[talaniman]

Originally Posted by clandestine1
True enough...I guess it just brought it all back, ya know? And it made me wonder...am I gonna hear from him again?

Talaniman: How do I know he hasn't changed at all if I stay NC? Just a question I was wondering about...

For a while you will hear from him, and as to has he changed? Not something you should be concerned with, it detracts focus on YOU, and what your doing for YOURSELF. There is no need to worry about him, and his motives, only yours, so get your healing, and leave his life alone, and as the confusion clears you will be glad you didn't slide back into his influence.

[clandestine1]

As of tomorrow, it will have been 2 years that we've been broken up. 2 weeks before my birthday, and after hearing from him for the first time in 6 months... it was nice.

I know I probably won't hear from him on my birthday, I know that he's still with the girl he got with right after we'd been hooking up, and I know that regardless of what everyone says I do still miss him. I'm not sure it ever does go away, that feeling of missing your first love. I've physically moved on, I've made out with other guys, gotten to know other guys, and yet I've never clicked with any other guy the way I did with my ex when we first met.

Now... he's with someone new, and I've heard from mutual friends that he doesn't exactly treat her like a princess so to speak, but she's head over heels for him. In part, I'm happy for him because that's what you want for someone you love: for them to be happy. But on the other hand.. its really hard to deal with, which is why I went NC and told him being just friends wasn't possible because it hurt too much to watch him be with someone else.

So now she's the one he talks to and complains to, but that used to be me. & I'm having a really hard time with tomorrow's significance and my upcoming birthday and just... hearing about their relationship from mutual friends... I just needed to post... it helps...

I'm just having a really rough night and its better to write it all out on here than to talk to friends... posting on this board helps, I just... I need anything. Encouragement, support, I don't even know what it is I'm looking for. I just feel pretty lost right about now. I've dated, I've met guy after guy, and knowing the ex is happy while I'm still alone just makes it worse. I feel like I will never have that, and I was positive and stayed optimistic and tonight I just don't feel anything at all except alone.

[MayMsredrose]

Happy Birthday... Well you are not alone... Yesterday was my birthday and I felt the same too... I know it hurts when you hear your ex is doing great and living his life while he ruins yours... Your problem is worse because you have common friends whom will keep on updating you with his news which does not give you break to forget about him... can not you stay away from them or do anything to avoid updating yourself with his news?? Neither your Ex nor mine deserve our love... I have wasted 9 years of my life after we broke up and the on & off thing and I end up alone yesterday because am unable to love anymore while he is enjoying his life... I think your Ex- is just like mine he contact you from time to time to find out if you are over him or not yet... they enjoy seeing us suffering I guess... do not do it to yourself... Buy yourself something WOW, plan something for yourself with family or close friends... do not stay alone and think...

Take care of yourself.

Ms. Redrose

As of tomorrow, it will have been 2 years that we've been broken up. 2 weeks before my birthday, and after hearing from him for the first time in 6 months...it was nice.

I know I probably won't hear from him on my birthday, I know that he's still with the girl he got with right after we'd been hooking up, and I know that regardless of what everyone says I do still miss him. I'm not sure it ever does go away, that feeling of missing your first love. I've physically moved on, I've made out with other guys, gotten to know other guys, and yet I've never clicked with any other guy the way I did with my ex when we first met.

Now...he's with someone new, and I've heard from mutual friends that he doesn't exactly treat her like a princess so to speak, but she's head over heels for him. In part, I'm happy for him because thats what you want for someone you love: for them to be happy. But on the other hand..its really hard to deal with, which is why I went NC and told him being just friends wasn't possible because it hurt too much to watch him be with someone else.

So now she's the one he talks to and complains to, but that used to be me. & I'm having a really hard time with tomorrow's significance and my upcoming birthday and just...hearing about their relationship from mutual friends...I just needed to post...it helps...

I'm just having a really rough night and its better to write it all out on here than to talk to friends....posting on this board helps, I just...I need anything. Encouragement, support, I don't even know what it is I'm looking for. I just feel pretty lost right about now. I've dated, I've met guy after guy, and knowing the ex is happy while I'm still alone just makes it worse. I feel like I will never have that, and I was positive and stayed optimistic and tonight I just don't feel anything at all except alone.

[FrOsT_bItE]

you quoted me...but no response lol...wasn't sure if that was intentional or if you just forgot to write something??

Sorry, I was in a rush that day and I forgot to write my own part. Sorry

[clandestine1]

Its been 2 months since I've heard from the ex, and I was fine with that. Then last night, we saw each other while out and he IMed me when he got home to talk. We talked online for well over two hours, easy enough when you're online anyway, and he basically said "she's cool" but their relationship lacks certain sexual aspects ours had. Which then led to "its not THAT serious" "its not like I'm living with her or plan on marrying her" and it's a sucky situation because I don't know what to say back to that. This is the 3rd time in their relationship he's sought me out, and the part that bothers me is he had PLENTY of time to decide if he wanted to try again. He chose to date someone new and I left the picture so we could both move on. Now I'm hearing their relationship isn't serious, that he and I are "friends", and one of my biggest fears is being realized.

