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sand32 · Jun 18, 2007, 05:00 PM

7 months ago I ran into my old boyfriend, who I haven't seen for 25 years. He was my boyfriend when I was 15-17 years old. At the time we broke up I when we were teenagers, he wanted it to be more serious and I, being only 17 was afraid of talking about
Getting married and so forth. I had heard about him a few times between then and now, I
Was told by a few people that even years later he asked about me and said he couldn't get
Me out of his mind. I too, thought about him a lot over the years, and regretted hastily
Breaking up with him. Well, the years go by, and I have been married (15 years) and
Divorced, he is on his 2nd marriage. His 1st marriage only lasted a few years, his current
Marriage is going on over 15 years now. I have also heard from several people that his
Current wife is very possessive of him and has a lot of problems, including threatening suicide, having 2 afairs (that he knows about) etc... Anyway, when I saw him again it was
Obvious that the feelings were still there for us both. When we hugged, neither one of us
Wanted to let go. As dramatic as this may sound, I actually felt like I found a missing piece of myself. We exchanged emails and have been in touch ever since. We have met
In person a few times during lunch and after work. We can talk for hours and be happy
Just holding each other. We talk about everything on email, from every day things, our kids, and how we feel about each other. Neither one of us knows what to do. I know this is obviously wrong, and hearing about and knowing people having affairs with married men, before this happened to me, my advise was always to just get out of it and stop it.
Having an affair with a married man is something that will only get people hurt. These things do happen, my best friend actually got back together with her old boyfriend from high school, while she was still married, she got divorced and married her old high school boyfriend, they have been married 17 years now. I feel like an idiot not, believing I would never let myself get into a situation like this. But it's here, it's happening and I don't know what to do. One thing I haven't mentioned yet is that I have been with the same man now for almost 6 years. We have a great relationship, and without him knowing it, I have screwed that up! The old boyfriend that I am, I guess I could say having an affair with has been talking about divorcing his wife, he says they have always had problems and he wants to be with me. I know I sound like the idiot, in love with a married man who realistically may never leave his wife. I would like advise please, mostly from people who have experienced the same thing, not just having an affair like this, but with an old love. Hopefully there is someone out there who can give me advise, good or bad and maybe share their experience. :confused:

rockerchick_682 · Jun 18, 2007, 05:36 PM

You're a not smart woman and a homewrecker! Are you freakin' serious? What do you expect people to say when you tell them you're dating a married man. He's freakin' married for a reason, no dating! Get a life come on, what? You can't find a single one?

JoeCanada76 · Jun 18, 2007, 05:53 PM

Like rockerchick has said. He is married and your in a relationship right now. He is off limits no matter how you feel. Now if he is truly series about wanting to be with you he will get a divorce first. If your series about him you will let your boyfriend of 6 years.

You need to know that the grass is not always greener on the other side. My advice is stay clear until you are honest with your boyfriend and until your old boyfriend has a divorce and finalized. Then you will be and he will be free to do anything. Right now, off limits.

Bounderies.

Joe

MishcaParker · Jun 18, 2007, 06:00 PM

:) I am still in love with my boyfriend from when I was 15 and always will be, because he was my first love! He was the first person who really knew how to make me feel special in soo many different ways and he too spooked me by talking marriage but I realise I am in love with the memory and my youth only. I can understand if your old boyfriends relationship is unhappy, the happy memories of you would be very appealing but the reality can be very different, not to say some people do not reunite with old loves with very successful relationships. I would suggest you seek a counsellor as it does not sound to me like you are in love, as you said from the first meeting neither of you wanted to release from the hug and you found "a missing piece", were you really as happy as you thought?

sand32 · Jun 18, 2007, 07:10 PM

Thanks for the advise, even the nasty 1 calling me a whore, I would have said the same thing 7 months ago if I replied to this question, it's much different when you are in the situation, but for MishcaParker & Jesushelper-a big thank you to both of you, I am going to take your advice, we have not been intimate with each other, so best to end it before anything does happen, your advice (from the last too that is LOL) made me really think. I'll keep checking for other opinions and maybe ask for more advice on this if I need it. I kept thinking that it was fate/destiny that we ran into each other again, but, I think now that if that was the case, we would have run into each other when he wasn't married & I wasn't in a relationship . Thanks all

talaniman · Jun 18, 2007, 07:46 PM

I kept thinking that it was fate/destiny that we ran into each other

Or a test of character, or mental heath of you both.

