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DaRkJokeR · Jul 12, 2007, 07:22 PM

I'm in the military first of all so everything I do is scrutinized and monitered by the military. My wife left me and took my two kids. She won't talk to me about what she thinks or what she feels. Every time we talk I get anger and frustration. We have had a very hard marriage. We have been married for 4 years and have two very beautiful children. She went back to her family which I think has been the reason for her emotional immaturity. In the 4 years we've been married we have spent about 22months apart (not consecutive) and about 21 months together (not cosecutive). We have had almost no time to be together for a long time. So, she left July 2, 2007. She says she still loves me more than a friend but not as a husband. She tells me that I have no idea what its like to be here to have to go through the pain of living with you (Me). I was in the Navy and been on a deployment and I'm in the army and I've been to Iraq and I'm about to go back. What do I do to cope... will she ever come back or will she rather stay home with her family and let her and her family raise my kids. I don't make much money and can't afford a divorce and can't afford to get out of the military. Anyone have some advice?

startover22 · Jul 12, 2007, 09:54 PM

If you are willing to take some advice, this is what I would say to you. If every time you talk and you get angry and frustrated then it is time to look in the mirror and ask if she is right or not. Who wants to be in a relationship with someone they cannot talk to? Seek therapy if you need to, show her you are taking steps to be a better man. Do what you say you are going to do. Step up and figure something out together as adults not angry upset people. If I were her, I wouldn't listen to an angry man, and yes I would be happier with my family that shows me respect and kindness. It is up to you to show her and your CHILDREN that you can be that man that they need. Hugs and good luck to you! Startover22

EDIT:::::::::::
I forgot to say Thank you for your service. I do appreciate your duty!

Pook_Myster · Jul 12, 2007, 10:07 PM

Didn't you post a message on here earlier on another thread about having 'relations' with many married women? I hope that I am wrong to suggest that this happened whilst you were married to this woman? And would I be wrong again to suggest that this be part of the reason her leaving?

startover22 · Jul 12, 2007, 10:10 PM

Originally Posted by Pook_Myster

Didn't you post a message on here earlier on another thread about having 'relations' with many married women? I hope that I am wrong to suggest that this happened whilst you were married to this woman? And would I be wrong again to suggest that this be part of the reason her leaving?

I didn't see that post.

bushg · Jul 12, 2007, 10:12 PM

I believe he said when he was single when he had the affairs.

Pook_Myster · Jul 12, 2007, 10:17 PM

Oh OK... sorry. That would have explained it easily! Not so now though...

Marily · Jul 13, 2007, 03:20 AM

I think that she should have considered the fact that you are going to be away from home... alot, don't think anything is your fault though, just hate to see the fact that some people don't take theis wedding vows seriously

DaRkJokeR · Jul 13, 2007, 03:35 PM

I was getting physical and verbal. I started therapy for both. The physical stuff stopped but the verbal was still going. I was getting therapy and we were supposed to start marriage counseling 3 day before she left. I'm so stressed out. I have hit rock bottom, picked myself up and then hit it again. I feel like I make 2 steps forward and then take 3 back. About my original statement... I was saying that we both get angry and frustrated at the other. Not just me. Sometimes it just gets so hard to cope with this stuff that I drink till I pass out. I'm still going to therapy though. I feel like I'm making progress and that I can and will change and I am changing all the time, but I don't think she will ever want me back. I know that if she does we will be happy again. I miss my kids and I miss the woman I married.

DaRkJokeR · Jul 13, 2007, 03:39 PM

Thanks startover22. This military stuff is hard but I do it and I do it well. The military has been very hard on me and even harder on my marriage. On a personal note: I wanted to make her stay with love and compassion but somewhere along the way I made her stay through fear and guilt.

Canada_Sweety · Jul 13, 2007, 03:59 PM

Maybe it's time that you open your eyes and look at your life. If your main concern is money and your job then why are you over thinking this? If your first and fore-most concern is not saving your actual marriage, then maybe your wife has good enough reason to leave you. Anger and frustration happen all the time, but you have to control it. Next time you contact her, simply push the feelings of resentment aside and try to work on the damage. If that fails, go to a couples therapy session or a councilor and they will be able to help best. Good luck.

talaniman · Jul 13, 2007, 04:40 PM

The military life is hard on a marriage, and add to that your personnel issues, then she was in hell and going home is her support and comfort. You have a long road ahead, and therapy is a very good start. You may as well settle in for the long haul soldier and find some patients. This will take a while and I hope you at least can be good to your kids. I wish you luck and thank you for your service.

DaRkJokeR · Jul 13, 2007, 08:07 PM

My main concern isn't the money or my job. For one, I hate my job and two, money to me doesn't make me happy. My main concern is trying to get better and save a shattered marriage. What I was trying to say is that I don't want to get divorced but if she decides that she wants to then I will have to pay for a lawyer or I'll be standing alone in the courtroom. I love her and I still trust her to a point. I get mixed emotions from her and I'm trying to give her space right now. My marriage is worth saving. Thanks for all the input people. I'm going to do my best to save it.

DaRkJokeR · Jul 13, 2007, 08:10 PM

Thanks talaniman. I still have hope believe that she does too. I really wanted a good marriage and... I want my family back. I'm just going to have to dig in and like you said, hang there for the long hual. I wonder if she would be OK with going to marriage counseling...

JoeCanada76 · Jul 13, 2007, 09:01 PM

If your open to marriage counseling, is it possible she is open to it. It is always a possibility. You going to counseling or even suggesting marriage counseling shows that your wanting and willing to work through things. Maybe if you show that with actions and words and actually start working through different issues could be a life saver.

