[dragnflyangell]

My mother-in-law treats my children different than she treats her bio grandchildren. I have been married to my husband for 9 years and together for 10 years and last christmas one of my sister in laws came up to me at a christmas party and asked " what was your daughters name again?"I thought that it was just a brain laps but when all of the girls opened their presants and they all the purses had their first initial of their first name except my daughters it had a different initial on it. We have been at every family party for 10 years. So we were at a wedding on Saturday and my mother in law gave my two step kids a presant and when I asked if I could see my sons he said "grandma never gave me one" apparently she didn't know that my kids were going to be at the wedding but she called my step kids mom to make sure they were going to be there so they could be in the family pictures that were going to be taken that day. She has been doing this for years one year she got my step kids sleeping bags for their b-days and got my kids toothbrushes with their name on them. I have had it Im so done. My husband is upset about it too but he is stuck because he loves his mom and I would never ask him to choose. He has talked to her about it in the past and it changed for a little while and just went back as always. My daughtr is 14 and came to me during the wedding and told me that she doesn't think her step grandma likes her and Im not OK with someone making my daughter feel bad. My son is 16 and it doesn't seem to bother him so much. My step kids are 18 & 17 and they get upset because they know it bothers me so when my daughter asked one of them where they got it he wouldn't tell her. So they know its wrong so why can't a 72 year old woman know? I don't know what to do and it is starting to cause conflict in my house between me and my husband.Even though he agrees he is stuck and for that Im really sorry. If anyone has any ideas on what to do it would be greatly apprieciated. Thank You for reading this long letter.

[jduke44]

I won’t be offering advice as much as just ideas on what is the thinking behind it all that may allow you to come up with a solution. I will leave the advice to more experienced people. First of all, be very grateful your husband and his kids agree that this is happening. Second of all, I am coming from the perspective of your husband because I am a male. Try, try, try not to let this come between you and your husband. I want to say this bluntly to get the point across. If this causes strife in your family, that strife will always be there when your mother-in-law has passed away. It sounds like you and your husband have decent communication between each other so you need to be his support in deciding how to go about this rather than his enemy. Far too many times husband and wife become enemies because of their parents. Another thing is, I don’t know why grandparents (our parents change as they do). I know I used to defend my mother in things she did or said in front of my wife and now I am agreeing with her that my mother has changed a lot. I have talked to my mother many times on issues but it either changes to a “you hate me thing” or she just doesn’t get it at all. It is hard for husbands to confront their mothers or even parents because of the fear of hurting their feelings. Your husband might need to talk to his mother again, and again, and again (well you get the point) until she really gets or realizes it is very important to you and your husband. It sounds like she has blown it over or doesn’t know or care that she is doing it. The other idea is that how was the relationship between the kids mother and your mother-in-law? Meaning, if she had a strong bond with the kids or their mother it might be hard for her to bond your kids or you. I am not defending her in any way. Again, I am just trying to present ideas that you might not have thought of in trying to deal with this. The other option might be to have you and your husband invite her to dinner to talk these things out. Sorry for the even longer letter. I really hope this helps in some way. :)

[fredg]

Hi,
Sounds like you are letting a 72 yr old woman run your life!
This is HER problem; don't take it on as yours also.
You and your husband have your own lives to live; so live and let live!
Do you decide how happy you and your family will be?
Or, do you let a 72 yr old decide for you?
When you answer those two questions, you will not let her bother you anymore.
Best wishes,
fredg

[FairyWings]

Hi,

I totally agree with fredg. Do whatever it takes to keep her from hurting your children and you any longer. If it means avoiding family functions, so be it. If you feel it would be rude not to attend, just think of how rude she has been to your family! If she asks why you all weren't there, politely explain that there have been instances where your children weren't expected to attend and had gotten their feelings hurt by being left out of activities, pictures, gifts, etc. and you didn't won't to risk them getting hurt again. Plan to do something fun with your kids on those occasions so if they ask, you can tell them that you thought it would be more fun to spend that time together. Good luck , God bless!

FW

[blackmon2rich]

I know how you feel because my kids grandmother by blood (father) treats my kids way different than she treats her daughter's kids. She treats her daughter children like gold and mine like cropper.

[spoilsport]

Sorry that it happened but if it did , not much to do is there? Try and smile whenever such things happen. Don't worry about it , its you your kids will watch if such things happen. If you are cool, nothing will upset them .we don't really have any control over other peoples behaviour though its tough to take it .
Try saying to yourself So what if she did this..
Ultimately such kind of a reaction might eventually make her rethink of doing it. If she doesn't change- it will lessen the impact that she can cause. Good luck.

[l1 mom]

I have a mother in law who has always favored her best friends granddaughter than her step granddaughter. I married my husband 10 years ago and she always told my daughter that this girl does so much more than she. We had a little boy 2 yrs ago and now he's the favorite. My daughter is feeling very unloved when it comes to my husbands mom and it breaks her heart. She doesn't go over there much anymore but she loves he step grandpa very much and he is sick with cancer. What can I do to help my daughter feel wanted and not be so down on herself?

