[talaniman]

I know this contact with her is likely the cause for my downturn in mood, but it's also reaffirmed my love for her.

You are right, your contact reafirmed your love, and set you backward into limbo. That's what always happens after a break up. Seeing them again breaks our hearts all over again, and we have to start all over. Listen to the very good advice the other posters have given you, and do not let her instigate contact, and no more online chats either. Complete no contact will heal you, and anything less will keep you stuck on stupid, and unable to move on. Your choice.

[Jiser]

You say it all there man! Spot on. I made the same mistake. But hey we live and learn!

[GlindaofOz]

Yup too often people do that. They lose themselves in the other person. Always good to recognize it. The true test will be when you get into another relationship and see if you can stop it. Good luck!

[tiodaat]

It's been nine weeks since my ex broke up with me.

If I so much as glance as a photograph of her--all of which I have stashed away, but I manage to see her Facebook profile occasionally--I feel as if I am back to square one.

I cannot get over how much I love her, how beautiful I think she is, and how happy I was when I was with her.

I've been in several relationships that lasted as long or longer than the one with my recent ex, having been dumped and dumped someone, and I have never been remotely as invested this far along after the breakup.

I've been working out, seeing friends, dated once, school starts soon--I just don't see myself getting over my ex anytime soon, if ever.

I don't know what else to do--it's miserable.

[Wondergirl]

An article about this in today's Chicago paper said surveys show it takes an average of two months to get over a breakup. Bereft exes at first felt their life was over and they couldn't go on and there was sadness every day with many reminders of what they had lost.

But time went by and they got on with their lives. They went on new adventures, they lived life by going to work or to school, they reconnected with friends, they made new friends, they got involved in life again.

Funniest thing. They survived. They decided to live again. They started dating. They enjoyed dating. They found new gfs or bfs. Life was good. They even laughed at how morose and weepy they had been. And they knew it would probably happen again, that they would lose the love of their life--but they decided that was OK. "Better to have loved and lost then never loved at all."

[tiodaat]

An article about this in today's Chicago paper said surveys show it takes an average of two months to get over a breakup. Bereft exes at first felt their life was over and they couldn't go on and there was sadness every day with many reminders of what they had lost.

But time went by and they got on with their lives. They went on new adventures, they lived life by going to work or to school, they reconnected with friends, they made new friends, they got involved in life again.

Funniest thing. They survived. They decided to live again. They started dating. They enjoyed dating. They found new gfs or bfs. Life was good. They even laughed at how morose and weepy they had been. And they knew it would probably happen again, that they would lose the love of their life--but they decided that was ok. "Better to have loved and lost then never loved at all."

Thanks for your response, and I see your point. I know my life will go on.

That said, I've never been even remotely this conflicted before. I feel like I should make some kind of grandiose attempt to try to start things with her again--something, anything.

I am afraid of having regrets later in life, but I have no idea what I could even do were I to try to win her back.

[SAB123]

Leave her alone and stay NC, if she wants to get back she will make it known. As for you stay off my space and don't look at her pics on their. Yes you still will go back to square one when you see her or talk to her. It's seems to me you haven't let go yet, this is something you have got to do. It will only delay your healing process. It's been over 6 months since my selfish ex broke up with me, although I'm not hurting anymore but missing something. Is it her I don't know maybe someone to share it with again. When you finally decide to let go it will get better in time.

[Dennis777]

Hello.

I know it seems like forever but you will make it and be able to see how much stronger you have become. Life gives us joy and pain so we can learn from both. Everything can become a positive in time so stop looking at her pics and stop thinking about her, each time you start to think about her get up and do something to take your mind off it.

Just remember you will always have a small place for her in your heart so relax with that. That is there to help you grow.

Dennis777

[samesame]

Tiodaat,

I feel your pain buddy. It's been about 7 weeks of NC for me too since the last time I emailed her and now I'm dying inside. Almost 5 months since we broke up. After having a little strength come back for a short time, the last 2 weeks I have been at my lowest again. Thinking and smoking too much, and definitely not sleeping enough.

