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Pook_Myster · Jul 15, 2007, 07:55 PM

Hi All,

I would just like some feedback on how you think it is perceived in society, a woman asking the man to marry her.

And for the men - how would you react if she asked you, instead of you asking her?

Nickyblinks · Jul 15, 2007, 08:07 PM

Well I'm a girl but I think its better for the man to ask the woman because it is traditional. But I wouldn't see anything wrong with a woman asking a man.

nauticalstar420 · Jul 15, 2007, 08:09 PM

I think it is okay either way. Us women know that if we wait around for men to do things, sometimes we're waiting wayyyyy too long.. lol. :)

Pook_Myster · Jul 15, 2007, 08:15 PM

Hmm...

I could be waiting forever!

We both know that we are going to get married... sometimes I say things like 'Will you marry me?' in a non-challeunt ( spelling... sorry? Lol) kind of way, and he will reply 'We will, but I have to ask you'... and I think - Why do you have to ask me? Why can't I ask you? So long as it doesn't mean I have to fork out for the ring then I am all right with it! Lol...

He is very traditional, but I'm getting impatient. It seems to only be that society has confined us to the belief that it is the 'Man's duty' - but all of what androdgeny is about was thrown out in WW1 when women were all of a sudden let out of the kitchen and into the factories.

nauticalstar420 · Jul 15, 2007, 08:16 PM

What could be keeping him? If he says "I have to ask you", why hasn't he asked yet? It doesn't make sense to me if you both know you want to marry one another. Is he waiting for financial stability, or something like that?

Pook_Myster · Jul 15, 2007, 08:20 PM

I think I may have gone overboard with the request for the ring, he thinks I want a really big rock and I think he thinks I wouldn't be happy with anything smaller... but in reality, I just want to marry him and I don't really care how big / small the ring is. I tried to point this out to him last time we were window shopping... but since then... still nothing.

nauticalstar420 · Jul 15, 2007, 08:24 PM

Oh I see. He is holding out until he can get you the ring he thinks you want. Next time you go window shopping with him, pick out a nice simple ring that you would be happy with, and tell him how much you deeply love this ring! Act like that is the one you HAVE to have.

When he sees that it is more simple, and yes, cheaper, he will probably get on the ball with buying it and asking you :)

Oh, and don't tell him just once. Keep mentioning to him how you loved it so much!

Pook_Myster · Jul 15, 2007, 08:31 PM

I have asked... maybe not in a serious enough manner... but to tell the truth it scares me to death thinking about it now - what if he says no - what do I do then?

Lol... now I may be experiencing what he is feeling - fear!

Pook_Myster · Jul 15, 2007, 08:31 PM

I started this post thinking that I was going to ask him - now I am petrified! Lol...

Wondergirl · Jul 15, 2007, 08:32 PM

Most of the time the couple just comes to the realization, "Let's get married." He doesn't have to initiate the asking or even get down on one knee to propose. That's the stuff of Hollywood movies.

One of my friends put a pretty dimestore ring on his gf's finger and told her she would get a nicer ring when he could afford it, but he wanted her to know that he had marriage in mind.

Pook_Myster · Jul 15, 2007, 08:36 PM

I don't think that I want to just come to the realisation... it seems a bit... boring. I would more like sparks, champagne, stars and candles - it's one of the biggest things that can ever happen to you, I would like it to be memorable rather than a conversation had over the dinner table whilst CSI is on in the background! Lol...

Wondergirl · Jul 15, 2007, 08:44 PM

We had picked out the ring together and it was being sized for my finger. We went to an Ice Capades show. During a very noisy intermission, he handed it to me, I put it on my finger, and then we ate popcorn. No formal proposal, no kiss, no fireworks, no sparks. Our wedding was just about as boring. That was 40+ years ago. We're still married.

Pook_Myster · Jul 15, 2007, 09:08 PM

I suppose this all just goes to prove that we all have different ideas about how / when / who... and in the end, it doesn't really matter because it is all about spending forever with that special someone that you love =)

Pook_Myster · Jul 15, 2007, 09:26 PM

Thank you all... I'm still scared though.

