[justamom]

I've been struggling with this for a while now, and I am interested to hear the opinions of other moms. I am quite sure I can't be alone in this.

Let me just explain, for context, that I was a very different person in my youth, back before I married and had children. I am sure many others can relate with that. It's not that I was a bad person, but... let's just say I was not the sort of young person that I brought my own children up to be (if that makes sense). I am quite proud of my own kids, and frankly, I'm proud to have reared children who don't have the same "issues" and hang-ups that I had when I was younger.

Ya know... as I type this, I realize that I should probably just be straight-up honest here about what I'm talking about (being that we're all anonymous and all). Honesty would probably be helpful in eliciting the kind of input I'm interested in. So, I will just say it: I'm talking about sex here. I was a rather promiscuous teenage girl and young adult. As a result, there were traumas in my life (a date rape, a teenage pregnancy, etc. - all the stuff they include in Lifetime movies of the week). Many of these events are things I haven't even thought about consciously in many years, and frankly I'd like to push them comfortably back to the back of my mind. But, more and more lately they come up to the forefront of my thinking.

So, back to what I've been struggling with...

My daughter is 18 years old now, and we are very close. I'm happy to say that she is healthy and happy and not at all like I was, and she is in her first "mature" romantic relationship. I adore her boyfriend, their relationship is very sweet, and I definitely approve in every way. No problems there.

However, since she's been reaching her adulthood, the two of us have naturally become more like "friends". We spend lots of time together and talk a lot. We always did that throughout her life, but it's somewhat different now. It's particularly different now that there's a "man" in her life, and that naturally takes conversations down a different path that the talks we had when she was a child. It has made things somewhat awkward for me at times, though, because I find myself censoring my conversation. We're now touching on subjects that are somewhat "sore spots" for me, and I don't want things about myself to come spilling out of my mouth and shock her. Thus, I often hesitate when we talk, or sometimes I start to say something and then think better of it, and a couple of times she has definitely picked up on that. She's said, "Hey...what were you just about to say?" And I will say, "Oh, nothing, nevermind..." And it goes like that.

So, lately I have been thinking a lot about maybe just sitting down and telling her all about my youth. Just put it right out there, get it out in the open. I sometimes think she's "old enough" now to know about these things. But then... I think to myself, "Why do I want to tell her all this anyway? Is there really any benefit to her knowing? Or am I just selfishly looking for some sort of catharsis for myself, a kind of confession that would make me feel better but possibly be traumatic for her?"

Although I've always been close with my daughter and we've always had a good relationship, I have always kept the perspective that she is my child and not my friend. I've tried very hard over the years to keep that line clear. As a single mom, I've tried very hard never to lean on her for friendship or companionship, as it is not her job to support me emotionally. In other words, she can come to me with her problems, but I don't dump my baggage on her.

So I guess that's what I'm trying to sort out right now... Am I just feeling a temptation to start "unloading" my own stuff on her, now that she's older? Or is there any real benefit to her, or to our relationship, if I share my past with her? If it's good for her to know these things about me, then I don't want to be guilty of "keeping secrets" from her or censoring myself every time we talk. However, if it's not good for her, then I don't want to be guilty of crossing the line and weighting her down with my issues.

That's the question, then: How much is appropriate to share with a child who's reached the beginnings of adulthood? And why or why not?

Any opinions?

[NowWhat]

I don't know if telling her would do what you hope it would do. I am guessing your objective would be so she doesn't go down the same path.
Even though you two have a close relationship - the thought of Mom having sex - just freaks out a daughter.
If you have an open relationship - let her talk to you and you can express your fears. I just don't know that telling all would help. It could be that she will look at you and think that it all worked out in the end for you, so...
Some secrets need to stay secrets.
If she was 30 and had kids or whatever, my answer would probably be different. Because by then, she has experienced things and maybe could relate more.

[Pook_Myster]

I would have to agree with 'NowWhat' above... I really think that some things are left unsaid... you are going to demolish the image and esteem that she holds you in as her mother and her friend. I agree that it is important to acknowledge your mistakes and learn from them, and it is important that your daughter knows that you too are not perfect... but the amount of detail she needs? I'm not sure...