Before I'd had time to myself to think clearly, I'd worry he'd find someone he felt strongly for, seeing as we were each others firsts. Eventually I came to terms with the reality of it and I told myself to be happy for him. To know he's happy and that even if its not me, he's found someone he really likes. He was the one shoving it in my face that it WAS serious when they first started dating...

The just friends line bothers me because he'll say he just likes me as a friend, but his actions say otherwise and he never fesses up to it. Just keeps hiding behind that, never ready to take that risk, and he's told me plenty of times "every girl since has just been there. I haven't felt that way since.." So its hard hearing its not that serious with them (from his POV) after 10 months, same amount of time we were together. I let him go so he could find what he wanted, so he could do his own thing & I could do mine...

What do I do?

[asking]

He sounds incredibly selfish and two-faced to me. He is telling you he's not serious about her and he probably told her he wasn't serious about you. He's maybe not serious about anyone and definitely hasn't found himself. I think you are lucky he broke up with you. Hooray! Now avoid him like the plague because no matter what he says, you will eventually end up feeling bad because of it. He's toxic. Just be you and hang out with your friends, make some new friends. Try some new things. Enjoy life. One day you will meet a nice person who will appreciate you. Or that's what I think anyway.
Good luck,
Asking

[jeffatl]

I agree with asking. This guy wants to toy with you a little. He sounds insecure so he wants attention from women. Let it go, and leave him be. You will find a MUCH better guy.

[jeffatl]

p.s. Us good guys are still out there, girls just never seem to look for us.

[whiteribbon]

I would ignore him he's playing games with you by the sounds of it - don't be his friend he doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve having his new relationships shoved in your face - shows what a selfish uncaring person he is! Leave well alone and concentrate on you and the lucky man of your future! :)

[clandestine1]

My initial thought is... although we were flirtatious and reminisced about it, I still have the upper hand. If he keeps coming back because he wants something that I won't give him... I can blow it off and continue what I've been doing, NC mainly. "Build up the attraction, then pull away." The facts are in front of me: He'd cheat on his girlfriend, he wants sexual needs met and thinks he can get that from me, and no matter how much time goes by he'll show up again more persistent each time. So let him stay with her, I can walk away knowing what I'm dealing with.

[clandestine1]

Part of me just misses our friendship. Sure, hooking up with him is fun and it feels good to just lay on his couch together after, he's never treated me like a w*ore in that sense. But mostly I just miss talking to him, knowing what's going on in his life, hanging out and just having fun together. Part of the problem is with us, its always one or the other. In a relationship, we didn't want to have too much sexual interaction because we both agreed it should be based on much more than that. Well, over time it felt more like we were just friends. The whole time we dated, we were both too shy to make the first move, never initiated anything, and after we broke up we talked about how neither of us was sure how to. Once we started hanging out again as just friends and became comfortable with each other again, the hooking up part just happened one night after seeing a movie. Since we'd both had other experiences, making the first move and having that wasn't so hard anymore.

I know myself well enough to know I wouldn't do anything with him while he has a girlfriend. But I miss our friendship... and that makes this hard, too.

[clandestine1]

The next time we talk should I say that I don't think us hooking up is a good idea, considering we left off with the basic impression that we would hook up? I want it to be understood by anyone reading this that I don't sleep around, I've kissed exactly 4 guys in my life, and I'm at a point where I'd be ready to start playing the field, as you said. But there's a good chance he'll be annoyed once I say I don't want to hook up with him after saying we could... Because he's the one who'd bring it up... I'd say something along the lines of:

"If we were to hook up when you're single, our friendship would be all about that, and I'd rather have a friendship with you than anything else. Part of why we've stayed in each others lives this long is because we're both, for the most part, good people. I care about you, and you've said you care about me too so why not focus on being just friends legitimately instead of anything else?"

As friends, we get along and things are fine. Its only been when we start hooking up that we go back to the push-pull and confusing mixed signals and I start falling for him again. I just don't want him to be mad at me for it, either and think I'm crazy because I changed my mind.

[Bubbler]

He sounds like a PLAYER!

You are a good person and remember that! And keep telling yourself this.

People are Ex's for a raison and this is something that we push out of our minds when we start looking at things with rose tinted glasses. We get scared of being alone and sometimes we miss the special times we had with that person, but then we also need to think about the times that we cryed and where hurt deep too, and that's why there no longer in our lives in the same way.

