[phil198125]

Hi Everyone

Hope someone can give me some advice.

I split up with my ex 5 years ago. We were together for 3 years and lived together for 2 of them.

We used to run a business together and work ended up ruining our relationship. We spent al our time working and never made anytime for ourselves. The last 6 months together was spent arguing. It got so bad that I felt I had to leave. It was the worst mistake of my life.

I met someone else on the rebound. Which was good at first. Turns out she was only after my money. By the time I got to know her properly it was too late. 4 months after we met she told me she was pregnant (Told me she was using contraceptive injection, so I didn't use a condom). I felt obliged to stay with her, do the honorable thing. We were together until the baby was 1. I left her because I was so miserable. All the time I was with her I couldn't stop thinking about the fabulous woman I had left.

There have been a few other women since then.

But I still think about my ex all the time, even dream about her and the fabulous times we had together.

We haven't spoke since we split up, I have only bumped into her once in the past 5 years. That was about 6 months ago. She was in a local shopping precinct with her parents. She said hello and that was that.

I'm seriously thinking about contacting her and letting her know how I feel. I don't know how to go about it though. Or even if it's a good idea. It's been so long.

PLEASE HELP

[diya]

Usually it's never the same once you've broken up but in your case it's been so long, I foresee no harm in contacting her once and say what you would like to say... atleast that would give you some kind of satisfaction. However be mentally prepared to hear that she had already moved on to another guy... don't let that hamper your spirits... u too move on if she says this.. then don't hang in there begging and stuff.. that would be another mistake you'd make... hope that sounds awright... good luck

[phil198125]

Thanks Diya. How would you go about it though? Don't know where she is living at the moment and haven't got her phone number. I could probably find her address on electoral roll but feel really awkward turning up on her doorstep after we haven't spoken for so long. Not sure what to say, hard to know where to begin.

[emopunk7]

Sounds like fun! Go for it! But be ready for good or bad results!

[phil198125]

Just found her address on electoral roll. Only round the corner from me. 2 minutes in car. No phone number listed though :( On a plus note no one else registered as living there either :) Looks like she may be single. Still don't know whether to go through with it though. Not got a clue what to say.

[mckenzie134]

You go around there and you say its been a long time but Id love to know how yourve beem.

Its been such a long toime you don't want any heavy stuff just some light conversation a new beginning. Don't waste another day wondering should I should I not.

Tonight is the night, yourve already wasted 5 years, everyday longer is another day gone. The sooner you find out what is going to happen the sooner you can either plan a life with her or opve on with your own life.

Don't wait do this now, the more you keep thinking the longer this will take.

Do it tonight, turn up ring the bell and say Hi, its been a lkong time.

Let us know how you go

[Gem07]

Oooh, this is so romantic! I love it! Since you don't know where this is going to go, give it your all. Show up with her favorite flowers. Give her a card or letter. Invite her to dinner on Saturday night to her favorite type of restaurant.

Personally, I don't think there's any reason to go into all the old stuff right at that moment. Showing up and wanting to see her again will let her know what's up. Of course, if she says no due to a boyfriend/fiance', you can express yourself. (Engagements can be broken!) If she's married, I'd say good-bye and chalk it up to experience. Remember that there are other fish in the sea.

Hmm, on second thought, maybe you shouldn't show up with flowers/cards/candy. It might be too overwhelming. Just ask her if she'd like to go out with you. If she says yes, then you can bombard her with gifts!

Please note that she'll be very cautious. You hurt her once, and you can hurt her again! That's what she'll be thinking.

Please let us know how this goes! I'm hoping for a happily ever after kind of ending!

[phil198125]

Hi Everyone

Thanks for all the great advice. Thought I'd give everyone an update.

I chickened out on going around to here house. After 5 years of NC I thought she might be a little spooked. She may even be with someone and I don't want to cause her any trouble.

Today I sent her a note. Nothing soppy. Just asked how she was doing and that I still thought about her a lot. Said I'd love to know how she's doing and maybe we could go for lunch sometime. Said I look forward to hearing from her but understand if I don't. Left my mobile number at the bottom.

Really hope she calls but not got a clue what I'll say when she does.

I'll keep you updated. Fingers crossed.

[dreamguy]

Since you were the dumper I think it is your job to swallow your pride, track her down, and pound on her front door saying "I made the biggest mistake of my life leaving you. I'm sorry. I want you back. Please take me back." Yes beg her if you have to.

The rules are different for you since you were the one who did the dumping. Dumpers can beg but dumpees should not.

If you want her back then own up to your mistake and swallow your pride. My ex was the dumper and I'm sitting here assuming that if she really wants to reconcile she will come pounding on my front door.

I just don't get why you are hesitant and don't know what to say and how to approach her if you really want her back. We preach all the time on this board that if dumpers want to come back then neither hell nor highwater will stop them from tracking their dumpees down.

[emopunk7]

Go get her!

[dreamguy]

Also don't be surprised if she says she needs time to think about it. She may want to stay apart for another 5 years. Do you want her back enough to wait for her?

