[talaniman]

Sandstorm99 Yeah. I trusted her with my heart and she broke it. I couldn't forgive her for that unless she showed up at my house and apologized. Thousands of phone calls won't be enough, I can't accept that.

From what you wrote she had little choice but to kick you to the curb, and its pretty arrogant and selfish to lay all the blame at her feet and take none for yourself. You sound like a bully with a temper problem, who uses physical force or breaking things to get your way. I bet that scared the hell out of her, and really did wonders for the relationship. If half what you wrote is true, then it would be safe to say you f'd up.

Another slap in the face is that she gave me a thank you card to give to my parents, brothers and sisters. She wanted to thank them for everything they did and know she cared. My family didn't do anything compared to what I did for her. Where is my thank you card. What a joke!! Just another reason to never pick up that phone.

Again belittle others as you blow your own horn, and have the gall to be mad. You really deserve a prize alright

Originally Posted by Sandstorm99
I eventually told her I hate this relationship and that i'm sick of trying and she wasn't doing anything.

Anyone would be hurt by this outburst. Part of your problem is you have no communication skills and for sure you don't listen.

I feel as if I don't try at least one last time that it will haunt me the rest of my life. I really feel she is too stubborn, and couldn't swallow her pride if she did want to get back together.

This is all about you, and I think you should leave her alone until you can do better than blame all this on someone else, and take responsibility for running her away by being a selfish one way bully, who should be working on his issues, and trying to learn how to communicate in something other than threats and ultimatums. If you where serious about being with this female you would be going through a honest self examination and putting in the work necessary to improve yourself, instead of bashing her for your misery. Sorry guy I think you should leave her alone and focus on you. If you want to see your problem, just look in the mirror.

[mckenzie134]

Please dot call there is nothing you can do...

You MUST wait itout if she does not contact you its over...

DO NOT CONTACT HER FORGOODNESSSAKE can't you readher she wants to MISS you by talking to her shewill not miss you!
Makeherfeel the void, your still in there mateonly you can loseher now by doingthewrong thing...

Think about it whe you firstmeet someone youdont bugthem you conact nowand then YSTERIOUS.

Wll nowyou needtobe extramysterious small contact wikll not refill herlove tank only the fact of MSSIG you can return herto you now. And when I say missing you she must feel a voidin herlife.Wateveryou do listen carefullyandlook at watkept te passion in the relationship for 4 years. Er miising you on occasions when you wernt around DID she evertext you IM MISSINGYOU' Ifso MAKE HERMISS you do NOTHING. And that means NOTHING!! Let her contact you anddontanswer call back later BUILD THE TENSION. From reading your post she is basically telling you how to win her back butyou areto blinded to see what she is saying. Sheisnot saying keepsmallcontact SHe issaying I don't feellike I used to , I used to miss youallthe timeand now I Don't..

BUDDY MAKE ERMISSYOU NEVER COTACT HERAGAIN SHE WILL COTACTYOU 4 YEARS JUSTDOEST GO OUTTHE WINDOW ITSSTILLIN HER HEART SHE WILL BEMISSING YOU HAE BELIEFINTHIS AND YOU WILL WINHER BACK< FALL WEAK AND YOU ILL PUSH HER AWAY>>>NOTHING!!

[dreamguy]

My situation was alot like yours. I think the majority of the problem rests on her shoulders. She is going through a ruff patch. She hates her job....she doesn't like where she lives....she is working her butt off. She is depressed.

What im trying to say is that just like in my situation....you where the first thing to go because she couldn't deal with you and all her own problems at the same time.

I don't know what advice to give you really. No contact is good. But in my situation, we stayed friends and she has become a happy person after working through her problems. She has asked me to move in with her and be together again after a year. Like your ex....my ex didn't like her job or where we lived. She was depressed. But she knew that she had to take care of her first. I wish that should could have done it with my help but maybe it was something she had to do on her own.

Maybe this will help....maybe not..

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...her-93599.html

Blame it on the rough patch?? Hmmm. My ex blamed our breakup on her rough patch. She lost both her father and her grandmother last year. But when I think about it aren't rough patches supposed to be a time when couples draw closer together? Aren't rough patches a time to lean on each other and be supportive?

My ex has no idea how breaking up with me during her rough patch has put a blow to myself esteem. I could have been there for her to help her through it! She claims she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown in the final days of our relationship. I resent her very much.

I'm becoming more convinced that rough patches are a lame excuse to break up over.