[asking]

Hi Clandestine,
I've lost track of what your question is. It still sounds to me like this guy confuses you and isn't good for you. He doesn't sound straight forward or honorable. I think you should focus on developing other friendships and stop thinking about him. He has a girlfriend. Personally, if I were his girlfriend, I would not like to have him lying around on a couch talking to someone else for long periods, trying to decide if it's a sexual relationship or not or could be or should be, even if they weren't actually having sex. I would invoke the golden rule here, do onto others as you would have them do onto you. I gather you are still pretty young and he's your only serious relationship. Don't move backwards to him, even if you are trying to persuade yourself it's just as friends. Move forward and find some new friends, preferably ones who don't tie you in knots.
Good luck!
Asking

[whiteribbon]

Hi Clandestine,
I've lost track of what your question is. It still sounds to me like this guy confuses you and isn't good for you. He doesn't sound straight forward or honorable. I think you should focus on developing other friendships and stop thinking about him. He has a girlfriend. Personally, if I were his girlfriend, I would not like to have him lying around on a couch talking to someone else for long periods, trying to decide if it's a sexual relationship or not or could be or should be, even if they weren't actually having sex. I would invoke the golden rule here, do onto others as you would have them do onto you. I gather you are still pretty young and he's your only serious relationship. Don't move backwards to him, even if you are trying to persuade yourself it's just as friends. Move forward and find some new friends, preferably ones who don't tie you in knots.
Good luck!
Asking

Exactly - don't waste your time - move on and upwards, remove the confusion - HIM! Go off and be happy and leave the waster in the dirt! :)

[clandestine1]

After 6 months of NC, my ex, *Colin made contact. We had a brief conversation online and then, I made sure to stay offline and go about my life the way I had been. 2 months later, I ended up staying later than I was supposed to at work and on the way home ended up passing Colin and his friend as they were walking down the block. They hadn't seen me so I pretended I didn't see them and drove by. When I got home, Colin IM'ed me shortly after to say he saw me drive by. Again, we were talking for a bit and re-added each other back on Facebook. His relationship status still reads "In a Relationship" but I'd come to terms with that in the 6 months we hadn't spoken.

The conversation became more flirty, and we left it at that. A few nights later, we talk online again, but nothing major. I stayed offline for about a week and received a text early one morning when Colin got home from work. We text back and forth a few times, leave it at that. I decide to text him to see if he'd like to go for lunch, as he's made all the contact thus far, and get no reply. Turns out, he was sleeping because he does graveyard shifts in the city as a cop. He calls early the next morning to apologize for getting back to me so late and we talk on the phone for an hour, just catching up. He invited me over and we're hanging out, and he's poking me in the stomach, complimenting that I've been working out, wants to see my belly-button ring, etc.

So we were upstairs in his room where the video game console is and he says, "Please, sit." I sit on his bed and he lays his head down on my lap, poking me, being cute like he used to when we were still together. We played Guitar Hero III, talked, joked around, and had a great time. Except.. he has a girlfriend. While we were hanging out, I didn't feel all of the emotions I thought I would feel, it just felt like hanging out with a friend. I also know I'm pretty guarded where he's concerned because of how badly he's hurt me in the past. He pointed out that he still has the framed star certificate I had named after him hanging on his wall, and when we were talking about his girlfriend, he said, "Its not that serious." I didn't ask too many questions, I let him say anything on his own for the most part. I asked if they said I love you, as they've been together a year and he said, "She does, I don't say it back though." Not surprising, he's never been able to say it to anyone. He said she's cool, but it annoys him sometimes because she'll say she likes a certain type of music but when he asks if she knows what it is, she doesn't know. "Don't tell me you like something if you don't even know what it is." He was saying what I already knew, they see each other about once a week.

So after hanging out all afternoon, he walked me downstairs and hugged me goodbye. It was the most fun I've had with him in a really long time, and I've really missed spending time with him. He said that he just feels "desensitized" to everything, and I think part of that comes from being a cop. He's always felt like he can talk to me about anything, and that's true he can, but I got so used to to the fact that we would probably never speak again that this is kind of surreal. I want to be there for him, but I'm not sure how to be or where I fit in anymore. I know I still have feelings for him, but I'm a lot more guarded now than I was back then, and I'm just scared to let him in.

Advice?

[Sad Soul]

I would say to still be guarded, and don't be too available for him. He's probably seeing that this new girl isn't working out, and is checking to see how secure he is in getting you back, at his command or whenever he chooses.

You have to keep him on his toes. Don't play games, but still, keep a little bit of distance until he makes it more clear about what he wants.

Good luck.

[clandestine1]

Pretty much what ended up coming out... he doesn't feel guilty for hanging out with me because "he's not married and isn't living with her" and since its "not that serious" he should be allowed to do what he wants with other girls... And because of those reasons, he wouldn't feel bad about cheating on her... and we did end up messing around, everything but sex.

[madaman]

To me, that speaks a ton of his character. You don't really know how serious he is with her, he could be lying to you. Just remember that if he is willing to cheat on the girl he has now, what's to stop him from doing it later if you started dating again? Food for thought. You know him better than we do.

[Sad Soul]

Pretty much what ended up coming out...he doesn't feel guilty for hanging out with me because "he's not married and isn't living with her" and since its "not that serious" he should be allowed to do what he wants with other girls...And because of those reasons, he wouldn't feel bad about cheating on her...and we did end up messing around, everything but sex.

Whoah. Okay, this guy is not worth you or her. If he can't take his actual girlfriend that seriously, what makes you think you're being taken seriously?

Do you understand what I'm saying? If she's something to be cheated on in his book, then, even though he won't admit it, he probably feels that you're not worth that much either.

Show him how much you are worth by not giving him the time of day. Trust that this guy is never going to be happy and is never going to make anyone happy.

Leave him to burry himself under his own house of cards.