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    tombabula's Avatar
    tombabula Posts: 35, Reputation: -3
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    #1

    Jun 22, 2007, 11:10 AM
    What kind of mother I have?
    In childhood, she was concerned about my health and education but not really about social life. It was OK! For her that I was getting along with social outcasts who also had boring life. As long as I was "saint" and religious, going always to church this was making her happy. Any who is agnostic "considers" evil. My sister was social outcast too and my parents neither had rich social life. Even when I was 10, she used to put me down with words (accused) of me having crooked back now being overweight (but I go to gym and try to loss weight and get in shape) . I went to very good but private school and the classes are small and teachers wonderful and statistically almost every graduate get job from school I attend. She of course preferred me to go to community college because of money. However, I got a lot of financial support for first year. I did not even took on campus housing to save more money for next year and to NOT go against my family's wishes as it would be hard. I love my mother but sitting with her and listening to her complaints is depressing. I really try hard but sometimes I feel she sometimes she undermine me, does not value good things I do. Help

    !She also always looks at my closet and backpack though I do not like it. I also cannot lock my door to my room because it is inappropriate for her. I feel little bit violated with privacy. I would get on-campus housing to live independently but I won't be able to afford next year. I cannot also afford leave off campus in the city, because what job in the world I could get that would pay me well part-time without even having yet college degree and academic experience. I will be sophomore next year in Computer Science major. What would you do in my situation and what do you think about my mother?
    tombabula's Avatar
    tombabula Posts: 35, Reputation: -3
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    #2

    Jun 22, 2007, 12:22 PM
    Anyone there? :confused:
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,298, Reputation: 5646
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    #3

    Jun 22, 2007, 12:26 PM
    I am sorry, but your post is a little hard to understand. I am guessing english is not your first language?

    Can you re-write this into more of a question format as I am sure people aren't exactly sure what you are asking for here.

    Also, not everyone who has a possible solution to your dilemma may not be online right now, so please be patient and someone who may be able to help you should come online shortly.
    tombabula's Avatar
    tombabula Posts: 35, Reputation: -3
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    #4

    Jun 22, 2007, 04:37 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by J_9
    I am sorry, but your post is a little hard to understand. I am guessing english is not your first language?

    Can you re-write this into more of a question format as I am sure people aren't exactly sure what you are asking for here.

    Also, not everyone who has a possible solution to your dilemma may not be online right now, so please be patient and someone who may be able to help you should come online shortly.
    Ok is now mine more clear? I think you guys should start rewarding respondents with points like in Yahoo Answers so this would encourage more to reply.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #5

    Jun 22, 2007, 06:06 PM
    Actually Yahoo answers is a sick joke, they are anti christian, non moral, if a person gives good answers if hateful people don't like them, they complain and the poster gets banned.

    But basically if you don't like living under your moms rule, move, that is your chioce.
    tombabula's Avatar
    tombabula Posts: 35, Reputation: -3
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    #6

    Jun 23, 2007, 08:15 PM
    poor social growth in past, today, is my mother too strict?
    In childhood, she was concerned about my health and education but not really about social life. It was OK! For her that I was getting along with social outcasts who also had boring life. As long as I was "saint" and religious, going always to church this was making her happy. Any who is agnostic "considers" evil. My sister was social outcast too and my parents neither had rich social life. Even when I was 10, she used to put me down with words (accused) of me having crooked back now being overweight (but I go to gym and try to loss weight and get in shape) . I went to very good but private school and the classes are small and teachers wonderful and statistically almost every graduate get job from school I attend. She of course preferred me to go to community college because of money. However, I got a lot of financial support for first year. I did not even took on campus housing to save more money for next year and to NOT go against my family's wishes as it would be hard. I love my mother but sitting with her and listening to her complaints is depressing. I really try hard but sometimes I feel she sometimes she undermine me, does not value good things I do. Help

    !She also always looks at my closet and backpack though I do not like it. I also cannot lock my door to my room because it is inappropriate for her. I feel little bit violated with privacy. I would get on-campus housing to live independently but I won't be able to afford next year. I cannot also afford leave off campus in the city, because what job in the world I could get that would pay me well part-time without even having yet college degree and academic experience. I will be sophomore next year in Computer Science major. What would you do in my situation and what do you think about my mother?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #7

