[Death_Maniac]

How do I become comfortable around girls I like enough to be able to ask them out? I feel paranoid around them and don't know what to do. I need serious help!!

[wallabee4]

If you were a girl, would YOU go out with YOU? If so, WHY? If not, WHY NOT?
Weird question, yes, but here's the gist: Focus less on the girls and more on YOU. Yes, that is hard but spend some quiet time alone and maybe make a list for yourself of what you really like to do, what makes you YOU, what defines you, what you haven't done but would like to do (I don't mean 'get a girlfriend') and then DO those things. At the same time, maybe make a list of your bad habit (like watch TV and eat when you're bored. Or maybe smoking or something else you can really take a hard look at yourself and make the decision today to get rid of those bad habits once and for all. REPLACE them with another better habit (you decide what) Then work on excelling at those things that make you YOU. Just do it for one day. Then wake up the NEXT day and just do it for ONE day. Then the next. Eventually you will be having so much fun simply enjoying your life that you won't keep focusing on getting a girl and then you will be surprised how the girls come to you. But, it's NOT magic. 2 more things you need to do are: 1. decide every time you walk into a new group of people who are already interacting without you that you will just choose the first person you see (male or female) and say, "Hi, my name is ___. What's your name?" Let's say it's a guy named Steve. Thereafter you say something like, "Steve, followed by a question" For instance, if you've come into a group of guys skate boarding, you say Steve, I don't know much about skateboarding can you tell me how I'd get started?" Or maybe you've come upon a political rally with a speaker on the podium, you could say, "Steve, I just got here, would you mind filling me in on what he has said so far?" The key is find out the person's name, repeat it in a sentence so you remember it, and then ask them about something that obviously interests them. (People--even girls--love to talk about themselves.) The next key is listening and actually being interested in the person. Don't be fake, though. But take an interest in other people and later you will be surprised as they turn around and take an interest in you. Maybe Steve tells you about skateboarding and you say, "Hey, thanks a lot. You know, I don't know skateboarding, but I do karate, do you do any karate?" and Steve might say, no, but maybe he'd ask you about karate.

I think if you imagine such a scenario with a male friend it's probably easy for you to see how t he conversation just happens. In truth, the same conversation can happen with a female, too. It's all up to you. Attitude and confidence begins with knowing YOU are interesting and that YOU have something to share with another person--be it a listening ear or your many personal talents

[s_cianci]

Confidence is key. Be able to love yourself and accept yourself just the way you are. Don't feel like you have to go out of your way for them or be something you're not. And don't ever do something that's not normally in your nature just because you think it'll please them.

[Death_Maniac]

How do I become comfortable around girls I like enough to be able to ask them out? I feel paranoid around them and don't know what to do. I need serious help!!!

Thanks guys, I read this when I could and thought about it an tried to change my ac;sortof it worked but kind of left me even more confused.I need to figure out a way to make myself feel accepted. Any tips?

[raggablue]

Are you a dale carnegie fan by any chance wallabe? Wise words and it works 4 out of 5 times you'll get along just talking about them... but with the 5th you get slapped

[tylkrn]

How do I become comfortable around girls I like enough to be able to ask them out? I feel paranoid around them and don't know what to do. I need serious help!!!

All you need to do is act like yourself. If they don't like you for who you are then they aren't worth it. You are you and you shouldn't have to change yourself for anyone. I have been in a similar stitution but I'm a female and they are males.

[wallabee4]

