[tiodaat]

13 threads merged for the whole story



I will try to be as concise as possible as I describe my past relationship.

I met my ex girlfriend through mutual friends, went out on a first date with her, and started being exclusive with her a few weeks after that. We were both busy (graduate students), but talked everyday and say each other whenever possible.

We had been dating for a little more than four months when she went to Europe for three weeks with one of the mutual (girl) friends that introduce me to her. We stayed in contact over email (daily, for the most part), and she called me when she could, which was about three or four times.

I was in between school and work over the summer, not having much to do, and I really missed her quite a bit. Per her emails, she seemed to miss me quite a bit, too.

After she had been back for a week or two, I told her somewhat spontaneously (although I had given serious consideration to the subject) that I loved her while sitting next to her on the couch one evening. She held me closer, smiled and kissed me--but did not say it back. The next day, she said she was happy to hear it from me, but wanted to make sure that it meant something if/when she said it to me.

She had to leave town for about 4-5 days to see family and take care of some other things, and when she came back she complained one night of not getting to be with me, and was asking for a set of keys to my place.

Later in the week, after a movie in the afternoon, she told me she didn't think our relationship was going anywhere, and thought we should take a break. I reluctantly agreed, and did not contact her again unless she contacted me.

After 2 days, she called me--which was much earlier than I was expecting. She said she wanted to get together to talk, but later cancelled, saying she thought she needed more time (something I thought too). She called me again two days later, and said she wanted to meet again. She came over later that evening, and ultimately said she thought we should be done.

During the time she requested the break until she broke up with me, she seemed (and told me that) she was very confused about what, if anything, she wanted. Apparently she realized some of her independence while in Europe, amongst other things, and was feeling a bit suffocated by me.

Given how things were going, I really had no indication that I was smothering her, and now worry that expressing my love for her is what drove her away.

I really do care deeply about her and love her with all my heart.

It's been 8 days, and I've managed to avoid contacting her--which has been very difficult.

I would appreciate any input on what likely drove her away, whether telling her that I love her was a mistake, and how I can best carry on with things.

Thank you.

[Rockabilly1955mama]

She seems confused. I don't think it was anything you did. Telling her you loved her was not a bad thing because if it was, her actions would have been different, like they always say "actions speak louder than words".

Give her some time, I know it will be hard for you but it is something that should be done for the both of you. Give her some space and let her clear her mind so that if she is ready to get back into the relationship, which may or may not happen, she can continue to be in the relationship with her whole heart instead of confusion.

Above all, I wish the best of luck to you and I hope this helped

[tiodaat]

She seems confused. I don't think it was anything you did. Telling her you loved her was not a bad thing becuase if it was, her actions would have been different, like they always say "actions speak louder than words".

Give her some time, I know it will be hard for you but it is something that should be done for the both of you. Give her some space and let her clear her mind so that if she is ready to get back into the realtionship, which may or may not happen, she can continue to be in the relationship with her whole heart instead of confusion.

Above all, I wish the best of luck to you and I hope this helped

Thank you for your thoughtful response.

I will continue to avoid contact with her, hope for the best, and try to move on with my life in the meantime.

[LBP]

She's afraid of intimacy. There's nothing you can do but walk away. I wish you the best. If you push, she'll hate you for it. <shrug> Life is tough!

[Pook_Myster]

I agree with everyone - it's not anything you did, you sound like a lovely person, and good things come to good people, so just continue on in your life and know that God obviously has something coming alone that is exactly what you want =)

[lmnotok]

Hey, saying I love you will never ever be a mistake! It's the best thing happens to anyone, including her! She loved it, its just something inside of her is afraid of intimacy. Let her fix that part. You go ahead with your life, something might come that you never imagine :D

[tiodaat]

She's afraid of intimacy. There's nothing you can do but walk away. I wish you the best. If you push, she'll hate you for it. <shrug> Life is tough!

Thanks for responding--I appreciate the shrug and your good wishes.

