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    taarthi's Avatar
    taarthi Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Jul 8, 2007, 05:59 PM
    I am having Chronic Renal Failure and I want to die before surgery!
    My creatinine levels are rising and I don't have the strength to face transplantation or dialysis. I constantly think of killing myself. But I love my husband so much and don't want to disappoint him. But I hate living this way in fear every day every minute. I am caught.. I want to die but cannot die as my husband would get shattered if I die.. I don't know what to do..
    CaptainRich's Avatar
    CaptainRich Posts: 4,492, Reputation: 537
    Cars & Trucks Expert
     
    #2

    Jul 8, 2007, 08:20 PM
    I don't believe you want to die. I think you don't want to suffer. And you don't want your husband to suffer, either.
    But it doesn't work like that. Nobody has any options here. How do I know? My wife has been through, and is going through, exactly that and more. She hasn't given up, even with stage 4 lung cancer (second battle with cancer in three years)
    You can do some of the things you want, but you should try to be alive as long as you live, because you're a long time dead.
    It's not easy. Do you wish what you're enduring on someone else? I'll take it. I've lived a full life. I wish I could reverse roles with my wife, or maybe even you. But I can't. Your husband can't. My wife is the best person I've ever met. And I've met a few!
    Look up! You have more in your corner than you realize. Be strong and stay strong. We want you here tomorrow.
    bushg's Avatar
    bushg Posts: 3,433, Reputation: 596
    Ultra Member
     
    #3

    Jul 8, 2007, 09:07 PM
    Don't you dare give up ! Have seen people live after losing their kidneys and after transplant.Iknow it is not easy but you can do it. Just one doctor appointment at a time. My son has spent weks on end in the hospitial, and we meet kids that were on their 2nd and 3rd transplant. Lean on your husband and family and you will get through this. Post back from time to time and we will give you encouragement. But do not give up.This post brings tears into my eyes. My son was 4 1/2 years old and diagnosed with a rare kidney disease. He weighed 40 pounds at the time. He was getting ready to start preschool that fall. He had been for his yearly physical 2 weeks prior to the onset. He started slowly swelling his face feet and legs. Soon any place that could fill with extra water was ingorged. Within the next 6 months he had strep back to back so many time he had to leave pre school, he had chronic ear infections, and bronchitis etc. He weighed 90+ pounds and his kidneys functioned at about a 15 percent level. He took predisone , lasix, prilosec, tagament, a beta blockers,chemo drugs, and anti rejection medication (sandiummine cyclosporine. I am sorry but it has been years and I have forgotten some of the meds. I watch this child get choked on his blood clots and I dug them from his throat while he was gaging, I saw his black tarry poop from the ulcers, I saw him dig his fingers and scream in pain for hours on end. His hair fell out, he grew hair on his ears, his feet, he did not grow 1 inch in a year. But he continued to gain water weight. He stopped eating and was put on a feeding tube. He was malnourished, after each feeding he would throw most of it back up. He had transfusions from the loss of blood due to the ulcers. His body started to seep water from his both sides and his scrotum. He has strech marks from his ankles to his groin on both legs and his sides looks like he has been burned but it is strect marks. I prayed for them to do a transplant or to start dialysis. But they maintained that his kidneys may start to function after they took his immune system down an built it back up. The last drug they tried was the anti rejection drug. It worked. He has been in and out of remission for years and each day I look at him I am grateful the he is with me. My son is 17 1/2 years old and this week is 13 years since he was diagnosed.
    taarthi's Avatar
    taarthi Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #4

    Jul 9, 2007, 10:02 AM
    Thank you so much for your answers! They helped me a lot.. But I have this guilty feeling that my husband is suffering because of me :(.. My husband knew my problem when he proposed to me and I think may be.. may be I should have said NO to him.. If I had said no to him, I would been the most unlucky girl by lsing out such a wonderful person in my life.. But if I had said No, I would have saved him from all these problems! I am not able to see him suffering.. He says he is fine with me and Loves me more than anything in this world.. But I feel that I am not doing justice to him.. Why should he suffer? He deserves a better life.. It is my fate that I have to undergo all this.. But why him? I don't know an answer to this question.. At times I feel, if I die, my husband would suffer but may be.. may be in few years he would forget me and stay happy with another healthy girl.. The very thought of him with another girl kills me, but at least he will be happy! I just get caught in all these thoughts and get really depressed.. The more I get depressed, more I cry and more my husband gets disappointed with me.. He wants me to keep smiling always but it is too difficult for me.. I really don't know what to do.. Nobody has got a solution for this :(
    CaptainRich's Avatar
    CaptainRich Posts: 4,492, Reputation: 537
    Cars & Trucks Expert
     
    #5

    Jul 9, 2007, 07:17 PM
    I struggled and fought for answers. I tried to find a way to justify what's going on. And I realized that what has happened didn't happen to her
    What happened, happened for us. It has made us stronger as individuals and has made us stronger partners.
    I feel let down when I see her suffer. And she tries to hide it. But we've been life partners for nearly thirty years. Nobody hides anything for too long. Your partner in life also needs to feel important. Not the, "Oh, Baby! You're the best!" kind of thing (though that's good, too) I want to make her life as good as I can, every chance I get. And that makes me feel important. She asked me, when all this first started, if I wanted out. I was shocked! She said she heard most people wanted out about then.
    I never considered I had that option. Remember what you said to each other on that fateful day? Me, too! And I don't remember hearing anything about bailing out when the going gets tough! I wouldn't want her to bail out on me!
    So, the beat goes on. We never miss an opportunity to say, "I love you!"
    Matt3046's Avatar
    Matt3046 Posts: 831, Reputation: 128
    Senior Member
     
    #6

    Jul 9, 2007, 07:54 PM
    Try God.
    bushg's Avatar
    bushg Posts: 3,433, Reputation: 596
    Ultra Member
     
    #7

    Jul 9, 2007, 08:20 PM
    My son was in relaspe the first time I heard this song. For me it says it all. "The Dance"Looking back on the memory of
    The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone
    For a moment all the world was right
    How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

    And now I'm glad I didn't know
    The way it all would end the way it all would go
    Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
    But I'd of had to miss the dance

    Holding you I held everything
    For a moment wasn't I a king
    But if I'd only known how the king would fall
    Hey who's to say you know I might have chanced it all

    And now I'm glad I didn't know
    The way it all would end the way it all would go
    Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
    But I'd of had to miss the dance

    Yes my life is better left to chance
    I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance
    paulbow69's Avatar
    paulbow69 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #8

    Apr 1, 2012, 09:19 PM
    I am 28 and have end stage renal failure and all the pain and loseing my mind to the point I thought I was insane I had one thought stuck in my head and the only way was get in shower spin around and scald and then freeze myself with water to make it stop, I've realized I really hate life I want to leave this world more then anything but my problem is to many people trying to make me feal bad if I go, my treatment make me visously sick, and it seems hard to keep faith with this much pain an insanity going on.

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