[tamieko2]

my son is 14 yrs. Old he has a good life with me and his sister and stepdad. He is an honor student in school and on the high school football team. The problem is we live in Ohio his dad lives in Missouri, we moved here five yrs' ago, we own our home and both have been on or jobs for yrs. He visits his dad for 6 weeks every summer and two weeks at x-mas. He just came back from a visit today and informs me he wants to live with his dad because he thinks we are struggling to raise him because last year we took in my nephew because his mom is homeless (he is 15) they are like brothers, raised together most of their lives. He says his dad told him he could choose who he wants to live with. I told him he has never went hungry or without a home or clothes so why does he think we are struggling, then he goes to other excuses like my dad makes more money and his new wife works too. He has only been employed 2 months, in the recent past he avoided paying child support due to getting paid under the table. I just received my first 2 checks in 4 yrs. Before that he only paid for 2 1/2 yrs he paid nothing for 9 yrs. Before that! He owes me 37,000 dollars!! He says his dad said if I said yes he would wave his right to me paying support to him! How is that even possible considering how much he owes?? Besides the point, I told him I won't willingly give him up, I had him at 16 everyone told me get married or give him up, I got married to keep him, when his dad left me when he was 4 1/2 months old I had to drop out of high school, work 2 jobs just to support us! I raised him on my own for the first 4 yrs of his life till I married my now husband 10 yrs. Ago. How could I just hand him over now especially since my ex walked out on us and said he was'nt ready to be a husband and father? He told me his dad said if I said no he would take me to court!! I said my answer is no and you call him and tell him to bring it on! We have been friends up till this point, it took a long time to get there but now he wants to steal my child, HELL NO I won't let that happen. He has a long history of drugs and is raising 3 other kids 2 of which are not his, he is an over the road truck driver barley home his wife works nightshift, they use my son to babysit their young kids when he is there. I want him to complete high school here. I live in the country his dad lives in st. louis, I went to high school there, they have metal detectors we don't. Doesn't he have to prove me unfit or something, or can my son just say he wants to go and that's it? He only wants to go cause he got a girlfriend over the summer there and his dad buys him expensive things I can't afford like a psp and a playstation2 ? What can I do to stop him from going?

[Canada_Sweety]

Now, I'm not trying to be rude or anything but you also sound rather selfish.

but now he wants to steal my child, HELL NO I won't let that happen.

Does that sound like you have your child's best interest at heart? I know you're worried because of his fathers history but maybe you're also harbouring some hate for him. If I was in your situation, I would probably contact my son's father and find a way for my son to spend more time living at his fathers place... I think that would work best because if you simply say "You cannot live there full time!" your son will more then likely want it more. Try working something out and being the bigger person in this whole thing. Best of Wishes..

[Shaunta]

Just Tell Him No... I Don't Understand Why Kids Do That.. The Person That's There For You Your Whole Young Teenage Life Taking Care Of You... Do This And That For You And You Wan Tto Go And Live With The Person Who Walked Out On You... Who Didn't Want You... I Don't Understand Why They Do That.. I Remember My Brother Wanted To Live With Mydad... He Was Able To My Mother Let Him But He Was Back In A Matter Of Weeks Because My Dad Had No Place To Go...

[Shaunta]

now, i'm not trying to be rude or anything but you also sound rather selfish.

I don't believe she's being selfish... she took care of her son the whole time he was born up til now... why should she just let him go and live with the father... who didn't want him.. he didn't want to be a father at the time or a husband... if that was my child i would tell him hell no too...

[Canada_Sweety]

W0W! Okay, listen, I wasn't trying to be rude... I was stating my opinion which you don't have to agree with... but don't go off yelling at me. I know you don't get my point of view, and you are right about her having cared for her son and him wanting to leave and how that's not fair to her. But that brings back my point of Her. I know he bailed but when a child has a chance to renew their relationship with their parent(s) they want to take it. They want to be able to spend time with them. And keep in mind that I never said "DO IT NOW!"... I said that she should try contacting the father and changing the schedule around a little bit so the son will have some more time there. And you know that people want what they can't have most of the time because it is human nature, so somewhat meeting him in the middle will satisfy him.
I never tried to force anything on this woman who has simply asked for help... I said what I would do and my point of view, same as you're doing.