    Jun 23, 2007, 08:32 PM
    I think she is working very hard, to do the best she can, to make sure you have a chance in this cold, cruel world on your own. Of course you can't see it now, but, all the disipline, and hardships, and sacrifice, will pay off in the future, and you will appreciate her tireless efforts, on your behalf. The thing you need to remember is that in 2 very short years, you will be looking at the world and getting to be a part of it, on your terms if you can hang in there, and do your part now. Strict she is, but she does what she has to for you, out of much love and concern, no doubt. Do your best to make her proud, because life takes no prisoners. Listen to her while you can.
    tombabula's Avatar
    tombabula Posts: 35, Reputation: -3
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    #8

    Jun 23, 2007, 10:04 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman
    I think she is working very hard, to do the best she can, to make sure you have a chance in this cold, cruel world on your own. Of course you can't see it now, but, all the disipline, and hardships, and sacrifice, will pay off in the future, and you will appreciate her tireless efforts, on your behalf. The thing you need to remember is that in 2 very short years, you will be looking at the world and getting to be a part of it, on your terms if you can hang in there, and do your part now. Strict she is, but she does what she has to for you, out of much love and concern, no doubt. Do your best to make her proud, because life takes no prisoners. Listen to her while you can.
    "went to very good but private school and the classes are small and teachers wonderful and statistically almost every graduate get job from school I attend. "

    You need to read carefully before you post any answer! And you did not put too much focus on my life. Look! Part of growing up is becoming independent. Without it neither me, nor parents will have advantage from that when they become old!
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #9

    Jun 23, 2007, 11:39 PM
    If you want to get nasty because you did not like the advice given. That tells me a lot about you.

    You know what, It sounds to me that the only thing she did was actually parent you and your trying to blame your mother for everything wrong.

    She may have been strict in some ways but look where you are now and be thankful.

    As far as independence that is something you need to figure out on your own. If you do not like certain things your mother is saying to you. Talk to her, tell her how you feel.

    Set bounderies, but you know what? Are you still living at home. If that is the case then she feels that she needs to still act as your mother, and as long as your under your parents roof you need to follow her rules.

    If you do not like it, you know the answer MOVE OUT. Move out, that's it. If it is so so bad for you that is your only option. Get a job, and Make that decision to break away from the nest on your own.

    No one said life was going to be easy.

    Joe
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #10

    Jun 24, 2007, 04:01 AM
    Damn it Talaniman! I'm 20! You did not read carefully!
    I read your post very carefully especially the part about
    I did not even took on campus housing to save more money for next year and to NOT go against my family's wishes
    You are dependent on your family to get through school and depend on them for everything, so to want to party and worry about a social life, that means you are able to take care of yourself and do as you please and this is not the case. As long as you are dependent on them guess who calls the shots. I applaud you doing well and its two very short years and you have your life to yourself. I understand social life, that is what you have to look forward to. For now, get that education as your mother works and then party all you want. Sorry you didn't like my answer. But you control nothing until you stand on your own.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #11

    Jun 24, 2007, 04:52 AM
    I will agree, you do not understand life yet, Your mom is trying to protect you and do what is right. You should try and be more like her.
    What you call "social out cast" are probably the better people who you need to be with. And the "in" people are most likely the ones drinking and parting and the ones you need to actually stay away from.

    But if you live in your moms home, you live by her rules. So this is the deal, "deal with it" or move, it is always your choice.

    As for as giving you no privicy, guess she is worried about what you are wanting to do, and trying to protect you. I think you should thank her for loving you and caring for you so much.
    shygrneyzs's Avatar
    shygrneyzs Posts: 5,017, Reputation: 936
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    #12

    Jun 24, 2007, 07:21 AM
    I am going to ask you to explain this, that you wrote, "I did not even took on campus housing to save more money for next year and to NOT go against my family's wishes as it would be hard."

    You are complaining so much about your rights being violated, your privacy not being honored, your Mother being so strict, then why in the world don't you grow up and get out on your own? That way you have all your rights protected, your privacy honored, no one to be strict with you, and no one to whine about?

