[alkaline]

Hey, this is my first question here, I've answered but never asked. I was just sitting here thinking about something and I thought maybe I could throw it at you guys.

I'm a first year attorney. I'm on a fast track to become a full partner, my mentor wants me to take his place when he retires. I mostly do family law, but I handle other general practice areas as well like wills, real estate, etc.

I like my job, and I like everyone I work with. I don't mind being there when I am there, and everyone is very nice to me (which was not what I had expected at all before I started) and willing to answer any questions I ever have.

I have a wonderful boyfriend, great friends, and a good relationship with my parents. When I try to think objectively about it, I really have nothing at all to complain about.

Yet, for some reason, when I get home from work I am in a horrible mood. It seems to hit me when I am driving home or right after I walk in the door. It is strange to me, because I don't feel like this when I am at work, and I have nothing to be angry about when I get home. My house isn't even messy. I just walk in the door and want to bite someone's head off or hide in my bed and be grumpy all night.

It was especially bad today. I had to be in court early, and ended up having to drive a client there with me. I had to work late, and had to go to a meeting tonight anyway for work, so I went straight through and ended up doing a 14 and a half hour day.

What is upsetting me right now is that I was very mean to people twice today. Total strangers. I'm not a mean person, I never have been, I always try to be as nice and polite as possible to people, especially when they are at work.

But today, I snapped at a teenage girl when I was buying my dinner. I felt horrible. I told her I was really sorry a few times and apologized for being so rude and told her I was completely out of line. But, the damage was already done. I could tell I made her feel really bad, and nothing I was going to say was going to fix that even though I tried.

Then later tonight I did it again, to another stranger that didn't deserve it. I just snapped at them, and then felt terrible for being so mean and again said I was sorry for being such a jerk.

Ever since I got home I've felt terrible. Like that sinky awful feeling you get inside when you do something you really are ashamed or embarrassed for doing. I really do have standards for how I will treat people, and today I was the kind of person I hate. I kind of want to beat MYSELF up.

I don't know if this is normal, even if it is I won't condone behaving this way.

Everyone I care about are very supportive, and they do a lot to make my life good and enjoyable. I appreciate them so much, and I know how lucky I am to have each of them in my life, and yet no amount of love or support has seemed to get me out of my after work slump.

I do take antidepressants, I have for years (law school sucked), and I did increase my dosage (after talking to my doctor of course) a few months ago. It doesn't seem to help with this. I almost hate to think how much worse it might be if I wasn't taking them.

What do you guys think? Do you have any opinions or ideas of how I could change this horrible mood I keep getting into?

[Wondergirl]

I think I know why. You don't dare snap at coworkers or clients, but allow yourself to relax around strangers who really don't matter and whom you won't see again, or with your family who will love you no matter what.

At work you are under control. Outside of work, you can be yourself and give in to anger or depression or frustration that had balled up inside you at work.

How to change? Try to reframe your outside situations positively. "Wow, I'm home. What a relief!" or "What a pleasure to be around people I don't know and who just want me to be kind to them."

[shygrneyzs]

One of my Psych professors called that, "kicking the dog." You are under pressure at work, stress, no way to relieve that, and once you leave the work behind (if you ever leave the work behind), there is this let down of emotions and control.

That is very natural, I want you to understand that. You are not a bad person for feeling that way. You recognize what you are doing and that is wonderful that you see it and want to nip it before it gets worse.

Have you seen your doctor lately? Gotten a very good full physical? Explain what is going on to him/her. You could do some simple things to help relieve that tension, but ask your doctor. How is your diet? Ask to be referred to a nutritionist about natural stress reducing foods and adapting your lifestyle to cope with the stress. What about vitamins and/or supplements? The Vitamin B complex is very good for combatting stress. Do you get time to go for a walk, or swim, or some exercise that can melt that tension out of your body? Treat yourself to a therapeutic massage once a week. Great for the mind and works wonders for the stress points in the body, like the shoulders and neck.

You're a smart woman and you have some great accomplishments already. Congratulations on your success so far and wishing you all the best for your bright future. Be good to yourself! Take care.

[J_9]

I can add only one idea to all of the wonderful advice you have already received. You say you are on meds and the dosage has been changed to no avail. Have you considered that you may have developed a tolerance to this particular med and that it may be time for a change?

[shygrneyzs]

Wants to agree with J_9 - you could very well have developed a tolerance for the medication, especially with the added stress. Things will work differently when our bodies are going through changes.