[jrp31]

My on and off boyfriend has recently told me that he "needs time" to think. He keeps telling me that he loves me, but he needs time. We began dating in 2003 and broke up in 2005. We have been on and off since then. He is 6 years younger than me. We met and never knew how old we both were until after dating 3 months... haha.. I love him and his family. We are very close and the chemistry is amazing. He has said in the past that he knows that I am the "one" and he is scared because he knows with me... its forever... I think he is going through through a freak-out period because it is getting to the point of do it or not!! We have not talked in 1 month... I just get some texts once in a while... reminding me that he loves me and he needs more time. I get so frustrated, but I give him the time. I am dating, but that upsets me more because nobody makes me feel the way he does. Any advice?? I am stuck and scared that it may really be over.

[talaniman]

How old are you two??

[jrp31]

I am 33 and he is 27. I am a teacher in NJ--close to Manhattan... and he is a hospital administrator in NYC... In his second year of law school(nights)... We were making it work on the weekends and once in a while during the week. Right before he told me this he was coming here every weekend or I was in NYC. It seemed to be going well again, but he runs whenever it gets "too good". I know we love each other. I try but moving on is nearly impossible. I find something wrong with EVERY guy. I want to wait and believe he is figuring out if this is forever... but it hurts and not knowing what he is doing is pure torture. Help:)))

[Wondergirl]

Back off for, say, a month. (Tell him, "I'll be out of the picture for a while, wanna give us some space" and don't get into deep explanations.) Ignore him and any contact he makes. Give him space. See what happens.

[talaniman]

Your both ae very busy people, and should talk about working together to enjoy each other, rather than one trying to get more than the other wants, or is ready for. Less pressure, more fun and listening. He is still very young, and has a lot of growing and exploring, before he can be sure of the forever stuff. Back off some. Less is more.

[jrp31]

Thanks for the advice... It is funny that you both said the same thing! I am definitely backing off and have been. Its hard on weekends and going to weddings... UGH! I get weak... but I know he has never "missed: me. I am always available and never the biggest challenge to him. He has a strong personality and can be quite stubborn. I tend to crumble easier... I am proud of myself for not calling and texting--I just wish I knew if it was worth it... don't we all? Life is a risk. I was married and unfortunately after one year, my husband passed away from cancer. I KNOW how it feels to really be in love. I guess I figure that I found it again... maybe its worth waiting for in the end. Wish me luck. I will still be dating here and there... hey, you never know!

[talaniman]

By all means date as why wait for a what if, or a maybe. That's not fair or healthy to hang in limbo. Never give up your own life and happiness, even after you find someone to SHARE it with.

[chuff]

Your started dating him when he was 21 so maybe he feels like he missed something during his early 20's because he was "tied up" in a relationship. As everybody else has said, move forward without him and maybe after he thinks about it he will come around. But until then you can't waste your life waiting for his to catch up to where yours.

[jrp31]

Thanks Chuff...

Actually he was 23... no big difference. Yes.. I think you are right. He lives with 2 single guys and I KNOW he feels like he still wants to be out and about. I love going out and always encouraged him to be with his friends--but I guess its scary for him--the finality of it all. I am still going to continue no contact. Im being strong. He was the last to contact me... saying he loves me and he "needs more time". I try not to think what that time entails... LOL... sickening. I think the most positive thoughts I can and go forward. I KNOW he misses me. I wish I had a crystal ball to see the houtcome of this almost 4 year saga. HAHA.. I just wish I could give another guy a fair chance... its hard to be so picky when the problem is truly ME! Wish I could shake it!

[jrp31]

Just an update... I have been really missing him lately. I have been seeing someone else--but feeling like that is making the situation worse. It kind of makes me miss him more. I keep getting urges to contact him. I feel very stuck. I am hoping he comes around in time and misses me etc, but I am really trying to get out there and move on---its just not working!! It has been 2 weeks since the last time I heard from him telling me he needs more time and he loves me... I am definitely in limbo and the no contact thing is good some days and torture other days. I know that if I do something and I get no response or a negative one, it will be worse... wow--this is hard!