I've thought of a million options other than NC and have come up with nothing. You contact her now and than what? 9 weeks isn't good enough. And it's not like she has made any attempt to contact you either. No, unfortunately the way I see it, you need to hold out longer. Question is how long. I know you still want her and that's why I'm not saying never look back, even though that is the best advice. But I know myself and I'm on your same wavelength right now….I have to see her or talk to her eventually because I care so much about her. Anyway, if you do it too soon you'll just push her away more, annoy her and/or make her lose respect for you for being weak. This is permanent damage. So stay away and just wait it out.

School is a good distraction, I know I can't wait for it to start too, but remember it will be for her too.

Maybe wait till Dec. Once school slows down and the holidays come around, and if you don't hear from her by then, give her a call and ask her to meet up for a drink to see how she's doing, and see what happens. Keep the relationship out of it and just be like old friends who haven't seen each other in a long time. After that, you should be detached enough to get a clearer view of what you want and if there is a possibility of anything.

If you have any ideas, or anyone else, other than NC forever, please let me know.

P.S. A friend of mine is actually getting married next year to a girl that dumped him. They were separated for a few months and he even had a new g/f . Anyway he called her up like after 4-5 months of NC and she was being normal, like acquaintances. Than he told her he had a g/f to see her reaction and she pretended like it didn't bother her, but he could tell it did. So he told her he still loved her and not this girl he was with, told her he was going to call her and break it off. The ex said he was crazy, but he did it then called her back. They met up for dinner a few days later, then went away for the weekend the next week, and now, 2 years later, they're getting married. So you never know. Even though this is rarely the case I know, it's just a bit of hopeful inspiration. Anyway, hang in there, and keep waiting it out.

AND STAY Off FACEBOOK. AT LEAST STOP LOOKING AT HER PROFILE. AND BLOCK/DELETE HER FROM YOUR MSN. THAT WILL DO WONDERS FOR YOUR HEALING.

[Ash123]

Go to work.
Then let time work.

Did you do 100% silence and no cheating... if so, in another 9 weeks you
Should be getting a clear head. No cheating. You can't rush it. But
You can make sure you get somewhere NEW if you WORK...

Consider WHat she said. If it's done. You need to Go To Work.

It's the great ones that take on adversity and do well in life.
USE the info here and better yet, the people outside of here, to make sure your life
is going in the right direction: Work, school (if of age), health...THEN things wil happen.

If your life is going somewhere - the RIGHT person will step up...Be ready.

Fixating is for the mediocre... The people that run successful businesses and find lifemates
Don't feel like a victim - they feel like opportunists. If you are into video games and looking at face book and hoping that she'll come back - you are going to be jealous of all the guys that are getting their lives together and are going to get the girls you could be getting...

[GlindaofOz]

There is a great old song by George Jones called "He Stopped Loving Her Today" in the folksy country tradition it is a story. The song is about a man who promised his beloved he would love her until he died while she left him and found another. That man sat in mourning of that relationship for the rest of his life and only stopped loving upon death. It is the saddest song I've ever heard.

I guess my point is to your want your life to be a tribute to a lost love? Do you really want to carry around with you the pain and hurt for the rest of your life? After 9 weeks you are making a decision to stay in pain so you need to make a decision to attempt to get on with your life. You owe it to yourself to not keep her in your mind and heart. Release her and REALLY live your life.

[talaniman]

Don't quite now and hard as it is keep trying to get something in your life to enjoy.

[stilllearning]

Hang in there, I'm going on 1 month with my GF of 12 years.

Still in contact like a dummy that makes it harder than it should be, but I do feel better than when this all first happened. Hey if she doesn't want me ill find someone who does, once I'm all healed up that is. And stay off facebook/myspace/aim/msn... that stuff will make it drag on forever!

