[Just Human]

Hello,

This will be a longish question, I apologize in advance.

My boyfriend of 4 years chose to end our relationship in February. We had lived together for 2 years. After 6 weeks he contacted me, telling me he had made a terrible mistake and wanted to come "home." I said no, moving back in was not an option and I needed a month to think. After dating for 6 months he had broken up and 3 weeks later had contacted me and we had gotten back together. Another data point, I am 34 and he is 40, neither of us are kids, he has been married twice, the first time for almost 9 years and the second for just a year. I have been married once, for 2 years.

After a month I agreed that we could try, I had found a marriage counselor who recommended the Prepare/Enrich, which we took online. I had held off on spending much time with him as I needed to know that the issues we had would be addressed and not "swept under the rug." Our relationship did not have much conflict as issues were not addressed by him, I tried to address things bugging me but he was often not receptive or would start blaming -- I have read a library of relationship books and try to stay focused on the issues and not get off track or into a "blame game." However, I'm no paragon of virtue, don't get me wrong, I just like resolution.

We attended one session with the counselor, I thought it was good, he did not talk about it, I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was being reflective, though I do not know. We had talked about getting together on 7/4 but it did not work out. He had invited me over to his place for dinner, however, the few times I have been over there have been very uncomfortable for me and I told him that. His reply was "Fine. You choose." I was hurt as there was no sense that he understood and seemed not to care. We never got it together and had a tense conversation on the phone. He told me that I was self-centered when I repeated my statement about being uncomfortable at his apartment. None of my friends have ever told me or suggested that I am self-centered, it didn't jive. I told him that and frustrated, said that we could talk more at the counselor's office.

He emailed to say that he would not be there to see the counselor, below is his email:

"First and foremost I am sorry for the silence treatment that I gave you yesterday but when I told you that I was going to do what the counselor said and not discuss our relationship, you ignored me and continued on your own. I had tons to say but I wasn't going to go against what he had suggested. So all I knew how to do was say nothing.

That being said, I feel like this is a vicious circle that we’re in and like the relationship we once had, I am unhappy, depressed, sad, angry and anxious all the time. This isn’t how I want to live my life. Up until a week ago, I had made great progress and was no longer any of these things. I’ve just fallen right back into hole I was in and I don’t like it.

You continue to rub my nose in the fact that I was the one who left as if you had nothing to do with it. Yes, I left. Yes I feel guilty about it and hate myself for how it has devastated your life and how that makes you feel. Yes, I’ve told you 100 times how sorry I am for it. But still you make the choice to not forgive me. And you make the choice to continue torub my nose in it and make me feel guilty.

You expect me to see your side and to understand and empathize with it, yet you seem to never realize that I need the same from you. I need only the smallest glimpse that you care and that you want to be together again but I never see or hear that. And no, “I wouldn’t be here if…. Blah, blah, blah” doesn’t work anymore. There are no actions behind those words anymore.

I know what I want and what I don’t. And perhaps this was never meant to be but what I do know is that it takes two to make a relationship and to break a relationship. I’m not willing to do 75% of the work and get nothing in return. I would be glad to do 90% of the work if I got even the smallest glimpse that things were going to work and that you indeed wanted it to work. Instead I feel as if I am only part of this so that you can work through your issues and that it has nothing to do with us.

And I’m fully aware that you will not agree with anything that I say and that you think I still don’t get anything that you’re telling me and think that you’re doing everything right and I am doing everything wrong. I’m sick to death of always being made to feel that what I’m doing is wrong. Or being told that what I’m feeling and what I need is wrong.

I’m not going to continue this until such time as your hate and anger towards me can be set aside and you’re willing to meet me half way. And if that never happens, I have no hard feelings and will always care about you. But for me, I can’t continue down this path with someone who can’t show me the smallest bit of consideration and show she still cares for me. I’m a very giving person but not to someone who can’t show me the same in return."