[Sandstorm99]

Talaniman. You are very correct in what you say. I did break some things a few times and she even said that is what started to make her feel nothing for me. Combine that with a lack of affection from me for a few months and this is what you end up with. I was never a bully or put a single hand on her. I am very guilty of destroying the love and attraction she had for me. I wrote her a long note when we broke up and explained how I felt and how I would change. Yes that is rather lame but I had to get it off my chest. It wasn't really right of me to tell her that she needed to move her clothes out right away, that was sort of a mistake. To top it all off I told her I couldn't be friends and that we couldnt' talk. So basically I don't blame her for not wanting to call me. She said she agreed that she wouldn't string me along. But part of me thinks that this will make it much more difficult for her to come back. I think since most of this is my fault that I should give her this time without talking so she can see how she really feels. Then I plan to initiate contact and see where her heart might be. I really feel as If I have to start over from the beginning when we were friends for a year.

She is not miss innocent but almost all of the blame rests on me. I couldn't believe how bad she was crying when she said she wanted to break up, that was a very difficult decision for her. Her dad even called me the next day to see how I was doing because he didn't know what to do when his daughter was crying so bad. She did mention that maybe we would get back together down the road after she finds herself or figures out where her life is going.

Mckenzie. I totally understand what you are saying. You are definitely one of the toughest no contact people I know. Some day I'll have to do what you say but I really need to initiate contact because I was the one who told her to let me be.

[Sandstorm99]

I thank you all for you kind words. It really helps to hear everyone's opinions. They are all extremely helpful. I just feel as if I should be talking to her and offering her support throughout this tough time in her life. I've kind of screwed myself when I told her not to contact me because I might be seeing other girls and that I didn't want her to string me along. Basically I wanted to move on but I'm not doing a darn thing. I'm stuck here. I plan to contact her next week and set up a time to meet and have a cappuccino. I think next week will be 3 weeks since I've last seen her with very light contact(one 4 minute phone call). I wanted to find a way to explain to her that she can call me without sounding stupid.

[talaniman]

Just be patient and work on yourself, as your impulsive behavior is at the root of all this chaos.

[talaniman]

Sandstorm99,I thank you all for you kind words. It really helps to hear everyone's opinions. They are all extremely helpful. I just feel as if I should be talking to her and offering her support throughout this tough time in her life.

Hard to do any supporting when some one is pissed at you. Or are you starting to convince yourself that she needs you for her own good???

I've kind of screwed myself when I told her not to contact me because I might be seeing other girls and that I didn't want her to string me along.

That was your fears and insecurity talking, and had you expressed yourself in a less threatening manner , who knows, if it would have made a difference?

Basically I wanted to move on but I'm not doing a darn thing. I'm stuck here.

Of course as all this is new and fresh, thats why its important to take the time to let the emotional dust settle so you can look at your situation with a clear head.

I plan to contact her next week and set up a time to meet and have a cappuccino.

Get unstuck first so you can focus on what happened and what needs to be done.

I think next week will be 3 weeks since I've last seen her with very light contact(one 4 minute phone call). I wanted to find a way to explain to her that she can call me without sounding stupid.

I think you should give it time and not rush in like a bull in a china shop. Be less impulsive, more thoughtful. She will call if she wants to, without ant magnanimous offering from you. Fix you first, before you go about anything else. As it is you can only offer more of the same and we can all see where that got you.

[Sandstorm99]

Talaniman. I think you know me better than I know myself. Impulsive mixed with trust issues(past experiences) is the best way to describe the things that turned her off the most. You are very correct.


A little update here: So last night I couldn't help myself so I rang her(yes the impulsive demon). She sounded very excited to talk to me. She was in the middle of doing something that required two hands(fixing her girlfriends hair) but she didn't ignore the call. We talked for about 4-5 minutes and then I let her go nicely. So later that night I get a phone call. She was balling her eyes out and said she is very sick. I could hardly make out her words. Basically she hadn't drank in a long time and she went overboard. I had never heard her like this before. Part of me wanted to say tough and hang up but I tried my best to comfort her with words. Then I heard her trying to throw up. I asked her if she wanted me to come and get her because it sounded like the girls with her didn't know what to do. She said yes come get her. Then her girlfriend got on the phone and said that would be very nice if I could come get her. So I got over there and they were out in the parking lot keeping her up. She was a complete mess. They helped me get her in my car. Took her home and watched her throw up all night. I was rather worried because she wasn't breathing properly and kept trying to pass out on her back. So after about 2 hours of convincing her to drink water and get in bed she finally made it. Most of the time I had to carry her around. I sat there most of the night like her mother making sure she didn't pass out on her back and choke on her vomit. She went to sleep and I pondered if I did the right thing by picking her up. Well in the morning I took her back to her car and we grabbed some fast food real quick because her stomach was on compete empty. Just before she got in her car she gave me the strongest hug I've ever seen from her. She thanked me for taking care of her last night. And she said how I look so much better in just a month. I said "yeah ur just saying that" She said "no I can feel it when I hug you and your face shows it too." Then out of nowhere, she caught me by surprise and gave me a kiss. I didn't know what to do so I held her face we kissed like 5 times. Not making out kisses but serious kisses. They really felt like meaningful kisses. I know she is not the type to mess with my head or lead me on. Any type of kiss was completely off limits about 3 weeks ago when I started no contact. But for some reason it was OK and I didn't ask a word why. I am now fighting my impulsive side that wants to call her. I wasn't really planning on calling her until Tuesday next week. She had to work all day and I wasn't planning on setting up a mini date until next week. Hmmm. I could easily rush this and ruin it.