And another thing... IF I do decide to ask, what will I do about the ring, if I ask, does that mean I should have a ring, or do I expect him to decide on one after the event... not sure?

Wondergirl · Jul 15, 2007, 09:33 PM

Is there a clever and unusual way to do this? Maybe you can start a new trend!

Matching t-shirts? A ring on each of his fingers to pledge something different for each one? -- "I want to marry you for love, for loyalty, for tenderness, for companionship, for happiness" etc. Or use a cigar band or cheapy ring from WalMart? Or buy the real thing and propose to him?

Synnen · Jul 15, 2007, 09:55 PM

I *told* my husband that we were getting married, that it would be the next year, and that if he had suggestions or objections, he'd better speak up, and speak up fast. After 5 years, it was time.

HOWEVER: We BOTH regret that we didn't do the ring/surprise/proposal thing.

You may want to tell your boyfriend that you are ready for marriage, and that you really hope he is too, and that you'd like a proposal by a specific date, and if there isn't one by then, you'll have to decide what you're going to do from there. I know women who regretted giving 8 to 10 years of their lives to a guy that they loved, but was never willing to make that commitment.

PS--My husband says women make way too big of a deal about marriage. He says that if the relationship works, what does signing a piece of paper do to make it work better? You and I know that it's the whole thing, it's the dream we all have when we're little, and darn it! We get to be princesses for a day! For guys, it's money, time, and energy that could be spent elsewhere... like at a football game after you get hitched at the courthouse.

Make SURE he understands WHY this is important to you, and WHICH PARTS are important. Is the proposal important to you? The ring? The place? What he says, specifcally? Just the idea that you're married, you dn't care about the rest?

If he doesn't know EXACTLY what you want, he may just be a bit afraid of screwing it up.

Pook_Myster · Jul 15, 2007, 10:09 PM

I don't want to tell him what to do, I just want it to happen... but I don't want to keep bringing it up with him - which is why I am thinking that I like your idea about the time-frame... but then I think, am I putting pressure on him that is not fair... maybe the time frame is no different to 'telling' him what to do... and I don't want to do that.

Maybe I need to be more patient. We have been together only 2 years... am I pushing things a little too much after that time frame?

Synnen · Jul 15, 2007, 10:21 PM

/shrug

Every relationship is different.

Look, here's what I would do, if I were you and stuck on the marriage thing.

First, shut up about it for at LEAST a month. For all you know, he has his timetable as "When it's been 3 weeks and 2 days from the last time she brought up marriage...."

Next, some night when you're doing something romantic (for us, this was playing Scrabble), bring up marriage but kind of like "hon...are you really serious about marriage?" and then when he says "Yes" (because we KNOW he's gonna), then say "Well, what kind of time frame are YOU thinking would be good for us to get married? I know that I want to marry you, but maybe your inner timetable is different than mine (men's and women's clocks are soooo different on stuff like this. Heck, INDIVIDUAL clocks are so different on this)"

Next--LISTEN to him. He's probably got some ideas on the whole thing. "After we get a better apartment" or "When we can afford a nice wedding" or "I want to get my promotion before I start thinking about it" or whatever.

THEN--determine whether he is just making excuses because the whole idea of planning a proposal is a pain in his butt or not. My husband said that it was hard for him to want to plan that because we LIVED together... nothing really was going to change after we got married, so it didn't matter whether we got married.

If he has some pretty solid ideas, and you're just jumping the gun on him, then I'd just wait and be patient... he may have an incredible surprise for you! It's hard to propose on the 50 yard line when it's not football season, for example.

If he's just blowing smoke, THEN you bring up YOUR clock, and tell him that it's hard to take him seriously when he keeps blowing this off when it's important to you. Tell him that it'll be really hard to be confident in your relationship if he doesn't work with you on this important issue, and mention that you'll probably be okay for x amount of time (please... be sensible... a month is NOT enough time). After x amount of time, you'll want to talk about the topic again, and see if you're still both rowing the boat the same direction.

That make sense? It's late, so I apologize if I'm not that coherent.