[tiodaat]

I agree with everyone - it's not anything you did, you sound like a lovely person, and good things come to good people, so just continue on in your life and know that God obviously has something coming alone that is exactly what you want =)

Thank you for your kind reply. I will continue to pray about this, as I have been since she asked for a break with me.

[tiodaat]

hey, saying i love you will never ever be a mistake! Its the best thing happens to anyone, including her! She loved it, its just something inside of her is afraid of intimacy. Let her fix that part. You go ahead with your life, something might come that you never imagine :D

Thanks for your reassuring words. I hope she values my feelings for her half as much as you think she should!

[tiodaat]

Today has been very difficult for me--I miss my ex deeply. I've been tempted to call her, but I know that I shouldn't . Every time my phone rings, I jump, hoping that it's her calling. I just feel completely lost.

[J_9]

You are going through a grieving process. We all go through it when we lose a loved one, be it a break up or a death, we all grieve.

I have lost a loved one too recently. It takes time. It takes patience. Busy yourself. Be with friends, family, whoever will have you, LOL. But you have to let yourself grieve, you have to go through all of the steps to become a better you. You can do it, we all do. There is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, all you have to do is look, you will find it.

[talaniman]

Your feelings are so normal, and your decision to give her space, and not put pressure on her, is a very wise and mature course of action. Just stay busy with family, friends and happy people, who are enjoying themselves. Don't really know what her problem is, but I doubt if its you. Your doing the right things for yourself, and that's good. Much luck, and keep us updated, or if you have questions.

[tiodaat]

Well, I went out with friends last night, which is something I really haven't done since my breakup.

After I had a few drinks, one of my friends convinced me to delete my ex's phone number from my phone. Although there is a good chance I might have called her later that night if I didn't delete her number, it's been painful this afternoon thinking that it's gone from my phone.

Two of my closest friends are mutual friends with my ex (actually how I met her), and I was with them last night. In that respect, it was kind of hard on me, as I was reminded of how I met my ex, etc.

I really don't feel any sense of closure yet. It was, and remains, troubling to me the level of confusion that my ex had during the time she asked for a break to when she broke up with me. I guess I just feel like she never really "sold" me on the breakup, so to speak.

Although I can no longer call her, I have been really tempted to send her a pithy email, or something along those lines. While I'll likely be able to avoid the temptation, and I know that continuing NC is what is best for me, I hope and pray every day that she will contact me. It's painful to think that she hasn't given me a second thought since our breakup, and that's how I feel since we haven't talked at all.

I'd like to thank everyone else for their recent replies, and just thought I would provide this as an update of sorts of how I am doing and what I am having a hard time with.

[tiodaat]

After I've been back at my place alone for a while, I've started to dwell on my ex again.

It's been a rough night, and I almost sent her an email, but managed not to.

[talaniman]

Interestingly enough you've taken your first positive step toward good health. Not giving into that urge was a powerful step in the right direction and even tough it was rough, you got through it. Repeat that same action, when the urge to contact her comes up again. Time will make it better.

[tiodaat]

Today would have been our anniversary.

I hadn't even given it much thought until I was looking at my calendar. I was very tempted to drop her a note, letting her know that I was thinking of her. Somehow, I managed not to again.

My mood was better today. I just miss my ex deeply, though.

Is there anything else I can/should be doing?

Thank you again.

[talaniman]

Repeat that same action, when the urge to contact her comes up again. Time will make it better.:)Stay busy working on a life that you enjoy without her in it, and find your own happiness.

[tiodaat]

My ex was suppose to be my guest at a friend's wedding this weekend.

Is there any reason I should contact her to ask if she would still like to go?

Edit: I could really use some feedback on this. I know it would be breaking NC, but she was named on my invitation, has a dinner ordered for her, etc. Is this just wishful thinking on my part, though?

[tiodaat]

Bump for discussion of the quickly approaching wedding. Thank you!

[talaniman]

I would really not count on her for anything, and would look to making other arrangements that don't include her. Be pretty awkward being socially involved with asomeone your broken up with.