I'll try to give you a real life example of what I mean.
I WAS exactly where YOU Are now. In fact, probably worse, as my entire family life was anti-social. My first real break to make my own life happy was when I went away to college and I failed completely. I tried to be something I wasn't. I wasn't taking any real risks, I was just doing what everyone else was doing and trying to FIT IN. When I graduated and realized I'd wasted that 4 years of my life, too, I got a job and my own apartment and then tried AGAIN. When you are all alone in your own apartment I guess it can actually be easier--but I'm not saying YOU have to wait THAT LONG. You can learn from my mistakes. The effort I was able to make on my own was different from being influenced by what I saw around me at school. When I just sat all by myeslf and thought about what do I WANT in life--what will make me happy--I didn't just answer it with: Friends or a boyfriend. I realized that to be happy I wanted to be strong, fit, and I wanted to feel important. I started by taking up running. Nobody guided me, nobody saw me do it. It was a satisfaction solely for MYSELF. I started not being able to run even one mile. But I set goals for myself, and my 1st goal was THAT MILE. After I made that goal, I set another. 2 MILES. Then the 'high' I got off being happy with my own accomplishments kind of fueled my next steps. (So, I'd say, first off, what GOALS are you setting for yourself? And are they goals that YOU have the power to make happen, or are you relying upon OTHER people and what they do or don't do for YOUR happiness? Tell us your goals!) I decided to walk right up to my local volunteer firehouse and join. I did. I was scared, and certainly did NOT fit in. (I'm a girl) But I was eager simply to learn. I didn't go at it wanting to make new friends I wanted really to learn how to become a firefighter. I became VERY GOOD at listening so I could be of some real help at a scene, not standing around not knowing what to do. THAT, I realized was the next big thing: listening. Because, frankly I (and you now) both have a lot to learn. And it sure helps to LISTEN. I made a LOT of effort. It wasn't easy. But, again, setting goals for myself made me stick with it. Maybe if someone had told me you HAVE to do this I wouldn't have. But I was driving myself because I really wanted it. Then my own wanting it just naturally helped me form friendships. And once you have friendships, relationships just become a natural part of that process. Nobody wants to be alone (remember Tom Hanks with 'Wilson' in the movie Castaway?) Another thing I noticed about myself was that when I was in colege trying to be what I really wasn't, I was often critical of things--tv shows, waitresses, people in line ahead of me. That turned off a lot of people--even the few friends I had made there suddenly told me they didn't want to be my friends anymore because of how I was. That was a wake up call... I realized I was criticizing others the way I felt the world was critical and unaccepting of me. But When I got comfortable with myself I noticed I was more accepting of others, too. I felt accepted and now I was also more accepting. I would think that the paranoia you feel is really just your own perspective. What do YOU REALLY THINK about YOURSELF? If you feel unworthy of a girlfriend, then fix that first. I know it's not what you want to hear, but a lifetime of happiness awaits the sooner you get started.

[wallabee4]

I just re-read my answer and I've decided that it may have helped me, but it probably didn't help YOU, Death_maniac. So, help me help YOU. Tell me:

What are 3 things you are really good at (not including being really good at being uncomfortable around girls)
What is 1 thing you would list as a shortcoming in yourself? (not including being uncomfortable around girls)
What is 1 thing you don't know how to do that you would really like to learn how to do?(other than talk to girls)

From that, let me chat with you and give you more specific direction.

[EuRa]

Wallabee is giving awesome advice. I can't touch that.

One thing I did, was I found a girl that was above and beyond me. I didn't really like her, but she was amazingly attractive. I knew I was going to be rejected, so that's why I asked her out. She looked at me, smiled, even rolled her eyes a little, looked around, then asked "are you serious?" I smiled back, and nerviously I said "only if you say yes". She laughed, she said "noooo.. noooo im sorry", a pause, then she said "thats funny though". I responded "i tried", and that was it. After my first rejection, it wasn't so bad.

After that, I wasn't afraid of rejection again. I'm sure it's happened a lot, but I've also had a great deal of success once I lost that fear of rejection.

[Death_Maniac]

For walla:
1)Helping people with problems of life, living up to being a psychiatrist, and P.E. (sports)
2)whats a shortcoming?
3)speak other languages (french, arabic, and danish)

[Death_Maniac]

For EuRa: I don't have the guts to do that; wish I did but I don't!!

[Death_Maniac]

To EuRa:
I don't have the guts to do that!!

[Death_Maniac]

Sorry 'bout the double answer

[wallabee4]

for walla:
1)Helping people with problems of life, living up to being a psychiatrist, and P.E. (sports)
2)whats a shortcoming?
3)speak other languages (french, arabic, and danish)

Shortcoming is a flaw. Something that's wrong with you. Something you can turn your attention to to improve in yourself that will take your mind off your inability with girls. A positive step in one directly can work magic in your life. And as you build that positive turn in your life, you might just surprise yourself and see your confidence build with girls without you directly even working on THAT problem. Kind of like, let's say you have severe acne. You see a good dematologist and get it cleared up. Boom. Your confidence with girls goes way up when you aren't worrying about your acne. Same can be said of some other thing about yourself that bohers YOU about yourself. Remove it (if possible) and see your uncomfortableness also get removed.

