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paunash · Jul 24, 2007, 01:13 PM

I am married woman with two children. My marriage is falling apart for many years already, but I keep it because of my children. Few months ago my co-worker said that he is in love with me for two years and he can't keep quite about it anymore. He has family too and two children younger than mine. We started to see each other, and it seems we both enjoy. But I know that he won't leave his family, neither will I. I am really confused sometimes and feel guilty, but I am happy at the same time. Can somebody give any advise, please. Thank you

shygrneyzs · Jul 24, 2007, 01:23 PM

You stay together because of the children? So you use defenseless children as your shield? Don't you feel even a twinge of guilt? My advice is to get a divorce. Your children will survive. You will survive and your husband can at least be free of a cheating spouse. Or are you afraid of what will happen when your husband finds out? Are you afraid of what you stand to lose? If you are that miserable and unhappy in the marriage then you need to at least have an honest conversation with your husband and try marriage counseling. Most marriages can be saved - but it does take two to save it. If you do not want to go through counseling, then do the right thing here and get out of the marriage.

You are not doing your husband or your children ANY favors by living a double type of life. I do not feel sorry for you, I have no pity for you. I can understand if you do not love your husband but what excuse is that to run into another man's arms and be the "other woman" and him be the "other man"? You are not even being honest with yourself here.

What is this man's excuses for not leaving his marriage? Is he using his children too as the reason for staying? If so, how pitiful. You know most children whose parents stay in a loveless and unhappy marriage already know the score and do not appreciate being "the reason" their parents stay together. It is like, "don't do us any favors by staying."

Actually you two most likely deserve each other. You cheat, he cheats, and what a grand basis for a relationship.

Fr_Chuck · Jul 24, 2007, 05:13 PM

IF you are sleeping with other people other than your husband, leave him, he deserves better

stonewilder · Jul 24, 2007, 06:47 PM

You should feel guilty 'cause you are guilty... it's called adultery. If you're not happy enough in your marriage to keep your legs closed to other men then get a divorce and go find a man that 's not already taken.

touji-za-nai · Jul 24, 2007, 08:57 PM

That's pathetic.. I'm sorry if that's harsh, but grow the f.. ck up. You are not some teen anymore, you have kids to look after!

YOU TWO ARE BEING SELFISH, IT ISN'T ALL ABOUT YOU. Have you given any thought to how this might effect your children!

modular01 · Jul 24, 2007, 08:59 PM

Originally Posted by paunash

I am married woman with two children. My marriage is falling apart for many years already, but I keep it because of my children. Few months ago my co-worker said that he is in love with me for two years and he can't keep quite about it anymore. He has family too and two children younger than mine. We started to see each other, and it seems we both enjoy. But I know that he won't leave his family, neither will I. I am really confused sometimes and feel guilty, but I am happy at the same time. Can somebody give any advise, please. Thank you

I seriously had to slap my forehead after reading this. Either work your marriage out, or end it. Don't drag things out. Quit lying to yourself and your family. Same goes for him.

Pook_Myster · Jul 24, 2007, 09:49 PM

Children learn by example... and children are far from stupid. They see your relationship with your husband and they use it later in life as an indicator as to what is 'normal'. You are teaching them that it is 'normal' and 'right' to stay in a loveless marriage, and further to that, you are teaching them that it is OK to find satisfaction in the arms of another (who is also married... don't let me start on you with that one!).

To say that you are staying for the sake of your children is probably the reason that our society experiences divorce rates as we do! You are only growing the next generation of adultrous adults - and nobody should be proud of that.

modular01 · Jul 25, 2007, 03:08 PM

Originally Posted by modular01

I seriously had to slap my forehead after reading this. Either work your marriage out, or end it. Don't drag things out. Quit lying to yourself and your family. Same goes for him.

Anyone that was in this situation will tell you the same thing (if they were smart enough to get out of it); it was selfish, against the vow of marriage that they made, ignorant to their children's and spouses feelings, etc.

Disagree with me all you want, but let me ask you this... if the roles were reversed and your husband was cheating on you, wouldn't you be hurt? If he said he was going one place, and wound up with another woman, sleeping with them, spending quality time with them, when you thought that they were faithful, wouldn't you be crushed?

startover22 · Jul 25, 2007, 04:57 PM

Blah Blah blah!! Is this another MsME post? Don't you guys remember what we all wasted our time on. I will keep reading in though!

My advice would be to leave your husband, tell him to leave his wife then give up the kids and go be selfish somewhere else sweety. Poor babies.

dcole · Jul 26, 2007, 03:57 PM

Okay, Paunash, I'm in the same boat as you... I have 2 kids, married 12 years, to a wonderful man who's my friend... but it isn't really enough. Our sex life has dwindled for many years and so now I'm having a sexual (not emotional) affair with a married man who also has children. I thought that this would fulfill me somehow. Of course, it hasn't - trying to have a "friend with benefits" with no emotional attachment was my plan but I'm fooling myself. I been doing a lot of soul searching and reading lots of helpful blogs here and I've ended this relationship that is proving to be destructive not only to my family but myself. I'm not really interested in people's harsh judgements - I know what I've done is wrong.

My question to anyone who cares to reply is: I never plan on telling him about this affair... I don't want to cause any more pain. I think that revealing the truth to my husband would just be a release for me because I'm positive he would forgive me... but would harm him more. You might think I'm just being selfish and trying to 'get away with it' but honestly, I don't want to hurt him. Soooo... do you think this is fair to him? or do you think he deserves to know the truth?

startover22 · Jul 26, 2007, 04:01 PM

Hmmmmm, I wouldn't want my husband to tell me... If I found out well, there would be hell to pay and he knows I would leave him! I think keeping it from him is a good idea, but I hope you can keep it, it would be devastating if he found out. Not only to his little heart but to yours when you find out that he has more of a backbone than you think! Good luck and thanks for stopping the relationship. Good for you sweet!

dcole · Jul 26, 2007, 04:20 PM

Originally Posted by startover22

Hmmmmm, I wouldn't want my husband to tell me...If i found out well, there would be hell to pay and he knows i would leave him!! I think keeping it from him is a good idea, but I hope you can keep it, it would be devastating if he found out. Not only to his little heart but to yours when you find out that he has more of a backbone than you think!! Good luck and thanks for stopping the relationship. Good for you sweet!