Another thing I would like to add is that you being in the military and hardly spending anytime together is one of the major issues. When your not together and spending quality time with a spouse, honestly the marriage or relationship is eventually going to be broken. More communication, more quality time together I believe is important part of a relationship.

Honestly I have no idea how military families do it. I would die, if I had to spend time away from my family.

I truly do hope everything works out for you and hope you get the individual help you need for your abusive ways.

Anger and frustration always pushes people away, learn how to deal with it in better ways and you could eventually see a better future.

Best wishes for you and your family.

Joe

DaRkJokeR · Jul 14, 2007, 12:56 AM

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

If your open to marriage counseling, is it possible she is open to it. It is always a possibility. You going to counseling or even suggesting marriage counseling shows that your wanting and willing to work through things. Maybe if you show that with actions and words and actually start working through different issues could be a life saver.

Another thing I would like to add is that you being in the military and hardly spending anytime together is one of the major issues. When your not together and spending quality time with a spouse, honestly the marriage or relationship is eventually going to be broken. More communication, more quality time together I believe is important part of a relationship.

Honestly I have no idea how military families do it. I would die, if I had to spend time away from my family.

I truly do hope everything works out for you and hope you get the individual help you need for your abusive ways.

Anger and frustration always pushes people away, learn how to deal with it in better ways and you could eventually see a better future.

Best wishes for you and your family.

Joe

I hope this comes out right. She's not here. She is 3 thousand miles away and won't speak to me. 2 days before she left we were supposed to start marriage counseling. I was under orders to go and honestly I wanted to go... I was actually looking forward to it so that we could be happy parents. I see 3 therapists. I go to meetings, I go to classes. I'm thinking about a parenting class. I want to make changes. I still am. This is my last reply. Thanks everyone. Lean not on your own understanding but in all your ways awknowledge him and he shall guide your paths unto righteousness.

startover22 · Jul 14, 2007, 08:38 AM

Oh how I wish she would be able to get on here. I also wish you were to stick around. It is very obvious you want to do better and be better. Damned if you do and damned if you don't..

DaRkJokeR · Jul 14, 2007, 04:26 PM

I will grant your wish. Here's the latest... the phone rings and I pick and I say hello, its my daughter, and then my son. I talk to them for a bit and they don't really sound too happy. It was more like a ransom call than a call from a loved one. I thought she was going to get on the phone and make demands or somehing, "If you ever want to see them again you will put $50grand in a black bag..."
It was actually kind of creepy. So, she gets on and with the most smug and callous attitude she says hey, and I ask how she's doing and she says good. Did she ask about me, the person she pretended to love for 4 years? Nope.
So, she tells me she's been thinking. Oh, and to top it off, she's eating and smacking in my ear. So, I'm listening and she tells me she has to go to church in a little while. So, I say OK and she has to go, and get this, after church, she's going to a concert in a bar. Hmmm... very lady like. What a great mother. I'm starting to think, do I want someone like that in my life? Do I want someone to hold this over my head for the rest of my life, do I want my kids to feel like hostages getting no kind of structure, no kind of discipline? I'm have to do something but what?

DaRkJokeR · Jul 14, 2007, 04:29 PM

I typed that fairly fast. I asked her if she saw me trying to get better and if she saw that I was trying hard. She said yes. But does that matter? Probably not. How much can I take? Not much more and after tonight... this is so sad.

startover22 · Jul 15, 2007, 10:08 AM

Ok Dark, Take a breath. Relax a minute to let your thoughts run clearly, you asked a very important question... "do I want someone like that in my life", well I see that you have no choice to have her in your life. She is the mother of your childre. If you decide to not be her husband anymore, would you still try and get the help you need to be a great father to your kids and a good husband to another woman?
Either way you need to be on your way to a better you before you can make any dicisions so let's start with that and then work on the babies and wife. If she is so far away, send her some money to feed the kids. (this is an honorable thing to do even if it means you get beans and rice instead of that lovely steak)
She is obviously going to test her freedom and you have the EXTRA hard job of being a looker. That is all you get to do is watch her. I know this has to be hard, but that is just a fact. You need to be the bigger person here to make sure everything goes smooth. Sending money, only saying respectable things to her, asking when she wants to come home to work things out? You just need to make sureyou keep up with the therapy, it will help in the long run. Remember though, some people that feel better about themselves tend to sit on a high horse, so watch out, you might come across as someone she can't work with. It is intimidating, if you know what I mean. You are working in the right direction, please don't give up, but don't be a brute. Good luck, and tell us how you are doing...

DaRkJokeR · Jul 17, 2007, 08:20 PM

Ok. I'm doing good. I just went to another group. It was elightening. Turns out that my wife exhibited all the traits of a passive aggressive (PA) type personality. People that are PA will be passive until they have had enough then explode and do very cruel things to the ones they say they love or friends and family. I found out that the most cruel thing you can do to someone is ignore them and that was my wife's main weapon when she was around. Here's something else... my wife tells me she's been talking to her "best friend" who happens to be a guy. Hmmm... and the red flag goes up. She says he just a friend. I've actually had women use that line for me when I was single. So you know. I am being as friendly and understanding with her as possible. I feel my pride being smashed flat. I don't know what to do... is this the kind of woman I want in my life or will she change. She had many many emotion problems before she met me, is that someone that can raise kids well or will she raise them to be as emotion shallow as she is? I hope she gets help soon. Not just for her or our marriage but for our kids. I'm reminded of a bible verse when I talk to her... throw not, pearls before swine. Pearls= love and wisdom. There is some good news. I asked her if she hopes to be back "in love" with me one day and she said that would be nice. I'm reaching the end of my rope with this woman.