sand32 · Jun 18, 2007, 07:55 PM

I agree, and Thank you, I think that makes more sense !

rockerchick_682 · Jun 18, 2007, 09:27 PM

I'm sorry for my harsh answer, there's just been a lot of posts like this, it seems that way anyway. I don't know you, so what I said means nothing, but he's married, he's taken, get out while you can. Find someone who will commit to you fully, without someone else in the picture. Really I know it sucks to move one from someone you love, but it's for the best. You will find someone else that will add as much or more to your life as he did.

Constance Priestess · Jun 18, 2007, 10:23 PM

Hi,

I can empathise with you given it must be harder to have "had and lost" your first love, than to have let it go. However, that is indeed in the past and both of you had moved on to other choices in life in between all these years.

We all make choices in life and we have to stand by them - no matter what comes up. In that vein, any choice you make right now will lead to different outcomes and you have to stand by them. Love is a beautiful thing when it's pure and natural. The fact is that he's married and he still is no matter what external factors are governing it e.g. unreasonable wife, etc.

Excuses are not hard to find if we need them to justify our actions. Be honest with yourself - do you think you deserve a man who's not completely yours to hold, love and cherish? I'm not being old fashioned but just want you throw the light from a different angle.

And also, there are kids involved here. Yes, kids today are resilient but as adults, it is our responsibility to rise above our own wants and to look outside of the tiny circle.

Take some time away from this issue, take care of yourself and most of all, be kind to yourself.

LuvMyMaltipoo · Jun 18, 2007, 10:36 PM

Just remember that things when you were 17 were a lot easier than they are now. Of course you only remember what a great guy he was, you were 17 then... I can assure you that you've both changed and you shouldn't jump into this mess without realizing that. You guys are grown adults now, it is time to act like it.

Jiser · Jun 19, 2007, 01:22 AM

You have both changed in all these years, common get a grip, it seems like some sort of school girl/boy fantasy. Those childhood years seem like magic, they always will to most of us, but do you risk your life now? For what.

Your in a happy relationship, don't risk it. It may be best now to have some alone time to reflect on what you want. Perhaps booking a trip away for a few weeks or days alone or with friends may help.

sand32 · Jun 19, 2007, 04:14 AM

Thanks all for the reality check. I really do have morals! And never thought in a million years I'd sneak behind my boyfriends back or worse yet see a married man. One of the posts said that it's easy to make excuses to justify this-and boy is that true. I'm really glad I asked this here-funny thing, the responses are exactly what I would have advised someone myself. And yes there are kids envolved, my kids, my boyfriend's and the married man's-most of them grown, but none the less, not something you want your kids to loose respect for you for! I think I've already done that to myself-so among other things I need to get that back. I won't be able to talk to the married man until Thursday, but I am prepared to tell him it's over-on the phone. Honestly it will be a little hard, I think I'll read these answers 1st !

destiny1981 · Jun 28, 2007, 05:43 AM

Hello sand32
I can feel exactly how your feeling cause not so long ago I was in the similar position you are. In love with my first love he was married with two kids. He told me he was unhappy with the marriage and his wife. He use to spend all his time with me as he wife lives out of the country. I had a boyfriend of 6yrs as well but thought I was exactly with man I love and never cared much about my boyfriend finding out. The married man made me feel special,wanted, he gave me all the attention he was my best friend and I actually thought he was going to leave his family for me.

I use to ask him when he was going to divorce his wife and the answer was he can't leave his children as he grew up in a single home. He can't do that to his kids.
I still stayed thinking he will leave her one day.

Then the reality hit me.. I fell pregnant with my first boyfriend.I told him and he told me to have an abortion. As he can't bare his wife finding out.
That's when I knew he was never going to her. All this didn't mean anything to him he was just having his cake and eating it.

I decided to keep the baby and told my boyfriend of 6yrs the truth about the baby and the affair.He was hurt but he forgave me and stayed with me.

As for the married man its over between us he still with his wife. The wife knew about us and the baby.but she stood by him.