Thanks - I do appreciate the reply. And yes, my husband does have a backbone. I didn't mean to imply he doesn't.

talaniman · Jul 27, 2007, 08:38 AM

Do you not realise that instead of making a decision with your own marriage, you have chosen the easy way out, and the selfish way to solve your problems. Your unhappiness and inability to deal with your own situation, has made you vulnerable for the quick fix happiness, this other cheater offers you. You will never be happy or fulfilled as long as you put off your main problem( your marriage) for a band aid for your feelings( your affair). Get smart and take care of your business and either make a commitment to work on your marriage or end it. That simple and don't think this maried guy will be anything but a distraction to doing the right thing for you and your children. Make better choices. Not easy but you see the easy way is painful, miserable, and totally dishonest.

dcole · Jul 27, 2007, 10:54 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Do you not realise that instead of making a decision with your own marriage, you have chosen the easy way out, and the the selfish way to solve your problems. Your unhappiness and inability to deal with your own situation, has made you vulnerable for the quick fix happiness, this other cheater offers you. You will never be happy or fullfilled as long as you put off your main problem( your marriage) for a band aid for your feelings( your affair). Get smart and take care of your business and either make a commitment to work on your marriage or end it. That simple and don't think this maried guy will be anything but a distraction to doing the right thing for you and your children. Make better choices. Not easy but you see the easy way is painful, miserable, and totally dishonest.

Thank you for your reply. I agree and have already come to your same conclusion. My decision to have a sexual affair was stupid, selfish, immature and hurtful. I realise that my affair has only made life more complicated and that it is was my stupid way of trying to fix what is lacking in my own relationship. I have lots to consider but I am on the road to working on my marriage and figuring out what I really want... I'm just confused about what it is that I want.

But my main question really was whether my husband has the right to know about it or if I should keep my mouth shut to prevent the pain it will cause him and causing even more damage. I picture so many people rolling their eyes thinking that I just don't want to get caught - but honestly I'd like to (finally) do the right thing.

startover22 · Jul 27, 2007, 11:30 AM

The right decision in my opinion is to be quiet, love him as much as you can. Since you have children, you made a choise the day the first one was born to STICK IT OUT! First an affair, then a divorce, no, you need to work on some issues and one of them is keeping your family together. I think that should be more of a priority in more people.

08023899045 · Jul 27, 2007, 11:48 AM

Originally Posted by paunash

I am married woman with two children. My marriage is falling apart for many years already, but I keep it because of my children. Few months ago my co-worker said that he is in love with me for two years and he can't keep quite about it anymore. He has family too and two children younger than mine. We started to see each other, and it seems we both enjoy. But I know that he won't leave his family, neither will I. I am really confused sometimes and feel guilty, but I am happy at the same time. Can somebody give any advise, please. Thank you

It will do you a lot of good to repent and sin no more with your co worker. Concentrate on what is tearing your home apart and try as much as you can to mend fences.

inthebox · Jul 27, 2007, 01:26 PM

Originally Posted by dcole

Okay, Paunash, I'm in the same boat as you ... I have 2 kids, married 12 years, to a wonderful man who's my friend ... but it isn't really enough. our sex life has dwindled for many years and so now i'm having a sexual (not emotional) affair with a married man who also has children. i thought that this would fulfill me somehow. Of course, it hasn't - trying to have a "friend with benefits" with no emotional attachment was my plan but i'm fooling myself. i been doing a lot of soul searching and reading lots of helpful blogs here and i've ended this relationship that is proving to be destructive not only to my family but myself. i'm not really interested in people's harsh judgements - i know what i've done is wrong.

my question to anyone who cares to reply is: i never plan on telling him about this affair ... i don't want to cause any more pain. i think that revealing the truth to my husband would just be a release for me because i'm positive he would forgive me ... but would harm him more. you might think i'm just being selfish and trying to 'get away with it' but honestly, i don't want to hurt him. soooo .... do you think this is fair to him? or do you think he deserves to know the truth?

If he knows the truth, he is in denial.
If he doesn't, he is blissfully ignorant.
Which one is it? because if he knows the truth, you might as well come clean.
If he does not know, would you be telling him to relieve your own conscience ?

If he does not know, and you have not cheated since and never ever want to again [ good for you, everyone makes mistakes, just learn from them ], don't tell him.
Just my opinion. Been there.

Grace and Peace

talaniman · Jul 27, 2007, 01:40 PM

If you haven't ended the affair do so and put it behind you and work on putting your own house in order. Shoulsdyour husband know what's going on. Yes he does, and I realise the consequences of him finding out. You can live with lies and guilt, or pay the cost for your infidelity. Your call.

startover22 · Jul 27, 2007, 01:49 PM

True, living with guilt can kill. Fessing up might just be the best thing if you think he can handle it. It sure is your call. Just like Talaniman is saying... get your house in order!

Canada_Sweety · Jul 27, 2007, 03:11 PM

Of course you're feeling guilty, what else would you be feeling? He's your husband and if your marriage is falling appart, go to marriage couniling. Don't go for a romp in the sack with a co-worker.
Try confessing to him what you have been doing. And if he asks for a divorce... give it to him, because no one deserves their spouse rolling around in the sheets with another person.