[Balloons33]

Definitely contact her and let her know how you feel.. but you have to respect her if she needs you to back off. Especially if she is seeing someone else. NOT to expect a let down... because I think she will find it romantic and want you back! I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. ;)

[Braden23]

Five years is a long time not to talk to someone and there is no telling what has happened since then. On the plus side, any bitterness, anger, or hurt that may have been caused by the breakup has likely had time to dissolve; on the other hand, so have the feelings of love, affection, etc. I would say that you have to consider what could happen and decide whether it's worth it. There is the possibility that she will want to get back together with you, and contacting her may turn out to be the best decision of your life. On the other hand, she may have moved on and you may be disappointed. If you feel that it is worth the risk of getting hurt and being disappointed, and that the possibility of reuniting with her outweighs that risk, then go for it. Hope it goes well for you.

[Tootruetooblue]

I think the way you handled it was great. You took the first step without getting too carried away. If she agrees to go to lunch, you can tell her that you have regretted your decision and want to apologize for the hurt you caused her. Let her know that you know your subsequent actions (having a baby with and marrying someone else) hurt her further, and that you wanted to just let her know that you are very sorry.

Then leave it at that. If she wants to be with you she will give you some indication that she's willing to give it another try. If not, she will have received an apology for a hard time in her life which most divorced people want and never get. I would not immediately go into how you want her back and want to be remarried and all that because she has not had the chance to think through this yet. Let things simmer.

[dreamguy]

I still think he should cut to the chase once he makes contact with her regardless of how long it's been since the breakup. I don't care if it has been 30 years. I think it's rather inconsiderate for dumpers to contact their dumpees unless they make it clear that they want reconciliation. Why? Because the contact will likely confuse her and mess with her mind. She's obviously going to want to know what your agenda is behind calling her. She's going to feel like you are stringing her along.

Seriously since I'm the dumpee and if one of my female dumpers contacted me after 5 years I would want to know what her agenda is. If she wants me back then she should say so and don't beat around the bush. Don't just give me subtle hints otherwise I'm going to assume that you are stringing me along.

[mckenzie134]

If he is contacting her sfter five years dreamguy if she has any brainsat all she will no exactly wathe wants, if he didntwant aything and was living his own life then he would not becontacting her would he. With the note you havewritten she should be able to see that you would like somethng from her because I believe saying thingslike if you dot wantto or so on , this is indicating wellyou ould likesomething but ifshe doesn't then that's that.

If you just wantedto be friends and catch up the ote would have read more like. Hi how have you been I hope yourve been well, was just wondering how your life has been going and what you were up too, Ive been welll and was hoping you have been too. Wouldntmind catchingup sometimes to have a chat as friends if your not busy.

NOW I think of it he wasn't interested he wouldn't be wrting any kind of note because if hewaswith agirl that he loved he would not even be thinking about this ex of 5 years ago. So pretty much anything or any note he writes to her will indicate that he is interested inher now I tink of it.

Why would he write a note if he wasn't, if he was content he would letthings be. Shewill knowwatyou want mate so if you really do wanther back your not going to be able to mention too much,causeshewill rememberyou broke it off with her. Keepus posted.

[Gem07]

Phil, with all due respect, I think your "call me if you want" note is weak. If I got that from an ex, I'd ignore it. That simply does not let her know how much you want her. Saying that maybe you should get some lunch is weak, too.

I really think if you want to get this woman back... I mean, build a solid relationship with her... you're going to have to swallow your pride and make it happen. Throwing out some crumbs won't do it.

She needs to know without a doubt that you're in it for her, and things will be different.

Just my two cents!

Thank you for the update, please post again!

[momincali]

Phil, sorry for raining on your parade... but...

5 years is a LONG time to be apart, especially with no contact and situations change as they obviously did in your case (you left the girl because you weren't "happy" but hopefully you didn't leave your child too!) and things may have changed for her as well. What if she's seriously involved with someone? What if she has a child as well? What if she's a completely different person than the person you were once with which will most likely be the case? When women go through something so traumatic, we find solace in change, yet oddly enough, the maturity that emerges from that is one of the things which helps get us moving and makes us let go of the past.

Just know that things can be very different and don't be surprised if she get's a little upset seeing you. It may stir things in her she doesn't want stirred all because YOU want to see if you can go back and get what YOU want.

[talaniman]

I agree mom, I think going back and thinking you can intrude on someone's life, after 5 years is not the best thing to do. If a note has been sent out, do nothing until you get a call from her, and if you don't, be ready to move on. What makes you think she is the same person you dumped? I think your trying to go back to a happier time, because of the rough times you've been through recently. Move forward and get your own life together and find your happiness within yourself. Forward not backward.

[momincali]

You're right Tal, that actually is a total intrusion. I know that it sounds sweet and romantic but once you cut down all the fluffy stuff and get to the meat and bones of the situation, it is intruding. She moved on and didn't look back for a reason.