[Sandstorm99]

Ok another update:
So later that night after the morning kiss I get a text "thanks for being there for me last night. I shouldn't have called you though and i'm sorry" I didn't feel like texting so I just called her. She said she didn't mean to call me and that she doesn't want to hurt me because she might be moving. She said why get back together if she has to move, I said nothing about getting back together and she pulled that out of nowhere. She said she has to find herself. I guess maybe she is lost in what she wants to do in life. She isn't moving anywhere. She is too far in debt. And stupid me asked what the kiss was about, she said it felt like the right thing to do. I said it felt like our very first kiss from ages ago. I told her that she shouldn't be afraid to call because I just wanted several weeks to myself where I could be alone and not talk to her. I have no clue what she is actually thinking now. So I asked her if she wanted to get coffee later that week and she didn't want to get coffee. She wanted to go to dinner, I didn't want to give her a hint of a date but she recommened dinner. I just said that she needs to talk to someone about all this stuff happening in her life before she has a breakdown. Instead of later in the week she recommended the next night.

So we went out to eat. We mainly talked about all the things in her life. I offered as much advice as I could give. She seemed rather happy, I didn't mention anything about our relationship or getting back together. She was being really down on herself and I offered all the compliments I could have how smart she is and how I have much respect for her ability to work so hard, night and day. I did my best to explain to her that everyone usually goes through this stage before they graduate where they think they have to immediately make up their mind on what they want to do in life. Then I brought her back to her car and she said "thank you very much for talking to me about things". We hugged and she turned her cheek towards my face so I could kiss it. I kissed her cheek and asked "what happened to kissing on the lips?" She said "we are friends." Stupid me said "oh but yesterday the lips weren't off limits." I laughed and said jokingly "can we have a slumber party then?" She drove away. Friends?? Oh my, is this the dreaded friendship trap? Or should I just continue to be respectful and offer her support?

[samesame]

Sandstorm,

This is 100% the same situation as mine... even from the coffee to dinner and end kiss on the cheek and friends bit. Even down to the School and graduating and trying to find herself. I'm telling you. Stay the hell away from her now before you mess things up. I didn't stay away and all I did was allow her to reinforce the "friend thing". And all it's going to do is eat at you until you can't take it anymore, bring up the relationship again, and ultimately push her away more. That is where I am now, and I regret it completely. She is confused. Stay away and she will come back sooner. The more you keep contact, the longer she will stay away and the worse your chances get of her ever feeling for you the same way she did. Leave it before it turns to friends and she loses that feeling forever. Set an amount of time to hold out... maybe no contact for 3 months. And stick to it. Only then will things start to become more clear. You can't do anything now but harm if you keep contact. Look at the things you said to her... your words are only going to hurt you and your chances now because you're not strong right now. You want her back and you'll keep slipping up, messing things up and pushing her away if you don't pull yourself out of the picture and recompose and strengthen yourself. It's been 4 years and she is confused. You're not going to lose her for backing off for a few weeks.

[Sandstorm99]

Oh yeah. And she invited me to her graduation party in a month. I'd have to be insane to go to her graduation party as the ex boyfriend friend. I would feel way too stupid if I went.

Same same. This could be an endless cycle. I could go another two weeks without talking and do all this crap all over again. I think I need to go meet another girl asap even though rebound relationships suck. She never asked what I've been doing lately when we went out to eat. Not one question about how things are going.

[samesame]

Yeah, that is dangerous. Like I told you before, I invited my "ex" to my b-day two months after she broke up with me and 2 months of no contact. She accepted and came and all it did was ruin my b-day really. She was there but as my "friend" only and that sucks. Worst part, 2 weeks later it was her b-day and I never got invited.

It sounds like she's confused right now about herself and where she wants to go. But whatever the reason, things are not balanced now or stable. They're a mess really. All I can say is back off.

Think about it. She didn't even ask you about what you've been doing lately. Neither did my ex. And when they do it's only out of politeness. That is a major indicator of what is going on in their heads right now - it's all about her right now. You're not in her picture.