I felt this had crossed a line -- he emailed me instead of calling me, he decided to not go to counseling and he states how much he has done. I had found the counselor, made the arrangements and paid for the session and the Prepare/Enrich.

Ending a relationship is painful and for months/years there is pain. If there is a chance of a positive outcome I would rather work with what I havfe, we are attracted to each other, like each other and enjoy many things together and have a lot in common. We lack comm skills, conflict resolution and verbal intimacy.

Is this relationship hopeless? Should I put any more effort into this or is it doomed and time to move on and lick my wounds?

Thanks for your comments, I appreciate your patience and advice. :confused:

[Pook_Myster]

In relation to you feeling like he crossed a line by emailing instead of calling - I find that a very 'self-centred' comment to make... sorry. Have you for a moment thought about WHY he emailed instead of called. I know that for me, I find it so much easier to write what I want to say rather than say it sometimes, and I know that I can edit it to sound the way I intend it to, rather than offend or backpeddle... and I sometimes think that a letter is received in a way that isn't so confrontational, it gives the reader time to absorb what is being said, re-read and maybe gain better understanding. The poor man is trying his darndest and you seem to be turning your nose up at him. Not going to his place for dinner because you are uncomfortable... do you want the relationship to work or not - if you do, how about putting yourself out a little to try to make it work...

If all his efforts are being received in this way, no wonder he won't turn up at counseling - I wouldn't either!

Perhaps you should take a moment to appreciate what he does do, not only what he doesn't do... and maybe soften a little... like he said - meet him halfway.

[cschang]

A very important question is how much you want this relationship to work and how he means to you.

Based on his email, he does seem a very sincere person and at the very least, he was trying to tell you what he was not happy about. He did say he is willing to give the relationship a shot if he believes that you could understand him and make him feel appreciated. I think that's what he is looking for. For some reason, he doesn't feel he is appreciated.

Of course, if you don't want this relationship bad enough, you can stop reading it now. Don't try to figure out something to do because your ego was hurt. Be very truthful to your and figure out what is that your want.

If you want a relationship, then you need to start expressing yourself. He is right, by telling him, "i wouldn't be here if I don't like you" won't cut it. If you care about him, don't be stingy about telling him that you do. Say thank you more often and acknowledge whatever he is doing.

Keep in mind this is not a competition. Instead of thinking, "i can't believe he says how much he has done, i have done much more, " perhaps you want to think "hmm, i wonder why he had done to make him feel he had done all the work." Try to put yourself in his shoe and try to understand him. I don't you don't want to hear this, but I did hear a lot of "ME ME ME" in your posting. I hope my advise helps and I do consult for fee. Contact me if you want.

[Just Human]

Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it. And just to close the loop, it appears that it was a "kiss off" letter and there is no interest in any contact. It appears to be done.

Your perspectives were quite different from my counselor and my friends, and a relationship ending is one of the most painful things to experience, so I was still holding out, looking for some hope.

No doubt you are both right about the "me," his choosing to leave was very painful and regardless of the reasons, my share of the blame in getting us into a ditch, I felt extremely hurt that ending the relationship was his answer. I tend to to be a stubborn cuss and believe that issues can be resolved as long as both people want to work on them. And seeing beyond my pain was, and is, very difficult. Trusting that no sooner than I recommit to have him decide this was not for him was on my (yes, "my") mind. I was scared. Fearful of this happening again. Scared that we would never get to the point of collaborating to address issues.

I called him yesterday and left a message for him, asking him to meet me for dinner, telling him that I love him and miss him. There has not been a response, so I am quite sure that regardless of the statement in his last letter of mentioning "until" he has closed this out, and that is his choice.

But I do appreciate the perspective you offered me, it made me think about this in a different way, and although this was just a small piece, your feedback was different than what I have heard from other sources. Now I will simply get on with it, there is nothing else to do. But again, my sincerest thanks.