[astradyne]

My wife was married to a guy for 18 years and had a child with him and eventually left him after she realised her life wasn't going anywhere. When we met she was sweet and understanding and seemed very happy. When we started getting serious and eventually got married, she started to get very angry easily, picking fights for no reason, even just the smallest thing, accusing me of looking at her the wrong way and so on. We also had a girl living with us, whom she had brought from her previous marriage, also this litle girl (11 years old) was doing her level best to force me to leave. She had a bad past as a small child and was undergoing therapy, she had been dumped by several members of her own family and probably ecpected to be dumped after my arrival, but I was working hard with her to get through this and tried to understand her position.

As the months passed, my wife became quite violent at times towards me, both verbally and physically, and told me to leave on several occasions. The only person in the house she never blew up at was her son... he was 14 (16 now) and basically had been run after hand and foot by her. It became very apparent that she had no space in her life for anyone except for him. Eventually it just became obvious that she was obsessed with her son and had no time for me. I spoke to one of the little girls psychologists who had been dealing with my wife and stepson as part of the treatment, and she said that this could be a dangerous thing for me and even the girl. She said obsessions are unhealthy and destructive. Later on we changed psychologists, and they said the same thing, and even told my wife that her priorities in her marriage would have to change for things to be strong. She was told that her son had grown up and no longer needed her to mother him and that she should focus on me and our marriage... something that I don't think went down too well... lol. I had a great relationship with her son and we got on, but I started noticing a lot of problems because of this attention she paid him. She treated the girl completely different, she never got the best of things, whereas he got everything handed to him, and if I said anything, it was hell to pay. I thought they should be treated equally, especially if she was going to adopt her, she should at least feel something maternal towards her. Meanwhile her son really couldn't do anything for himself and she was completely shocked when I suggested that the kids should be doing some chores around the house... she freaked out if it was anything hard... like vaccuming (no I'm not being sarcastic). Even then she would do most of his chores and say he had done it... I know he didn't. As more time went past our marriage just disintegrated and everything she did was to benefit her son and no one else. I still continued to have a great relationship with him, but eventually this started to wane as well... when the boys dad came back on the scene after not even bothering with the boy for a long time, I was pushed even further to the side. My wife had been abused both mentally and physically by this guy, but now all she had to say was good things about him. His son, who had witnessed some of th abuse and had suffered through it, seemed to distance himself from me. I understand bonds between parents and children, I have a daughter of my own. But I didn't expect to be marginilised like this and became frustrated at the whole situation. Through our marriage both her mother and brother had expressed their happiness that we were together, but that she had a problem with her past marriage and seemed to be living in the past. It seemed to me that I was getting the blame for whatever he had done, and this guy was pretty brutal and so was his family towards her.

Another part of the problem is, that I gave up my life to be with her, rather than her move to be with me and it cost me a lot, basically everything. I closed my business, sold my house and left my friends etc. but I felt in my heart she was worth it, but alas it has to be a 2 way street. But the ending is simple, I eventually said no more and told her it was over. We are living in the same house at the moment, separate rooms and I keep things civil, even when she is being nasty, but as I told her, we don't need to be enemies. I could hater for what I feel she has done, but that would be pointless and just drag me down, I need to move on. I have some job opportunities and business plans on the go and the future is looking bright, I will soon be moving out into my own house and I want the divorce to go through as soon as possible.

Don't get me wrong, I don't consider myself blameless in all of this, but whenever I wanted to talk about it and really get down to the crux of the problem, it just ended in her blowing up. It would irk me at times and I wouldn't be the best of people at times, but I wasn't abusive in any way, I found something to do and went and did it... when she would hit me, I wouldn't fight back... I have good reason to not abuse a women... I saw enough when I was growing up and it doesn't take a man to beat a woman in any way... im a talker, but obviously not a good enough person to be married to. c'est la vie... no one ever says anything about husbands when they are abused!

Is there anything I could have done?. I know there's 2 sides to every story... but believe me, I can't compete with her past or her obsession. But given the above, don't you think she is best left to deal with things and let her work through it without someone to argue and fight with?

Thanks for reading...

[tickle]

People can be stuck in 'neutral'. I, at times, have found it hard to dig out from under past issues but the older you get the easier it is, and has to come with experience and comparisons. Some people never achieve a happy medium and I guess your wife is one of those. I guess you were blinded by falling in love at the time and never noticed her her true nature.

What you two probably should have done as soon as you noticed the 'wrongness' in her personality was visiting a marriage counsellor, or getting her anger management, although that is a hard one to accomplish unless the person notices that trait in themselves and admit to it.

You are right though about one thing, no one ever addresses the issues of abused husbands mostly because husbands don't report it, seeing it as a non masculine issue to do so. Believe me though, society knows it exists.

Hindsight is 20/20, I know it's a catchall phrase, so me saying what you should have done is neither here nor there, but is there absolutely nothing you can salvage from your relationship now?

[talaniman]

I don't know how you met, or how long you dated before marriage, but it does sound as if she has issues she hid, or you overlooked in the beginning. Without professional help though, your right to remove yourself from a situation that has steadily deteriorated.

[DaRkJokeR]

When you get his answer you understand what "could" be happening. The key to raising kids is consistency. The same applies to marriage. If her ex did certain things the same way over an over... when you do anything even close to that... you will not be who you are... you will be her ex. She has a problem with her past and probably thought you would relieve that. Sorry to say, she is living in the past. Remind her that the past is the past and it should stay that way. You are the one she is with now, not her ex in anyway shape or form. Tell her, look, I understand you had hurt in your life... its not the same. I might say or do things that you think are signs to what I'm about to do... but I'm not your ex. I'm (your name) and when I look at you like that... it means... blah blah blah... when I say (fill in the blank) it means blah blah blah. Women think that everything is the same which makes them so hard to understand. Men see every situation as different and women don't. Give her the security she needs. Its hard to catch it because when its happening, it usually catches you offguard. Good luck is all I can say