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tawnynkids · Jun 27, 2007, 03:59 PM

Hello Everyone-

I have enjoyed being here very much and would like to give back a little so for all you court junkies out there or for anyone who just likes a laugh to lighten things up I am posting something a friend sent to me (so I can't take credit for it) that may or may not amaze you but will hopefully at least entertain you! Happy reading...

Subject: Can you believe they said this?

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
Published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
These exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that Morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
His sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Duh...
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
Deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
On dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
You go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, h e was sitting on the table wondering why I was
Doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
A pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
When you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

talaniman · Jun 27, 2007, 04:55 PM

Love it LMAO

RickJ · Jun 28, 2007, 03:48 AM

I love those. I get similar ones by email every once in awhile and always wonder if they really were said. Here's some similar things I got in an email recently that made me laugh:

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

>
>Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
> live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
> then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
> which is why I would not live forever,"
>-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest .

> "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
> all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
> to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
> death and stuff."
> --Mariah Carey
>

> "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
> important part of your life,"
> -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
> Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
>

>"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part
> of my body,"
> -- Winston Bennett,
>University of Kentucky basketball forward .
>

>"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
> lowest crime rates in the country,"
> --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
>

> "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
> by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
> --A congressional candidate in Texas .
>
> "Half this game is ninety percent mental."
> --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
>
> "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
> the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
> --Al Gore, Vice President
>
>"We are ready for an un foreseen event that
> may or may not occur."
> -- Al Gore, VP
>
> "I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
> -- Dan Quayle

JoeCanada76 · Jun 28, 2007, 04:11 AM

Lmasof

tawnynkids · Jun 28, 2007, 08:57 AM

LMAO It is actually impressive to me how stupid some people can be.

JoeCanada76 · Jun 28, 2007, 09:02 AM

It is always funny to laugh at stupid things people do or say. Make us feel a lot better about ourselves.

shatteredsoul · Jun 28, 2007, 10:34 AM

Things that make you go HHMMMMM... I laughed through each one. Makes me feel a lot smarter, LOL

on_vacation · Jul 1, 2007, 07:21 AM

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
You go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

You got to love someone quick with a come back.

GV70 · Jul 25, 2007, 12:13 PM

It is a joke but I like it very much:
Nut Dispute

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It's my nut!"

The first squirrel said, "That's not fair! I saw it first!" The second squirrel said "Well, you may have seen it, but I have it".

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn't quarrel." "Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See. It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."

Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I'll take the meat."

MrsJoseph06 · Jul 25, 2007, 12:44 PM

Those are great!