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staremonkey · Jul 16, 2007, 05:55 AM

This is not a question. I want to thank everyone for their wonderful advice and emotional support and to provide an update. (I am new to Ask Me so if there is another way to give a follow up to an original question you guys will tell me I'm sure). But if you responded to 7 year affair just revealed here is where I am now. I found out that he most likely broke off the 7 year affair ( or the other woman got tired of being strung along) but at any rate the 7 year fling is over probably in May of this year. Last week I discovered a current affair involving a woman on his job. She is 27, remember he is 54. I called the husband of his current whore and dropped the bomb on her marriage. But guess what? He is furious that I could be so mean as to mess up somebody's marriage like that. So needless to say I am no longer indecisive. I am definitely out of here but as you can imagine there is a mountain of financial and property entanglements to be worked out. I will not walk away without a penny less than what I am entitled. I see now that he may be a narcissistic personality type who has no feelings for anyone outside of himself. My mission is to leave on a high note. Whoever ends up with him will live to regret it. I have so much to look forward to, a fresh new beginning is mine, and I love myself enough to not look back.
Thank you everyone so much.

bushg · Jul 16, 2007, 07:07 AM

Good Luck to you. Remember that he may try to win you back. Too often men like him enjoy the thrill of an affair and the stablity of a wife at home. He may also feel that you are not entitled to 1/2 of the assets. Greed for his personal comfort and monetary entitlment may take over so beware, he may try to schmooz his way back into your good graces.

staremonkey · Jul 16, 2007, 07:30 AM

Originally Posted by bushg

Good Luck to you. Remember that he may try to win you back. Too often men like him enjoy the thrill of an affair and the stablity of a wife at home. He may also feel that you are not entitled to 1/2 of the assets. Greed for his personal comfort and monetary entitlment may take over so beware, he may try to schmooz his way back into your good graces.

You are absolutely right. He thinks I am rushing to judgement in wanting to end the marriage. He does not have the emotional maturity to accept the fact that I would not want him on whatever terms, how could I possibly live without him seems to be his outlook. But I am not looking back. He underestimated my ability to reach out and create a support base for myself, he was sure that my need for privacy and a sense of shame would make me stay and suffer. But I am fool proof now, his spell has been broken.

NowWhat · Jul 16, 2007, 02:38 PM

So, he had a 7 year affair with one woman and then another on the side? Wow, you are definitely justified in leaving.
Get a good lawyer and take what is rightfully yours.
Good luck.

Now that a decision has been made - do you feel like a weight has been lifted?

Inspired · Jul 16, 2007, 05:24 PM

Im so happy for you that you found the strength to leave him. Make sure you sue his for everything he's worth!

Inspired · Jul 16, 2007, 05:26 PM

Here is a question, did you see the signs of his personality? I mean you were with him for 30 years, was he uncaring and did he act like a jerk? Did you ever feel like he was cheating before too? I applaud you for getting out of such a bad situation.

startover22 · Jul 16, 2007, 09:23 PM

Good girl.. Start fresh, get to know who you really are. Take good care and remember you are stronger for having to go through this. Good luck, many hugs to you when you might need one... "Startover"

staremonkey · Jul 17, 2007, 05:16 AM

Originally Posted by Inspired

Here is a question, did you see the signs of his personality? I mean you were with him for 30 years, was he uncaring and did he act like a jerk? Did you ever feel like he was cheating before too? I applaud you for getting out of such a bad situation.

That is the thing that I will never get over. He was the perfect husband in many ways. My biggest complaint was "he won't pick up after himself". He was feely, touchy, and affectionate with me and always wanted to cuddle and just lay in the bed. I thought up until the day I discovered the affair that nothing on earth could break us up. I was totally blindsided. I guess what I always saw as a healthy dose of high self esteem on his part was really supreme arrogance and selfishness. My mind knows that I have to leave to survive. But let me tell everyone if you think the heart just turns off at the flick of a switch, well I just hope you never have to learn the way that I did. I wish there was an anesthetic for a broken heart. I cannot ever imagine trusting another person again I definitely cannot imagine having sex ever again. So I conclude that God has another purpose for me and I will focus on looking for His direction.

staremonkey · Jul 17, 2007, 05:23 AM

Originally Posted by NowWhat

So, he had a 7 year affair with one woman and then another on the side? Wow, you are definetly justified in leaving.
Get a good lawyer and take what is rightfully yours.
Good luck.

Now that a decision has been made - do you feel like a weight has been lifted?

A weight has been lifted in the sense that I know I have no choice but to leave. But my heart remains heavy like lead. It's like when my dad was sick and wasting away from emphysema, when he died I felt a relief that he was out of pain but my sorrow knew no bounds. So I guess I am in the stages of mourning. But each new day brings a tiny bud of hope for the future. Thanks for your support it really helps.

NowWhat · Jul 17, 2007, 06:25 AM

I know how you feel. I truly do. It is like someone has died - yet they aren't dead. Maybe the hopes and dreams that you once had are - but, now that you know - you can move on. One day, you will be able to find peace. It may not be with another man or relationship. But, peace will come.

This pain is not something I would wish on anyone. It can be crushing at times. Knowing what you know now - you know that you have to push through it and make a better life for yourself. It can be scary and you will wonder if you can do it. But I know you can.
Good Luck!

Inspired · Jul 17, 2007, 06:28 AM

Staremonkey,

Wow what an incredible women you are! Honestly I believe a lot of women would stay and waste their life away with the cheater after finding out about an affair. You are smart and tough enough to move on because you know that if they do it once they will do it again. I have a friend who was in a 5 year marriage after she found out her husband was cheating. She decided to stay and 3 years later he did it again. Now she's miserable because he left her for the othe woman and she wishes she would have left 3 years ago. You are very smart and I applaud you. I know what you mean about feeling relieved that he's out of your life, but your heart feels like lead. That's how I felt after I left my boyfriend after I found out he was cheating. We were together for a bit over a year and I found out he was cheating the whole time. I also questioned how its humanly possible for a person to be that hurtful as to do something like that and "pretend" he cared. I came to the conclusion that its them that are flawed. Good luck and I know you will be just fine. You sound like a wonderful person and God will bring you happiness :)