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Powerhouse13 · Jul 22, 2007, 07:58 AM

I am a 33 year old mom of three kids, 7 yo twins and an 8 yo. We moved to a new state after going through a very difficult year-long divorce from their father (we were married for 13 years)

I started dating someone I'd been communicating with on line for about 3 months and met after he moved to my city. This is the first man I have dated since the divorce. I admit I made a horrible mistake by not allowing us to get to know each other "in the flesh" before moving forward with introducing him to my kids as my boyfriend and even having him sleep over.

This is harder for me because I don't have trouble meeting men who want to date me. But I felt a great connection with this person that is just not there now. In addition, he wants to commit but his actions prove otherwise. I wonder if he is feeling the same thing. He is a great man, who is very nice to my kids and his a great person, there is just no connection between us. The fact that I've met people I would like to date prove to me just that.

Now I'm ready to break it off, but I'm having a tough time dealing with how the children may feel about it. They like him and I hate the fact I'm ending this so soon after the children have met him - its been less than a month!

Any advice? Believe me I know, lesson learned.

Thanks,

Powerhouse

s_cianci · Jul 22, 2007, 08:06 AM

Since it's been less than a month I doubt that your kids have grown that attached to him. The problem may not be so much the timing as far as introducing him to your kids but whether you're really ready to date at all yet. How long have you been divorced? Are the kids continuing to stay in contact with their father? Recovering from a 13-year marriage and divorce doesn't happen overnight. Until that happens you won't be able to date others successfully. You may have to wait several years before you're ready to contemplate another relationship.

talaniman · Jul 22, 2007, 11:15 AM

The more quick the better you end this as I doubt you have given yourself a chance to heal and need to take time. As Cianci has said it may be a long time before the emotions of you divorce finally settle down.

chuff · Jul 22, 2007, 01:46 PM

You should just end it now.

More then that how insulting is it to your children that you just divorced there father and are now dating again? I think they should be your priority with no other men in your life. After 13 years and now dating again you are not doing them, the men, or yourself any favors until you learn a little more about yourself and what you want out of your own life and help your children through this period.

Powerhouse13 · Jul 22, 2007, 04:26 PM

To clarify, we separated a year ago and just settled on the divorce. Yes, the ink is still wet. My ex has introduced the children to his girlfriends in the past; even though I disagreed with it, he may have been doing it in an attempt to spite me. Unfortunately I was in a very abusive situation.

I agree, I lived under the ex's shadow during the duration of the marriage. I still don't know myself; if that makes any sense. I still have a lot to learn about who I am and get over the past.

I broke it off with the boyfriend earlier today and he was upset but said he understood and wanted to be friends. Whatever that means, I don't think I can be just friends with someone with whom I've been intimate with; but again, I am still learning and coping with this situation.

As far as the children and their contact with their father, I'm saddened to say that after the move he has not kept in touch with them much. He went through stages where he lost contact with them for months at a time. Towards the end he saw them more and more often, but as I mentioned, since the move his calls are rare. Fortunately the children have adapted extremely well to the move and are very happy.

Thanks for all of your advice. Best regards.