[smackers]

My Husband and I have been together for 12 years married for 3. We are high school sweethearts and have had a good relantionship up until the past year. A brief run down would be he opened up his own company 3 years ago and things were going well until last year when business really started booming. With that came some new found popularity that my husband wasn't used to. He ended up getting caught up in an image and started abusing drugs and alcohol. Along with that came the girls. I didn't know this was going on until Feb of this year when I finally became pregnant after 17 months of trying. Yes that's right.. all my husband has ever wanted was to be a dad and we had been doing fertility treatments to make our dream happen. By all accounts my husband was a great guy until he started drinking. When he drank which started once a month or so he would do bad things.. then it progressed into drinking and partying every weekend.
Along with all of this his guilt got the best of him. He left me the day after I told him I was pregnant. I am currently 22 weeks along. For the first 5 months he was travelling for work but still stayed very close to me. He was getting help with a counsellor and would talk about coming home once the out of town work was over. I thought we were making progress. Last weekend he announced that he has feelings for an employee of his. This employee has been travelling with him and I guess is the distraction he needs to move on without me. He says he still wants to be apart of the babies life and wants a friendship with me. But he has stopped calling completely. When he is in town now he doesn't even visit or call me. Nothing. All of a sudden I am all alone. I am so sad and mad and hurt. How was I that easily replaced. Is she just a distraction. He is running away from his issues I know.. but do you think he has just removed me from his head? Does he think of me? Do I mean anything to him? When this baby is born will he regret his decisions? Will he come around and see he isn't just hurting me?

I miss him so much... but right now I don't know what better for me. I told him his involvement in this pregnancy and babies life his all up to his actions. I am not going to update him or keep him informed of things. I figure if he wants to know then he can call. If he cares enough he will call.
I haven't talked to him in 5 days which is a record for us. We usually talk daily. It just feels like he is gone for good. Is it true... or is he running scared and not calling so that he doesn't have to deal with it all. His is new girl real or is he just using her for a distraction.

So many questions... thanks for your advice in advance.

[emopunk7]

Move on... Be the better person. He is a mess and be glad you are not with him. I know it will be really hard. Start dating hun!

[Pook_Myster]

I'm so sorry to hear about your untimely situation, I can't begin to imagine how alone you must feel right now. Do you have good family support around you? There is nothing like family and friends right now to distract, support, rally and make you laugh and smile again!

There are positives in the situation, though I'm sure you can't or don't want to see them right now. You are pregnant! Don't look upon that in a negative way. Once the emotion of the situation dies down a little and your 'rational head' returns (I always think that you lose your mind for a little while when it is swamped with the turmoil of a break up) you will remember the good times without crying, you will stop to miss him so much, and you will see that if he was once great enough for you to want to have his children, then this child will be wonderful too, and very wanted and loved I am sure.

Hey - you're a smart chicken I can tell from your post, so you already know that he is USING the new girlfriend as a distraction, just like he used alcohol and drugs, as that is exactly what they are - alcohol clouds your head so that you don't have to deal with the reality that is life - so people who become dependent on it want that cloud to remain so as to not have to deal with their problems. That is his lesson though, not yours - and even though I am sure you wanted to help and support him through to the light at the other end, if he didn't want to see it you could never force him. People have to want to help themselves and hopefully one day when he does he will realise how lucky he was to be in a relationship where his partner wanted to be there for him, and he will realise the gravity of what he gave away.

So... be strong, I can't tell you what the future will bring, but maybe take some time to prepare yourself for both outcomes - if you are going to be alone surround yourself with positive people who will inspire you, and if he returns - ask yourself if you need him, want him and can forgive him for the hurt he has caused you.

Good luck =)

[talaniman]

I am sorry for the turn of events that you find yourself in. Right now though the most important thing is getting a healthy, and happy child into the world, and family and friends to support you would be ideal. Your mate is a jerk for leaving at a time like this, but better to know he is a jerk now, than later, and don't worry about his being there, as long as his money is. Hate too be harsh, but just thinking of the needs of a pregnant woman first. After the baby is born, there will be plenty of time to make decisions, but for now take care of yourself, and your child to be.