[hair2007]

Please don't bother contacting him... trust me when someone wants to get a hold of you they will!! And your right, don't make that mistake of maybe hearing what you don't want at this time, by calling or texting. Been there done that many times with the same person... let him do the work of contacting you.
I know its soooo hard to do but try not to contact him... gd luck

[jrp31]

Thanks... I look forward to checking the site during the day for advice and the guidance from people that have been "there". Its hard to keep talking to friends over and over that are in a totally different scenario. It gives me the confidence I need to not cave in! Thank you all so much:)

[dreamguy]

Just an update... I have been really missing him lately. I have been seeing someone else--but feeling like that is making the situation worse. It kind of makes me miss him more. I keep getting urges to contact him. I feel very stuck. i am hoping he comes around in time and misses me etc, but I am really trying to get out there and move on---its just not working!!! It has been 2 weeks since the last time I heard from him telling me he needs more time and he loves me... I am definately in limbo and the no contact thing is good some days and torture other days. i know that if I do something and I get no response or a negative one, it will be worse...wow--this is hard!

You miss him more when you are dating other guys because you still have strong feelings for him. This is why I don't believe that getting under someone else is the best way to get over someone. I believe you have to get over the old before you are ready for the new.

I feel the same way about my ex girlfriend. I haven't dated since she broke up with me and I don't plan to anytime soon. Even just browsing through profiles of other women on a dating website causes me to miss my ex more so I stopped doing even that. I'm better off being alone and just hanging out with friends until I get over her or get her back.

Until one is 100% over their ex then they are emotionally handicapped from enjoying dates with new people to its fullest let alone committing to anyone else. If you find that dating other guys is causing you to miss him more then try to stay out of the dating scene for awhile. It's not fair to you or a potential new boyfriend.

This is one reason I stay away from women who tell me that they are just fresh out of a long term relationship. I don't want to be her rebound boyfriend.

[dreamguy]

But as far as your contact with him is concerned I don't think you should totally ignore him but I do think you should take your time replying to any contact he initiates with you. Don't answer all of his calls. Do not initiate any contact at all.

Maybe answer once for every 3rd or 4th call he makes to you. Keep the conversation short, light & funny. Don't stay on the line for more than 2-3 minutes. End the conversation first. Just don't bring up any heavy subjects. Don't ask to meet up. Don't talk about your feelings or the past.

Take 1 week to reply to any voicemails, e-mails, text messages, IMs, etc. Just before you end conversations the best thing to do is say "hold on for a second" and then wait 20 seconds. Get back on the phone and say you got to go because you have another call coming in or something like that & wish him well. Don't say that you hope to hear from him again. Don't say you will call him either.

[jrp31]

dreamguy... wow... its like you were foreshadowing what was to come. I woke up this morning to a text message... " I just want you in my arms". It has been 2 weeks. I can't believe him. If he wants and loves me--how hard is it to pick up a phone? Classic coward. Im not going to lie... it feels good to know I am on is mind.. but I am going to take your advice and not respond. I deserve more than a text eery once in a while. My problem in the past was that I was so quick to jump at his contacts and he knew he had me hook, line and sinker. I was putty in his hands. Must have been a true turn off. Well, I am a teacher and he def. knows school is out. He is prob wondering what I am doing. I also have a fancy wedding in Manhattan on sat. that he was supposed to go to. I am taking someone else... he is prob. Realizing that is coming up as well. Maybe not---guys don't remember that stuff... LOL. One twisted part of me is scared to not reply---in the fear that he thinks he reachhed out to me and got nothing back so now he won't do it again... but the other part of me is like... let him work for it!! One text shouldn't make or break the situation. I have been patient and gave him space... and have been so nice about it. I know guys need to feel it---feel the absence of someone they have taken for granted. Now is my chance... I never let him feel it before out of fear. I feel stronger! Wish me luck!

[jrp31]

Wow... I woke up to another text today... " Yea...I want the feeling back". I really don't think there is anything to say to that. I know he is definitely being affected by it now... But he still isn't calling me. Just text. I don't think I am going to respond until he picks up the phone. Its hard... really hard, but he "old" me would be calling him and questioning what is going on in his head, what is happening, etc... I have to wait. It's the only way. Any advice? I have to admit that I never thought this would behappening. I thought it was pretty much done... Well---nothing is really definite. Have to remember that.

[talaniman]

I think you've already got a good plan going, and hope you continue.