So this is my advice from what I've learned from all this.
Run as fast as you can from this man. He's married he will never leave his family for you especially when kids are involve. If he was going to, he would have done it by now.
Yes he might be having problems with his wife but most married couples have problems.
Leave him before ist too late, yes he was your childhood sweetheart but that chance is gone now. His life is with his family now and yours is with your boyfriend.

You need to move on with your life learn to love your boyfriend of 6yrs. You need to tell him the truth cause he deserve to know all this.
U deep down have the answers to your question but sometimes we choose to ignore the truth.
The truth is, the married man is just enjoying the excitement and we tend to confuse that with love,he might be bored the hell out of his married and he's looking for a bit of excitement and now he's getting that with you.and when he's done with you there will be the next person and the next until he gets caught. Men lie and cheat all the time.

Stay away from him before its to late. Take care.

SeanB · Jun 28, 2007, 06:05 AM

Stay away from him. He's married, you'll end up making a huge mess of the situation for both of you. Take a step back, a deep breath and move on. You'll be with someone who completes you in good time. Everything happens for a reason, you just keep doing what's right and everything else will fall into place.

Kattalover · Jun 28, 2007, 06:11 AM

How does the old Spanish proverb go? "Take what you want and pay for it, says God."

The price for an affair with your old flame would most likely be your current relationship and possibly your relationship with your children as well. Are you willing to pay?

nicespringgirl · Jun 28, 2007, 06:22 AM

I think you need to quit now! Think rationally please!

candy girl · Jun 28, 2007, 06:36 AM

I was in a similar situation although my old love was from in our early twenties. We met a few years later. It was like something out of a romantic novel, it was valentines day, and I was picking my friends daughter up from school as my friend was ill, when a motor bike passed me, the motor bike did a u turn and on it was my ex who pulled out a valentine card for me. He was going to put it through my door, but since we where both married thought better of it. We met up the following day and chatted for hours, this baceame a regular occurrence purley plutonic for 9 months, as we had both got our families to think about. Then the relationship progressed I left my husband first and it took 14 months for him to leave his wife, we lived together for three years and have been married for 10 months, and have a beautiful 2 year old girl. Love will conquer all, you will go through rough patches but once you get the goal you will never look back. Until you meet the one you love when you look back you will relise that that was not love, go with your heart and be happy.

talaniman · Jun 28, 2007, 06:54 AM

as we had both got our families to think about. Then the relationship progressed I left my husband first and it took 14 months for him to leave his wife...

Candy girl, Just asking, not judging. Don't you think this plutonic 9 month friendship distracted you from putting all you could into your relationships, and was it plutonic still, as you waited those 14 months for him to leave his wife? Just curious as having been married 33 years, and been happy, know how much time and effort and commitment it takes to keep a marriage going, through all kinds of tribulation.

Blastoff · Jun 28, 2007, 10:29 AM

What you are going through is more common than you might think.

Here's a site with some research & discussion boards that might be of great help to you:

Lost and Found Lovers - Home Page

sand32 · Jun 29, 2007, 09:19 AM

Thanks, Like I said originally this happened with my best friend while she was married to her 1st husband, she said she knew her life was changed when she saw her old h.s. boyfriend again after all those years &she's been married to her old h.s.boyfriend now for over 17years. It's very confusing, I did stop seeing the married man, though we are still emailing and talking on the phone. He respects that I won't see him until the day ever comes when I am not with my boyfriend and he is divorced like he said he is going to be soon (I know that's what they all say) he hasn't tried to push it &he says that makes sense for us to stop meeting and seeing each other.At 1st we didn't communicate at all, then he called me after a few days and asked if I thought it would be OK if we just checked in with each other once in awhile. It was so nice to hear his voice, I agreed to that. I don't know if I made the right decisson to just be in touch on email/phone sometimes or if we should stop all communication, until and if ever I am not with my boyfriend and he is not married anymore. Like I originally said I never thought I'd do this to my boyfriend of 6years, so I sure the hell have to figure out some things about what I want and if my relationship with my boyfriend is the right thing, and he (married man) has to do that as well, we can't do that (figure things out) if we see each other so that' why we arn't-any comments on us still communicating--checking in with each other once in awhile? We do not discuss our relationship/marriage and how that is going as far as staying together or not-we agreed we can't think with clear heads on that as long as we talk about it to each other.