[Love50818]

This is regarding the end of my 4 year relationship. My ex and I, have now been broken up for a few months now. We broke up out of the blue, he said he needed a break and left my house crying. I never heard from him until a week later, and he said he no longer loved me, and has not for 2 years. He also said he did not see my in his future, and I needed to "get over it". We have broken up twice in the past for one day, silly fights led to breaking up, and by the end of the day we would be fine. I thought it was one of those times. I did not call. Weeks past, finally I tried to call after a while, and he just ignored my calls. This hurt a lot. There were numerous fights. Between the both of us, mostly me trying to understand what went wrong, and him being very hurtful telling me he no longer cared, he just needed to "get out", he has changed, and I have not. There were many many fights, usually him calling me a , although I was trying to act civil. I did date someone a few times, and he found out, and casually asked him about me, and told me he did not care I was dating other people. One night we were drinking and bumped into each other and slept together ( big mistake), he cried for abut 2 hours after and would not tell me why, he left crying. I thought maybe he missed me. I asked him the next day and he told me, he just felt sorry for me. WE did not speak for a while. Occasionally when we did he always very mean, by putting me down with certain comments. When I would defend myself he would act like it was a joke, or act like I was overreacting. So here's the kicker. For a while, I thought maybe he was seeing someone else, because it would make sense. MOst of the time, when we don't talk for weeks, he will talk to me, but I talk to him a lot also, just saying hi, how are you. Small conversations. He looked like he had lost about 30 pounds in 3 months. He is not too big, so this was a little odd. He has also been into smoking pot, and has tried other drugs, he admitted to "trying" cocaine, BTU I am nervous he is doing is heavily because of the weight loss. I do miss him, I am worried about him also if he is doing drugs. I just don't know what to do to get him back, I mean I thought we did have a good relationship, I did not see anything wrong but I guess he was unhappy. Is there anything I can do? I do love him deeply.

[Wildcat21]

You're not going to like this...

Personaly - you are much better off without him. He is an abusive jerk and a druggie. Very attractive! - he verbal abuses you and he tortures his own body - brilliant!

I advise seeing a therapist. This guy is NO GOOD for oyur life. All these mind games as well.

You have the bad boy/abusive jerk syndrom. You're attracteds to massive losers who treat YOU like hell. These guys act all nice at times AND you think you can fix them because they put on this 'nice guy' act for short periods. BUT, this guy has massive problems mentally and will ALWAYS hurt you and leave... BUT the yALWAYS will come back one day.

I am sure it's also the hot steamy sex. These guys do not emotionally get involved so the sex is really crazy. He USES YOU!!

Go see a therapist, stay away from this guy. Some one new will lcome into your life.

[Wildcat21]

Crying for 2 hours after sex?? This guy is really screwed up - he feels sorry FOR HIMSELF - he knows he doesn't deserve you!!

[Love50818]

I actually spoke to him last night, casual conversation, he asked if I was dating anyone. I said yes on and off. And he went to ask me about work, I told him I was workign full time but also looking into cocktail waitressing as a respectable place. He said " I am dating someone who is a cocktail waitress", and I casually said " oh really?", and he said " no I am jsut kiddig". I didn't udnerstnad that. Also he asked about a vacation and who I was going with. I said " oh jsut some friends" , and he blurted out " well you can tell me if its with your new bf , we can talk abotu it, it dosent bother me, i don't care". Does this mean he is over me. He seems to be, he doesn't seem upset that I am dating.

[Wildcat21]

Oh, he cares. He is just the abusvie jerk - he may come flying back at you in a couple days mad about this. He is trying to be cool about it.

He is being abusive by toying with you about dating a cocktail waitress. That's not right. You should comand more respect from him.

And he is trying gget info from you.

I advise not answering his calls. He does want you back - but he brings massive heartache, drama, and games.

[Love50818]

I have the feeling he has a new girlfreind. I just have this feeling its some girl him and his friends used to hang out with. I mean I don't know her I know she is into drugs also but likes same things he does. Maybe that is why he does not care that I am dating. I mean I don't know at all, no one has told me, he's online at night all the time and stuff, but I think they are an hour apart. I just have that gut feeling. I think she is algo going with him and his friends to a 3 day music festival and they will spend a lot of time together. I don't thnk I could ever be with him again because of the mean things he said to me, and was very hurtful and immature but its just hard to know he might have a new girlfreind you know. I haven ttlaked to him in a few days, and I am not going to at all, I doubt he will call me, he hardly ever does.

