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Tallarin · Jun 15, 2007, 02:40 PM

Today, in the mail, a present arrived from the friend that with no explanation left my life 6 months ago and has not returned phone calls and emails for just as long. All contact has been business like.
It was something well thought out but not expensive. We live close enough that she could have dropped it off...
I had considered the friendship dead so this came completely out of the blue. The note that accompanied was simple...
Thoughts?

Fr_Chuck · Jun 15, 2007, 06:48 PM

They are sorry the friendship drifted apart, did not know how to say it and sent you the gift

letmetellu · Jun 15, 2007, 07:53 PM

My wife and I had a couple that were our friends for all the years that our children grew up together. My wife's birthday and his birthday were on following day of the same month, December, and we had always exchanged gifts and spent one of the evenings together, going to dinner and opening presents. On one occasion we delivered his present and no one was home, so we left it at the front door between the glass door and the front door. The next morning my wife got a call to come pick up the present, that they did not want to exchange gifts anymore, so she did. We did not hear anything from this couple for over fifteen years, Then one day they drove up to our summer home, got out of their car, We went outside to great them and didn't know what to say or how to act. They both hugged our necks and cried and acted like they loved us more than life. We are now the best of friends again and are enjoying our older years remembering the younger days.
Here is the Kicker. We still do not know what happened all of those years ago or why they returned to be our friends again but we are glad they did.

Dennis777 · Jun 15, 2007, 09:03 PM

Hello Tallarin

Look on the gift as a positive and send back a thank you note the person knows you didn't just through the gift away. Let the person respond before you push your way back in the friendship. Many times there is a good reason why the problem started and once its out in the open everything can be worked out.

Good Luck
Dennis777

Tallarin · Jun 15, 2007, 11:41 PM

Thank you all for your good advice... I really don't want to "push" myself back into the friendship. I'm afraid I'll just get hurt, again. I wish I could tell her how much her actions have hurt me over the past year (I just realized it's been almost a year, not six months, since she stopped talking to me), but she will not answer my phone calls. I had honestly given up on that friendship and now I'm just one confused puppy here in the good ole Southwest...

mckenzie134 · Jun 16, 2007, 12:15 AM

Originally Posted by letmetellu

My wife and I had a couple that were our friends for all the years that our children grew up together. My wife's birthday and his birthday were on following day of the same month, December, and we had always exchanged gifts and spent one of the evenings together, going to dinner and opening presents. On one occasion we delivered his present and no one was home, so we left it at the front door between the glass door and the front door. The next morning my wife got a call to come pick up the present, that they did not want to exchange gifts anymore, so she did. We did not hear anything from this couple for over fifteen years, Then one day they drove up to our summer home, got out of their car, We went outside to great them and didn't know what to say or how to act. They both hugged our necks and cried and acted like they loved us more than life. We are now the best of friends again and are enjoying our older years remembering the younger days.
Here is the Kicker. We still do not know what happened all of those years ago or why they returned to be our friends again but we are glad they did.

Did you not yet ask why?? I would really want to know. Surely you canask now time has passed...

chuff · Jun 17, 2007, 05:24 PM

I actually would ignore it. You tried and tried and tried some more to reach out to her. I think you have to recognize that this was a great relationship at one time in your life and it served it's purpose at that time. But the relationship ended despite your attempts to continue it. You've begun the process of moving on and now it is her that seems to be going backwards not forwards. I think it's time to just move accept it's over and move forward. I know that you want to be nice to her, but her gift or her friendship is not your concern anymore and you've tried enough to reach out to her.

Tallarin · Jun 18, 2007, 10:25 AM

Chuff hit the nail in the head as far as I'm concerned... a few months ago I would have made an attempt to another talk and would have immediately called to express my thanks... over the weekend I thought about it and realized that I don't have the time, energy or heart to deal with her anymore... it's sad because most folks don't know and they keep asking me stuff like if we were still a team...