Like you said, your daughter is nothing like how you were at the same age, so if the primary goal in telling her is to keep her from making the same mistakes as you, then you needent worry from all accounts. And if this is not the primary goal of telling her, then perhaps any other reason is more selfish (not in the common sense of the word) in that it is in fact for your benefit, and not hers. If you still have demons to face from your past, I would suggest that your daughter is probably not the one to share with - especially as your relationship is so healthy at present.

[justamom]

No, my objective really wouldn't have anything to do with her going down the wrong path. I truly have no fear of that. She's not me at all, she's her own person, and the person she is is entirely too emotionally healthy and strong to do the things I did.

My thought, I guess, was more along the lines of being able to speak freely and openly with her. It becomes more and more difficult to have conversations as she gets older, when I am continually pausing and "hemming and hawing" (so to speak), or trying to phrase all of my statements in such a way as to not "give away" some secret. I'm constantly trying not to slip up, and it's tiring. Perhaps it's selfish of me, though, to just be looking for a way to make my end of the conversations easier.

I don't think she's freaked out about her mom having sex. We speak quite freely and openly about sex, and it's never been awkward between us. However, the fact that we do talk about it so freely... I don't know, but somehow that makes me feel even more "fake" when I keep certain things to myself. Kind of like if your kid was really into music, and the two of you talked all the time about all kinds of music, but you never mentioned to them that you were in a band. Not that I'm comparing that to... well, you know what I mean (I think). It's just awkward to have to constantly censor what you say. Again, though, maybe I need to just accept that awkwardness. I don't know.

I don't know if my rambling here even makes sense, but I do appreciate the input.

[Pook_Myster]

You aren't rambling at all =)

I can see what you are saying about being able to speak freely and openly. Perhaps that is just the point - if conversation is so easy with your daughter, surely you can find the right time, place and context to drop things in without sitting down for the 'Now, there are some things that I need to tell you' chat...

If your relationship is as strong as you say, then I am sure she will understand whatver it is you have to tell her.

Remember to remind her that nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes, and you wouldn't change a thing because for all of the bad, it has lead you to a good place!

I too - have a little shameful past... BUT - you eaither learn from your mistakes and grow as a person, as we have chosen to do, or you fall into the pit of self-pitty and shame... and I am sure that is not a nice place to be.

[justamom]

Pook - I really appreciate your helping me think through this. You too, NowWhat.

Actually, I have no problem with finding the right time/place, or with her being "understanding" about it. To be honest, though, I do wonder if on some deeper level she might lose some respect for me. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that.

I'm just trying to sort out my feelings about whether there's a legitimate reason to tell her. Or whether I'm just being selfish, for all the reasons I already mentioned.

I guess I feel like... we are close, but she doesn't really know me. And I wonder if it's right for her to really know me, now that she's 18... or when she's 30... or maybe never? I don't know. Like I said, I'm open to everyone's thoughts, because I am just trying to decide what I think.

Thanks again.

[Pook_Myster]

I personally would feel some loss of respect for my mother if she ever told me of her shameful past... and it would be because all my life she has been the one to mould my morals and beliefs on what is right and wrong... and then - all of a sudden to be told that all is not what it seemed with this image of perfect that I was given as an example my whole life... I would be a tad cranky I would have to say, and I wouldn't be able to help it affecting my relationship with my mother.

I myself have forgiven myself for the mistakes I've made, and I don't feel that these events in my past captulate or describe who I am as a person - they are a part of me, but they are not ALL of me... so I don't know that I would ever feel the need to address them with anyone in my future. Should anything come up, I would not shy away from admitting that they happened, but I would not feel the need to bring them up in the first instance either?

[froggy7]

Is there a middle ground? Say you and your daughter are talking about... oh, just as an example, peer pressure to have sex when you really don't want to. You could say something like "when I was younger, I let that influence me. And I did some things that I am not proud of, and I am so glad to see that you have made better choices in your life..." rather than "oh yeah, when I was your age I was pressured into sleeping with the entire football team at a kegger". In other words, she doesn't really need to know the details, but could you talk about it in the abstract?

I'm 40 now, and have been learning things about my mom and her life (and marriage) that I didn't know when I was younger. Mostly it's additional detail about things that I knew about earlier. Like, I knew that my grandmother got remarried after her divorce, but that husband died before I was born. But now my mom has talked to me more about how she felt about the situation. When I was a kid, I really just needed to know why I didn't have a grandpa on that side. But now that I am older, I get to hear more about what her life was like, and see how it influenced her.