[emopunk7]

Umm... I guess I don't have a problem with the disagreement. I was just trying to give her the push and encouragement to move forward and not stay in her situation. She has to start somewhere. She definitely shouldn't stay where she is in her life. Changes must be made, drastic changes! It's OK if you disagree... Take care Smacker and good luck!

[LadyB]

Is she just a distraction. He is running away from his issues I know.. but do you think he has just removed me from his head? Does he think of me?. Do I mean anything to him? When this baby is born will he regret his decisions? Will he come around and see he isn't just hurting me?

I predict he will eventually "wake up" and feel gobsmacked by his own actions and maybe even depressed and confused. However, I wouldn't suggest you wait around for that to happen. I think you should file for divorce and get the child support, visitation, and living arrangements in place. You're a mother now, and need to put your child first.

If your action brings about his realization faster, then you can decide whether you will forgive him and take him back. In the meantime create a life for yourself and your child and be strong.

[lmnotok]

Oh lady, when I read your situation, I found that mine is absolutely nothing! You are such a nice woman.

Right now, maybe he is not thinking about you, and he might not think about you when he is still depressed and is with that employee. But, eventually, I think he will know what is best for him, especially you guys spent years together. Things don't just fade away that easy. So right now, I know you are painful but you must act strong (if you want him back) because its not you who left.

And a child, he/she is the best thing happens to you, so you are not alone at all! You can talk to her/him, and don't be so sad or it will affect your child later.

All the best for you, lady :x

[smackers]

My DH and I are separated and as I posted last week I had heard from him that he was staying with a coworker of his (female) this absolutely crushed me and made me think the horrible. I confronted him and he admitted he had feeling for her but didn't want anything due to our relantionship and our baby that is due in October. I didn't believe him and it lead to a big fight over the phone. We had no contact for all of last week which just killed me. I think that if he isn't calling, he isn't thinking of me, and if he isn't thinking of me he doesn't care. The week dragged on and my heart was broken in 2. I am carrying his child why wouldn't he care?
Well on Saturday he showed up at our house and we had a huge talk. He was crying and admitted that he thinks of me all the time and he still loves me and cares for me. He just can't be in our marriage anymore. He said he is staying with this other girl because she has a spare room in her house. Am I being Naïve in believing that. I asked him repeatly to tell me if something was going on.. I said I needed to know so that I can deal with on top of all the other heartache now or be able to stop worrying that he had replaced me so soon. He refuses to talk to me about. He said he won't discuss it with me and to drop the subject. What does that mean? He then said he would tell me what I want to hear even if it isn't true? What does that mean?
I said I need to know because in order for me to let go and move on I need the truth. Then I said over and over again "Because that is what you want me to do right? Let go and move on?" He didn't answer... he stood there with tears streaming down his face. I must have asked the question 10 times and finally he said "that is what you have to do" but he never said "That is what I want you to do"
So what does that mean? I know I should just begin letting go and believing its over but it is sooooo hard. We tried for 17 months to have this baby. We have been together for 12 years. Married for 3. I love him with every fibre of my being. We have had rough year but I am willing to forgive and work it out. He just can't live with the guilt he carries.

I guess my question is... what do you think for this conversation? If he was with someone else do you think he would talk that openly to me? If he was with this new girl don't you think he wouldn't have anything to do with me? Would he say the things he said if he had moved on?

How do I move on.. while thinking he may come home. Because ultimately that is all I want... I want my husband back.

Thanks for your help.

[Pook_Myster]

Ouch. It all sounds so aweful for you - I'm sorry.

I would think that your DH is feeling very guilty - and thus the tears, I think he is in denial - and thus the inability to give you the truth about the other woman ('I would tell you what you wanted to hear even if it wasn't the truth'). That statement indicated to you that he isn't telling you the truth, and that was possibly his un-manly way of saying so. Who knows what is going on with the other woman, but out of respect for you, he shouldn't be staying there (first he says he has feelings for her, then he says he is only staying because she has a spare room... what nobody else has a spare room he can use?).

Your HD needs to have more respect for you, and more consideration for others - his decisions are not only his when children, or unborn children are involved. I think he is selfish, and I really hope that in time he will either wake up and realise that he is behaving immorally, or you will find happiness and peace.

[mckenzie134]

Hes with her soryy to say.