[lostlove2]

Hey tiodaat,

I know how you feel its been 6 weeks since my boyfriend dumped me for a girl he works with and the pain is unbelievable. I love him as much as I ever did even though I know he betrayed me and I shouldn't love him. But he was my one true love and that's supposed to last forever. I try to keep busy and I am doing NC and have been for 5 and half weeks but I think I'll love him forever. I don't know how to stop.

[kitty-kat19]

Break ups are always hard... and especially when you fall that hard for someone... im not sure of your situation... but... eventually (I know you're probably sick of hearing that word) things will get better... it'll be easier to come across her Facebook profile... or see her at school... its miserable because its called heart ache... everyone goes through it sometime... even though it sux... when one of my ex's broke up with me... it hurt so bad.. it took me so long to get over him it seems like it took months.. I don't advise what I did (a bunch of rebound relationships that went no where and made me feel worse) but after a while... it became easier to pretend it was easier to see the pictures and what not... then after a while it became easier... and then I started to heal... once it got easier to see him... it took about 4 41/2 months... its been 10 months... and I'm with a new guy... who I love more than I could have possibly love the other guy... and I'm a better girl for him because of the ordeal I went through...

[tiodaat]

Hello everyone,

It will soon be 11 weeks since my ex girlfriend ended our relationship.

I've thought about the two of us a considerable deal, and have been praying for more than two months now. I keep reaching the same conclusion: that I truly love her.

I don't have any illusions about me being able to change her mind about us, or her even having any second thoughts at this point.

I do not want to have any regrets though, and as our breakup was unexpected by me and I chose to play things relatively cool (as part of what she was asking for was space), I feel like I never really made a push for us to stay together.

I want to send her a letter, the details of which I am not sure of right now. I don't expect it to win her over, or bring us back together. What I am hoping is that it allows me to have some closure, and feel as if I did everything I could for the two of us.

Is this a terrible idea?

[x2scorp]

;) In what way do you want her to react when she reads this letter, if you want closure I personally would write eeeeeeeeeeverything down on paper. Then put it in an envelope and then BURN it. If she wants to come to you and talk then you can express what you want to say. Shrug.

Best of Luck,

[chuff]

Writing the letter is not so bad. Writing is a great way to get a lot ot things running around in your mind out and it helps you organize them.

Sending such a letter however is a horrible idea. She will look at that letter and know that she had the power in the relationship and that she can have you back at a moments notice.

Here's my formula for getting over the break up. I'd recommend making a list of things that you want to do in the short term only. Hang that list up so that you see it when you go to sleep and when you wake up and start working on those things. The more you focus on those things the better you'll start to feel and less you'll think of the ex.

I also recommend that if you don't have a gym membership you get one. Working out is a great way to get out of the house but also make yourself feel better. Get on a elliptical or stairmaster and just go for 10 or 15 minutes. Get off and rest and then do it again for another 10 or 15 minutes. I promise you, you won't be thinking about anything else other than what your doing. Plus it's healthy for you. Even if you don't get a gym membership take a walk, and go for long ones if you have the time. It gets you out the house, clears you head, and makes is healthy for you. If you have something else you like that's physical do that. Anything that creates motion in your body is good for you.

[tiodaat]

;) In what way do you want her to react when she reads this letter, if you want closure I personally would write eeeeeeeeeeverything down on paper. Then put it in an envelope and then BURN it. If she wants to come to you and talk then you can express what you want to say. Shrug.

Best of Luck,

If you're suggesting that the letter is unlikely to change anything and that she will have to come to me with a change of heart for anything to happen, I would agree that you are likely right.

That said, there are some things that I feel I never expressed adequately with her, and in that sense, feel sending it may be appropriate.

I will be posting a draft of the letter, although I have certainly not committed to sending it to her yet.

Thank you for your answer.

[tiodaat]

What follows is a draft of the letter, which I have NOT decided to send to my ex, yet.

I must admit, it was very cathartic simply writing this letter. A few days prior, I had written another letter to my ex (which I did not intend to send to her) that had a very different tone. I am not sure how I've switched gears, so to speak, in the last few days, as this letter is much less angry and unsettling than my initial letter.

