[Loriz]

OK, so I'm not a vengeful person, and I really try to look at a situation from all sides... but my sides are running out any advise?
Here's the scenario, this female, with a child, has taken a serious liking to my husband. For about the last 6 months I have patiently watched this person manipulate herself into our life, she's made it a point to know (impose herself on) our friends, she gives my husband gifts (that she can't afford) when we try to delete her from our life, she'll call him crying, her daughter is sick, or she's sick. She doesn't own a vehicle, we have 4, she has a mother 200 miles away, who is dying (according to her). She moved away 2 months ago to be with her family, and moved right back. She asked my husband not to let me know she was in town. And she made it clear that she moved back here to be near him. She tries to constantly see him and work him through self pity. She is on SSI, for mental reasons, (and I'm sorry if that offends anyone) I'm just trying to give you a clear picture of what I'm dealing with. She steals his clothes, thinking he'll come over. She calls here constantly and hangs up. She calls our friends looking for him. Now, for awhile, before she "left", I really tried to make some sort of connection with her (keep your enemies closer) And she took it as a game, thinking in her mind that would gain points with my hubby. He feels stuck, and as big hearted as he is, he won't turn his back on her, (probably afraid to, like me) Sorry I know this is really long and I could probably write a book on this fatal attraction. Help!
Am I crazy or jealous? I don't think so. Just out of ideas.

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Loriz :(

[keenu]

Hey, I think you have been more than understanding. If you are OK with this situation I would say continue on in the fashion that you have been. If you are tired of it, ready for it to end, then I would say that your husband MUST tell this woman to go take a hike. It looks as if he doesn't want to do this from what you have said. I would wonder about that. He surely isn't "afraid" to. There may be other issues here. (I don't care HOW well you know your husband... you can NEVER really know anyone, keep that in mind) I would put my foot down and put her out of the picture. Otherwise you are inviting her in. I wouldn't worry about being mean or anything like that. Your life is your life and her life is her life. She can't come into your life if you don't open the door. I would close it and lock it.
Interesting!
Good luck
Patty

[lickemlolly]

OK here is what you need to do because this is out of hand... your husband has no ties to this person whatsoever so guess what he needs to CUT HER OFF... he is only fueling her to keep contacting him because he entertains her he is giving her a reason to keep talking to him because he is talking to her... tell him to make it clear... I don't care what is going on in her life!! that is your husband and you come first... period... and if he can't do that then you guys need to reevaluate the priorities in the rship... he married you for a reason he should be willing to do anything to keep you happy so long as it is not unreasonable and this my dear is not... its causing uneeded stress

[artistall]

This situation is more complex than it seems on the surface. It has gone on for so long now that it has become more like "Sticky Paper" in as the more you try to get off the stickier it gets! The center of the problem is that this woman as you say is on SSI due to a mental condition. This may come into play as part of the solution to the problem! It would be a good idea at this point to find out exactly what her mental condition is so that you don't inadvertently agitate a hornets nest. Is she Obsessive Compulsive, Attention Deficit Disorder, Psycotic, Shcizophrenic, Psycho-neurotic? Is she taking medications? I don't want to hear about you on the ten o'clock news!! I wouldn't consider cutting her off cold turkey until you had some idea of the woman's emotional disorder! Truly if she is "Stealing" your husbands clothes there must be some type of neurosis going on and possibly due to a phobia of some sort. My advice is that you have a strong and sincere conversation with your husband regarding your concerns and that both you and your husband also have a direct and straightforward discussion with this woman. Ask her right out to answer you're questions as to why she is doing these things and what her emotional problems are. Explain that her behavior is unacceptable as well as causing discord and discomfort in your marriage. It also might be a good idea to consult with a counselor or clinical psychologist from a mental health agency that offers free advice. I'm hoping that you can resolve the problem without law enforcement. The woman obviously needs help! Keep in touch and good luck!

[shenda]

I am involved in the same situation, I have a SSI extension to my family life; I have taken the liberty to help her identify a need for personal companionship; We have established boundaries, that remain in force. We do not sway from our set boundaries, except in extreme emergencies. I have come to understand that she does not always process her actions as intrusions, so I have to remind her of what is acceptable. We embrace her, with the same consideration we would desire to rec'v. However, when I got to the heart of the matter, I knew that it was an insecurity in me. I share my husband with so many people, he is well-loved and sought after which sometimes reduce the amount of quality we spend together. I had to learn to release him because they needed him and he needed them, especially knowing that he has always been there for me when I truly needed him. We must know why certain situations bother us at its root level, in order not to distort any given relationship. It became easier to embrace her, understanding the role my husband played in her life. For years, she denied her need for personal companionship; however, life had a way to awaken her to her own reality.

[Loriz]

Well it has been a few months and someone finally dropped a huge brick on my husbands head! He is finally seeing what this deviant little cuss has been doing, not just to our family, but to him. I had to remove myself from the situation (for my own sanity)
She plays the poor me or she sets up scenarios and steps in, out of no where, so she can save the day! Then she looks like the hero in his eyes. Now I know there is a name for this because there have been cases of Firefighters (no disrespect, my husband is a firefighter) who start fires and call them in (so they look like the hero) That was how I was able to help him see what she was doing. (I think I saw a light go off in there)
But I didn't want to be the finger pointer, so I decided to pack his things and told him I can't do this - I don't know what the prize is but you win!
That very next day a funny thing happened, apparently she has neighbors with nothing better to do (you know the type) She had the sheriff at her house for H&S and for not caring for her little girl properly. There was that window of opportunity for him to see she is no saint. Not that I wish any harm on a child, ever. She instantly blames me for that one! I may be a lot of things but not a cop caller! Then she came crying to me to keep her child for a few days. I told her she needs to face this head on (if she's not doing anything wrong) there should be no problem. What a ride! I certainly feel for this person. She has problems. And that's when he saw a different side and he started backing up-alot! I'm now waiting for her to pull something, cause I know she's not going to just let him walk out of the picture. She's been feeding her fantasy much too long. And I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried about her. I also think it would be foolish for us to not keep an eye on her, for awhile.
Now you wonderful people give me some insight. I thank you all so much for your replies. Even for the conformation that -no I'm not imagining things and yes I am justified in feeling the way I do. It gave me the strenth to take that next step forward. From the bottom of my heart--thanks

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:confused: Loriz

[rkim291968]

Wow, Loriz. You are an understanding woman. It sounds like you and your husband are dealing with mentally unstable person and may have to rely on legal system to keep her away.

[fredg]

Hi,
You and your husband need to stop have any contact with her; period.
Your husband has to "grow up", and realize this relationship with her and the child has to stop now!
If you think you need protection, or feel for your safety, go to a court, and get a restraining order against her.
Best wishes,
fredg