    I have a strong feeling that going against your "family wishes as it would be hard" would be hard on you - the support they provide to you would be gone. Give me a break already. I was in your shoes and just as angry as you are now. Taking the first step on my own was hard but it was the best first step I ever took.

    I agree your Mom is strict but what would you prefer? Some Mom that does not pay attention to you, does not care, does not worry about her own child's future? There are some Mom's like that out there. Be thankful you have a Mom that does care. When you get smart and get on your own, you can do as you like. You live as you like. But for now, her home = her rules. Get over it or move. You can work and go to school - thousands, millions of students work and go to college. IT is called being an adult.
    tombabula's Avatar
    tombabula Posts: 35, Reputation: -3
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    #13

    Jun 24, 2007, 09:51 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck
    Actually yahoo answers is a sick joke, they are anti christian, non moral, if a person gives good answers if hateful people don't like them, they complain and the poster gets banned.

    But basicly if you don't like living under your moms rule, move, that is your chioce.
    Anti Christian, anti-moral? On what basis? By what you meant good answers? It sounds like you reason something on divine command theory, but this theory is based on obedience, not reason. There is no room left for collecting and analyzing facts. In addition I also I do NOT believe in moral relativism, neither subjective nor cultural.
    The other workable theories for me are Kantianism (universalism), utilitarianism, personal libertarianism, Rawl's distributive justice, social contract, and virtue ethics. Please use those for explanation why Yahoo Answers is "anti christian". It is almost like saying Comcast is bad or Microsoft is bad which does not make any sense.
    huno's Avatar
    huno Posts: 336, Reputation: 75
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    #14

    Jun 24, 2007, 09:59 AM
    I'm going to have to disagree with the above posters and say tombabula has valid concerns. Normally I post in the Relationships/Dating/Mental Wellness sections, but today I began thinking about one issue I'm dealing with, very similar to yours.

    Throughout my life, my parents were very strict; my mother is especially controlling, particularly dealing with money. She's obsessed with saving money and never spending a penny unless absolutely necessary. Granted, it's gotten us very far in life, but it's also been a hindrance. Why? Because no one is as cheap as she is and it grates on everyone she knows (including me).

    My mom was also always pushing us to go to school and I always wanted to go to college and study (just got my MS in Computer Science), so that's fine. She wouldn't let me go to a good school (coming out of high school, I had a 4.4 GPA and I'm a latino--I could have gone nearly anywhere); she forced me to go to a local community college because it costs less and I wouldn't have to pay rent--and mind you, I'd been working throughout high school so I have always had my own money: I could have afforded rent on my own, without taking out loans.

    She also wanted us to be socially responsible and mature, and so did I; fine. But where we disagree is the extent to which people need social lives.

    My mom grew up with no social life, and she's happy this way. Today she has no friends; she'd rather spend all day in the house than go out and do anything (which would cost money... plus she's content with being at home all day anyway). And that's fine--for her. But I personally feel the need to go out, have some fun and have a good time--all within reason. I'm not going to blow my life savings on beer and women, like many kids these days. I'm fiscally responsible but I do like to splurge every so often; I like to go out and watch a movie or eat with friends or whatever. These are things she HATES--"why eat out when you have food at home? why not watch a movie on TV?"

    She doesn't control my life--I can do these things anyway. I just hate having to hear about it when she finds out I've spent any money.

    So I can relate with tombabula. I was going to ask a question of my own, but it'd be very similar to his and I can see what your opinions are. I'm not saying they're wrong, but I think perhaps you all are reading too much into his wishes for a social life.

    There's no reason you can't study and have a good, healthy social upbringing. Just don't go overboard; I tried to have fun while maintaining a good GPA. If you really are thinking of partying every night and coming home drunk, or spending all your cash on stupid things, then the above posters are correct in thinking you are being too critical. But if you can balance your education and your social upbringing, then I think you need to start distancing yourself from your parents and start living your own life, however you can do so.
    tombabula's Avatar
    tombabula Posts: 35, Reputation: -3
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    #15

    Jun 24, 2007, 10:16 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck
    I will agree, you do not understand life yet, Your mom is trying to protect you and do what is right. You should try and be more like her.
    What you call "social out cast" are probably the better people who you need to be with. And the "in" people are most likely the ones drinking and parting and the ones you need to actually stay away from.

