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tamieko2 · Jul 26, 2007, 09:51 AM

My sister is 28 yrs. Old one child 7 months old. She is married to a mild mentally retarded man who also has autisim. She is develop mentally delayed with an IQ of 80 so she is relatively normal. They have been married 9 yrs. He has always been abusive, hitting, yelling etc. she has filed several police reports, he has been locked up but let go every time. She has filed restraining orders but he violates them, she lost custody of their first child because of his violent temper. She then had another child with him when they were trying to work things out. The child services told her if he was not out of the home permanently she would lose her current child too, so she is moving out of state to be by me, she is a good mother but very afraid of him. He has cheated on her with prositutes and contracted genital herpes as a result, she has not slept with him in over 6 months. She does not have the disease and wants out of the marriage, but he says it's not over till he says it is. He does not know she is leaving or where she will be. She wants to file for sole custody in case he does find her so he can't steal their daughter. She can't file divorce till she has lived here 6 months. Can you tell me anything she can do to protect herself and her child? He is also a bad drug addict (crack) I don't know if there are any laws on divorcing mentally retared people or not but if so I need to know. I am on the lease at her new apt since I am in control of her finances so if he does come here, I can get him away from the apt. he is not sooo retared he don't know what he is doing, he is not downs syndrome or anything like that. His IQ is 67. ( PLEASE do not reply if you are going to go off on her situation, I need ligitimate help for her not moral judgement. )

bushg · Jul 26, 2007, 10:03 AM

You really need to contact a woman's abuse group in her area and explain the situation to them. Since she is married to him , and he has the same rights to the child as her things could get stickey. I would also have her get all of the police reports and restraining orders, court records copies if I were you, before she leaves the state. Maybe she needs to file for custody and stay in a temporary shelter before she makes her leave, just to make sure she is not breaking the law. Believe me they will help her. He will not know where she is at if she chooses to go there. They will send a cab to pick her up and bring them to their locaton and if necessary a police escort to escort her from the home. This man is not God and can be dealt with! He does not have say so over another human whether married to them or not! Good Luck to you and your sister

NowWhat · Jul 26, 2007, 11:53 AM

I would also like to point out that Children services has told her that if he is not out of the house - the child will be taken away. So, I wouldn't worry that he could come in and take the child once she is moved. I would imagine the court wouldn't allow it - especially if children services backs up your sister.

Is there any way to get the other child back?

tamieko2 · Jul 26, 2007, 01:47 PM

No unfortunately she was taken 2 yrs. Ago and my parents fought for her and won! Now my sister and him have to give up there parental rights to her and my parents are adopting her today is the hearing actually. She is in good hands and my sister knows that, she is able to see her too, so on that end it is OK. It has already been established by the court he is unfit, he even showed up to one hearing loaded so as far as him being able to take her legally, he can't, but she is not aware of her rights and his constant threats make her fear for the child so that is why getting her out is nessesary. She will be safe here with me, I just want to see how we should go about filing some sort of document to give her full legal custody since a divorce cannot be filed yet? She needs something in place to protect her rights as her mother.

NowWhat · Jul 26, 2007, 10:07 PM

The way I have understood it - if there is nothing in place, saying she can't take the child anywhere - then as her mother, she can go and take the child. If you have an attorney - they could file an emergency temporary custody order. It would be in place until the final papers are done.

tamieko2 · Jul 27, 2007, 07:42 AM

No there is nothing in place saying she cannot take the baby and move, and I do not believe any judge in his/her right mind would grant the father custody because of his history. He can be crazy sometimes I am just worried he will find out where she is and follow her so I need to get something in place for her as soon as possible? Do you know if legal aid would help her with any of this? Also can she get a legal separation until she files for divorce or does he have to agree to that?

LearningAsIGo · Jul 27, 2007, 07:45 AM

I doubt marriage/divorce laws are any different for the mentally retarded as for anyone else. Since she fears for her safety, file a restraining order if she hasn't already. At least then something is recorded by the police department along with his arrests. This will also be noted if any custody issues come to light later down the road.

As bushg mentioned, contact a women's shelter. They can recommend lawyers or other resources to help you both protect against his abuse. The police can escort her or restrain him while she leaves.

Good luck to you all... I'll be thinking/praying for you!

bushg · Jul 27, 2007, 07:48 AM

If she will go to a shelter they will help her with everything I urge you to contact these people. They will even escort her to court .

tamieko2 · Jul 27, 2007, 08:18 AM

We have already called a shelter, they are full right now and said she would have to wait a few weeks, so that is why she is coming here with me, she already has an apartment here I rented for her so she will be fine in leaving, believe me we exhausted every option before we choose this as the way to go. Right now it is just a matter of filing the paperwork.

bushg · Jul 27, 2007, 08:31 AM

Call legal aide and see if someone will advise you. The problem with them is usually they are back logged with cases. Also call domestic court and see if someone can advise you of what should be done and how to do it. I really wish you all the best.

tamieko2 · Jul 27, 2007, 08:46 AM

Thanks. I was wondering, I saw online a do it yourself divorce kit are those worth it or is her case to complex for that?

bushg · Jul 27, 2007, 08:51 AM

I think he would have to agree to everything. I worked with a girl that did that. Hubby was a police officer and his tight A$$ did not want to give her anything, so she agreed just to get away from his crazy a$$.

NowWhat · Jul 27, 2007, 09:20 AM

I actually ordered a "do it yourself" kit - when my husband and I were considering divorce. Don't waste your money. They are really hard to understand and something could easily be missed.

tamieko2 · Jul 27, 2007, 06:52 PM

Well yesterday, he did not show up to the adoption hearing so my sis was the only one who signed her rights to the first child away, they told her she has to tell him she is leaving or it will be considered kidnapping. He was sent to a mental institution the same day for walking around the neighborhood screamming at himself and beating himself in the head! She is getting copies of all the police reports on him and the court gave my mom a form that says the first child was removed due to his violence, so she is using all of that in getting full custody.

Canada_Sweety · Jul 27, 2007, 08:10 PM

W0W... sounds like she is pretty much set.:) I realllllly hope things work out for her.

bushg · Jul 28, 2007, 05:48 AM

Tamekio2 I am glad to see things moving forward. You are a good sister. Be proud of yourself. I am sure that this has been a long hard road just in helping her to get to this point in her life.

tamieko2 · Jul 28, 2007, 08:23 AM

Thanks I try, I have been protecting her my whole life, my mother wants nothing to do with the situation anymore and I have 5 other siblings that have always turned a blind eye where she is concerned, it makes me sick I am the only one looking out for her, she has made some aweful decisions but that is no reason to turn your back on family. She has been through hell the last few yrs. First with losing her daughter to the state and then losing her second child to SIDS last year, she just wants to do right by this one and be a good mom, that is all she has ever wanted was a family of her own, for so many yrs. Everyone told her she could not do it, she was too slow to have a child but in my opionion, just because someone is handicapped does not mean they don't have the same rights and privledges as the rest of us.