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tobeamiss · Jul 19, 2007, 02:14 PM

That's exactly what I'm saying...
If someone is in an bad marriage, be it beatings or mental abuse, get out and then have your affair. Just because you're unhappy in your marriage doesn't mean that it would be right for you to have an affair. Even if prince charming showed up on your doorstep to 'rescue' you. If he's a decent man, he'll wait. Furthermore, if this thread tipped anyone over the edge, then they need therapy and shouldn't have come in here for advice in the first place. The women who come in here heartbroken over their lover being married are only coming here for justification. Everyone who comes in here knows right from wrong. Don't you agree?

talaniman · Jul 19, 2007, 10:58 PM

Everyone who comes in here knows right from wrong. Don't you agree?

Knowing and doing, are two different things and sometimes we just get caught up with feeling good, whether its right or wrong. There will always be those who do wrong, but have no skills or courage to do better, and you never really know where they come from, or why they do what they do.
Having said that, some of these mistresses know full well what they do, and don't care, and there are those that are hurting already, and what their doing is hurting them more. To those I can give honest advice, and sympathy and support. To those others I will give then honest, no matter how it is perceived.

Canada_Sweety · Jul 19, 2007, 11:07 PM

So true. And pook_myster is my hero for making this thread. I can't stand when women try to ruin marriages, what are those called: Homewreckers. They don't want advice (though they usually post for advice) but they seek reason, an good reason at that, to justify what they are doing. I hate it, but I do sympathize for the delusional women who are being fooled by men who "want it all".

shatteredsoul · Jul 20, 2007, 10:02 AM

Well I have to say this is a very interesting thread. I do agree with what most of you are saying. It is so difficult to be patient and understanding of those with such a lack of self control or moral fiber. Unfortunately, we are all unique, as our perceptions and experiences are as well. WE cannot put all situations in one category, even if our perspective of it is the same. Once we realize that without prejudice and judgment, comes true compassion and insight. Yes, cheating is wrong. YEs it is ALWAYS wrong. Our understand of that is part of our social and intellectual maturity. Not everyone has that. Not everyone on here has such clear cut beliefs and values to look towards when making such important decisions, that have such detrimental consequences. (AT least in the US)We are in a society that believes in instant gratification. We want things and we want them now. Whether it be a technological gadget, or a new outfit. We charge, we overspend, we overeat and everything is in excess. Many People don't have their focus on doing what is right, they are focused on what feels good in the moment. Why should sex be any different. I am not justifying it, just trying to bring insight to make people more patient on this subject. Many people cheat because they crave the physical interaction, they don't feel satisfied in their current relationships. Some people cheat because they are selfish, home wreckers who simply do not care about hurting others. Then there are those who cheat because their lives are unbearable, due to physical or phsycological abuse and this is a release for them. The reasons vary from person to person. I believe our job on here is to lead people to the right choices. Open their eyes to something that may be crystal clear to us, but to them it is hazy and distorted. Maybe they never learned about having self control, not acting on impulse, or giving the life skills to have an appropriate relationship. The advice we can offer can maybe bring some clarity into their lives. Some people will want to feel justified in their affair, some may actually want to understand why its wrong, some may change their mind and stop. We have no control over that. However, being open to hearing it, makes us that much more equipped to giving the answers they need to hear . We can be objective, and still disagree with their lifestyle. I would never ruin my marriage or anyone else's for sex, but that doesn't mean I can't try to understand and learn why someone else would. Our reality only lies in our perception of it.

victoria_mitchell · Jul 20, 2007, 11:35 AM

IT CAN HAPPEN TO MEN TOO...

I have not read EVERY comment in this dicussion so if someone has said this already I apologize...