    But if you live in your moms home, you live by her rules. So this is the deal, "deal with it" or move, it is always your choice.

    As for as giving you no privicy, guess she is worried about what you are wanting to do, and trying to protect you. I think you should thank her for loving you and caring for you so much.
    Who said I want to go party and get drunk! Anyway good education without good social well-being = poor life. Anyway what is bad in drinking and parting if it is kept in balance? If someone does that with moderation and drinks responsibly without having bad effects on his life and others, then that's OK!
    tombabula's Avatar
    tombabula Posts: 35, Reputation: -3
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    #16

    Jun 24, 2007, 10:16 AM
    Comment on huno's post
    Well done answer! I totally agree with You!
    tombabula's Avatar
    tombabula Posts: 35, Reputation: -3
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    #17

    Jun 24, 2007, 10:20 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by huno

    There's no reason you can't study and have a good, healthy social upbringing. Just don't go overboard; I tried to have fun while maintaining a good GPA. If you really are thinking of partying every night and coming home drunk, or spending all your cash on stupid things, then the above posters are correct in thinking you are being too critical. But if you can balance your education and your social upbringing, then I think you need to start distancing yourself from your parents and start living your own life, however you can do so.
    Exactly, I want to have not only good education but also a healthy social well-being. Without it, I feel lonely and it may even have sometimes negative influence on studying. Having friends is important! Thank you very much for your good answer!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #18

    Jun 24, 2007, 11:21 AM
    Huno/tombabula.

    Not denying you have good points, and very valid concerns, but what is lost is you can do whatever you want on your dime. That's the whole point. When you want to do as you please, then don't expect people to support your habit on their dime. Of course you don't see it now, but you will understand a lot more, when you have to do the same thing for your own kids. And you'll feel what your moms feels now.
    huno's Avatar
    huno Posts: 336, Reputation: 75
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    #19

    Jun 24, 2007, 05:47 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman
    What is lost is you can do whatever you want on your dime. Thats the whole point. When you want to do as you please, then don't expect people to support your habit on their dime. Of course you don't see it now, but you will understand a lot more, when you have to do the same thing for your own kids. And you'll feel what your moms feels now.
    I get that part, but (in my case, anyway) it is my dime--i.e. everything I have and do costs me money: I don't ask any money from my parents because I've been working since high school. I've accrued a healthy savings account and bought my own car, paid tuition, clothes, food, rent, etc.

    If it were my parents' money, then absolutely, I would not argue if they didn't want to buy me everything I asked for. But even if it were about the parents' money, tombabula is talking about having a simple, healthy social life. If you're too busy studying to work, then you can't have an income and you'd need to ask for some money to make sure you stay sane, and you should devote time to enjoy yourself.

    Life can't be all about work--most people go nuts doing nothing but work. When you're growing up, I think it's fair to get $5 or $10 a week to see a movie or eat with friends, or to put away and save for something bigger. I don't think tombabula wants to drive daddy's Porsche--he just wants some freedom to experience life without his mother's strict judgment.

    I think that if I'd have had just a little more support, both financially and emotionally, I'd have been a lot happier growing up. I didn't have many friends in high school because I was never taught to socialize, and my parents actively avoided friends and family so I wasn't really given the opportunities, implicit or otherwise, to meet and interact with other people. My parents were perfectly content with leading very private lives. We never invited people over, and my father would literally chase away our neighbors when we moved into a new home. If I brought home any friends to hang out, my dad would become very irate and he'd never let them come back.

    I think I was very quiet and shy growing up because of it. It's only recently that I'd started to buy and read behavioral psychology books and tried to reverse their upbringing. I think I'm better off for it.

    That's what he's complaining about, I think. Yes, tombabula, it's possible your mother is entirely too strict. Your post kind of goes all over the place, but I think I see your point.

    Also, her invasion of your privacy (which my mom is also guilty of) can be very upsetting. Does she have reason to suspect you're doing anything wrong?