Tallarin · Jun 20, 2007, 10:04 PM

UPDATE:
I got a phone call this afternoon saying "I've been thinking about you a lot", "I'll try calling you tomorrow"... luckily my phone was in the car...
I don't get it... the message I got loud and clear for the past 10 months has been, I don't want you in my life anymore, I have other friends and interests I need to catch up with... So I moved on... and now... confusion sets in again.
For months I have felt like I lost my sister and I was finally close to being done grieving... now it's like a ghost from the past... I've never in my life held a grudge against anyone who has hurt me (and believe me, both males and females have done a job on me), but this time, my heart and brain are just not up to it...
Should I tell her how much she hurt me or should I keep ignoring her... she sure ignored my calls/emails for the longest time... I don't believe in tit for tat... but... my heart (usually worn on the sleeve) has developed a kevlar coating...
Am I being irrational? I know that the type of friendship we had is dead, because I'll always wonder when she'll blow me off next, but is it worth talking things out? I don't think she realizes the damage she has done to my belief in frienships and trust...

chuff · Jun 21, 2007, 03:32 AM

I'd continue ignoring her. Now that she's pushing the isssue I get the impression she has an ulterior motive, what that might be I have no idea, but somethng doesn't add up. It's really strange behavior and what ever she wans or needs from you isn't worth the time. You gave her time. She never had any of it for you, so you moved on. That's not your problem or fault that she thought she could treat you like that and then come back into your life. It would have been one thing if she said, "I'm going through a difficult time in my life and I just need to take some time for myself." But she didn't. In fact she was stand offish at times so why you should be available for that I don't know. If she makes calling a habit then on the 5th call I might answer it and tell her "I"m really busy at the moment but I have your number in my caller id now that you've called, and I'll call you back later when I have a free moment." Then don't call back.

chuff · Jun 21, 2007, 08:50 AM

"Kattalover disagrees: I think Tallarin needs to be honest with her and let her know how her behavior in the past has hurt him. Talking to her will give them both a chance to learn something. Ignoring her would just be payback, and it would be immature, IMHO."

First of all Tallarin is a her not a him.

Second, Tallarin's issue with her friend goes back months. I have advised Tallarin through out the situation as opposed to reading one thread and assuming I knew the whole story.

Third, it is not payback in anyway because Tallarin tried and tried, and then tried some more (that was actually covered in this thread and agreed upon by Tallarin herself, perhaps you should read those posts as well) to reach out to her friend while being shunned for several months with no explanation despite many attempts at one. After Tallarin finally let go and moved forward (also covered in this very thread, I guess you missed that too) only then did her friend decide to enter back into her life.

I stand behind my advice and my view that something is not right and it's not worth the time or emotional investment for somebody that gave up on Tallarin months ago to get back into that friendship over a gift and a phone call. Tallarin's friend had not one, but COUNTLESS opportunities to tell her what was wrong or tell her she need time alone (Damn, that was also covered in this thread... in fact the very exact post you disagree with) she chose not to.

I agree with you about learning something though, I think they both have learned something.. Tallarin is a friend when in need, and the other girl is in need of a friend.

Tallarin · Jun 21, 2007, 01:36 PM

Thanks Chuff... you summed it all up quite nicely.
Yes, my friend was going through a really rough time and I was "her rock" (her words, not mine), cheerleader, goofy side kick, you name it. Then without explanation she stopped talking to me unless she absolutely had to, it hurt like... well you know.
After months of wondering, I had made a decision to stop caring... and then... voilà... yes, something must be going on, but honestly, it's not my problem anymore... in my book of life, lose my trust and your are pretty much toast...

letmetellu · Jan 7, 2008, 08:25 PM

Originally Posted by Tallarin

UPDATE:
I got a phone call this afternoon saying "I've been thinking about you a lot", "I'll try calling you tomorrow"... luckily my phone was in the car...
I don't get it... the message I got loud and clear for the past 10 months has been, I don't want you in my life anymore, I have other friends and interests I need to catch up with... So I moved on... and now... confusion sets in again.
For months I have felt like I lost my sister and I was finally close to being done grieving... now it's like a ghost from the past... I've never in my life held a grudge against anyone who has hurt me (and believe me, both males and females have done a job on me), but this time, my heart and brain are just not up to it...
Should I tell her how much she hurt me or should I keep ignoring her.... she sure ignored my calls/emails for the longest time... I don't believe in tit for tat... but... my heart (usually worn on the sleeve) has developed a kevlar coating...
Am I being irrational? I know that the type of friendship we had is dead, because I'll always wonder when she'll blow me off next, but is it worth talking things out? I don't think she realizes the damage she has done to my belief in frienships and trust...

If you want to have this person as a friend even if it is not as close as it was, be the bigger person and bite your tongue and let her be your friend if she wants to be. A person can never have too many.