Check out some similar questions!

chuff · Sep 3, 2007, 06:26 PM

I understand what you mean by looking for closure but many times relationships end and we must make the decision to close that chapter ourselves even though there is no ending. I understand that your truly love her, but you also have done nothing but focus on her the entire time since the relationship ended. What have you done for yourself?

Furthermore, you state she ended the relationship. Women do not just end relationships. They emotionally bring themselves down then out, and then end the relationship. Despite what the popular culture would make you believe women are much better at understanding, controlling, and using emotions then men and they do so with much more effectiveness then we do. That's why quality, caring. Loving men like yourself are always caught off guard at the end of the relationship. We never see it coming. She knew this was coming much longer then 11 weeks ago.

I guess my question to you would be, what do you hope to accomplish? You admit yourself that you have no grand allusions about her coming back. How will this close the chapter for you? Again, I don't discourage you from writing it for, I just discourage you from sending it because I don't think you will get the results you want.

chuff · Sep 3, 2007, 06:30 PM

Well that is a great letter, I can't argue that. I just wonder what she is going to think when she reads it?

tiodaat · Sep 3, 2007, 06:33 PM

Originally Posted by chuff

Well that is a great letter, I can't argue that. I just wonder what she is going to think when she reads it?

Honestly, I don't know what she will think when she reads it. It's been about four weeks since I last talked to her, as (far as I know) she was concerned that when we started talking again about four weeks ago that I had the wrong impression about what she wanted. And, truthfully, at the time, I definitely did.

chuff · Sep 3, 2007, 07:26 PM

I hate to break this to you but I think she is going to think you are somewhat weak. Women are attracted to emotionally strong men and writing a letter confusing you love almost 3 months after SHE broke up with you is just going to prove to her she was right to leave you.

tiodaat · Sep 3, 2007, 07:27 PM

Originally Posted by chuff

I hate to break this to you but I think she is going to think you are somewhat weak. Women are attracted to emotionally strong men and writing a letter confusing you love almost 3 months after SHE broke up with you is just going to prove to her she was right to leave you.

I see, and won't dispute your point. It's really how I feel though. Do I need to present some kind of façade if I want any chance of winning her back?

I thought it was somewhat ballsy for me to fess up to how I conflated her and her as my girlfriend, and I truly regret doing so, because I care about her so much.

chuff · Sep 3, 2007, 09:08 PM

Well you can give her the letter but she broke up with you, and it appears she made it clear after the break up that she was done, so I would expect to be prepared for nothing to happen. Let's flip this around and let's say I was asking you for advice what would you tell me about my situation given that you had no emotional ties in it?

tiodaat · Sep 3, 2007, 09:13 PM

Originally Posted by chuff

Well you can give her the letter but she broke up with you, and it appears she made it clear after the break up that she was done, so I would expect to be prepared for nothing to happen. Let's flip this around and let's say I was asking you for advice what would you tell me about my situation given that you had no emotional ties in it?

I would likely tell you the same thing.

I think you've made a good point that, if I do decide to send it to her, I should have absolutely no expectations about it changing anything between us.

Thanks.

chuff · Sep 3, 2007, 09:20 PM

Not a problem. I've seen guys do this, and admittingly thought about doing it myself in the same situation. But when I've seen others do it, it blows up in there faces because women don't like men that get too emotional, despite what they always say. Being a man in this regard is very difficult, if you get to emotional and really express yourself you are looked upon as weak but if you bottle it up inside you become depressed or bitter or both. So that's why I think it's great for you to write it but I have my doubts about sending it.

Geoffersonairplane · Sep 4, 2007, 04:38 AM

I did this. I sent an e-mail a month after the breakup (which is now a year ago). I expressed myself, how I felt, e.t.c... e.t.c...

It gave me no closure at all and in the end I looked back and questioned why I really did it and to be quite truthful, I was doing it when I had the false hope that she would come back and by expressing myself, I falsely believed that this would help the situation.

Nothing happened, she did not reply and did not contact me. That hurt, and you need to be prepared for that if you are going to send a letter to her. Personally and I am also thinking retrospectively on my experience I would not send the letter if I were you. Unfortunately, this kind of thing does make you look weak and while that may not be the case generally, at the moment post breakup, all (or at least most) of those who are left behind are emotionally weak if it was not what they wanted.

I don't believe it will give you any sense of closure and especially given the scenario that she does not reply which is extremely likely. You will then question what she thought when she received it and thoughts will go around and around in circles in your head. There is no closure there, is there?

You still love her and you are reaching out, justifying every action you take as a means to gain some kind of closure to that chapter in your life or perhaps you really do want the closure...