I was talking to buddy of mine the other day when he mentioned that he had fallen in love with and started dating a married women unknowingly and it broke his heart to find out about it after sever months. So I would like to say for the record that this can and will happen to men as well, and I feel no less sorry for them as I do towards us girls...

tobeamiss · Jul 20, 2007, 02:13 PM

I just think it's disgusting when 'homewreckers' want sympathy. This is the main topic of this thread. Not about those that need love so badly, or a quick fix to their relationship problems. But those that knowingly seek out to destroy someone's marriage and then when things don't go their way, and the person doesn't leave their spouse for them, they go looking for support and justification. Boo hoo.

And... I agree... "stop offering advice to those silly enough to believe what these nasty men say."

s_cianci · Jul 21, 2007, 08:13 PM

Yes - I am very sick and tired of reading such posts. And I rarely respond to them, only because I know that I'd just be parroting every other reasonable and sensible person who's already responded to such a post. It always take two to cheat ; both the married person and the person who accepts the indignity of being a sideshow. Maybe they somehow naively believe that things will eventually work out. I also find it rather interesting, as this thread suggests, that it's always single women struggling with the issue of cheating with married men. You almost never hear stories of the opposite scenario, of single men cheating with married women. Either way, it's a dumb thing to do and amounts to emotional and moral suicide.

Haxzor50 · Jul 22, 2007, 01:33 PM

Lol, you guys are silly!

Look, anyone cheating on their wife is in the wrong, and anyone stupid enough to believe that they actually love you is also in the wrong, unless you don't know they have a wife... now, for the people going through a divorce, that's fine... you are no longer WITH your wife, but I would suggest KNOWING that you love you wife before matramony, because something like this could happen to you, and yes, girls cheat too...

Pook_Myster · Jul 22, 2007, 03:02 PM

Originally Posted by iAMfromHuntersBar

Are you seriously saying she should say
"Well, wait up, I'll get a divorce first THEN we can have a relationship!"

Um... yeah - That's EXACTLY what I am saying!

StripClubDJBobbyMac · Jul 25, 2007, 07:23 AM

Right On Pook!! Thank God!

Synnen · Jul 25, 2007, 07:40 AM

You people amaze me with your close mindedness.

Here are a couple of situations for you:

My sister, a good woman who did everything she could to make her marriage last, counseling--the whole nine yard--is in the middle of a divorce. A VERY nasty divorce. The divorce proceedings have thus far lasted 2 years, with at LEAST another year of negotiating before things get final. The main reason it's taking so long? They have 5 kids, and both want full custody of them. My sister left when he lost his temper and beat her bloody. She waited until he left for work, packed a bag for each of the kids, grabbed her purse, and ran like hell.

2 years is a LONG time, especially when your relationship was dead long before then. My sister started spending time with groups of friends she'd had before marriage, and found that a male friend of hers was very supportive. She didn't leave her marriage for this other guy, and she's still technically married to her husband. After 2 years of renewed friendship (she's known this new guy since she was 12), they've started dating.

Technically, she's cheating on her husband. Will you condemn her because all cheating is cheating?

2nd scenario:

Before my husband and I were married, we'd been living together. At one point in time, he got wrapped up in a computer game, and I felt for several months that I was taken for granted. No sex, no thank you for dinner, no help with housework, no going out... I was just another body in the house. No matter what I tried, I couldn't get my relationship back on track. Another guy came into this situation and swept me off my feet, giving me attention, and compliments, and making me feel sexy for the first time in a very long time. One thing led to another, and we ended up in bed. I regretted it the minute it was done, and told my boyfriend about it. It nearly destroyed our relationship, but we were both willing to fight for it, and he's never EVER taken me for granted again.

People are HUMAN. They make mistakes. It's as much (or MORE) the married person's fault as it is the person who is strung along by them.

Just remember---karma works. The condemnation you feel for someone whose situation you judge without attempting to understand will come back to you, when someone condemns you for a decision you make to try to be happy in your own life.

iAMfromHuntersBar · Jul 25, 2007, 08:01 AM

Synnen, thanks a million for sharing your experiences in this thread. Your post has just added a huge weight to what I was trying to put across.