It's a tough road no matter what. Rebound? Not a good idea I don't think. Think about how you feel now. Don't mess with some other girls heart to make yourself feel better, you know. It won't last either. I went out this weekend and hit on a few girls, made out with one, and you know what. I did feel better for a day or two, but today I'm back in the dumps thinking about my ex again.

Only thing I haven't completely tried yet is no contact. See how long you can go (1 month, 3 months, a year) but leave the ball in their court and walk away. Get rid of all her stuff. Pictures and any reminders, etc. Put them in a box somewhere. I did that and it helps. And just take it day by day. Do what she's doing and live for yourself. Eventually she will wonder what you are doing and she will ask... and who knows, maybe at that time you won't care to ask her.

[samesame]

Come to think of it. My Doctor recommended me to take a Vacation. I think I might go away in August with some friends. Maybe you should plan a trip. Get away and have some fun. That might help accelerate the healing.

[vivia12]

I feel the same way, why should I contact someone who doesn't want to be with me and is so heartless about it, it is very difficult,and that's why I'm reading about this NC everyday so I Don't contact him,stay strong and remember you are definitely not alone.

No contact speaks volumes

[mckenzie134]

GEEEZZZZZ!!

You come here looking for advice and you are still in contact with her!!

You do not understand I've bennthrough all this crap your going through and what she is doing to you is what all females do in your position!! She is unsure what she wants and BOY have I been in that position where you had a pash... well after a month my ex told me to stay over with her and we slept together and you know what a couple of days lateer I saw her tried to kiss her and she said we are still on a break and just friends and I said but what about the other night and she said well I had a weak moment and that's how I felt at the time!!

The only way to get away from all this confusion and make her come back is to not accept any dinner do not accept anything at all!!

The problem here is you believe if you do this you will be losing her and she will go for dinner with someone else!! This is not the case LET HER MISS YOU show her what it is like to have a life without you...

If you continue catching up every two weeks this will not work!! Move on do not talk to her under any circumstances!! NIL NO contct what so ever if you see her say nothing do nothing!!

Disappear from her life...

[talaniman]

The only way to get away from all this confusion and make her come back is to not accept any dinner do not accept anything at all!!

Time to let go and heal from the breakup. As others say just disappear from her life and be unavailable to her period. This will not make her come back no matter what anyone says. No contact is for you to heal from the emotional damage, and get your life in order. She may try to contact you as a friend, or wonder why you have dissappeared, but she will never be back as yours. Don't expect it. False hope is fools gold, and worthless. Get a life that you enjoy without her and look forward.

[Sdjosh]

Blame it on the rough patch??? Hmmm. My ex blamed our breakup on her rough patch. She lost both her father and her grandmother last year. But when I think about it aren't rough patches supposed to be a time when couples draw closer together? Aren't rough patches a time to lean on each other and be supportive?

My ex has no idea how breaking up with me during her rough patch has put a blow to my self esteem. I could have been there for her to help her through it! She claims she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown in the final days of our relationship. I resent her very much.

I'm becoming more convinced that rough patches are a lame excuse to break up over.

Dreamguy... the one thing you can count on is that everyone is different. They react differently in situations. Some people are brought together by hard times... some feel they have to handle it on there own. I have found that people who are independent tend to deal with things without help. Which is the case in my situation.

[samesame]

Hey Sdjosh, how long did you date your ex... prior to the break-up/get back together? And how is your relationship now compared with before? Just trying to see if there is hope out there for a healthy get back.

[Sandstorm99]

Well I haven't made up my mind about moving on and that is a big decision to make. I've read many different stories about getting back together and the ones that were successful were the ones that involved a lenghty no contact or being their friend for a long time(year) like SDjosh's case. The no contact worries me in my case because she can be very stubborn. I just worry that she will not initiate anything even if she does feel a need to get back together.

But what does it mean if she is not worried one bit about who I go out and meet and what I do. I've never seen her like this before but she has no concern about the things I do.

As sick as it may sound, I've read some posts from a few girls that only broke up with their boyfriends to see how hard they would try and get back together.

I had disappeared for about 3 weeks and then came back into the picture. She was not hesitant one bit about meeting up. She is more than excited to talk on the phone. And I guess I got a kiss out of it which really surprised me. But I guess a kiss isn't much. This story is almost an exact duplicate to some of you and I see how your situation of getting back together never really happened. Eventually I'm going to just give this up.

[samesame]

She was not hesitant because she still loves you and cares for you as a person. I'm sure she misses the times you shared too, but that's not enough to get back together. You can't take it the wrong way - the way you want to see it. If I were to call my ex now she would meet with too and be happy to see me, but I know her hearts not in it 100% the way mine is. Like you said, she's not concerned about the things you do... what does that tell you?
I'm not over my ex either and I'm still not ready to move on, but other then time, what else can you do right now?