The first day she left you, she made it clear it was over, I can't believe she would care to hear from you now and in all honesty it is not your responsibility to express yourself to her now being that she left you and it was her choice. If she wants to know how you feel, then it is up to her to contact you but that likely won't happen.

Acceptance is the best way forward and I know you say you have given her space but letting go of her for good is the only way forward for you and that is why NC is best for you at this stage. Sending a letter now in my opinion will break the NC and will likely pull you back a few steps.

NC and time does help.

tiodaat · Sep 4, 2007, 12:07 PM

Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

I did this. I sent an e-mail a month after the breakup (which is now a year ago). I expressed myself, how I felt, e.t.c....e.t.c....

It gave me no closure at all and in the end I looked back and questioned why I really did it and to be quite truthful, I was doing it when I had the false hope that she would come back and by expressing myself, I falsely believed that this would help the situation.

Nothing happened, she did not reply and did not contact me. That hurt, and you need to be prepared for that if you are going to send a letter to her. Personally and I am also thinking retrospectively on my experience I would not send the letter if I were you. Unfortunately, this kind of thing does make you look weak and while that may not be the case generally, at the moment post breakup, all (or at least most) of those who are left behind are emotionally weak if it was not what they wanted.

I don't believe it will give you any sense of closure and especially given the scenario that she does not reply which is extremely likely. You will then question what she thought when she received it and thoughts will go around and around in circles in your head. There is no closure there, is there?

You still love her and you are reaching out, justifying every action you take as a means to gain some kind of closure to that chapter in your life or perhaps you really do want the closure...

The first day she left you, she made it clear it was over, I can't believe she would care to hear from you now and in all honesty it is not your responsibility to express yourself to her now being that she left you and it was her choice. If she wants to know how you feel, then it is up to her to contact you but that likely won't happen.

Acceptance is the best way forward and I know you say you have given her space but letting go of her for good is the only way forward for you and that is why NC is best for you at this stage. Sending a letter now in my opinion will break the NC and will likely pull you back a few steps.

NC and time does help.

Thanks for your response. Both you and chuff make some excellent points--but I am still undecided on whether to send it.

SAB123 · Sep 4, 2007, 12:24 PM

It's been now 7 months since my ex fiancé broke up with me. 2 weeks into breakup were emailing each other back(more me) I wrote her a letter saying I didn't want us to break again and how I felt about us. I just made me feel worse. 8 weeks into breakup I emailed her for her birthday, we talked even saw each other briefly. That was the worst mistake of my life. Days go by and we emailed each other again. I told her I wanted to be her I wanted to be her husband and her sons dad. She said no. I was so hurt I emailed her a clousure letter and told her I don't ever want to see her again. It's been 5 months since we talked. PLEASE don't send it. When I sent it, it just made me feel worse and move backwards. Although I still miss her and hurt sometimes, I look back and wish I NEVER would have sent those e-mails to her. TRUST ME don't send it.

Dave1986 · Sep 4, 2007, 12:44 PM

Yeah I agree with SAB.. I did the letter, chocolate an flowers... an now with I didn't send her anything an want my money back ha! No but seriously, she's made up her mind an sending a letter will just show that your weak! Her not knowing how you feel is the best way to go about it! - Don't SEND THE LETTER!!

friend4u178 · Sep 4, 2007, 07:18 PM

I think Geoffersonairplane hit the nail on the head. I don't think your after closure here it looks like your reaching out for another chance. Not only will the letter make you look weak in her eyes it will bring you back some steps in your recovery. That is the most important thing , because remember it doesn't matter what she thinks or how she is feeling the important thing for you is YOU!
For what it's worth , My verdict= DON'T SEND!

tiodaat · Sep 4, 2007, 09:06 PM

Originally Posted by friend4u178

I think Geoffersonairplane hit the nail on the head. I don't think your after closure here it looks like your reaching out for another chance. Not only will the letter make you look weak in her eyes it will bring you back some steps in your recovery. That is the most important thing , because remember it doesn't matter what she thinks or how she is feeling the important thing for you is YOU!
For what it's worth , My verdict= DON'T SEND!!

Unfortunately, I think you are exactly right. While I really mean what I wrote in the letter, and I think it's kind of big of me to admit as much, I also think it's just another attempt at trying to win her back.

Thank you for replying.

br_hjs · Sep 4, 2007, 09:11 PM

I think once you write her a letter and have that "closure" you may actually feel better. Can the two of you still be friends? Sometimes though this isn't a good idea because you remember her and miss her more and it may be best to try to get her off your mind. Other people it may help though

friend4u178 · Sep 4, 2007, 09:12 PM

I certainly believe you meant every word and a good letter too. It's just amazing how LOVE can make us try and kid ourselves :-)

mikehst · Sep 4, 2007, 09:13 PM

Originally Posted by tiodaat

Hello everyone,

It will soon be 11 weeks since my ex girlfriend ended our relationship.