[Wildcat21]

Well, I think you are better off without. You seem like a smart lady. Move on - be care to steer clear of guys like this. They only create heartache. She they are exciting and fun at first - then they pull crap this on you.

The bad boy/abusive jerk you need to get out of your system. Once they have you hooked, they will treat you like crap.

[Debra Jill]

Wildcat gave some good advice.
Psychologists would say that a woman/girl who tolerates someone abusive, will generally come from a familiy where the father was either abusive to the mother, to the children, both, or was an absent parent altogether. Is this the case with you? If so, you were taught that this is acceptable behaviour, because if you came from a family where your father respected your mother, your boyfriend's behaviour would be totally unacceptable. What man would "respect" a woman who was willing to put up with his abuse? The more you are willing to take his crap, the more he'll crap on you and the less he'll respect you for being so weak.
An even bigger problem is that you are most likely going to continue to attract the same kind of guy. I have a question for you... what would you do if you had a daughter whose boyfriend was calling her a , etc. Would you say, "way to go dear, I think you should marry him!" or would you say, "he's an idiot, you deserve much better!" What you need to ask yourself is this... Why would you accept an abusive relationship for you but not allow it for someone else? An even bigger problem would be to marry someone like him. You'd be really naïve to think he wouldn't be just as abusive to your children.
I'd just say a little prayer to God, asking him to do whatever it takes to keep this guy out of your life.

Also, I'd like to recommend a book (paperback). It's called "Are you the one for me?" and is written by Dr. Barbara De Angelis. I know you would find it very helpful.
P.S. In my opinion he's doing more cocaine than he's admitting to and has probably got himself another sucker to put up with his abuse. Let it be HER problem.
Good Luck

[Wildcat21]

Great post Debra Jill - I agree with everything you said. I was trying to say that - but your perspective is much better.

I dated a woman who kept saying - "I don't normally date guys like you" - I couldn't understand wha tshe was saying... and she left me.

Turns out she was USED to being verbally abused by her mother and father - two actually very smart people - but alcoholics. Both of her parentswere Doctors.

She couldn't handle me being nice and talking clean. I could totally tell she wanted to fire back at me at times as well.

There are MANY people out there who are used to verbal abuse - they don't know any better. It's a HUGE problem in the USA and no one does anything about it.

It's terrible on the self-esteem. TERRIBLE.

Someone woman twant to be treated badly because they don't know any better - there ARE good people out there - unfortunately the abused need to go to therapy.

[turtlegirl]

Big aha moment! Thanks, Wildcat. "These guys do not get emotionally involved" and that's why it's hot and steamy. Everything is so much clearer now. Bummer, man. So you can't have that with someone who cares about you? Shucks. :(

[Wildcat21]

Funny - hahaha - of course you can, with the right person.

This gals problem is being attracted to abusive jerks that use her.

Actually - most of these guys don't care about the woman - it's wam-bam-thank-you-mamam - and they are gone.

A lot of younger gals don't even know what a proper lover is. How the man should please the woman. The jerk/bad boys could care less about a pleasing a woman.

[Debra Jill]

Turtlegirl, of course you can have that kind of "lust" with someone who is crazy about you! You are either very young or very unlucky, and I'm guessing young.

Look, if you go out with a guy and he takes his time with you, really WANTS to get to know you, he's showing you respect. Respect is the foundation of a healthy, and possibly long-term relationship because without that, what do you have? NOT MUCH.

If a guy wants to take you out to dinner, to a dance club, in other words, somewhere public, then drives you home and gives you a kiss goodbye, I consider that a gentleman-like approach. That doesn't mean that his hormones aren't raging, it just means he respects you enough to contain himself for a bit first. If a guy wants to get laid just for the sake of getting laid he's going to be all over you on the first date because he has one thing on his mind, and it isn't from the neck up!! Don't be flattered.

If a girl/woman respects herself, she'll choose a man with a slower, less aggressive approach. I'm not talking, pardon the pun, at a "turtle's pace", I'm talking a couple of dates.