[tamieko2]

I do not believe I am being selfish, or maybe I am? I just don't think he has the best environment for my child. I have never denied him visitation even from the beginning, I was pissed he left but I never took it out on my son, I did not want to punish my child for our mistakes. Before we moved here he saw him every other weekend (my ex's choice) sometimes he would say he would come and not show up, I was the one left with a sobbing child asking why his dad did not love him? I sent child support people after him yrs ago and on my sons 9th birthday he was supposed to come over instead his father came to tell me my ex had left the state to move to Oregon to avoid the support people putting him in jail, my son was crushed! He is over the road for his job 5 days a week, if my son went there he would be raised by his grandma not his dad or step mother, they work too much. My son has never went without anything here with me, only without some luxuries like video games, I don't feel that is a prioity over school clothes and supplies. I need to know if he has to prove me unfit to get him because that's what I heard or am I fighting a losing battle? We do not have to give our children everything they want in life it does not work that way. My ex has been filling him with this crap of choosing since he turned 12. If we lived in Missouri again, this would not even be an issue.

[s_cianci]

In order for your son's wishes to come about, his father would have to petition for custody. The judge would hear the case, take in all the facts and make his decision based on what would be in the best interests of your son. I'm not a judge or an attorney but based on what you've said here, I doubt that any judge would consider it in your son's best interests to allow him to root up and move to Missouri with his dad. Even though that may be what your son thinks he wants, that doesn't necessarily mean any judge is going to think that that's what's in his best interests. Be prepared to retain an experienced family law attorney should your ex ever file any such petition.

[Canada_Sweety]

When you explain in greater detail, I totally understand where you are coming from. But trying to fight his father is not a losing battle. You actually have the upper hand with his father's history and everything. I'm not saying that you should give in but simply that maybe an extra month as a compromise. If you feel too uneasy about that then fight it with all you've got. I'm always here for support and I sympathize with your situation.

[ordinaryguy]

There are at least three issues here, one legal between you and your ex, one emotional between you and your ex, and one emotional between you and your son. The legal issue with your ex has already been answered well by others. You have the upper hand and if you fight him in court, you will probably win (assuming you have a competent attorney). The emotional issue between you and your ex is old news and it's past time to let go of it. He is who he is and will do what he does and it has nothing much to do with you, except as it affects your son, and he will have to come to terms with it in his own way and his own time.

Now, the emotional issue with your son is tricky, and you're at a very delicate time. It's quite common for boys this age who have grown up without their father around reliably to want to go live with him or otherwise get a "dad fix". Usually, if dad really is a flake and a selfish fool, it won't take the son very long to figure this out and realize where his real support and love is coming from. But in this case, I think you're right to be very reluctant to let him go to live with his dad. He would be a 14-year old boy living largely unsupervised in a large city, often having to be responsible for younger half-siblings. It would be a harsh lesson in reality, and one that could easily go badly wrong.

How about this: Tell him that you understand his need to be around his father and you don't want to deny him that chance, but you want him to finish high school first. In the meantime, let him go for as many visits as practical, and otherwise encourage him to be as close to his father as possible, short of actually moving there to live. The danger is that if you refuse him categorically and don't show some empathy for this need to find out who his father really is he'll resent you for it, and even if he eventually becomes disillusioned with dad, he'll feel alienated from you as well. As I said, a very delicate situation and a fine line to walk. I wish you all the best.

[tamieko2]

The more I talk to my son about it the more I think it has less to do with his dad and more to do with his new girlfriend he got up there. I think his dad just saw this as an opportunity and did not really look at the real reason why he wants to go. I told my son I emathize with him because when I was 14 my mom met a man who lived in st.louis and forced me to move from Ohio to go live there when they married , I had to leave my two older siblings because they were grown and my younger 2 siblings were in their dads custody. I hated it. But I would never have told her I wanted to live somewhere else, I used the age old saying "when i'm 18 i'm outta here" I know how he feels but all of my moms kids( and there are 5 biological and 2 step), we all left or got kicked out before the age of 17 , I don't want that for my son. As far as visitation goes, my ex can see him whenever he wants, I have many times gone against the divorce decree and let him see him when it was not his court appointed time. The problem is not that I won't let him see him, it is that he does not have the time to see him more, he is an over the road truck driver. Bottom line is this, I want my son to fulfill his dreams of getting a scholarship through football and to go to college and be somebody. He was in band 2 yrs. Ago before football, he is an awesome snar drum player, but when he told his dad he was in band he called him a band geek and my son quit! He then took on football as it was more manly and acceptable to his father. I want him to do and be what he wants not what I want. His dad just does not understand that he can't just come in jonny come latley when all the hard work is over like diapers, potty training etc. and decide now that he wants him.