I've thought about the two of us a considerable deal, and have been praying for more than two months now. I keep reaching the same conclusion: that I truly love her.

I don't have any illusions about me being able to change her mind about us, or her even having any second thoughts at this point.

I do not want to have any regrets though, and as our breakup was unexpected by me and I chose to play things relatively cool (as part of what she was asking for was space), I feel like I never really made a push for us to stay together.

I want to send her a letter, the details of which I am not sure of right now. I don't expect it to win her over, or bring us back together. What I am hoping is that it allows me to have some closure, and feel as if I did everything I could for the two of us.

Is this a terrible idea?

I feel bad... reading about this really breaks my heart. I hope your prayers will get you through. You did what I did in my previous relationship. You fell too hard and became dependent on her to make you happy. I know it is hard to but being that you love her... letting her do what makes her happy, should indeed make you happy as well though without her. I know you want even just friendship as a base with her and maybe that will happen. I went through the same thing as you with a previous woman and she completely caught me off guard with a "break-up" when I began to truly place a burden on her as my girlfriend. Listen I am not a professional at all but I am a man of experience similar to yours and I'll pray for you like I prayed for my relationship and He will make his choice.

Geoffersonairplane · Sep 6, 2007, 01:55 PM

Originally Posted by tiodaat

Unfortunately, I think you are exactly right. While I really mean what I wrote in the letter, and I think it's kind of big of me to admit as much, I also think it's just another attempt at trying to win her back.

Thank you for replying.

Of course it is.

I was denying my motives when I was doing it but deep down, I knew what I was doing, reaching out, not looking for closure, quite the opposite. It took me some time before I really realised what I was doing. It's a very confusing time when you have just broken up with the ex and we all do things we regret, well at least most of us.

It all gets easier though but I really would advise to refrain from sending a letter, e-mail or text message. It will be very hard but with the months that pass, things just get easier, its as simple as that. Its my big thing on this forum that I keep saying, TIME HEALS A BROKEN HEART.

It never forgets of course, kind of like a closed wound or even a scar perhaps (an emotional one) but you will be stronger for getting through it and better still if you have less to regret.

Geoffersonairplane · Sep 6, 2007, 01:58 PM

Originally Posted by friend4u178

I certainly believe you meant every word and a good letter too. It's just amazing how LOVE can make us try and kid ourselves :-)

Yes I agree, also I do believe in the saying 'love is blind'.

mikehst · Sep 6, 2007, 02:49 PM

It's funny because I can relate to the letter thing. I would get ready to write her a letter if something was wrong. I'd write it and then I'd completely change my mind about how I felt on the matter. I'd erase like half of it or just crumple it up or keep it to myself. I have about ten pages worth of my thoughts and how uneasy I was a long time back when she was being weird... I could never give that to her but I exposed my weakness in that writing and I realized what my weakness was. I LOVED HER LMAO! A personal suggestion would be to write about your thoughts and then re-read them at different times when you're in need of salvation and you'll realized how things have changed since the last time you wrote and reviewed it. In years you may still have these writings and when you begin to lose your way or your "self" You will have something to look back on your past. Often when people write about their thoughts, they see what they were missing the whole time and they correct themselves. When they re read their thoughts its almost like it was written by another person but it is really you seeing yourself from the outside. This will help you get through if you see writing your thoughts as a significant helper to you. And like friend4u178 says "you meant every word", I have to disagree because whenever I write my thoughts down and look it over after I want to edit things that would show to me that I'm not being true to myself. And when I say "myself" I'm trying to imply that these writings should be only for your eyes and you may not want other people looking inside you. And On what Geoffersonairplane said, I have to agree but I speak in different words on his "time heals a broken heart" comment. I say "Take time with a wounded hand because it likes to heal". This saying explains more of what YOU yourself has to do to heal. TAKE time: and give time to realize that it wasn't meant to be if she doesn't want you. Both need to contribute their dedication to a relationship for it to be. And saying "it likes to heal" symbolizes and emphasizes the fact that YOU and YOUR BODY do NOT want to be in this condition. You would like to heal so you can use your hand again, wouldn't you? You never wanted to feel like this and you couldn't stop your hand from being cut. You slipped and you landed on a piece of glass.It wasn't your fault.Realize that you cut your hand bad and also realize that in life sh*t happens and it hurts but all you can do is wait for it to get better.