Or let's say you are perfect as you are with no shortcomings. Then reach beyond who you are today and better yourself even beyond that. Go shopping for a gift for a surprise gift for someone important in your life--your mom, a teacher, your little brother, I don't care, but be sure you get somehting thoughtful and for no reason other than to tell them you're glad they are in your life--then go shop in several stores before you buy and make a point of asking attractive sales girls about your age for help. You have a positive mission to perform and while you are in that moment of positiveness you should find it easy to talk to a sales girl and they will probably be very eager to help you find just that RIGHT gift. You won't find a girlfriend, maybe, but you will get lots of practice talking to pretty girls. And in a moment in which YOU are the grand marshal of really wonderful human beings--because, after all, who does that? Buys a gift for someone as a surprise 'I appreciate you in my life gift'? Even if it's not your style, make it your style for just one day. Imagine making someone's day. That feels cool. And in doing so, you can carry that cool feeling into talking to the sales girls.

Focus on what you want to learn: what would happen if you found a place to take a class in a foreign language? Or simply run an ad in a personals column stating that you are looking for someone to teach you one of those languages--arrange to meet potential respondents in a public place like a coffee shop or library for your own protection. And, if you can't afford a fee, figure out what you could barter. Maybe advertise you want to trade being a personal trainer (if you are qualified) for french lessons? Or maybe not quite so formal--trade that you will be a work out partner for someone who needs a partner to motivate them. Sure, maybe you'll get an overweight french person to respond. Who cares? The point is, you'll learn french. And by learning french, you will take your mind off your inability with girls. Then, you will probably surprise yourself someday you will be feeling particularly confident in your french and you will say something (nice) to a pretty girl in french... Takes the burden off that opening line...

You say you are good at sports. Can you coach or ask to learn how to coach by helping the existing coach of a girls softball team? Basketball team? Do you know something well enough to teach an informal class? Is it something females would be interested in? If so, dive right into your worst nightmare and call up your local gym and offer to teach the class for free. Perhaps by doing what you do best you can quell your shyness around the females. See if your area has a 'Contact ' helpline. Take the training to become a phone volunteer. Perhaps by helping others and simply listening to others in this human condtion who have uneasiness similar to yours you can discover what to do about yours. Volunteer for Habitat for Humanity if that is your style. Maybe if you get into it you can use that volunteerism as your 'opening line' with females. Notice a girl who seems to be nice and athletic and remark that maybe she would be good at helping build the house you are helping with and as she replies to that remark, invite her to come build with you. Volunteer at a shelter or food bank and again ask the girls to join you.

I apologize to all, I'm not feeling well tonight and am being probably wordier than usual I hope I have been helpful to Death Maniac, as I haven't been much at self-editing and staying focused this evening...

[Delow84]

Wallabee id have to agree with you 100%. I didn't even realize how much of your advice I was already actually doing in my life, and in truth it really does help. :)

[Death_Maniac]

OMG... thanks for the help but wats funny is I'm actually trying to learn french and hopefully danish and arabic... random, yes, but... you know.

If you could help anymore I would be SO grateful(on top of how much I already am)

[cozyk]

If you go up to a girl and ask if she would like to go out and she says "no", Just reply with "me neither" and walk away. That puts them back in their place .

[FallenFromGrace]

Are you just shy around women or are you "I think I need to go throw up now" freaked out around women? Shy is cute, barfing not. If your barfing we need to work on that.

[Simple Asian]

well first you need to be confident and be comfortable about yourself first... if you don't like yourself no one will like you ^^>..

as a matter of fact.. dont try.. dont even try to get girls attention ^^... just be cool about yourself and be yourself... things will come to you when you are you >>^^

best wishes

[Death_Maniac]

Hey fallen, its actually sort of in the middle of those but the barfing is a little much;
I just get kind of scared when I'm around them and don even know what I'm doing.
(I think scitsophrenia is coming on to me)