[kimmetz]

Hi , I have kind of gone through somewhat of the same ordeal recently. My ex had been badgering my 10 yr old to live with him. My oldest daughter whom I had at 16 (shes 15) had been staying with her dad for 2 years. She blamed me for the divorce and was upset , so I gave her some time. Now we just went back to court so that she could live with me again( she wanted to), her dad did not fight it, Im not sure he was aware that he could. I was told by my lawyer and also my sons councelor(as this badgering was difficult and he has been told when he's 10 he can decide) but I was told that in this state (arkansas) and a lot of them that there is not an age that a child can decide until he is 18 of course, and just like what was said earlier that the judge looks at the entire situation.
Even with you son doing good, have you thought of putting him in counceling, it has helped my son and with yours being older and going through more (teen years) it might help, could be something you both do together. Good Luck, I know it is very difficult, it broke my heart when mine(son) told me that, but I did put up a fight and would say Do not give up or give in. Even at 14 they are still children who need adult guidance.

[ordinaryguy]

the more i talk to my son about it the more i think it has less to do with his dad and more to do with his new girlfriend he got up there.

Well, if that's his main motivation, I would definitely fight it. A fourteen year-old and his girlfriend, unsupervised for days at a time--I don't think so. He may hate you for it now, but stick to your guns, he'll understand later.

i think his dad just saw this as an opportunity and did not really look at the real reason why he wants to go.

Yes, well, he sounds like a selfish jerk who's more interested in poking a stick in your eye than doing what's best for his son. So sad.

bottom line is this, i want my son to fullfill his dreams of getting a scholarship through football and to go to college and be somebody.

Just make sure he knows this is your motive for the decisions you make, and he'll be fine with it eventually.

his dad just does not understand that he can't just come in jonny come latley when all the hard work is over like diapers, potty training ect. and decide now that he wants him.

If he thinks diapers and potty training is "all the hard work", he hasn't got a clue about parenting through the teenage years. Stay focused on what's best for your son and pay as little attention as possible to his dad. Any energy he sucks from you could be better spent on your son or your own wellbeing.

[tamieko2]

I agree on that! Raising tennagers is the worst job I have ever had!! I am also raising my nephew who is 15 but he is a lot easier than my son. As the days go by and my son spends more and more time on the phone and internet with this girl, I know now for sure this is the reason and his dad has not called since this whole thing happened, so I for now am not putting a whole lot of stock into it. I have however consulted a lawyer just in case. If it come down to it, I am more than ready to fight!

[sGt HarDKorE]

I'm 15, and for some reason I have always wanted to live with my dad, as I am a honor student, I am spoild with my mom, and she loves me a lot. My dad hardly ever does anything for me, he wants me to fail, and yet when he says good job, it means more to me than all the times my mom says it (Which is like 100 times a day). However Im starting to realize that my dad is not that great. However if its just some girl, he will most likely get over her as he can't do anything with her or see her in person.

[stepmominohio]

Can you please explain to me why everyone is so negative about a father raising his son ? The mother in the scenario had 14 years with her son, why can't the father have an opportunity to raise his child too? My husband has a 13 year old son and we are in the process of fighting for physical custody. He currently has joint custody however the mother has been shown in contempt of court for not allowing the children to visit (he also has an 18 yr old daughter). My step son longs to be with his Dad and his little brother (our son). Isn't it only fair? Now that he is becoming a man is probably the most important time to have a father figure around. We would show him as much if not more love than the mother and would be able to provide for him better financially than she can. My husband is not a dead beat dad, has never missed a child support payment if 12 years, or any other bill he was responsible for, and has paid over 120,000.00 THOUSAND dollars in these 12 years. Please have a heart and understand that fathers have rights too - just because someone gets divorced does not mean the father should automatically lose his rights to his child.

[raw48]

Children at this age are going through a lot of emotional and hormonal changes, this situation, may have less to do with you or his father and more about your son. I work with a number of parents and situations like this happen a lot. My advise is 1. don't take it as anything against you. When he is with his father, I am sure he only gets a short snap shot of what life would be like and maybe it looks good to him. And the "Romance" has a far greater impact than you realize.

I suggest you try to remember the stupid things we did for "Romance" at that age- we never looked down the road, we lived for the moment- and that is what it sounds like your son is doing. So don't trivialize it, don't tell him it is stupid, or that it won't last- because that will just give him a cause to prove you wrong and fight against you. I agree that there is a lot of emotional aspects to this situation, so- as much as possible try to remember to look at things through his eyes and try to remember how it was at that age.

[Fr_Chuck]

Closed, does no one ever watch dates, this thread is over 2 years old.