[mawsey]

My story is similar to your. I have been with my husband for 13 years. Married 11. My children were 13 and 15 when we got together. His children were 2 and 6. I use to make my children go to my in-laws family functions. They were exposed to rudeness and as if they didn't exist. At Christmas time her bio grandkids got everything from computers to new bikes.. you name it. My daughter would get a pair of socks, a bottle of fingernail polish and it it was a good Christmas maybe a candle.. lol. My son was given socks and a box of cheap cologne. I told my kids they never had to attend another family function of my in-laws. The pain on their faces was heartbreaking. I forgave them for my own state of mind. My husband and I became grandparents (my daughter) 7 years ago with twins. They were in the hospital for 10 tens and no one showed up from my husbands family to see the babies... again I forgave that. The twins 1st birthday came around and I sent birthday party invitations to each and everyone of his family members. The only person that showed was my brother in law and his girlfriend. Not his mother.. not his grandmother. I was totally devastated. Again I forgave them. Now my brother in law has been married for 2 yrs and has a 5 year step daughter. His step daughter has been treated like one of the family since before they were even married. The whole family attends her birthdays and get Christmas presents for her.. again I forgave them. For the past 7 to 8 years my Children have no so much as got a Christmas card from any of those people. In the past 2 years my mother-in-law has bought a cheap gift for my granchildren but gets my brother-in-law's stepdaughter the same amount as her bio grandchildren. Again I forgave them. My children and my grandchildren are not invited to birthday parties, cook outs, reunions, their bible school, their church events, their pool parties... etc. Again I forgave them. I raised my oldest step son for the past 7 years. His mother was going through some difficulties in her life. I did everything for this child. Treated him like he was my own. (still do). My parents always remember his birthday(he gets the same as their bios), at Christmas time my stepsons get the same amount as my children do. I am so ashamed that I allowed this to go on for so long. My children have been hurt and there is a lot of resentment. My kids are angry with me for staying with my husband for this long and they think basically I chose him over them. I can understand how they might feel that way. There is a distance between my children and I now. They despise my husband for allowing this. I love my husband but my anger and pain is getting worse and worse by the day. He basically has gave up his family (which is not what I want at all). He provides for me and all my grandbabies(5 now). He buys them everything but has not really bonded with any of them. I guess you live what you learn. I refuse to be around my in laws anymore... I can't forgive anymore... but it doesn't change the damage that has been done to me and mine.

[mawsey]

My story is similar to your. I have been with my husband for 13 years. Married 11. My children were 13 and 15 when we got together. His children were 2 and 6. I use to make my children go to my in-laws family functions. They were exposed to rudeness and as if they didn't exist. At Christmas time her bio grandkids got everything from computers to new bikes..you name it. My daughter would get a pair of socks, a bottle of fingernail polish and it it was a good Christmas maybe a candle..lol. My son was given socks and a box of cheap cologne. I told my kids they never had to attend another family function of my in-laws. The pain on their faces was heartbreaking. I forgave them for my own state of mind. My husband and I became grandparents (my daughter) 7 years ago with twins. they were in the hospital for 10 tens and no one showed up from my husbands family to see the babies...again I forgave that. The twins 1st birthday came around and I sent birthday party invitations to each and everyone of his family members. The only person that showed was my brother in law and his gf. Not his mother..not his grandmother. I was totally devasted. Again I forgave them. Now my brother in law has been married for 2 yrs and has a 5 year step daughter. His step daughter has been treated like one of the family since before they were even married. The whole family attends her birthdays and get Christmas presents for her..again I forgave them. For the past 7 to 8 years my Children have no so much as got a Christmas card from any of those people. In the past 2 years my mother-in-law has bought a cheap gift for my granchildren but gets my brother-in-law's stepdaughter the same amount as her bio grandchildren. Again I forgave them. My children and my grandchildren are not invited to birthday parties, cook outs, reunions, their bible school, their church events, their pool parties...etc. Again I forgave them. I raised my oldest step son for the past 7 years. His mother was going thru some difficulties in her life. I did everything for this child. Treated him like he was my own. (still do). My parents always remember his birthday(he gets the same as their bios), at Christmas time my stepsons get the exact same amount as my children do. I am so ashamed that i allowed this to go on for so long. My children have been hurt and there is alot of resentment. My kids are angry with me for staying with my husband for this long and they think basically I chose him over them. I can understand how they might feel that way. There is a distance between my children and I now. They despise my husband for allowing this. I love my husband but my anger and pain is getting worse and worse by the day. He basically has gave up his family (which is not what i want at all). He provides for me and all my grandbabies(5 now). He buys them everything but has not really bonded with any of them. I guess you live what you learn. I refuse to be around my in laws anymore...I can't forgive anymore......but it doesn't change the damage that has been done to me and mine.

Sorry for the typos.. very upset while typing this. 13 yrs of pain...

[teacherjenn4]

My mother-in- law doesn't even bother to ask my children (from my first marriage) what their names are. She calls them something different each time she sees them. My kids just roll their eyes and correct her. Their birthdays? Don't even get me started on that one...