People are far too happy sitting in their bubble, labelling people as black and white without any consideration for the grey areas real-life throws up.

Originally Posted by Synnen

People are HUMAN. They make mistakes.

Never a truer word spoken!

Originally Posted by The big J.C.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

J

Canada_Sweety · Jul 25, 2007, 09:39 AM

Yes, we all make mistakes and yes we deserve chances to be forgiven depending on said mistake. The extent of a mistake is what makes it bad or unforgivable.

startover22 · Jul 25, 2007, 11:49 AM

Whatever the situation is, learn from it. That is what I say, if you truly aren't sorry for it then you aren't growing like you should be. Jumans do make mistakes, I have made my share. I am not sure I know anyone that hasn't. Hugs to you all, Start

Kattalover · Jul 25, 2007, 12:39 PM

Originally Posted by victoria_mitchell

My X Fiance and I were deeply in love and so happy and because of a girl like you, hell maybe it was you, tore us apart.

Am I the only one who thinks that if somebody's happy in a relationship, they don't run off with some random hussie? And if somebody's unhappy but committed in a relationship, they try to work on the relationship and still don't run off with some random hussie.

tobeamiss · Jul 25, 2007, 01:05 PM

Synenn...

The marriage was over because she'd left him and had filed for divorce. I don't consider that cheating. The only thing that was left was the paperwork to finalize it.

And as for your cheating on your boyfriend, you weren't married, so no vows were broken. Before you get married is exactly the time to find yourself and work out issues you might have so that you won't feel the need to cheat when you are married.

GoldieMae · Jul 25, 2007, 01:15 PM

Synnen, et al. Seeing someone two years into a heated divorce is not cheating. No trust is broken, and the vows have long since been broken by him when he beat her, so she is no longer obligated to remain faithful. She's moving on with her life, simple as that.

You owned up to your mistake and worked to save your relationship. It's finding love and forgiveness after infidelity, which is a good thing.

What the OP is talking about are women with no sense of dignity who post to complain that the sleaze bags they are sleeping with behind wives' backs aren't leaving their wives or are cheating on with a third woman. These posters come across as vapid and selfish. It's very hard to offer the sympathy they seek given that we generally have a hard time wishing homewreckers well.

Now if a woman or man posted that s/he had made a mistake and had a one night stand, realized the mistake, and was desperate to fix the marriage, I am pretty sure the members of this board would offer sympathy and advice. i.e. get counseling, tell, don't tell, never give up hope, leave, or whatever the advice may be based on the facts.

paunash · Jul 25, 2007, 04:52 PM

Originally Posted by Pook_Myster

:eek: Hi Everyone,

Does anyone else get sick and tired of reading posts on here from women asking for advice on what to do because they are heartbroken and torn that they are dating married men?

I would like to open this up for all of us who aren't dating married men - and it can become a bit of a standing forum that all of those who are dating married men to refer to when they want advice.

1. Yes - you are stupid
2. No - He does not love you
3. No - he is not going to leave his wife
4. No - he is probably not going to get a divorce
5. Yes - if he cheated on his wife, he will probably cheat on you too.

Can we add all add from here and pray that it will mean we can all stop offering advice to those silly enough to believe what these nasty men say.

I understand that somebody can get sick and tired of reading such messages and letter. So, don't read. I would also recommend to check your own closet and your husband closet for hidden skeletons. Sorry.

hartford · May 4, 2008, 07:49 AM

Every situation is different with its own circumstances... sometimes life at home is just so miserable that TWO married people find solace in each other...

talaniman · May 4, 2008, 08:20 AM

Every situation is different with its own circumstances... sometimes life at home is just so miserable that TWO married people find solace in each other...

That doesn't make cheating right. Deal with why the home is so miserable, and change that, before you go swapping body fluid with a stranger. DUH!!!!!.