future behavior/experiences.

Maybe that's why they say past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior.

[jaymaze]

I kept trying to get him to not like me anymore or give me the slightest sign that he was just like any other guy out there, but he never did. He was always true to me. Through time I came to realize that my problem (maybe like your girlfriend) was that I didn't let myself be vulnerable and open up to my bf, for the possibility of getting hurt.

Wow you're right our situations are exactly the same... she actually told me that she was scared of where we were headed and thought she was subconsciously trying to sabotage the relationship because she wasn't ready for it. She's admitted on numerous occasions that she can't open up to me because she never wants to get to the point where she was at with her ex where she would feel so hurt that shed just sit on the couch doing nothing, not eating, not sleeping, not wanting to talk to anyone... I guess it was her little way of testing me and when I turned out to be perfect for her she panicked and had to take a step back. Thanks for the advice!

[Sam86]

Here's the deal man. Give her all the time she needs. Reassure her that you truly mean to be with her for the rest of your life. When she finnaly talks to you again, be undrestanding... remember.. she is emotionaly scarred and the breakup hasn't been that long. Show her that you really mean it by being there for her and giving her time to think about it. She misses u, she wants to be with you and you love her like no-one before.(u said this urself). Be patient and understanding, not to mention caring.. relax.. and focus on accepting her as she is. If the 2 of you are meant to be together and you don't exaggerate and rush her into this, then you have nothing to worry about. REMEMBER:... patient, understanding, caring.. u love her with all your heart.. so give her space and reashure her about your feelings. She needs time to develop trust.. and faith in u. :P... best of luck... and ps... age has nothing to do with true love.. not to mention that the 2 of you get along very well. ;)

[jaymaze]

Its been a week since we broke up... we spoke on Tuesday and she said she needed space without contact. Then she drunk texted me on Thursday night and IMd me Friday morning to explain herself. Its now Sunday afternoon. My stomach is still in knots. I don't know if she feels the same way but I'm starting to worry that she's not thinking about me and is getting over it. Maybe I'm being paranoid but after an entire week of not talking after we used to talk 24/7, shouldn't she know by now if she wants to be with me? I mean, I know this week has totally reinforced the fact that I don't want anyone but her. I know I'm not supposed to rush her and I have to give her her time, but the more time that passes the more I feel like she's getting over it and moving on without me.

[talaniman]

That's pretty much the normal reaction to being on a break, jay. Wish I could ease the pain but I can only tell you to be patient for a little longer.