Dear X,

What follows is the product of my most sincere thoughts and prayers. I have thought carefully about what to write, and prayed often that my thoughts as expressed will be heartfelt and meaningful. Above all else, this letter is an honest expression of my thoughts feelings that I have deemed important enough to share with you.

I sometimes think back to the circumstances under which we first met. I was reluctant to out that night, and went dragging my feet after X insisted on picking me up. I remember seeing you, and thinking how cute you were, but being unsure whether I was in the proper place to pursue anything with you. It turns out getting your phone number just took a little joking about the X area and a shot of X. At the time, I had no idea that you were reluctant--about taking me up on my dinner invitation—as well. Fortunately, you remained convinced enough to out with me the following week. At the end of that night, I found my initial reluctance to be almost amusing in light of the fun, charming woman it threatened to prevent me from meeting.

In a way, I think life is a lot like the circumstances leading up to our first date—that is, our fears and previous experiences battle with our hopes and the unknown of the future to bring us to any number of decisions each day. One thing I can confidently assert is that I am glad the life allowed me to the opportunity to meet you.

That night, more much more than it marked our first date, signified the start of our friendship. For some time, our friendship blossomed into a romantic relationship. I would be dishonest with you if I said that working through the end of our romantic relationship has been anything short of challenging for me. I was surprised, confused, hurt, betrayed and missed the close bond that we shared.

It is somewhat ironic, but it has only been after the end of our romantic relationship that I have been able to pray and reflect on what it really is that I miss so much. It sounds simple, but I have struggled to articulate this intangible thing that I miss so deeply.

Stated most simply: I miss you.

When I say you, I mean all that there is about you—your successes and failures, your hopes and your fears, and your past and your future. This is the person that I was fortunate enough to meet and share some of my time with.

One of my biggest regrets about our romantic relationship is that I began to conflate you, as a person, with my happiness. Ultimately, I convinced myself that it was you, playing your role as my girlfriend, which made me happy—that I needed you to feel my best. I lost sight of you—of the amazing, beautiful gift of you as an individual—and saw you as a means to the happy romantic relationship that I became dependent on.

I am not sure exactly how this manifested itself in our relationship. I believe it made me more whiny, and perhaps more demanding—in the expectations that I created either consciously or subconsciously for you and our relationship—than I should have been. I became more and more dependent on you, not as a person, but as a girlfriend, to ensure my happiness.

For this, I am tremendously sorry.

A picture that you sent to me from your cell phone early in our romantic relationship has taken on a more significant meaning for me recently. I left my necklace at your apartment one night, and you took a photo of yourself wearing it—holding it “ransom” for a kiss from me. At the time, the photo made me innocently smile from ear to ear. More recently, it has been a reminder of two things in my life that are very important to me—my Faith and you.

Which brings me to the reason that I wrote this letter to you.

I want to tell you how valuable you are to me. I want to know of your failures and your triumphs, your fears and your hopes, how your family is doing, how you spoil your new niece, and how your career is progressing. I want to be a part of your life.

It is ironic that it took the failing of our romantic relationship to point out my biggest mistake in regards to you—losing sight of the amazing and inherently valuable person that you are. Although I conflated you with your role as my girlfriend, I can honestly say that it is you that I fell in love with, yet failed to properly love.

I have seen my mistake clearly now, and would be deeply saddened to lose your friendship—the foundation—that I cheapened by elevating our romantic relationship over—of any relationship we share.

My reflections and prayers have also reminded me of the worth of meaningful relationships in this life—by far and away, the most rewarding and important aspect of our time here on Earth. It is rare to find someone that I feel so closely to, and to lose such a gift seems like a terrible insult to the One that made it possible.

Much like when I first met you, I approached this letter with some reluctance. I can only hope that you have remain convinced of the value of our friendship, and that in turn leads to us being a valuable, irreplaceable part of each other’s lives.

I hope and pray that these words find you well.