His gone does not mean he won't wake up in a month and realise he wants to come back. But for now although it has been 12 years and you have his baby there is nothing that you can do about it. You must leave him alone and he may return when he realises itsnot that much greener and his left a loving family.

If you wait it out 3 months will be hard but I believe he will be back. He may have met this new girl and its all new but give it time he will realise what he has thrown away. Not many people will move on that quick and be with someone else. You cannot bug him at this stage he has made up his mind for the moment. Let him go...

[smackers]

Thanks for the replies. I am just so lost. I miss him so much. I need to let go but I just can't find the strength to do it.
I want him to come home... I don't want him to miss all the fun stuff in the pregnancy. I just want all of this to end :(

[smackers]

Hello,
I have to ask this question and get everyone's opinions because I feel like am completely torn. My DH and I separated for a short time for him to go and get some help and get something's in order. We are expecting our first child in October so I am currently 6 months pregnant. While he was off getting his stuff together he found himself attracted to one of his co-workers. He openly admits he used her at first as a distraction from all the other stuff in his life. He is totally committed to having a family and has been all about our baby since he left.
My problem lies here... He tells me he still loves me and that he is torn. He said he really wants nature to take its course and see what happens between us. Meanwhile he is living at her house and sleeping in her bed. I don't think this is fair. But then again we don't have a relantionship anymore so is it really? He wants to be apart of my life for the baby's sake and he phones all the time and comes over to feel the baby kick and help with the nursery but its getting so hard. He says he wants to be with his family but he is confused. Ya so confused he keeps going back to her bed. He has found his own place to live now and is moving in August. But will that change anything... I don't think so.

My question is... is it fair to have him so involved in my life and this baby's life when he made the choice to leave. Should I give him an ultimatium? I just don't know how much more heartache I can take. I still love him and it hurts every time he chooses her over me. Would it be easier to tell him as long as she is in his life and I have the feelings I have that we can't be around each other? I don't want to be unfair and take away his rights as a father but part of me thinks he gave up those rights by jumping into bed with her.

Please help.. I need your thoughts. I am very confused. Do I push away the man that I love.. and I know loves me but is just really confused. Or do I continue this painful journey until the baby is born and my life changes again forever and finally for the good.

Thanks

[cschang]

I am not sure where to begin. You kept on saying you love him and yet knowing that every night he choose to sleep with her. What makes him deserve your love? You have a soon to be born child to worry about who will need your undivided attention. Why do you spend time and energy over someone who is not treating you right? I am not sure where you got the idea from that he loves you.

I know it's easy to confused your present feeling of love with your memory. Do you still love him because of the past or because of the present? If it is the past, I hate to tell you that past is past. People change and things change. He doesn't seem to be the person you used to love because he knowledgely decides to do things to hurt you. You deserve more because you don't want to be with someone who chooses to hurt you right?

As for the bay, he will remaind to be the baby's father. For the first two years, baby doesn't know better and you don't need him to be around for the baby's sake. You also need time to cure your heart because you need to be strong for the baby, right? You can revisit the issue after two years.

I hope this helps!

[Squiffy]

It depends what ultimatum you want to give him. If you plan on telling him its you and the baby, or her, that's a really bad idea. He can fight you through the courts and get access to the baby anyway, its pointless and will just add stress you don't need. You can't take away his rights as a father just because he no longer lives with you and has found a new partner. He is keeping an active role in the pregnancy and seemingly appears to want to be a father and no court will ignore all that when it comes to custody issues. And your baby has a right to know their father.
Its awful he has done this to you, and trust me I know better than most how much that hurts, but the best way to play this is by keeping your cool. Show him you are a strong independent woman and can handle all of this, even if it is just a façade! It is far more attractive than being needy and upset. Chances are this new woman is a rebound and once baby is born the bond you share will lead him back to you, but its hard to know for sure.

[kay13]

Oh dear, my heart goes out to you. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
If he's so confused, why is he in someone else's bed? Is this something you can forgive and live with?

No matter how much you love him, you have to be strong and not let him wipe his feet all over you. My ex husband was 'confused' for 10 years!
Don't be anyone's doormat, love should never make you a victim.