Funny, my girlfriend's used to cry on my shoulder because all the guys they dated would quickly dump them. They'd say "why do you always get and keep the guys?" and I'd say "because I don't sleep with them right off the bat!" My Mom gave me some good advice. She'd say "keep some mystery in the relationship. Don't tell your life's story on the first date!" and that advice has worked very well for me.

If a guy wants to jump your bones, push his hands away EVEN IF YOU WANT IT. If he calls again, he's into you. If he doesn't call again, he just wanted in you!!

Lastly,
Sometimes a beautiful woman in a one piece bathing suit can be even sexier than wearing a bikini (or nothing at all for that matter). Much of that is because there is an element of mystery there.

Seems these days there are more and more girl's who will jump from bed to bed only to end up lonely. Don't be one of them and you'll inevitably hook up with a perfect match. So yes, you CAN have it all.

You dictate how a person is going to treat you. Not the other way around. Good Luck and keep smart!

[Wildcat21]

WOW!! Quality post!! Awesome!!

Debra Jill - will you marry me? Ha!

Seriously - all woman should read that. It would end a lot of heartache.

[turtlegirl]

Thanks guys, but I'm 34. The only hot and steamy I've really ever had is this thing I have going with a guy that was really just a sex thing/fling. My problem is now it's been a year and I feel like I want more or I want out. I don't want to marry him or anything, I just don't feel respected. It's because of what I've created here, I know that. The advice you gave is totally what I've followed except in this one case. (And look where that got me!) I guess I'm not really sure what I want out of it at this point. Seeing him doesn't keep me from going out with my friends, or even other guys. I went through most of my 20's being celibate NOT by choice and I don't want to do that again, so I hate to give up my 'connection.' Especially since it will make it that much easier NOT to give it up to soon to someone I really like. Does any of this make sense? You guys seem to know what you're talking about. Yes, very unlucky in love.

[Wildcat21]

Well, what you have here is 'friends with benefits'. It's for the sex.

No commitment, no dating, no I love you's, no caring, kind of hang out, no caring you date other people.

Why would you want more?

Your using him for sex as well. This is a sex fling that may have gone on too long. A sex affair.

I think you need to find a guy who you can actually get a little ROMANCE! Maybe intamacy! More FOUR PLAY! Better pillow talk! Things woman NEED!!

Emotionless sex can only go on so long.

I don't believe this guy wants to give that to you. He loves the older woman for sex... but, again, you boy toy pines for the 21 year old.

[Debra Jill]

Hi,
Does this make sense to me? Sure it does. The so called relationship you have with this guy is multi-purposed. For one thing, more than the sex itself, he makes you feel "desired," that's a powerful thing. So when you feel lonely, you know you're truly not alone as long as he's waiting in the wings.

Just as you know you are out there willing and ready to date others, you know he's doing the same thing, so that kind of turns the "desired" I referred to earlier, to "desire's you when he's horny," which really nullify's a relationship of any real substance. I'm not coming down hard on the guy, you reciprocate in the same way and it works for both of you; you're adults, do what you want. What I'm getting at is a fulfilling relationship. How you feel about yourself usually draws that kind of man to you. If you feel like you are an average girl looking for anything, you'll get that. If you have confidence, know you have a lot to give, take care of yourself, keep yourself educated and interesting, then you'll attract the same qualities in a partner.

If you really wanted to make more of this relationship, you'd be more passionate about it, but you seem to be more like "sitting on the fence" about it. Kind of shrugging your shoulders saying you might want more or you want out.

I'm glad you are going out with friends and living your life. At 34 you aren't going to be very successful doing the "bar thing" (don't you love my quotes! :p ) because that atmosphere just isn't condusive to someone your age. You might want to try on-line dating but BE SAFE about it.

I wish every woman over the age of 17 would read that book I recommended to another on-liner, ' ARE YOU THE ONE FOR ME?' by Doctor Barbara (something or other). Even if someone is in a good relationship they should read it because it's simply a very good read.