    Anyway, I think what I'm trying to say is that some parents can be very overbearing and they can cause their children to grow up very poorly fitted for socialization and the real world; that's how school shooters are born.

    Yes, it is true that many are NOT cognizant of their childrens' lives at all and they wind up dead, in prison or living in a garage the rest of their lives. Balance is the key, and that's what I personally have a gripe about.

    BTW, tombabula, where are you from? Is English your first language? Just curious.
    tombabula's Avatar
    tombabula Posts: 35, Reputation: -3
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    #20

    Jun 24, 2007, 09:16 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by huno

    BTW, tombabula, where are you from? Is English your first language? Just curious.
    Hey. I am originally from Poland. I grew up there just with my mother and sister, my father emigrated when I was 2. My grandfather was taking care of me until he died when I was 7. My sister moved out from house when she got 20 and it was time for her to go to college. My parents paid her rent (at that time and place they could afford). I lived in very small town, nothing much was there. At age 17 finally I moved out with my mother when we got green cards. I really appreciate this from them. I have been in the United States for 3 years. So my primary language is Polish. I learned English little bit in Poland and finally here in the U.S. I understand a lot and have no problems with understanding lecture or friends. The only thing is I do not speak fast and sometimes when people talk very fast I have problem with understanding them, but generally I know the context of subject. Btw, as I live around Chicago, people speak here with many different accents. So it little depends on that too.
    Btw regarding "the dime" I am in similar situation to yours. I have been working for more than year. My first job I got at some dollar store and then the second at Macy's as merchandiser. However, I did not earn and save much (had only 6.50/h and later in Macy's $7.25/h). With all costs of spending for cellular bill and health insurance (my parents do not have), books, clothes and dining it was impossible. For health insurance I pay around $60 per month. Currently, I am looking for new job and I quit old one which prevented me from taking summer classes. Just my boss did not care about my education and it was UNFAIR. I hope to find job that will fit the most in my field, however, it is not quaranteed since I still have a long way ahead education to even qualify for most internships. I just only learned HTML and little Java Script and Python. I did not have yet .NET or Java courses. I am in Computer Science major and I go to DePaul University in Chicago. I live in far suburbs and have to take train. Commuting one way takes me average 80-100 minutes. I live with my parents in apartment complex where there is a lot of small kids screaming all day and nights. That's why I study in library and will buy laptop next year. I was thinking about taking on-campus housing next year and even got housing agreement on my hand, but my mother with older sister (30 years old, married) did not like that I would have to borrow more money, even though it is private loan on my name (with my father as co-signer). I have got to pay off from loans about 11,500 for tutition for next sophomore year and housing would cost me additional $7000-$1000 (excluding summer). But even before that, when I had a chance to get free housing for spring quarter when I was applying for RA position, my mother was even then little not comfortable about me moving out. Finally, I did not get this job because a lot of people applied for that and only few got selected. So here I am confused, are they really worried about loan-money or something else, or both? They obviously do not want me to get in big debt and I appreciate that. My sister insisted on me to take steps slowly and find just ANY new better job and then again some another more better. But how many people really go to full-time college and have full-time job at the same time? Not really, just part-time but then I guess then it is not enough for rent ( Let's say if I was going to rent off-campus and find roommates). By the way I prefer to focus rather on career related to Computer Science field. But first I must get enough experience! I hope you understand my story which is little bit more complicated than what I said-- First year in the U.S I lived in Massachusetts with my parents, I got there some Polish friends but once we moved to Chicago after one year I almost lost contact with them, even though I call them. So social life there was little bit better than in Poland. In Chicago I got quite alienated. And besides first year here I lived with my parents under the roof of my sister's house. Somehow she needed us quickly. Decision to move was quick! My parents later regretted that decision. My father was out of job for many months. My education got stretched, because of difference in education system and new requirements for courses between Mass and Illinois. But finally I managed to get to DePaul. Now I hope to find friends and not only Polish but also Americans. Anyway there is here rather more Polish-American who many of them speak English. On-campus housing would be ideal for making connections and improving my English. But you know my situation. Thanks for your posts! You are my friend Huno!

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