[smackers]

Ok well this weekend I had an experience with my EX that made me see very clearly that what comes out of his mouth is all lies. In a way this a good thing for me right? Well I have been struggling. I am 6 months pregnant and he has been saying he is going be here for me and the baby but just not in a relantionship. Great.. except after this weekend I don't believe him anymore.
He is with another girl already... and he is living with her. On the weekend he called to tell me he bought a new car and was going sky diving with her. NICE... seeing as I bought him the gift certificate to sky dive as our wedding present to each other. (it was something he always wanted to do) Anyway.. I realized right then and there that all the crap he had been telling me for the past 4 months of how he misses me and still loves me but is just confused blah blah blah was all crap. He doesn't care...
I am angry and upset.. so why does it still hurt. The thing that bothers me the most is he is off playing with his new girl while I am at home pregnant.. dealing with all our responsibilities. Is it wrong of me to want him to crash and burn. I want him to suffer. Will he ever feel remorseful? How is it so easy for him to take our 12 year relantionship and just toss it? I am sitting here wondering why he hasn't called in 3 days (which is odd for him) then I am thinking to myself why doesn't he want to check in and see how the baby is? But then when he does call do I really want to talk to him? Part of me says yes... the other part says no.. I know when he does call it will just be his duty call to appear like he cares... OH I HATE THIS ROLLERCOASTER.

Any advice out there.. how can I get over this last little emotional hump? I just want him to see I am moving on without him and I don't need him.. and I want something to happen to him to humble him from this teenage lifestyle he is living. I feel like he is spinning out of control.

[modular01]

To put it bluntly, the guy is an a-hole. A person like him isn't even worth getting upset over. I know it's easier said than done, but he is playing head games with you. Tell him that it's nice and all that he got a new car, but when it comes time for him to step up to the plate when the child is born, that he better do the right thing. And if he doesn't, go after him for it.

[Canada_Sweety]

Oh wow... I am so sorry to hear all of this. Of course you're feeling feelings of hate and anger, I would too if I was you. And not only are the feelings of resentment there but they are more so then usual because of the pregnancy. I too am pregnant and the father did pretty well refuse any responsibility but I'm letting go of that for now. Letting go for the moment and thinking about your health and the babies health should be the only things on your mind at the moment. And yes, it will be 20 times harder then what I had to do because you guys were married and stuff but you seem like a strong woman and we both know that you are capable. Forget about him and his new girlfriend (who probably won't last judging by the way the whole situation went down) and just try relaxing. It is hard to do for the first week or two but once you get past the badness and anger, you see that you've got a blessing from God coming your way, and you need to only worry about that. The feelings will eventually fade away but it will take time. Just try turning your hate for him into love for your unborn child. And if he says he won't be there anymore, then you get a lawyer and you sue him for child support. I hope everything goes well and I could be of help. I'm here for you to talk or if you need anything else and will be more then happy to give my 2 cents. Best wishes & god luck with everything:)

[s_cianci]

You say that you're moving on without him and that's a good thing. However, your actions belie your words. You are obviously angry and resentful. The question is, what about? Is it because your relationship is over? Is it because you're pregnant? Is it because he's moving on? Is it a combination of those things? Who broke up with whom and why? Waiting and wondering why he hasn't called in 3 days and feeling like you want him to "crash and burn" isn't moving on without him. He is still controlling you. It doesn't necessarily sound like he wants to but you're allowing him to. He is the only one moving on here, not you. You need to cut yourself loose from him, emotionally and otherwise, and focus on the needs of your unborn child. You have to respect him as the father and he has to provide financial support to the child. He doesn't owe you anything but he does owe the child. Be prepared for the possibility that he'll contest paternity and/or file for custody and/or visitation. Don't take anything personally and understand that the judge will make all decisions based on what's deemed to be in the best interests of the child. Whatever the judge orders, go along with it or you could end up getting yourself in trouble. One final note ; you say that you were together for 12 years. Why were you never either married or moved on long ago? That piques my curiosity. I think that there are some other issues at work here besides just the pregnancy.

[smackers]

I am angry for a lot of reasons but mainly because I am here living my life with our responsibilities and he is off acting like a child doing stupid things.
We have been together for 12 years and married for 3 of them.
He is still controlling me I know this... I just wish there was an easy way to let go.
I have no fears that he will contest paternity or anything like that. He is very open to this baby and is really looking forward to being a dad. However with that said... he is looking forward to being a dad.. without me.