Have any of you watched Oprah where she has a guy on her show that used to be a player but is now happily married and has since written a book called "HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU?" - It amazes me how many women in the audience don't see when a guy is using them as a stepping stone for something bigger and better. This author is so blunt, so matter-of-fact but at the same time, tactful. He's a tell-it-like-it-is kind of guy whose message is "ladies, get your heads' out of the sand!" - I guess women make the same kind of mistakes because we are born nurturers. We have that nurturing instinct and we want to fix all, cure all, and make all better, but all the while accepting the least for ourselves. It's great using those instincts on a child, but it inevitably breaks our hearts when applied to relationships.

Thanks for your proposal WILDCAT21 but I'm already married. I did it right the second time around, guess that's why I seem to know so much about mistakes and how to make them right! ;)

[Wildcat21]

Gosh Debra, You make so many great points here about woman today. We should write a book together. I am the master of the 'Nice Guy' syndrom that 98% of the guys fall into.

This whole 'friends with benefits' erea created what happened to turtlegirl. I don't necessarily agree with it - I have done it. But, I need more to have sex with a woman. Usually some one needs more and the other person doesn't want more. Sure I've had one nighters, but, as you said I don't get emotionally involved with those gals. Woman need 1 nghters - but I agree, woman shouldn't keep making gthe same mistkes and falling in the sack with a guy the first time they meet - it rarely ever works.

There is an article in this months Mens Health were a woman writes about dating and how woman should wait to jump in the sack with a guy. You really should get to know them first - maybe he is a real creep or even married.

I do know the ends and outs of on-line dating because my friends and I have tried it out. There are lot of pitfalls - just meet in a safe place you are comfortable with - ask questions before meeting, find out where they work.

Bummer Debra Jill - you're married? I've made so many mistakes myself. Lost my current gal for a few months because of mistakes - I learned fast and luckily she took me back. I did have to improve myself and learn how relationships work. I am sure more guard and different barriers the second time around - I know I have more.

[turtlegirl]

You're right. I'm on the fence. I think I'll feel better if I just make a choice one way or the other, so the choice is, when he calls I'm not picking up. He'll keep calling, this I know, because I decided to stop seeing him before and he kept calling me for a month until I picked up and told him that I didn't like how he made me feel. He apologized, then called back to apologize again, and then we fell into the pattern we're in now. I don't think I'm hurting myself or missing out on anything due to seeing him, but sometimes I feel like I'm sending the universe the wrong message or creating a negative or inaccurate energy about myself because this whole situation is so different from how I usually think or behave. At first I prided myself on doing something different or new or not being so serious like I always am, but I don't really feel that now. I am worth so much more than he is willing or able to give and I don't think he even knows it. I just never seem to meet anyone of quality and -- sorry -- I don't want to go for years without sex again. (And seriously he was the ONLY person I ever had sex with on the first date, probably because I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere. And the 21-year-old he's pining for, he says he's always gone out with older women.) But for now, no picking up the phone.
:( This face looks just like I feel. Where do YOU meet people?

[Wildcat21]

Where to you live? Haha

" so the choice is, when he calls I'm not picking up." - I DO think you would feel much better. It's also sounds like you have lost control/power in this. I think he fills one void - but to me, there is the void of intamcy, sharing, friendship, true lover etc. that has to be missing.

I kind of like the Yahoo personals. Are you willing to post a picture? I didn't like Match - thought all the woman were desperate OR wante to marry immeditately.

Here in Chicago we have the first Tuesday Or is Thursday at the Museum of comtemparary art where singles go to have beer and wine and chat about art or other things. I know a lot of people who met that special someone.

Work.

Grocery store.

Through friends.

Singles trips.

Bars - I don't think 34 is too old at all for bars - just the right ones AND watch the liquor. Hell I still go bars - not to meet woman right now, but still go and I am older.

Just my thoughts.

[turtlegirl]

Ah, Chicago. I really feel like I could meet people easy in a city. I would do the online thing with a picture if I lived in a big city, but I live in a small town and people sometimes go on those sites just to see who's on there that they can make fun of. There's not much going on -- actually there are articles in the paper about how there's been an exodus of people 25-35 in the area. I tried eharmony twice. I tried 8 minute dating. There's no one around here. I'm going to try to hang out in some of the closer cities this summer, Providence, New Haven. This is maddening. Oh well, the rest of my life is really good.
So how did you get so good at all this advice? And when is your book coming out? :)